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Wife's Letter to Aspergers Husband

My T.D.,

I love you. You are unlike anybody I’ve ever met. I want to continue to be a part of your life, and I want you to continue to be a part of mine. I do not want our marriage to end. I want us to raise our children together and be a family. Most of all, I want us to love each other.

Just like the song that played at our wedding, “When I said I do, I meant that I will, ‘til the end of all time…”. But then day to day life played out and we had one disconnect after another. And as more major life events happened, we experienced more and more frustration with each other. I became annoyed when you did not do things for me that I assumed all good husbands do for their wives, like give control of decorating the house over to me, offer me massages, give me gifts on special occasions, or do anything romantic. But, I figured you’re a guy and guys don’t always know to do those things. So instead of expecting things or even dropping hints, I told you the things I liked and what I wanted you to do. Then I became angry and resentful when you did not do them. It seemed the more I asked of you, the less I got. Many times I could not believe how you just didn’t get it – did not understand at all what I wanted and needed, and did not recognize the sacrifices I made for you. I did not think so then, but now, I believe it is very likely you felt the same way towards me.

Then there were your quirks – your insisting things be done a certain way or placed in a certain location, your aversion to any new or different smell, your avoidance of social situations and loud noises. I never saw anyone use earplugs in church or wear sunglasses inside. I know you did not mean for it to be, but a lot of what you did came off as rude, especially where it concerned my family. And then, it started to affect me directly. It annoyed me that you put off redoing the nursery for a whole year after Nina was born. You had a meltdown when I put together the entertainment system while you were away and it was not set up the way you liked it, and another fit when Mom and Gayle rearranged our bedroom furniture. Then you gave me the silent treatment, only talking to me to give me instruction and criticism. It put me under so much stress that I could not function on a daily basis to take care of our children. I began to lose control of my emotions and my temper. I had tolerated the control and abuse for as long as I could, and I felt myself beginning to snap. I felt stifled, suffocated. I had to get out, away from you, to be able to breathe again.

And I did. I left and spent some time in Brackett with friends and family. I have an entire support group here and they have helped me take care of the kids and have given me encouragement, and most importantly, time to do things for me. As a result, I can think much more clearly now. And though I hated the situation I was in, I still love you. I have done a lot of thinking, praying, and reflecting. As I muddled through memories, both good and bad, I just could not understand how you could be so awesome, such an amazing, loving, enthusiastic person in one moment – like when you bought Mom a car, when you patiently helped Kristi prepare for the baby shower when I was pregnant with Nina, how you worked so hard on Sam’s car and drove her north for a camp she had to go to, when you changed my brother’s oil for him, when you went with my family to Nacogdoches for Christmas and did so much for my mom and siblings – but then you can at the same time make comments about where they park their cars, move things around, or even how they help clean up around the house. Those actions seemed so contradictory; I couldn’t understand how one person could act in two totally different ways. And I couldn’t understand how you could love me so much and say I was the answer to your prayers and yet constantly critique everything I do and show no interest in my interests. None of it made any sense to me. So much more negative than positive was going on when I left that I thought you just didn’t love me anymore – you just were using me to get one your life goals, a bunch of kids. I felt I had no value to you as person. But I knew from earnest things you would say about our future plans together, like building our house, and things you wanted to do as a family, like travel the country, that you really did want to experience things with me and share a life together. So you couldn’t have meant to be callous and abusive – but then if you still really cared about me, why would you act that way? If you really still loved me, then what was the explanation for your behavior?

You don’t know why you behave the way you do. I realize that now. I know you are truly sorry for all the things you did to hurt me. And I know you honestly did not intend to. Usually you had no idea you were doing anything wrong, or that I had any other expectations for how you should act. At first I blamed you for not knowing what to do for me. I accused you on the phone of never paying attention, and of not caring. And I blamed your parents for not teaching you better social etiquette and how to treat women. But blaming people doesn’t solve anything, and it does not explain the contradictory behavior, nor the fact that so much of it was not intentional. I felt so confused trying to figure out what went wrong. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong – you told me so all the time. And I knew you didn’t mean to do anything wrong – and it wasn’t really true that you didn’t pay attention. You always paid attention to certain details, like making sure I was drinking enough water. So what in the world was going on?

I knew this was bigger than me. And how I proceeded from that point was too important to base it only on what I wanted. At that point I believed I could never have what I really wanted anyway – a thriving family of successful individuals who support each other, where the mother and father stay together and the children grow up happy - so whatever I chose, to leave you for good, or to come back, I would be unhappy. I didn’t want to raise our daughters without you. I didn’t want to be alone. But I couldn’t thrive and be happy the way we were going. I knew that unhappiness was not in your plans either; you had wanted us to work, too. I just couldn’t understand you. So I turned the whole thing over to God.

I didn’t ask why. I just prayed that God’s will be done. I sat in mass with the twins (your mom had Nina) one Sunday morning and prayed that God would make His will known to me. I told Him I would be completely obedient in whatever He wanted me to do. During the Eucharist, I felt Him very clearly ask me “Are you sure about that?” I thought for a moment about how happy I had been since I left – the help with the kids, the support and encouragement I received from my friends and family, the prospects and freedom I had to pursue my interests in Brackett, and never having to deal with these issues again. But then I decided God knows better than I do. He knows me – and you – better than we do. He knows what would truly make me happy. So I said, “Yes, whatever you want me to do. I don’t want to make this call myself. I can’t screw this up.” His response came “Even if that means staying with T.D.?”  “Yes, even if you want me to stay. I will do WHATEVER you want me to.” And that was all. He left me with that thought.

After last weekend, I received an explanation for our situation. It was simple, and it fit so well.

You are different. I have always said I never knew anyone else like you. You are in a category all your own, one in a million. Well, now, it seems that actual figure is more like one in three hundred.

I discovered that there are other people who have your same set of traits: an intense passion and focus for one special interest, paired with an odd list of idiosyncrasies and seemingly rude tendencies. Good news for you, since you always said you wished there were more people who thought like you. There are. And they are affectionately known as “Aspies”, because they have something called Asperger’s Syndrome.

Asperger’s Syndrome is a very mild form of autism. It has a spectrum with varying degrees of severity. Those who are less affected by it are often just seen as weird or rude. They often go undiagnosed or are not diagnosed until much later in life, after their marriages, careers, and other interpersonal relationships have been through many hard times. Aspies have average or above average intelligence. Many have PhD’s. They are brilliant, passionate people with clear focus and unique insight into the world around them. They don’t play mind games, don’t lie, and don’t hold back what they think or feel. But they have trouble expressing their emotions and picking up on others’ emotions. Also, they like to feel in control of their environment, and as a result they have an aversion to change. Things that others may not even notice drive them completely nuts. Most Aspies don’t have a clue and don’t care about what is popular or in style. So they often do not put much effort into their wardrobe, hair or makeup. Appearance is not as important to them, and while that can be a disadvantage in certain situations, the flip side is, they see past all that and do not judge people the way non-Aspies, or those who they call “neuro-typical”, do. Not all Aspies are autistic in the way most people think of autism. They do not all look and act like Rain Man. They just have trouble relating to other people. Sadly, for those Aspies who get married, 80% of them end up divorced.

T.D. I know you. I know a lot of things about you most people don’t. And as I have read and researched Asperger’s over the past week, it was as if everything I read about it was written about you. I believe you have Apserger’s.

From our very first interaction, I knew that you were different. You were in Brackett for the weekend and had come to the youth Bible study. I was a little surprised to see a college guy at a high school youth group, but then your brother was there, and I thought you were cute, even though you were a little overly competitive at bucket-ball. As luck would have it (or maybe you did it on purpose ), you were in my small group. I was a little annoyed that you were rustling through some papers and flipping through your bible while I was trying to facilitate group discussion. I thought you weren’t paying attention. But when I looked to see what you were doing, I was pleasantly surprised and greatly flattered to see that you were copying quotes and verses I had written in the back of my Bible. That got my attention. I thought “this guy is worth getting to know”.

We started dating, and I was attracted to your enthusiasm and your focus. You had a very clear idea of what you wanted in life – a good wife, a house full of kids, and the freedom to pursue your passion for renovating houses. You had this surety about you that was more than just confidence in yourself - it was this faith that things would work out in your favor, even if you didn’t know exactly how. You had this excitement about life that was just contagious, and I found that very attractive. It seemed to me that for you, success was inevitable, and that made me want to be a part of your life.

You never try to hide who you are, and over the last seven years, I have learned a lot about you and we have been through a lot together. I loved the anniversary card you sent me saying that you’d do it all again, the good times and the hard times. And I’m not mad you didn’t know to get a card or anything else until I said something. I’m not mad you didn’t get me presents on certain occasions, or didn’t go to Kristi’s wedding with me, or lots of other things I thought you should have known to do. I forgive you for those things and for all the things we have talked about and that you have written letters about. I know you are sorry for all the ways you hurt me, and I realize now, that you honestly did not know what you were supposed to do in many of those situations.

I understand now. You think differently. We are physically wired to view the world in different ways. And that will make our marriage a challenge. But with God all things are possible. And it will be hard, but with His help, I can do it. I am up for the challenge.

I like that you are different. You are so much more passionate and aware than the average person. You see things others don’t. More importantly, you see past things that aren’t as important to the bigger picture. I realize now that your idiosyncrasies are not something you can change, and that your needs are hard to express in language that a neuro-typical like me would understand. But now that we have this explanation of why we just keep missing each other on so many things, we can learn how to work through our differences.

Asperger’s is a lifelong condition. There are no drugs or any kind of treatment. There are only certain strategies we can use to cope with having been wired differently. These strategies are worth pursuing if we plan to be in the 20% of undivorced Aspie marriages. I have found a plethora of resources on Aspie relationships, especially marriages. I ordered one book on Amazon and downloaded and read another e-book that was very helpful. I used many of the recommendations for conversation found in the book when I spoke with you about taking Nina this past week. It was hard for me to do, because I had to try very hard to suppress my natural reactions to what you said. But I was able to do it with the understanding that you understand things differently. And though it was hard, the conversation was productive and in the end, positive. I hated that I had to spell out for you just how anxious I get about my babies and the terrible thoughts I struggle with concerning their safety. That is an issue I try hard to hide, and I do not like discussing it, because I can never do it without crying. I just see all the images I did not ask to pop into my head the first time come rushing back to me, so clearly and so horribly terrifying. But that conversation made think about it and consider that maybe that sort of anxiety is not normal, and I may need to get help dealing with it.

I knew our marriage, and this situation was bigger than I thought; I just didn’t realize how much bigger. When I first considered the possibility that you had Asperger’s, I was mad at God for the first time in my life. I had never been angry with Him before, but I just couldn’t understand why He would make some people in such a way that they had so much trouble understanding other people, especially since we were all created for relationship – to love and to be loved, by God and by each other. I had felt so enlightened, as though I had discovered some great truth, when I started reading about Theology of the Body and realized that the context of the Bible and of God’s plan for mankind was covenant, the highest form of relationship, and that our interpersonal relationships are designed to tie into his greater plan. That’s why there is so much history in the Bible. Who did what with whom matters. What we do in our life to affect the lives of others matters. How could God create people for relationship, and then give some of them an emotional disability that handicaps their relationships? But then I realized I was looking at this from my own limited perspective. And God is limitless. He is so great and His mystery encompasses depths we cannot fathom. He created both neuro-typicals and Aspies for the same reason he created both men and women. He wants us to be different. He is not one, easily defined being that our mind can put in a box. In His infinite wisdom, He makes plans outside of time and conducts our history to bring about his glory and our redemption. He wants us to understand things in different ways so that we can better understand Him. He wants us to learn to think outside ourselves. It was then I realized that you having Asperger’s is not what has made things harder for us, but both of us not being able to understand each other is what has made things harder for us. And though we have both tried to understand each other, we have failed. I found my own limitations, and beyond them, I found God.

So now, I have given my will completely over to God. You do the same. You told me you would do WHATEVER it takes to make our marriage work. I will, too. Now let’s find out what that is. The first thing we need to do is go see a specialist, someone who is more familiar with Asperger’s Syndrome, and get a diagnosis. I believe you have Asperger’s, and if you do, that will greatly change our approach to marriage counseling. I want us both to know for certain that is the case so that we can get recommendations on the best way to build OUR marriage (ours is not typical, and so that’s why typical counseling has fallen short) and do what we need to do to make it easier to love and understand each other.

I love you.

Your wife,


Adults with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism - Support Group


  1. Awesome letter. I hope Danielle and her husband have found the happiness they deserve. This is an example of what a difference it is for loving NT spouses to gain insight into Asperger's. It's like opening a window in a dim room. Suddenly everything makes sense, and the sunlight can get in.

  2. I've been with an "Aspie" for years, and have grown to utterly despise him, and then, of course, hate myself for despising him because he "can't help it".

    Congratulations to Danielle for having the patience and the will and the strength to continue pursuing her relationship. Personally, I have nothing left to give, as my Asperger's mate has eroded every last vestige of goodwill, power, and self-esteem I ever possessed. Good luck to you.

    1. Nonny, you are not alone. I have nothing left but sadness and anger and disdain... I would not wish this to my worst enemy.

    2. It is unfortunate that her husband will not even be able to understand this letter. Mine never tried to understand anything I ever wrote down. Anything longer than 1 sentence and forget it - he'd go back to his stupid gaming obsession and forget all about me or the problems. ('problems' being the 2 children we had that he didn't feel like taking care of or acknowledging)

    3. That is my husband to a T. I can't take it anymore we have 2 kids and I'm struggling I work with a man who I dated in middle school. He is my first love. And he wants me back in is life. I feel as if I want him back. With him around I'm feeling happy again.. I feel loved again I don't want to hurt my husband he has told me if we ever divorced he would walk the streets starving and if someone tried to stop him he would fight back and end up in jail and let himself die... that's the main reason I havnt divorced him yet... I'm struggling to do it all on my own

  3. Good luck Danielle. You are going to need lots of therapy and support, and lots of patience. And I hope you have at least good medical insurance, because being married to an asperger man can and will make you sick from being so mad all the time. I personally wish I would have ran like hell when I realized there was something "different" about this man, but I stayed , not because "god" told me, but because I was insecure and very co-dependent. I have lost 27 years of my life to a man that has sucked the very life out of me without as much as a thanks. So once again, good luck.

    1. You said it best. I share your assessment because I'm married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any better.

  4. Great letter. The comments made me howl with laughter. I had a 4 year relationship with an aspie which almost killed me. He abandoned me with breast cancer and now 3 years later refuses to speak to me on the street ???
    Best of luck to any woman who still has the guts to do this.

  5. I have a question here. Im currently going through the initial separation and ultimately divorce from my AS husband, couldn't take the rollercoaster ride due to lack of emotions, sympathy, empathy etc. I am trying to be as kind and decent as I can, have a lawyer and am working out a settlement amount. The weird thing, on my part, is I miss him a lot now Im out of the home environment with him. I don't miss the dysfunction at all. I still want to spend time with him now and then, but cant live with him. He is going through some crisis at the moment and will not communicate with me when I ask him if he is ok! So the question is, how many of you have managed to stay friends, or does the AS man cut you out of his life completely? Thanks.

    1. Hi there, just wondering if he did get in touch. I am going through the same right now. Miss him too, but need to look after my own mental well being instead of parenting his emotions and problems. These AS relationships are so draining , and I am not sure if it is worth trying to get back with my partner.

    2. Im seperated too from my aspie husband and miss him but his moronic self is telling me he is ok with looking for someone to create a family with. Meanwhile he tells me he loves me.

  6. Lovely letter, thank you for sharing. I could write similar letter to my boyfriend.We met last year and about 3 months later I figured it out he has AS. I'd like we move in together but it's big decision for him. He likes the security of his flat. I'm prepare to wait as long as it will take for him.

    1. Hi, I am dating a guy I really like and I suspect he has AS too. How did you manage to tell him? Thank you.

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  9. Danielle surely loves her husband. No doubt about it. She's a smart, loving woman. I am an atheist, but I say God bless her.

  10. Wow, this could of been written by my wife. I pray it's working for her her. It would give me hope. I disagree with previous commenter we can't understand. I want nothing more than to change and give my wife what she deserves.

  11. I have been married to a AS husband for 30 years always knew there was something but by being the flexible person I am kept covering , giving & sacrificing to the point it I was so isolated that I had no reason to be alive --one day I woke up began researching and when I realized all of the issues were because of undiagnosed AS it scared me more than If I never has found out ! This is the most confusing disorder would have rather it been cancer at least there would be more understanding --prayers to all coping especially the NS partner

  12. Just told my AS husband today I am leaving him. 13 years of marriage. I'm almost dead inside. I need a lot of therapy and can't even dream right now of being with someone who could make me feel special. I don't hate him though and never will. Good luck to all of you who try to keep on going. I tried and I lost myself.

    1. I left after 23 years of marriage and wish I'd done it way, way earlier but stayed for my daughter. Once you realize what it is, it's devastating. We've been divorced 2 years and I am struggling to "find myself" again. Strength to all of you no matter what your path with this situation.

    2. I’m too in a 5 years hell on earth marriage with my undiagnosed asperger husband and he also has one 20 years old step daughter that is also undiagnosed autism, a 18 years old son with severe handicapped and Degeorge syndrome and a youngest 14 years old daughter also waiting to be diagnosed with asperger. I’m going insane and considering move out before I’ll have a nervous breakdown. I was married to my previous ex husband who was a narcissistic and has a narcissistic mother. If I’m not a Christian, I would check myself in a spychgtric lock down unit by now. My husband met all the criteria of an Aspie and is often rude and verbally abused, especially after he drink. He was only sweet and gentle when there’s no conflict or communication. I felt for you. I have no ideas how other did it. I’m ready to run away.

  13. I personally feel that some of the commentators whom claim that an Aspie wouldn't understand, in fact probably don't really understand Aspies. Understanding is not an issue for most aspies - often understanding is extremely easy. Acting on the understanding is difficult however. For instance I understand the difficulties expressed by some commentators that have stated things like 'sucked the life out' etc, but may discover that he/she thinks exactly the same about you. I feel that about the world most of the time, yet to be honest most of the technologies etc that people now take for granted within their everyday lives were probably created by Aspies. Most of the great works of knowledge that we take for granted were created by Aspies. As an Aspie, I feel that the reason for this, is that we simply don't waste time going through all the processes that NT's egos seem to require to function as individuals.

    Regards the above letter though, I think it was extremely well put. I don't personally believe in God, but respect the author's right to do so. I do understand the experience...though maybe from the other side. I have almost stopped seeking relationships out now as I do not want to have a relationship where my partner feels so frustrated. Sadly, this means that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I guess this is why I have often thought about making it shorter.

    Sometimes, life feels so unneccesarily unfair to Aspies. After all, society is set up for (or inevitably ends up as being for) NTs. We often think that the reason for all the problems in the world, are due to the things that NTs commonly bring out as being issues with Aspies. People agree for governments to make laws for them, and then DON'T FOLLOW THEM!! This is an anathema to me. It's not that I don't understand why - market forces, greed, distribution methodolgies etc, it's that I don't understand why you wouldn't want to try to do it the most logical and fair way for all. I am often frustrated by humans (NT & Aspie) not living up to their potential because the system which we all agree to have guide us through our days, lives etc seems to actually snuff out the potential in those whom aren't able to be purposefully cruel.

    Oh dear, I am writing endlessly, but probably not saying anything. I'm not sure if I even had a point or merely a reaction.

    Don't feel like you have to allow this comment to show. Good luck with T.D.

    1. im glad you wrote, Aspie : ) it made me smile, my husband has aspergers and I actually love trying to understand him and appreciate his veiw on things.

    2. Some very good points aspie. Lots of scientists ect are aspies. My husband is one. We have been separated 2 years. I gave him divorce papers notification the other day gently telling him he would receive them in the mail and he floored me by saying oh ok and then commented on the weather. After 11 years together I would have thought an 'that's a shame or I wish we could work things out' but this was my ego talking. There's always a part that wants to be the optimist. That the other will want to work on the marriage. That you can compromise enough to get both parties to have at least some of their needs met aside from food water and shelter. I appreciated his honesty but when he developed a special relationship with a colleague leaving me at home with a baby most nights of the week and then said he doesn't want to be with me in counselling I left. He still can't give me the reason why he said that. At times he appears to still want to be with me. I think he still enjoys my company and doesn't get that I'm grieving the relationship and need time apart to do so. We keep trying to make access visits easy for the son so spend a fair bit of time together. Him on a remote island for work sucks because I don't have any help. I'm awaiting 4 surgeries. I'm tired, I'm angry he won't try, he also doesn't seem to want me to leave the marriage entirely but he says it's because he doesn't want to FAIL. A lot of his reactions are ego based. Not feeling based but more. How it makes him look in the eyes of others. He doesn't like being wrong. So by extension I did him wrong. He also cannot apologise. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong. He cannot admit it. I am left with no options. He didn't do intimacy, didn't want an emotional and intellectual relationship with me (seeking it from his colleague instead). There was nothing left. Yet he was outraged that I wanted to leave and took him to counselling to discuss it. I have to say goodbye to the house we built, financial security, companionship of some description and further offspring and holidays we planned but he just gets to keep his part time wife and part time son. It's not equal right now but he doesn't want to make a decision. I say how to you feel about this. He just keeps saying how he wants the best for our son. I ought not stay simply for the child. However. He won't take care of our sons emotional development if he has access on his own. (I've seen countless examples where he fails at the most basic of all empathy for example when child hurts himself). So if I stay I can at least help my son manage it. Is that all I can do now. It's not just Aspergers men I've had problems with. I've certainly lost faith in the ability of men to see wonelan as anything other than property or an extension of their egos. Paternalistic society demands this of us. It does nothing for relationships and I was hoping for so much more. Intimacy, passion and commitment are required for a successful marriage or union. We don't have any of that outside of our son. So sad. I've been in tears most of the last month having him stay over Christmas New Years and our sons birthday. So sad. I just keep retreating to my room to cry.

    3. Wow, I feel like that's exactly what my husband would do if I gave him divorce papers...Or perhaps just stare blankly and be silent. He is the only person that I've ever known who can remain completely silent after I pour my heart out. It's like draining a my self worth or dying slowly one day at a time, just his the lack of empathy and complete disregard. I'm a Christian and sometimes that's the only thing I have to count on. Not sure how much more I can take.

    4. Lonewolf101, I do the same things to my wife but I can tell you it's because I don't know what to say. The fear of saying the wrong thing to the love of my life prevents me from saying anything at all. Perhaps your husband feels similarly.

    5. The Unknown, I think your husband was just really mean, it sounds like he doesn't really care much for the relationship. I don't think the things he did are because of his AS. Take care of your kids, make sure they're okay, since they'll probably feel really bad, and remember to take care of yourself too.

  14. Danielle-

    WOW. I could have written nearly all of this myself! It resonates with me on every level. The paragraph where you talk about not wanting divorce, but not being happy while married and raise children together almost exactly mirrors a conversation I had days ago with my husband.
    I would be so grateful if you would be willing to share the books and resources that you found helpful. My husband is willing to do whatever it takes as well and even asked our priest about marriage counseling which is a huge step. I suspected Asperger's and began reading about it and then told him about a book I was reading (Journal of Best Practices) that I thought he'd find interesting. About 15 minutes into the book he called and said, "I think I have aspergers!". So we are only a couple days into this revelation, but already it has helped my resentfulness and helped him to realized the root of some of his frustrations.
    Thank you for publishing such a vulnerable and well said letter. You said it well and it helped to clarify my thoughts and feelings and hopefully be able to present them better.
    p.s. My husband is also really good about helping me drink enough water... random funny coincidence!

  15. I am married to a man who is an =. And if I had known then what it was I would have run and would be still running. aspy

  16. That was a classic Aspie response to such an emotional letter. It's like God created all this intellect and logic in Aspies but left out the heart. That's how it feels being married to such an amazing man and when I tell him how amazing he is he lashed out at me and says how can I say that if he fails at so many things! I'm a person who is lead by the heart and when I share my feelings it's like it's mutilated by a ravenous wild animal starved for months on end. Thank you Lord God for all your creations I appreciate and love an Aspie very much but he consumes my soul and spits it out. God love this woman that wrote that letter..she will suffer needlessly, Christ suffered so we don't have to. Peace to you all

    1. I don't think he's like that because of his AS. Don't blame his behaviour on AS, it gives him an excuse and prevents him from taking responsibility for her actions. A lot of the problems NT's say they have in aspie relationships sound exactly like the problems we have in NT relationships! In fact, all the relationship problems people in the comments have written they have with aspies sound like the problems people have in all bad relationships. Your relationship problems are just like the problems neurotypicals can have together. I think you should see a marriage counsellor. Remember, Asperger's does not make people heartless, heartlessness in aspies is caused by the same things as in NT's. I hope your relationship gets better. Stay strong, look after your family, look after yourself and God bless!

  17. I am an Asperger husband myself. Probably, I should say, 90% certain they say so far. I have been married for more than 30 years. As you can figure out, without neither me nor my dear wife knowing it. But experiencing the consequences. As in most cases, my wife has been the one crying STOP! After all these years. Three grown up children, one of them married. I am so grateful for your letter, for your testimony. It helps me so much clearing my thoughts. I have copied it to a Word document and made footnotes reflecting on our own situation. It is important to keep in mind that we are all distinct personalities, we Aspies too. Though we have much in common, there are many things we do not have in common. But the way of communicating, relating to other people certainly is one common thing. But even there you have important things that are different. So every A-nt couple need their own counselling. Each couple need to find their own way. And both need to be willing to go that way. Thank you ever so much for publishing your letter!

  18. This letter resinates with me so much. I've been married to an Aspie for almost 28 years. He was diagnosed only four years ago. I almost left multiple times, but I love him and want to be with him. We have gone through months of therapy. He is an amazing man. I have come to realize that he may be able to change some of his behaviors, my emotional needs will not be met. My expectations must change and adjust by accepting his quirks and his way of showing me love.

  19. Thank you, whoever wrote this letter. Thank you for being loving and understanding, instead of being bitter and saying that all aspergians are emotionless, unempathetic robots. Also, if an aspergian is really, genuinely mean and abusive, it's because they're a jerk, not because of their AS, and blaming it on their AS just gives them an excuse instead of making them take responsibility for their actions.

  20. I am relieved to find this site as I feel so isolated and alone. I've been married for nearly 14 years. We have six wonderful boys and to the outside loom like we're living the dream.... However every day of myarruage I have felt like a little but of my spirit dies. I believe now that when our children grow up and don't need me anymore I will leave my marriage as I feel if I don't I will die young. I hate the person I have become. I resent my husband. I am hurting so deeply everyday and I'm tired of pretending I'm happy. I've never been happy all the time we've been together.

  21. Perhaps some dialogue would be helpful? I'm 47 and recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I decided to get tested as my son is Autistic and the similarities in our behaviors is undeniable. I'm from a failed marriage and exhibit/exhibited many of the same behaviors as T.D. In this post. If anyone has questions that will help them better understand what's going on with their AS spouse, I'd be happy to give insight on what it's like from our vantage point.
    Good luck to everyone, I know we are not easy people to live with and understand.

  22. My question is this----mostly to those with Diagnosed Aspergers---Does it help to have the diagnosis or discussion, or to know you have Aspergers? We are older (60s) and both on our third marriage. Discovering there was "something" different about my husband, Researching Aspergers has lead me to understand how to relate to him instead of taking his actions or non action so personal. How did knowing about the condition help?

    1. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and at first I only tecognized that he had sensory issues but I did not know why he was so short tempered and downright rude at times...still I stayed with him hoping my kinder softer nature would rub off on him.
      It was about a year and half later that he was rude to me (once again) and basically told me that the story I hadvstarted to tell him was "boring" and to basically stop talking.
      I got very upset (it was my birthday and we were at a concert) and I pointed out he'd talked to several people there at length about the band so what was it about my story that was so boring?
      He told me he was going to tell me something he'd never shared with anyone...that he did NOT know how to make small talk.
      Music is his wheelhouse so that wasn't "small talk" to was something he could talk for HOURS about.
      That exchange made all the bells and whistle go off for me.
      I didn't know what Apergers was but as soon as I googled "sensory issues and inability to make small talk" BAM! Every single thing pointed to aspergers.
      I was afraid to tell him and it took me several months. I read about 10 books on thecsubject and poured over info on the internet.
      It was only when he had a meltdown and asked aloud "Wtf is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal?" That I told him. He was 45 then.
      He wasn't mad. But he didn't really want to talk about it either.
      I told him to go to his doctor.
      He'd assumed he had ADHD or OCD and had been put on meds for those things but I told him at home he didn't exhibit any of the classic signs of that.
      He was just adjusting the lights, temperature, what he ate...basically his environment etc to suit his all started making sense to him and he DID go get formally diagnosed shortly after.
      I'm not saying it has been an easy 4 years and yes I've thought of leaving but I love him.
      I want to be one of the 20% that stays and works it out.
      I've found letting him do his own thing and me doing the same helps.
      I DO miss the romantic gestures...the's VERY different with him.
      But he's not a liar, a cheat or someone who is after my income.
      Those are things my ex of 20 years was and he was an NT like me.
      I'd rather be with someone I can trust who just is "wired" differently.
      When he says he's not "normal" I say yes you are normal for a person with aspergers just as I am for a person who doesn't have aspergers.

  23. Hi there,

    Wonderful letter Danielle but I think you misunderstood the Lord. We are all His children and no parent would like his children to suffer.
    Living with an AS ends up, sooner or later, ALWAYS with pain and suffer.
    I can only hope you are one of the few NT who makes it and that at 10-15 years from now you will not regret it, as I do.

    I have been together with my AS husband for over 20 years and we have two children, daughter and son.

    I am happy to have found this website. I read a lot over the years about AS and the more I read, the more I realize I have wasted my life.
    I learned about AS 10 years ago when our marriage counselor suggested my husband will get tested.
    He got angry and denied. After this I refused to go to counseling any longer as it felt useless.
    I am a single child and my both parents passed away quite recently. Our daughter took her MD last year and moved to Stockholm and our son just started his first year at med school. But I cannot take it any longer. I just can´t.

    I am alone and isolated with no friends or relatives and feeling worthless. I have been talking about divorce for years and all the time he just talked me out of it but few months ago, after mother passed away, I gave him the papers.
    At first he was surprised. Than he got very angry, we had a long 3 hours discussion and it ended up with him collapsing on the floor crying and shaking. Man, what this gave me bad conscience!!!!

    I am finished and I want nothing else but end this painful and worthless life.
    I gave up my career and dedicated my life to the family.
    In the beginning I was his passion and we were happy or at least I thought we were, because I was. Later on he claimed he was not at all happy with me, not even than.
    (Why did we marry than, why did we have two kids, if he was not happy??? We lived together for 3 years before we married, so he had all time in the world to end the relation if he was unhappy. Our last time we visited our counselor he claimed I was ruling his life than but afterwords he took over his own life.)
    Last two years I have been away in periods to care for my cancer sick mother and during this time the children changed and come to be more and more like him. Slobby, insensitive, rude, impolite, media fixated. There is nothing left for me today.

    I do not know what to do or where to turn. If someone reads this, and wants to contact me you are welcome to do it at ValentineVonNastase on yahoo dot com account.
    I wish I was stronger and left him before. There would still have been a life for me out there. Now it is too late.
    I wish good luck to everyone but above all to those who choose to stay. You will regret it, read my lines. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day.

    And I am proud of all you who have the strength to go away and rebuild your life.

    Best regards to everyone.

  24. i came across your letter while searching online for a support group for AS spouses. I feel myself sinking. Are there any online support groups for NT spouses? I just need to connect with people who understand the stifling isolation. I can't financially afford counselling right now. I'm dying for someone to talk to who can relate and validate.

  25. Are there any online support groups for AS spouses? I feel like I'm losing my sanity. Im dying to connect with people who understand, have empathy in particular to being with an AS spouse

  26. I’ve pretty sure that I have affection deprivation disorder. I have anger and poor self- esteem.
    My husband of 4 years sees this and just wants to get away from me.
    I’ve tried explaining that he can calm me down with a gentle touch, or a hug, or a few words of encouragement... but he can’t.

    He has inched his way away from me in the bed, then we have been having troubles sleeping in the same room, now he has actually left the house.

    He didn’t bother to tell me he was doing this. I had to call him and ask him where he was.
    I’ve told him that he cannot just leave me on a wire like this. He needs to come home and figure out an apartment or something... but it’s the silence that is so hurtful.

    I’m suffering from being unloved, and he see it as a disruption to his life, rather than “heaven forbid” he do something slightly uncomfortable for him, like show some care or give me a hug.

    This is not the same as what neurotypical-typical go through. It’s a nightmare because all I ever wanted was to be loved.

    How can it be my luck that I married a guy who is unwilling to even learn how to do some of these behaviors?

    It’s super sad. My siblings are male, and they think I am just acting crazy. Cassandra Syndrome is real!

    Anyways. I am using some of the advice of women who stayed married for all those years and have posted that they felt their lives were wasted. I am using the advice to remind myself that this and how I feel right now is very serious.

    We only get one life. -age 36 now. Married 4 sexless years. Literally sex one time in the last 16 months.

    Only been told that I looked pretty by him once, maybe twice.

    He does not ever touch my breast or anything. He A-romantic.

    He does not think he has Aspergers because his parents said that they didn’t think so! He is not worried about it.

    He knows deep down that he does have something different about him, but chooses to see that he is not responsible for my sadness.

  27. These are all so sad for me to read, but I GET most of them! Im like "Yes! This is how I feel!!!" I am married for 11 months to a 54 yr old man, who I absolutely believe has Aspergers. I'm embarrassed to say, we dated for 6 years, I broke up with him 7 times, and finally married him. I do feel much guilt and sadness .. loneliness, etc. as all the above have said. He IS a good and hardworking man, is good to my aging parents, my kids and grandkids, etc. He is even good to me, as far as doing what I need or ask, helping out, cleaning, etc. So I feel so guilty even mentioning it. He just is very disconnected with me. Most of life, I get a blank stare. Very rarely if at all will I ever get a kind word,a loving touch, a hug, a kiss, etc. I believe he shows his love by doing. He is gifted as a builder, a remodeler, etc. But truly, he loves his dog and cars. He will pet and caress and touch his dog ... Will show her gobs of attention daily, but when sitting on the same couch as I am once in awhile, his arm will go around the dog ... nothing even remotely comes close to me. I am so confused and sad most of the time. I insisted we see a counselor. He finally went, and after $700, he never did one assignment and the counselor did not agree that He had autism. I told him "I live it every day!" I have read and read about it after we were married and he exhibits most qualities on a daily basis. I cancelled the meetings after so many visits because it was absolutely fruitless, which online material said it would be.

    I also am a Christian, am on my 2nd marriage, and am deeply ashamed for having done this. In the last 3 weeks before we got married, I truly believed God had loosened his tongue! He acted normal, we held hands, went out quite a bit and talked... it was a bit of a dream... so I believed God healed him. Not that God cannot and doesn't perform miracles because He can and does ... but this was not one of them. What a fool I have been. And I don't know how long I can endure this. But I try to be thankful for all that he is. A hard worker and a good man...but truly he should not be married. I am thankful for a dual income because single life, tho I loved being single, financially is very hard. I am thankful he is good to all my family.

    This kind of relationship is so hard and so confusing .. because most people don't see or understand your struggle .. at All! I have given up telling friends about it ... because it's my own fault and I did it to myself.. and .. I am so exhausted talking about it.

    Jesus and I alone were great. Not sure why I screwed this one up.

    Anyway, it feels so good to get this out. I know people will respond many ways, and that's ok. Some will judge, some will hate, some will be compassionate, some will try to understand, and some will totally get me.

    I GUESS I should try to sleep ... by a man who only cuddles his dog. ;)

    Good night all!

  28. You wrote: "A hard worker and a good man...but truly he should not be married."

    I have said the very same thing many a time. 'I married a bachelor" is my ultimate understanding, and this after 40 years! It's really *almost* too late for me, but "I made my bed and now I have to lay in it." I just didn't know the mattress was going to be so lumpy!

    No one believes me even when I tell them, and not even the counselors (who also did not good). Good luck and leave while you are still able; you can maintain a friendship, but not a marriage. That has proven impossible for me.

    And now that I'm sick with chronic fatigue / lyme / fibromyalgia, in good part due to the misery and stress of this long-term relationship with no change in sight, I'm pretty well stuck with my decisions over the years.

    SAVE YOURSELVES! Things will never change; they only get worse, until it's too late to do anything about it. I spent most of my entire adult life "wishing on a star" and tying myself up in knots until I was a pretzel, and jumping through all his hoops just to have him lie and disappoint me all the years... no more.

    I ask God to save me in the twilight of my years. And please, everyone reading this, SAVE YOURSELVES.

  29. Kim, I dealt with my husband and his mother (both exactly the same) for 40 years, and I was ready to kill myself & run away! And I finally did, but I waited to long. I am so sick now from stress that I had to come back and I have paid the price ever since. There's only one way I know to find a solution: LEAVE AND SAVE YOURSELF. It's too late for me, and if I had only known better before maybe, just maybe, I would have had a chance at happiness. Don't make the same mistake I did.

  30. I am a 45 year old man. With four beautiful children and a lovely wife,I am sure I have Aspergers due to the traits I possess,I have only recently discovered this but not been diagnosed properly. I know and now recognise that I do and say or not do and say things to my wife but am a loving father to four children that I adore and who adore me,I have just booked and appointment with a phycologists to get to the bottom of why and I am praying that I am able to work at my marriage and treat my wife with the respect and love she deserves, I would be devistated if I split our family up by purely not doing what comes naturally to other guys,I truly would do anything for my family.
    Thank you to all the ladies who have written on this,it has given me such hope that with the right help we could pull through and flourish as we should

  31. Wow! David, I wish my aspie husband could write something like this. You get the cake! (meaning "the prize!") Good luck in your endeavor and I'm sure, with such a wonderful attitude, you both will succeed. God bless!

  32. Hi, im
    Seperated too. Miss him but living with him made me go batshit crazy. Too much to type here but it was 6.5 yrs married to hkm and i justs discovered this after we seperated. Heartbroken and now it all makes sense

  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

  34. Hi,
    The whole blog seems to be about male with aspergers. I had a girlfriend with aspergers and we were together for 2 years.She had very fluidic emotions but I tolerated it because I loved her and even taught her how to control her emotions. We were supposed to get married till the time she left for her new job in a new place. She completely changed overnight. She said that she feels she is asexual now,she is no more a phone person,she not a ling distance person etc. I understand that her schedule is very hectic and she must be facing difficulty in the new setting. I gave her all the space and stopped even calling her(she was irritated and exhausted all the time). .All along I was begging her to find 5 min in a day for me, I cried, I pleaded, I threatened to even leave her but to no avail.Last week she wrote that she does not have the same feelings for me anymore. It was the last nail on the coffin. She destroyed everything that I had built. I feel used. How can one suddenly change? How can one be so heartless? I have blocked her number from everywhere... Its really painful and sad ...

  35. How about aspies date aspies and NTs stick with NTs? Aspies do NOT understand the emotional needs or pain when unmet for an NT. They *think* they do. They think they know and understand everything. It is part of mindblindness.

    I do like him as a person but we should have kept it at friendship. Aspies are not capable of an emotional interplay called intimate relationship. Stick to business relationships.

    -getting divorced


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