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Meltdowns in Adults with Aspergers & High-Functioning Autism

"Can an adult with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism have a meltdown just like a child with the same disorder?"

Click here for the answer...


==> Living with an Aspergers Partner: Help for Struggling Couples

==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA

148 comments:

  1. Yup! It may look different to the observer, but a meltdown is a meltdown.

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  2. I really appreciate this post. Many of us adult aspies as children were not understood and became survivors, figuring out how we personally tick hiding from a system we don't quite fit. It's nice there is a lot more understanding and help.

    When I was a child I had intense firery tantrums. As an adult I'm defiantly more composed and am discovering healthier coping outlets to place my frustrations and recognizing when it's building up.

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  3. totally...and often without warning, in my case

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  4. I had a few meltdowns, and my last one led to my walking out on my job and apartment, and never returned, since then I had myself assessed and am now offcially an Aspie.

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  5. What if you're pushed to the breaking point over and over, and it makes no difference to anyone that you're breaking inside? I tell people to leave me alone when I am getting stressed, and they all of the sudden follow me around and ask questions, bother me, and harrass me. I say two more times to please leave me alone, I need a break. I make it to my quiet place, but they follow me there.

    And it's somehow MY fault if I cannot control any possible violence to myself, someone else, or property? When all they have todo is respect me? Bullshit. I am the one being abused, and I have nowhere to go. I have been suicidal for YEARS, but I live with it, containing it always.

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    1. I used to feel that way but now I am 35 years old with a wife and 2 kids and i can not blame any one else for my meltdowns but my self im trying out meds i don't want to hurt my kids and my wife i love them

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    2. I'm 47. What if meds and everything you ever tried doesn't work? What's next? Suicide. I just don't know.

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    3. "heal your own pain" website might work

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    4. I feel the same way as Andrew and I was also bullied severely as a kid. I'm permanently and constantly pissed off at the world. Seems to me that everyone around me is a dumbass yet I'm supposed to be happy about the miserable state of the world. Perhaps ignorance is truly bliss...

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    5. I am constantly pissed off at the world and everyone in it. I was also severely bullied as a child. HATE would be a good word to describe how I feel. And I agree with Andrew - nothing works. How does one "fix" their personality? Die, I guess.

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    6. My experience with an Asperger family members and colleagues is that their meltdowns are always somehow justified. They're always the victim. Enough.

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    7. I feel the very same way as Andrew. It appears all help goes to children who are aspies/autistic. Those who came through life and receive a late diagnosis seem to be invisible. In my case, after waiting many years for help, I now believe there is no help. Im at a loss

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    8. @Tarvok. You are right. At least what you are saying was told to me by my counsellor. The people that love you, and even your team at work, might need to learn ways of helping you and respect your boundaries. My wife (now ex) was told that if she cornered me, and kept coming at me, then she was responsible as I am for the outcome. We learned to use a safe-word for melt-down prevention. Unfortunately my current GF thinks that is stupid, and we are having the same problems. I guess we're in it together.

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    9. Me too.
      I feel harassed by people.

      Especially in a relationship.

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  6. I had one Saturday.. :-( and after reading this I think what happened Tuesday was one as well.

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  7. I recall a particular meltdown after reading the article , which was distressing for my then partner and emotionally distressing and physically exhausting for me . It also sadly played a part in ringing the death knell for that relationship .
    It is a painful memory I also thought of them as somewhat like a non physical tornado from out of nowhere and chaos inducing .

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    1. Thanks for sharing. It has been the same for me and all my relationships so far as well. I try to accept responsibility and prevent it from from happening, but how do you prevent tornadoes from happening?

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  8. I am dating an aspie, and his melt downs are not usually violent, just frustrating because I can never figure out how to handle his meltdowns. I have difficulty reading him, and the last melt down he had i broke down and started crying myself. I eventually realized what was happening and regained control of myself so I could calm him down, but this is the person I am hoping to spend the rest of my life with. I love him and want us to work, but if that's going to happen I need to learn how to handle the meltdowns better. Any suggestions?

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    1. Just give him space don't nag him or keep asking questions just give him space and time to process his thoughts.

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    2. RUN!!!!! IT WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! RUN!!!

      This is from a 47 year old man who hurts his family constantly.

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    3. I know answer a 2 years old question is a bit too late, but if anyone is having the same problem, you should have a "red code". Idk if other Aspies are the same but I usually know when I'm about to meltdown. Like the article said: irritability and tight chest, hard to breath... I know it's building up but still have enough will power to control myself. At that time I only want to be left alone. If your partner can feel it too, then you should have a code for "I want to be alone for a while. It's not because of you. I just feel under pressure and I need a break." Texting or any kind of writing communicate is much more welcome than any kind of verbal communication at that time. Let him know that you understand what's happening to him and will wait untill he's ready to talk again, and then leave him alone.

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    4. Thanks for the two years later reply, it really helps me. I am in the friend's situation and am trying to work out a strategy for dealing with meltdowns. Right now I am researching if there is anything we can do to help, besides the already figured out "giving space" strategy. For instance, before a meltdown or when I sense a crisis or difficult situation I try to offer practical or logical solutions. Is that helpful or could it be annoying? When I sense there is nothing I can do to help I say "I am sorry, text me when you can or want, and if there is something I can do let me know" and back out and wait. Is it ok?

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    5. Writing from my partner's account. He is 31 and an Aspie. I am 23 and I have severe anxiety but have been able to cope very well now. I will admit the hardest thing for me is to let him run off. This has lead to physical altercations that could have been avoided but wasn't because I wanted to be "in control". Yes, sometimes the ONLY thing to do is let them walk off. If they want to talk, then talk to them. If you need to walk away then exercise that right.

      Texting helps in small doses. Do not over text and blow up their phone though. My partner can be suicidal at times because of depression so i do have a really hard time leaving him alone. I do it in hopes he doesn't selfharm but there was a relapse...he cuts. All I can say is if you can do your best to avoid a meltdown then do it...Once they start sometimes it feels impossible to stop that moment. Breathe. Let them know you are there for them. Everyone is different but this is how I handle them. He also smokes cannabis and is not on any meds. Former alcoholic, we do not drink except for a couple of ciders here and there. And even then that is rare. We have come along way...I hope you people out there do not give up!! He is an amazing and highly intelligent man. He provides me the best of company and I hope to be with him until we leave this world. 3 years and counting. Ask me any questions you may have and I will speak of my experiences. I am no expert. Just a woman in love with a man who happens to be autistic. :) -Sapphire


      You are doing well. I hope this answer was not too late and that it helps someone.

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    6. indead... texting in small doses! My verbal explosion doesn't stop with texting... and if I receive to much text during a meltdown, I want to throw away the phone or laptop. So... texting is not always an good option.

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    8. I assume it's too late but hear me on this if it isn't. ANY behaviour you see in any person before you marry them - and this includes disability related behaviour as well - will intensify once you are married because the person feels safe with you at at point and can let it all hang out, so to speak. If an escalated version of his behaviour is OK with you, then go ahead and marry the man, with no entertainment of delusions of changing him...best of luck!

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    9. Yes, Ellen, your advice is spot on. I ignored the screaming/ fleeing episodes as there was always a "reason" for it, not realising my husband-to-be is an undiagnosed aspie-ish person. He now directs his rages towards me, and I simply cannot figure out how to respond to it. We have no resolution available, and I am going to using a mediation specialist to try to handle difficult issues where the screaming will be socially inappropriate - though he may well do it anyway. This marriage is SO HARD.

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    10. So glad I as an Aspie have a loving compassionate empathetic husband. I have meltdowns monthly and he is extremely supportive he holds me when I need and gives me space when I need. We, together learn how to deal with it and we’ve done very well yes it’s hard for BOTH of us and yes I still have meltdowns. To Ellen and Chapped Hands, I’m so thankful my husband would never use this type of hurtful language about me. Calling a meltdown “his rages” is very offensive and I think both of you should find a neurotypical to be with as meltdowns are not something Aspies want or ask for nor is it something done on purpose. Meltdowns don’t get worse after marriage a meltdown is a meltdown before or after marriage. The way the people behave towards us during a meltdown can make a huge impact on making it neutral, better, or worse. So, if you agree to commit to someone with autism meltdowns don’t judge them or shame them and here’s an idea…learn about autism instead of blaming the person who is already living a nightmare they can’t escape from! You can leave instead of being an a**hole.

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  9. pure embarrassment and shame. I ruined almost every relationship I had with these very rare but very remembered and forever used against me meltdowns. can't say I really blame them just wish I remembered what I said. iq's are over-rated when it comes to this- mine and especially theirs- the professionals.

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    1. J, please do not be embarrassed. You have a condition that means , at times, you cannot control your anxieties/stresses. Of course you might be behave inappropriately- ANYONE who is stressed is inclined to do so. When I watch my son go though the same it breaks my heart and I wish could help. You must accept that meltdowns are going to be something you have to live with, but you will get through each one. Do try to find strategies to help you, sometimes a slow breathe with my son, it helps. Othertimes I get well away because he needs space. Good luck & best wishes

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    2. The problem I face is she does not know she is. Every thing is black and white. It is not black or white or right and wrong. It JUST IS clearly black and white. It is see something and SAY IT no idea of being polite or sensitive or letting something go just criticism criticism Can not be persuaded it is criticism it is if she thinks something of course just say it. It's dishonest to hold it back. Can't be persuaded there is such a thing as Opinion Opinion would mean that there was more than one view ie black or white. When of course there is only black and white
      No answer to this. But leave

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    3. I am an Aspie too and while medication helps your going to have the occasional melt down you just have to try to have them when your in a safe space. Its not always easy and its not always possible but we do the best we can

      Toni

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    4. Hi. I'm a 58 year old male Aspie. I didn't know I was until around 6 years ago. When I quit smoking and drinking, my mind cleared up and I asked questions about myself and figured out, based on similarity to other peoples symptoms, that I have Aspergers (I have taken every test available, I score high on all of them for Aspergers). Some people might take such news as bad. I now know why I have had such a hard time in life, and this is good, because I can now address the challenge of trying to work around the part of my brain that's abnormal, and stop hurting the ones I love. I was on numerous anti-depressants, so much that I was developing pseudo-Parkinsons in my left hand (I quit those too), suicidal, angry, sick, exhausted from lack of sleep, PTSD and chronic depression, overweight. Now, 6 years later, though far from the finish line, at least I'm in the race. I have a good therapist and a great wife and I'm working all the time to redirect traffic in my brain to "get it right". I may never get to that finish line, but neither does any human, not for long anyway, before death claims us. Oh, and Aspies, get a sense of humor, and avoid NT's who refuse to recognize let alone empathize (ironic) with the way we are. They are some mean, vindictive people.

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  10. I learned later in life (like three years ago) I was diagnosed with autism and I just blew up at my roommate. My caregiver tried to contain me but the roommate insisted that I wasn't the person to talk to concerning Photoshop, Illustrator, Indesign, and such. When he works on audio stuff he goes all like "I went to school for this." When in fact I went to school for art... He openingly devalued my opinion (after many little scuffs before hand) and I just blew it. Normally I'm really quiet and skiddish (I'm five seven in a world of six footers) and I speak slowly and at reasonable volume. I may be seen as a tool but I just like being nice.
    Anyways... I blew up and shouted (I never shout) the word "F*** YOU!" to my roommate for like a minute straight and then took 20 Ativan and two trazadone. My boyfriend stopped me. I feel like the most horrible thing to ever live, and I'm including viruses in this, I just so awful and I'm still recovering. I'm still shaking. :-(

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    1. I lose it in much the same way. I have a bottle of trazadone and often have wondered if it would be enough. Now I'm on a mood stabilizer and getting through it ok. Still depressed some times. Staying home almost constantly helps.

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    2. I can empathize with you regarding your feeling 'undercut' by your partner/ roommate & thinking that might be the cause of a Meltdown. I have a similar problem with my husband, who seems to need to ALWAYS be Right more & more as we get older! He is so impatient & overpowering & sounds so angry that it is hard for Aspie Me to realize that Maybe he is wrong- even when later on I realize that I WAS right! I think this is what caused at least this most recent Meltdown & it was a bad one! Seems to me having these has something to do with insecurity on my part to the point that I don't know how to defend myself. All I feel is confused & VERY ANGRY & then the Lid Blows off! This happened 2 days ago & I am still feeling very shaken by it.....

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  11. Hi, I live with my (maybe ex) partner who is an aspie. We are currently having serious difficulties in our relationship in regards to them have meltdowns and their aggressiveness towards me as a result (they will not accept that it feels like this is aimed towards me even if it isn't- even though they get upset/angry if I shout around them). I seriously need some help/guidance in regards to this as I seriously think this could be the end of our relationship if we cannot find a (permanent) solution. I love them more than anything in the world but sometimes I cannot cope with these issues due to personal difficulties with other people being aggressive/hurtful towards me.

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    1. I feel you'll need to have support from others in relationships with aspies. I feel for you as it can feel very lonely without enough hugs coming your way.

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    2. I wish i had an answer or even a suggestion. I can only say you are not alone. My son is 34 and although he only once hit me when he was 20, I’m really anxious about it happening again. One because i now have a very painful medical condition that could be exacerbated very easily. But mainly because i was abused by my older teenage brothers. So i know what it is like to live in fear of being hit or forced into very painful positions, for no reason except that i live and I’m female. No one except a therapist can seep to understand that totally unrelated experiences become linked together by the brain. It has cost me a lot of money but five years of therapy has helped with this and dozens of other factors. Im not better but i can understand why i had a bad reaction or why i had a specific response. Unfortunately this is only after the event, when things are calmer. In the uk there is an emergency line for people who are frightened because of the behaviour of a mentally ill person. Although Aspies aren’t mentally ill. If they are exhibiting threats of violence they are accepted as a threat and the line can be called. I only used it that one time and the initial response was brilliant. He had several months of seeing a mental health nurse, it was actually how he got his Autistic Diagnosis. But no long term care was available due to budgeting constrictions. He is so high functioning that he cant get help. I wish we had a magic wand and someone could come along and help all parents and relatives of Autistic people at all levels and ages. Living in fear is never conducive to a god mental state. People not understanding why you feel like this is understandable but not helpful. Im sorry I don’t have that wand,

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  12. My Daughter is the one with the meltdowns, although some are just angry outbursts. She is 21 and has had these outbursts/meltdowns her whole life. Now that she is an adult, it is more difficult for me to "take" these attacks, and keep my own self respect. I actually called a suicide hotline myself yesterday and am desperately working to understand her better so I don't push her buttons. She lashes out when she feels I am not respecting her. She has good friends and can hold a job, just can't drive yet. The bad days are really bad and it is amazing I live through the tough moments, especially the ones in public like the two in stores today. Trying to get her to see a Psychiatric place that specializes in Autism...waiting for them to approve her. I feel like she hates me much of the time, and I feel like a prisoner in my own house. She doesn't like me to be away because she gets lonely. I need to reach out to others who either understand her or me.

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    1. Hi there H MB, I feel like your post here just read my mind. My daughter is twenty next week. Her meltdowns that she's had all her life are fewer and far between and way more intense. She holds down a job but does not drive. She is very reliant on me in spite of my efforts to build her self-sufficiency. When I travel she can "hold it together" at job but does nothing at home to pull her weight. I come home to complete distress - her patient sister has done all the housework, her room is a mess, and within twenty four hours she melts down. Last night was the worst. They are becoming so much more intense and almost violent in her physicality as she is taller and heavier than me now. She repeats phrases, flaps her arms and begs for me to hug her and when I do, she physically pushes me away. If I do manage to cover her with the weighted blanket or calm her down, anything could trigger her again. She gets angry and tells me "I have an angry look on my face" and if I try to leave her alone to give her space, she flies into a rage and repeats "mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy" until I cannot get her out of the cycle. If I offer to sit with her until she calms (which she insists) she cries about me being angry at her (I am not, but I'm scared/tired/frustrated) or she spews hateful things about me not loving her or that I must wish she'd never been born, or clearly I love her sister more. All of these things are not true but she manages to come up with the most cruel and hurtful things to say, no matter what I say or don't say to her. Last night it went on for over three hours and the household was in complete chaos. I felt so trapped. She was at one point running in circles and crashing into walls, I felt so sorry for her. By the time it was over, my head felt like a tight vice was squeezing it and I had to throw up to release the pressure. I am at the end of my rope, nothing I do is right. Her psychiatrist gives us suggestions and things are better after an appointment but now she refuses to go or twists the psychiatrist's words or advice later. I am struggling to discern whether this is just her Aspergers sometimes and not a bigger disorder developing? Is she bipolar or depressed? She refuses to take part in diagnostic tools with the therapist. I am struggling with the fact that she can basically function at school and work and then directs these meltdowns at me for mostly innocuous reasons. As a parent, I now can't ask for basic things like picking up her room or helping with minor chores because she might melt down... I feel she is using them as a constant threat or manipulative tool to avoid talking responsibility for daily life. She also always blames me afterward: I didn't hug her enough (even if she pushed me away), I talk too much (even though she won't let me leave), I looked at her funny or meanly given though I may have just been intensely watching a show on TV and not even interacting with her). God forbid she falls or trips, then all hell breaks loose. I'm at the end of my rope. I love her intensely but the meltdowns are taking a toll on me. I am the one taking anti-anxiety meds. It's like having a three year old sometimes.

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    2. Why not find a group home or place for her to live with her peers? Obviously, she can function at work and school. She can hold down a job. Period. It is now time to let her go before she tries to kill you or your other child. I know. My sister tried to kill my mother.

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    3. This is very hard, but she can work and support herself. She is making your life and her sister's life hell. Look into a group home. Evict her if you have to before she kills you like my sister tried to kill my mother before the police took her away and finally did what my parents could not do. I know you love her, but she needs to take care of herself because you will not be around forever.

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    4. @ Saucy. It sounds like your daughter has another disorder pertaining to anxiety and/or stress. Does she have a bf? What about a best friend? I asks this because it seems she is not expressing what is bothering or distressing her before a meltdown. You should involve others who she is intimate with to view her meltdowns and get feedback on what is triggering them to decrease them happening so frequently. If she does not have a bf or best friend then she is using you as her sole outlet which is not your responsibilty 100 percent. Also, what are her hobbies and other interests? It would seem she lacks time to emerge herself in these activities on a routine basis. You need to draw a line in the sand and slowly move here out to her own place and car so she learns independence and eventually more respect for what you provide her at no cost: a safe haven from life's turmoil and drama. BRAVO for being a Kick a** mom who does not back down but her becoming fully dependant without leaning on you daily for support is your best recourse at this point. Hopefully you get this message (sorry it took over a year) but I am going through being tested and evaluated for asperger's just now at 46. Be there for her but not to the point where she cannot express what is bothering her in vivid details no matter how odd, paranoid or for lack of a better word strange she may seem doing so. And ask questions After she finishes to let her know most of these things are related to her own actions or inactions but in a very subtle, friendly way.

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    5. @ Saucy. It sounds like your daughter has another disorder pertaining to anxiety and/or stress. Does she have a bf? What about a best friend? I asks this because it seems she is not expressing what is bothering or distressing her before a meltdown. You should involve others who she is intimate with to view her meltdowns and get feedback on what is triggering them to decrease them happening so frequently. If she does not have a bf or best friend then she is using you as her sole outlet which is not your responsibilty 100 percent. Also, what are her hobbies and other interests? It would seem she lacks time to emerge herself in these activities on a routine basis. You need to draw a line in the sand and slowly move here out to her own place and car so she learns independence and eventually more respect for what you provide her at no cost: a safe haven from life's turmoil and drama. BRAVO for being a Kick a** mom who does not back down but her becoming fully dependant without leaning on you daily for support is your best recourse at this point. Hopefully you get this message (sorry it took over a year) but I am going through being tested and evaluated for asperger's just now at 46. Be there for her but not to the point where she cannot express what is bothering her in vivid details no matter how odd, paranoid or for lack of a better word strange she may seem doing so. And ask questions After she finishes to let her know most of these things are related to her own actions or inactions but in a very subtle, friendly way.

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    6. i can't begin to express how hard this hit home, it describes me & what i would do in this meltdown except my parents were not as patient! the only way i can describe this is that your brain is hijacked and you go into a manic state and everything is out of balance like you mentioned asking for a hug then rejecting it, that is a sign that the brain has malfunctioned big time! then afterwards when you return to a normal mind state all you can think is what the fuck just happened like you didn't want any of what just happened but you can't help it and that is the sad reality for people with this condition.

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    7. @Saucy After some thought, I think your daughter has not only Autism but also severe depression. I say this, because I actually had a similar conversation with my mother not to long ago. We had been having fights a lot, and I told her I knew she loved me, but I thought that if we had met socially or something, we probably wouldn't get along that well. She probably wouldn't like me very much. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was very wrong. That *I* might not have liked *her* very much, but if she had read my book, she would have respected me a great deal.

      This completely dumbfounded me. Because - and this is the important part - because I couldn't imagine ANYONE liking me very much. Because I thought I was a fuck-up who just caused trouble for anyone around me. Just a nuisance, a waste of space. I couldn't do anything right.

      So basically... she hates herself. She can't imagine ANYONE liking her. She thinks she's just a burden to everyone.

      So actually, she's very, very aware of all the strain she's causing. And she hates herself for it. And she doesn't know how to apologize for being a waste of space, because she thinks that's all she'll ever be. And there's no way out, no way to get better.

      She feels awful about herself, and she's trying to figure out why, and the only reason that makes any sense is that someone close to her is making her feel that way.

      The good news is, there is a type of therapy that is very, very effective at treating psychological depression. It's called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There is even a book I particularly recommend, called "Feeling Good," by David Burns. ($5 on Amazon.com) Despite the stupid title, the psychology is rock-solid. The most effective part, for me, is covered in the very beginning of the book. It's about identifying and changing cognitive distortions - errors in your thinking patterns that cause you to beat yourself up and become depressed. Personally, I think all Autistic people should try it, since I think we're especially susceptible to some of them and it REALLY takes its toll.

      Clinical depression, which I also have, requires medication. Do not let anyone tell you to have your daughter take meds before you've tried CBT. If you're wrong, and the side effects are bad, it will cause her to lose all faith in the process and resist it. Medication is not for everyone. It helps me, but it might not help her.

      It's actually really sad when you think about it. Your daughter hates herself -> She has a meltdown -> It stresses everyone out -> she realizes this -> she hates herself even more.

      Never assume an Autistic person doesn't care just because they don't know how to express it. Because they do. They just have no idea how to change it.

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    8. Thank you Ilsa, and everyone else on here. I'm not evn diagnosed yet, just found out about this in relation to myself a few weeks ago. I am 55 years old, and so embarrassed. I see so much of myself in all these examples. It also explains so much of what has happened all my life, being fired, impulsively quitting, failed relationships, horrid temper tantrums/meltdowns. Ilsa, thanks for the recommendations on therapy, the book, and medication. I know now what is wrong, but am overwhelmed and feel helpless that it is too late for me.
      Thanks for posting and I will check put the book you recommed!

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  13. yeah... my problem is my parents never thought I had asperger's, only dhd, and I have such a cognitive deficit and executive function problem, PLUS my natural personality traits of being a libra sun, virgo moon, scorp rising, that I just... I was in terror most of my life, and felt alone, becuase whenever I tried ot tell ANY ADULT AUTHORITY FIGURE something was wrongf wiht me, in the best way I could, they didn't pay attention. I was alone, and very angry, even though i had parents and school and a doctor. ;my dad, who has asperger's, can get SO LOUD and scary when he yells... I'm 30, and still live at home. I had to take ritalin for my adhd... but it made my nerves ten billion times worse,so bad I licked my lips as a child till they were raw and bleeding. ;( He msut hve scorpio rising too, though, because he is so scary. he thnks I'm worthless when my meltdowns and his conjoin... it's not pretty. one day, somebody's gonna die of nobody helps us. And it won't be anyone's fault. that's the sad thing. my mo mchased me into my closet once after a fight, screaming that I should stop acting autistic. :O My dad SCREAMED at me once (scorpios look scarier than they think they do, hence my abject fear) becaues I couldn't understand my homework one night in elementary school. I'm no picnic either. we need help, not being treated like retards by EVERYOne we've ever tried to get help from. ;( sad right now. Anybody would feel paranoid after all that and ritalin and being bullied in school and your parents not understanding or helping and making fun of you and yelling, saying all the while thatthey love oyu. My mom sat on the couch once and plotted against the neighbors suddenly, one day, when was ten I think... i suddenly looked at her and was very afraid. I didn;t recognize her... after year ten, I realized I was completely alone in the entire world. nothing much has changed. but I'm still here god damn it. I trained MSELF to think around my issues... and STILL it isn;t enough. But I'm here. god damn it I'm HERE. Be well my friends... be well, and know that I love you, even if no one else in your life does. Can't do much about it becuae I need to be alone, but can't be due ot other needs.. but I DO love oyu. It won't always be like this for us. Take heart. ;)

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    1. You are 30 years old! Go and take action and get some help! Parents do the best they can,sometimes they don't make the right decisions,like Ritalin,but you need to be an adult and get help!

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    2. It can be very very difficult being parented by Aspies.....I have found adult children of (usually undiagnosed) Aspies often have separation anxiety and emotional insecurity , ADD, bit like complex developmental trauma.....because of problems with recognising the distress and emotional needs of the baby and child.....some good kind informed therapy and some letting go of blame would be helpful...animals are good Pets are very healing and give the unconditional love without words....

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    3. It can be very difficult parenting an aspire, period.

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    4. @Victoria Waters...
      (Again, noticing this comment is way late, but if it helps someone somewhere, it's worth saying...)

      That comment was very ableist and hurtful.

      I'm 31. I can't live on my own. I can't cook for myself, or leave home alone, can't make appointments for myself, cannot hold a job, and most people aren't patient enough to befriend me, let alone love me. It makes life extremely difficult and complicated.

      To suggest a person with Asperger's just "be an adult" and "go take action", because you don't personally understand what they're going through is offensive, and basically bullying. Please don't ever say this.

      I hardly ever comment on message boards, because social interaction is so difficult and painful for me, but that comment was so inexplicably insensitive, I'm utterly dumbfounded.

      Please understand that we may have issues with things that seem very basic to others. We are already self conscious of these things, and being told to basically just "grow out of your autism" is heartbreaking and frustrating. And I promise you, it will never better the situation.

      Delete
    5. ^ I strongly agree with above person. Victoria Waters, that was a very insensitive and naive thing to say.

      Delete
  14. I have meltdowns. I just had one about 20 min ago. It was embarrassing actually and brought on by the fact that I misplaced a vacuum part. :/ I always knew growing up that I was different from my peers...just didn't understand why. Sometimes now, I wonder if I am an aspie. Is there a way for me to find out? I am 31 years old and mother of one child(a daughter years) I would like to know what is going on with me.

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  15. I have a number of patients who are high functioning aspies diagnosed late in life. Their meltdowns frighten others and are very distressing for them.. It is pure unfettered emotion expressed with incredible intensity through whole body, expression and voice.......each person has a different characteristic meltdown signature.

    Once it is over, (and I have not found it responds to medication) the pertson feels "rebooted" like clean slate....I think they go back to left brain functioning without the emotional buildup and can be entirely logical.
    This makes it look like its under their control but its not. At the same time they dont realise how it affects others. They do have physical exhaustion...aches and pains from muscle tension and become incredibly flushed with an autonomic outpouring.
    Just my observations.. I was wondering if clonidine helps....any experience here from Aspies?

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    Replies
    1. My Aspie friend would benefit greatly from some cognitive therapy, but he apparently doesn't know he has Asperger's and is very anti-diagnosis or categorising of anything health-related. One of his verbal meltdowns with me subsequently proved to be about his definition of "health issues", while I thought I was having a philosophical discussion of how interesting it is that we all have our own shades of meanings for words! As I had a childhood history of abuse, I found his 2 meltdowns quite frightening and upsetting but now I know they weren't really directed at me as a person, just the content of the argument, I don't think he's psychologically dangerous for me. However, if he knew his triggers [now I know, I can avoid them or steer around them], he might be able to divert himself, leave the situation or warn others. How can I ever get him to a stage where he might seek some assistance?

      Delete
    2. PurpleVases - You have described my 26 y.o. son very well. Just went through another meltdown with him and decided to try Google to see if this is typical of adults with ASD, so feeling a little better. What's most difficult is my son has NO CONCEPT of how these meltdowns hurt. He says hurtful things OR everything that comes out of his mouth has tension and/or anger behind it. When it's over he seems absolutely clueless about the damage he's done and then expects everyone to just go about their business unaffected.

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    3. My daughter as well - it's like the buildup releases and she can wake up the next day and generally mumble an apology to nobody in particular and then expect us all to be light and breezy in spite of the hateful things she has said (which I think she might not even remember or she pretends not to). She just goes about her business and its like she has rebooted her brain, but without realizing the toll it has taken on everyone, especially me because I'm in the thick of it while it's happening. She also has NO CONCEPT as to what this is doing to the rest of us. I worry that these are signs of being so completely self centred that she will never have a healthy adult relationship.

      Delete
    4. Do not be so quick to assume that it's a reformat as well as a reboot, to continue the use of computer terminology (a reboot allows the system to start fresh without the slowdown and stresses of memory usage from the last session; a reformat deletes all data on the drive to be filled up again. Personally speaking, I am fully aware of the horrible things I've said and done once I recover from my meltdowns - my mum in particular has expressed shock on multiple occasions that I wake up 'as though nothing has happened'.

      The thing is, I -know- that I did horrible things last night. But I also know that they are not actually representative of how I feel about my family. I also don't know how to 'fix' what I've done or to actually express what I really feel. So - yeah. I mumble an apology and try to just go about my day. I know 'you' (family) aren't okay. I don't know how to make you okay. I don't know if that would even work, because from where I'm standing another episode is inevitable eventually, maybe for the stupidest of reasons, and I'll just hurt you again.

      Delete
    5. Have you and your family seen a psychiatrist? I'm worried that you think you may hurt them again. To make them okay is to go see a professional to stop hurting them.

      Delete
    6. @Saucy: Calling your daughter "self centered" and focusing on what her neurological condition, which she has NO CONTROL over, is doing to *you*, with no concern that I can see for her wellbeing, only shows that YOU are the self-centered one.

      Complaining about an autistic person's meltdowns because you have an issue with them is like complaining about their eye color. It's something that we literally CANNOT control.
      If your daughter were paraplegic, I'm presuming your main issue with it would be how much of a pain dealing with a wheelchair would be for *you*.
      I hope that in the year since you made that post, your daughter has found a better living situation, since you obviously lack the wearwithal to be parenting a special needs person.

      Delete
    7. I disagree. I'm not saying you can control it. Buy words can hurt others. A LOT. Especially if they are people who love you. NT's can't just get over it in a day. I have a disability. My 25 yr daughter is an Aspie, who also has PTSD from serving in Iraq as well as Bipolar Disorder. But we have both taken the attitude of learning about each other and being considerate of each other. She lives on her own, drives, has friends and is not an angry person, but very sunny with a positive outlook. We both have worked hard on ourselves to have a good relationship - it sure didn't come easy. We respect each others boundaries. We both have therapists. We both take responsibility for our actions.
      Just because you have a meltdown and can't control it, that doesn't mean you don't take responsibility for it. When I hurt someone I apologize and mean it. Then I do what I can to mitigate it. So does she. Sometimes when people have been hurt with cruel words, just listening to them after apologizing can work wonders. So can assuring them that you love them. It goes both ways.
      You can be NT and sometimes act like an asshole, just as you can be Aspie and sometimes act like an asshole. Because we are all human.

      Delete
  16. I have recently realised that the friend I "diagnosed" as having Asperger's has classic "meltdowns". I didn't understand why small things were leading to gigantic arguments and then him not speaking to me for (up to 6) months! I thought, from my own experiences with many children and teens on the autism spectrum, that HFAs no longer had meltdowns, but I just hadn't seen any. It's taken 2 arguments over the personal meaning of common words for me to realise what happened. However, it's been 5 weeks and he still won't speak to me or answer emails- and I haven't pestered him either. I wish there was some way of discovering if any progress is being made as it's quite depressing for me. I suppose he may have "rebooted" and be perfectly happy with the situation but there is no way for me to find out as all his friends have cut me off as well. Difficult times.

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  17. Can anyone offer me advice? I was recently on the receiving end of an Autistic outburst at my place of employment. The man had what I can only describe as an "Incredible Hulk" moment, clenching fists, shaking all over and screaming at me. I filed an HR incident report and was told " disciplinary action will be taken. I have to work in the same area as this person and I am terrified that it will happen again as he has a history of outbursts, 10-15, previously. I was trying to help him, giving him information that he needed in his new position, a highly stressful one, and everyone who was around us are just waiting for it to happen again. What am I/can I do to protect myself from a future outburst ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are a lot of places to get help as an NT, please go there!

      Delete
    2. I went to Human Resources and they were of no help, I need help as I am afraid that the person I work with who has Aspergers will have another outburst in the workplace as he has already had 10+. Where do I turn to next?

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    3. Keep a diary. And of what they are about. They shouldn't be in a position of human authority.

      Delete
    4. Tina, my name is Justin, since you have gone to the trouble of searching for an answer, I feel you are well meaning and honestly trying to help the greater good in your work place. I hope you have found a resolution for your problematic work associate by this time. If not, I would suggest that this person may have an additional disorder besides ASD, and that the interaction of multiple conditions, makes them very good at their job 95% of the time. However, speaking from experience, as one who has been the perpetrator of many different levels of socially inappropriate behaviour, due to many reasons, it is never completely your fault or responsibility. I am very sorry for my past meltdowns, and have taken every precaution possible, and even some that have been unnecessarily restrictive to myself socially, to prevent or mitigate the severity and frequency of such in the future. There is no easy way to fix this problem, it is highly likely that, like me, this person may not be the best personality in a high stress situation, able to sense the problems very accurately, but unable to find a way to effectively keep everyone, including themselves happy. Your input, necessary and helpful, even given in a positive well meaning way, seems to have triggered a memory of an emotionally charged experience, the resulting display being the physiological effect of an adult struggling to restrain the complete neural bypassing of inner social filters, unveiling part of their true feelings of frustration for a short space in time. The best course of action may be to simply keep reading more about the condition that you know or suspect that person has, and by understanding them better, you will know yourself if you should take a specific stance of action or interaction. I cannot say weather in your circumstances, that person is dangerous, or if they are the victim, or both, but the usual way of these things is if the situation improves, that person will move mountains to help others. If they decide in themselves for whatever reason to leave this situation, their next situation will be worse again. To a great extent, those around them have a greater influence than their own internal balances. Sorry I could not be more specific in this type of forum, or you find this overly cryptic, I am an aspie amoungst other things.

      Delete
  18. I am an aspie and my partner is not able to handle my melt downs and kicked me out. She claims they don't exist as her friend says they don't.

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  19. There are forty minutes left of my Thanksgiving, and I get to spend them the same way I've spent the last six hours of it: knowing that I ruined it with what I now, after reading this entry and the comments here, recognize as a full-on adult aspie meltdown. I am 31 years old, and today I called my father whom I love a "son of a bitch" in the car on the way home from the restaurant where we were going to have our holiday dinner together.

    I've only known about having autism for less than a year now, and I've held the mistaken assumption that since I have only lost control fully and screamed in public one time (back in high school), I just wasn't the sort prone to meltdowns. I was proud of this. But then I read... this...

    Now I understand. I've had dozens and dozens of meltdowns. Maybe a hundred, over three decades. I am not better. I am not -lucky-. I am not immune to the worst of it, despite having what I still consider to be a pretty mild (or "extremely high-functioning", if you prefer the looking-to-the-positive perception angle) case of autism.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really feel for you. You're still young though and can try to train yourself to avoid behaviour that makes your relationships difficult. Or maybe work out what your limits are.

      Delete
  20. I have meltdowns from time to time and being blind adds to the stress.
    I am told that the outsider sees it as my attitude as in their mind autism does not exist and they tell me it is me. I should grow out of the meltdowns.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I become very stresses out. I have high functioning autism and become very frustrated. I have many autism meltdows I become really stressed out and anxious and confused and I may shout words that are not nice. I have to express my anger by shouting at the top of my voice to be able to calm down and this can take a few hours. My mum would ask me why did I shout a d argue I would say I don't know why and I say I can't remember. I forget why I started arguing and shouting after it has happened.

    I become anxious and paronoid over very small things.

    I become really panicky and frustrated and worry when I get in a state when arguing and screaming. I sweat exec ivy my clothes become drenched in sweat and I become really confused and unable to listen to anyone. And say you don't understand and care to the other person I am arguing or shouting at.


    I feel very panicky and fearful of what I could say or do when I am angry and become very would up easily and my fists clench and all I want to do is keep on hitting the person I am arguing with and bashing things and breaking things buy I stead I do things before I think. I find it hard to think before I speak. Any strategies I have been told to do when angry just go out the windows as I forget and the time I am in a raging autism temper.

    I have to have half of a small calming down tablet when I become too much h when shouting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean about all of the control techniques just going out the window during one of these events. I can practice Four Square breathing and whatever meditation technique you can dream up all day long, but when I hit the breaking point, I can't remember that those techniques exist, let alone use them. It's so frustrating when someone says "just take a deep breath". All a deep breath will do at that point is give me more air to yell and scream with.

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  22. Hi im finding it really hard not to get stressed and loss it recently and am afraid of hurting myself or some one else iv never dealt with stress very well and recently i just cant vent it cant find a chill space to clear my mind and thoughts and its seriously affecting my work and social life if there is anyone who can help me out with any tips i would be most appreciated

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  23. I so feel your pain. I am another face of Autism. I am the family member who suffers with you. I am the one who cares about what you're going through. The one who wants to share your pain. Who wants to help, the one who you run away from. The one who takes your abusive words over & over again. The one you hit in an angry rage. The one who cleans up your mess in the aftermath of a full blown meltdown. The one who tries to protect you. One Who loves you

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  24. I wish there was a lovely smiling person with a wonderful soothing voice to calm me down when I have a meltdown. The man next door keeps building a screen right next to my window and it has become such a huge emotional obsession to me. Whenever I go out he constructs a bit more, and when I get home I fly into an uncontrollable rage
    and disassemble it. The people in my street are very wary of me now. These rages have a knock-on effect that can last for years, and yet when I am in one I do not care. I actively WANT the police to come so I can calm down in a cell. This has not yet happened, but possibly only a matter of time. My rages are so destructive that if I cannot throw things around and break them I will crash anything into my own face that I can lay my hands on. I wish someone would just take charge of the situation when it happens. The feeling of self-hatred, or even defiance,
    afterwards is so destructive to my wellbeing.

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  25. I see its some aspies need the effection during a meltdown and some need to be left alone. I dont know if because as a kid, my dad wouldnt let me go to my room when i was starting to meltdown, that now i cant be alone during one, or if i am just crazy. I wish I could walk away. Something makes me keep trying to fix the situation or i keep explaining the same thing over and over while screaming and hurting myself or partner. I am generally very calm and shy and nice so i dont know why i have to meltdown like this. My partner is the one that walks away and it freaks me out. It sends a shear straight panic into my body and mind and all i can think about is the goal to get them to understand me and to hug me so i can feel the pressure. I dont meltdown if I get a good squeeze during the pre-meltdown. I comes out eventually sure, but if someone could just squeeze me every time i got anxious and then talk to me about whatever it is that is freaking me out, then i am sure i would do better in not allowing them to get so out of control. I do not want to do it in front of my kids but i cant stop it. Its like my brain takes over and I can only see whats going on but I cant make it stop until my brain gets what it wants. I have terrible vertigo because of the head poundings and my legs are always bruised cause i dont want to hurt people so it feels better when i hurt myself and sometimes i dont realize i am even hurting myself or anyone else. To me it just feels like i am reaching out trying to find closure, but really i am grabbing and clawing and smacking whatever, whoever and throwing anything that is around me. I HATE them and I want them to stop because other than these, I am a really good person who keeps to herself. I go to therapy, she gives me lessons and things to do in situations that get hard, but it doesnt help if the other people push you because they are tired of the behavior. Well people, so the hell am I. So stop being upset with me and start helping me. I dont know things till its done or already too far. Be me while I cant be me. Calm me down and get over yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I had no idea other adult Aspies had "meltdowns" - common as a kid -full blown terror with no way to explain. The doctor said I was a bad child and to punish me. As I grew older my family would push my buttons, knowing I'd explode, and they could dismiss me as "crazy." As I grew older, working, dating etc, I'd explode, but it was specific to situations. Now I'm old and I just stay away from people and I'm much more calm and thoughtful. BUT, I've discovered that I get angry with myself - I have to live with my failures, odd moods and frustrations. I'm really hard on myself at times when I just can't seem to cope with stress.

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    Replies
    1. Same. I was a bad child and my family would antagonize me. Then criticize and humiliate me. No wonder I'm such a failure.

      Delete
    2. Wow, u just said wat I am, Kira-- thank u for helping me. Reading ur post a little later, in 2017! Am a Christian who loves de Lord, yet feels constantly a failure to Him and to every1 else ard me. Not His fault of course . Its been a revelation this morning to noe Im not abnormal Nor am I ill and I dun hve to feel guilty abt having Aspergers, but while I can, I shud take de initiative to minimize trigger factors. Bless you

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  27. I am 20 years old and have not been diagnosed with Aspergers but many of the "symptoms" explain my life. As a child I would have a meltdown and get mad at my friends and end up hurting them, they were over the littlest things as well, but it was the trigger and the blinding moment of anger afterwards. As I grew up I became embarrassed and kept everything to myself. I have broken much of my technology over the years and also done many of the classic meltdown characteristics. I hit myself in the head, I bite my hand, I flap around and just basically have a tantrum for up to ten minutes. My mom is the only one who has heard my meltdowns, I have gotten so mad at her and mumble curse words under my breath until it builds into full on rage and then I go and have a meltdown to myself. I am triggered by noises that take away my peace, things that I misplace, mistakes I make, or technology being unresponsive. I have depression as well, and have been having worse meltdowns lately because of it, and many suicidal thoughts race around my head.

    I have always had a hard time in social situations and get overwhelmed by people. I lack empathy when talking to people, but I experience too much empathy when I am listening to a story, watching a movie, or reading a book. I have never been normal and even when I try to be I fail horribly. The few people in my life that stick around long enough to get to know the real me, don't know about my beliefs for having Aspergers, but maybe they wouldn't even notice because I hide my tantrums. I am terrible with words and I constantly am saying things that aren't socially acceptable, but I am getting better at watching my words. Whenever I talk to someone I am always thinking, am I looking them in the eyes too much, am I saying something awkward, and how are they feeling towards me right now. I get scared and just can't read how people view me, but I use myself as a way to gauge how to interact with others. If I don't like something then I won't to it, but if I appreciate people doing that then I wI'll try and do it. I have been overly generous and awkward before, because I like to make people happy but I always go a little to far and its hard for me to understand what the boundaries are. I come off as cold and aloof quite often and when people get to know me they see my loving spririt. I just want to help people, and i am a missionary in Guatemala. Even though I am bad at interacting with people, I just want the world to be a safe place for everyone. I put myself out of my comfort zone quite often, and i am learning a lot from it. It's hard for me to be here in communal living because my safe quite place is disrupted by loud noises all the time that trigger my meltdowns. I don't know what to do, or if I even have aspergers. Any advice?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Try crying, even though it may feel very shameful, you can go and hide somewhere and cry, & I find it is just as effective in release as having a real meltdown. But without the embarrassment and shame of hurting people.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Consider going somewhere where you can hide and having a really good cry, I find that this has the same calming effect as if I had had a meltdown. Even though crying I find is very embarrassing and I feel ashamed, it is more embarrassing to have a meltdown and hurt people. So, perhaps a normal people use crying as a release such as when we get overwhelmed. Don't know about others, but have never really wanted to cry. But it actually works, and doesn't involve medication.

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  30. I have had meltdown but I have not been diagnosed as an Aspie. Wondering if I should seek formal assessment due the similarities of my life experience but some aren't. The last time I couldn't control myself I got injured because of head banging and have the wound stitched up. That was the most serious one. I mostly cry at home because of stress in studies and social interactions with others, but recently I wonder if it's normal to cry because of social situations as I am in my mid twenty and people around me doesn't cry because of those situations. I just avoid joining activity that have many people. But I feel normal in many parts of my life in work and studying. I do think I have empathy, and I read a lot about ASD but the comments on empathy and some other characteristics are somehow inconclusive. So I am not sure if I am just having a self-confirmation bias on suspecting myself or it's an explanation of the way I am and I was.

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  31. This site is exactly what I was looking for. Just as "Aspergers Reality", this site provides insight and recognition for everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I just experienced one of many meltdowns in my aspergers husband. Its scary and he says hurtful things and throws and breaks things. I'm on anxiety medication because of the sheer panic I experience when he's having his meltdown. We also have 3 children. All have been witnesses to his angry scary behavior. I as an adult have been under intense emotional distress dealing with this and walking on eggshells. I'm scared as to the emotional stress it puts my children under. I want to leave with the children but then he's alone. He has no friends and a mother who is mentally abusive herself. I can't find a therapist who understands aspergers to help us. The last therapist we saw explained that she can't help anymore. She is worried for my mental health through dealing with these meltdowns and the overall aspie behavior. Ugh. Help me someone!!!!! I don't know how to leave and be on my own with 3 children and one who is also AS.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I have had the experience of being on the other end of my aspie husband's meltdowns. Our 3 children have been on the other end of it too. Its scary. Its hard to deal with the angry outbursts that result in throwing and breaking things while saying hurtful things to me. I want to escape my situation but I don't know how. I am a stay home mom. I have a daughter who is suspected of AS as well. I'm overwhelmed and I feel scared and alone. I'm on anxiety medication because of the eggshells I walk on daily living with an aspergers husband. Help. What can I do? If I leave he will be all alone. If I leave how will I financially support myself and our children? I'm so distressed over this life I live. I'm sad. I'm afraid. I'm lonely.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You need support. Do you have any family you can go to? Im an aspie dad and I'm researching my own meltdowns. My wife is in a similar mental state. After 15 years, I no longer break things, but I still have meltdowns every week or so, and it's a living hell for all of us. Only you know how dangerous the situation is. If the choice is someone dying or being seriously hurt, then you need to get out - he might be alone, but he won't be in jail. Seek help, get some support, talk about it. People who've been through this are willing to help. Safety first.

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  34. Hey everyone.
    I am not sure if I even have Asperger's but I do know that my mother is a high functioning Aspie and my youngest brother is as well. My mum believes I have ghostings of it. But I have done some research and I do have a lot of similarities. I usually bottle my emotions off and every 3 months or so I do end up having a meltdown. A couple of days ago, due to a big disagreement with a friend, I lost it. I did not do anything physical, I became hysterical, hyperventilating, sobbing, I was even disgusted in myself that my boyfriend had to see me like this. I honestly felt like I was not in the right state of mind. I feel now that I have scared my boyfriend away. He doesn't know how to deal with it. I feel alone. I live by myself, in my 20s and have Uni and work. I do suffer from anxiety and depression. I really don't know what to do now.

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    Replies
    1. Tell him your an Aspie,If he loves you he will learn to live with it.My wife understands I get overwhelmed and sees it coming telling me to go into another room until it passes.You should not be upset you are a wonderful human as an Aspie you are loyal,kind and clever.no one is perfect so don't put yourself down.Dont be ashamed it's not your fault.

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  35. Can high functioning AS "lose it" as they age and increase the level of aggressive outbursts?

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  36. As I've read down all these posts I think a lot of you don't understand Aspies very well. The article is more about extreme examples, not the norm if you can call it that. HFA or Aspergers is about emotions that are very intense and at times so strong that the Aspie will do just about anything to get rid or deny the emotion. Having the condition isn't the Aspie's fault but the actions are the Aspie's fault. To think that it's an excuse is the worst thing an Aspie can do. If you've got problems don't be stupid and let them get worse. Take responsibility. Find resources and get help from professionals who diagnose and treat mental illness. You can be an Aspie and be healthy. Communities have resources to provide what you need at minimal or no cost at all. If you've been there and tried but not had the success you want, don't give up trying and find someone better to help you.

    You don't have to be afraid and your loved ones don't need to fear you. Get help and maintain yourself. If you are as angry, so what! Have the guts to take responsibility for what good you do have and build on it to make your life better! Don't be bitter and don't take it out on others. That's just immature and selfish.

    To those significant others who want to have things get better be smart about what you do. You can be a support that makes the Aspie's life and your life better. Take a class on how to deal with stress, read up on social skills and how to help resolve an Aspie's feelings. Sometimes the best thing you can do is tell them that they're okay and safe. They need to know you're there for them but don't panic. I have felt my worst when I felt disconnected with my spouse, family, and support group. Love is about feeling safe and connected.

    We Aspies get mind blindness when the feelings are too strong. What that means is that we fail to understand emotions in others. At our worst we don't know how to control ourselves and do stupid things. Help us feel that you understand us and accept us and we can let go of the emotions and find resolution and healing. Give us opportunity to work through our emotions and help us gain momentum in self control and coping.

    There are free classes how to deal with anger, loss, and how to get a job. Tell us what's important to you and because it's important to you it will become important to us. Tell us we can do it and be positive. Yes we've made mistakes and we'll make more but encourage us to try and give us time to come to the same conclusion. We're smart just not always smart enough to make good decisions.

    Life can be happy and rewarding if we're willing to put in the work to make it that way. Be patient and realize that meaningful change takes time. When we feel loved and safe we are capable of doing incredible things. There are very famous Aspies who succeed and should inspire us to be the best we can be. Being a victim is the worst we can be.

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    Replies
    1. Agree. But in kidz, dey often dunno wat to do. Any tips pls?

      Delete
    2. Hello Hedge. I could not agree more with what you have said. Weather we are NT Or Aspergers are we not responsible for ourselves? And from my experience it is ncredibly scary when a man who is 6 foot tall with big muscles from being a shearer his whole adult life has a meltdown and grabs you and throws you out of the house. And you go and sleep in the car as your too terrified to go back inside....and now he is in his late 50s and the likelyhood is now he can't and won't do anything about anything. I can accept that its highly likely he has Aspergers and I don't see it as a issue but for him being a very Australian male then it is a massive issue. I am painting the picture that he has in his mind of being abnormal, a failure, useless and stupid when in fact I know that he is completely the opposite.

      I just feel so sad that so many relationships between couples where one is NT and the other Aspergers fail when so many could and would succeed if both were able to do the work. My relationship ended as he kept telling me over and over that he didn't want a relationship with me and only wanted sex but that just made me feel used and could not do it anymore. He can't and won't let go of anything as he is in constant self preservation mode. It is and has been incredibly heartbreaking for me as he only sees me as the enemy and I still get angry as I only want to be with him as we have so much in common.

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  37. I've come to the point of realization that speaking to the aspie while in an anger rant only turns the anger higher. My aspie bf knows his anger is usually unwarranted and excessive compared to the fault. Because he knows this, I refuse to speak or give him eye contact. I first tell him while looking him in the eye "I'm not going to address this issue while your anger is taking control of you." I do not acknowledge his presence while he is in this state of mind. No matter what he says or does (ie. destroy personal belongings in my case), I stay stoic.

    After he has calmed, which could be days at times, he ends up realizing once again that his anger is an issue. Hopefully he will realize one day that his anger is unmanageable. And with my subtle and gentle nudging combined with constant reassurance that "we are in this together; I'm right here; we can overcome this obstacle together", he will eventually decide to get therapy for his much needed anger management.

    What I have noticed is our arguments are less, simply because I refuse to participate. I completely separate my emotions from his. I continue my days with my pleasant, calm attitude as normal, avoiding having thoughts of "what just happened?!!?". I'm naturally a very laid back person. Always have been into fitness, sports, and socialize often. Another important thing is staying busy with constructive habits in which to better yourself. When you are constantly reaching new achievements for yourself, the approval and desire you expect from your aspie is no longer an issue when you have those peer groups congratulating you all the time.

    I'm not a professional, and not saying this approach will 100% work for you and your aspie, but it has provided an enormous amount of relief in my life, so I wanted to share.

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    1. I hope you will understand that you do not have to put up with this. Even if you don't believe me now, someday you will tire of being in a permanent care giver role. Nothing destroys a marriage/relationship like becoming a "mother figure" for an aspie. You will lose respect for the aspie and then finally for yourself when you realize everything you gave up for someone who will never truly appreciate it. You will get tired of the endless "tantrums" (I refuse to call them meltdowns because they are adult tantrums - call it like it is). Have a complete life with someone who cares as deeply about you - VALUE YOURSELF.

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    2. Thank you, Beentheredonethat, for your response. I was a caregiver for elderly parents until last year. I think the needs of my ex-BF, whom I suspect has AS, put me into automatic caregiver mode. His most recent incident hit home that I can't (and don't want to) walk on eggshells any longer. You're right, there's a certain amount of self-respect with letting go and being with someone who cares deeply.

      Delete
  38. Just been Diagnosed at 37.
    My wife left me at the onset of my diagnosis -
    I'm now in another relationship, happier and chugging along (she may well have Aspergers too but un diagnosed), I find working with others a nightmare in employment, as i'd rater do things myself for fear of them making a mistake.
    I had a stable office job, I was pushed into another role and couldn't handle the change I now work for myself as it seems the only option as people do not understand me most of the time.
    I'm struggling sometimes financially, but feel marginally better for this - I have a very short attention span sometimes (this fluctuates massively) and get agitated in office environments.
    I thought i'd share this as this is my story as it unfolds at this late stage in my life. :)

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  39. Ok I apologize if this type of question has already been answered as i haven't been able to look at all the comments... I am currently trying to help out a family member and I temp have my young adult niece that is high functioning Autistic, Aspergers, and slight mental retardation... She also never really seen a specialist from what i understand. I'm working on trying to get her seen but until then the way others around us deal with her seems to be just impatience and no consideration to her feelings whatsoever. When they explain things to her they say it in what seems either to be a belittling tone or really loud. Most of that is why i opened my door to her my heart was breaking for her. But when we go visit family right away she has an attitude. I don't baby her per say. But she doesn't have meltdowns nearly as much with me either. I guess i just need some pointers?

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  40. I'm 25 I suffer from aspergers I have realised that there is no help we can't just stop being the way we are talking to people won't help because they could never understand medication only makes people worse there is no cure or treatment for aspergers medication is just a business it was never there to help people like us pharmaceutical companies profit billions each year throwing their medication at us without any real understanding nobody wants to help you all they want you to do is keep coming back for more medication they depend on it the same goes for depression it's all a racket don't be a part of it aspies are intelligent and interesting people there is no such thing as normal be who you are don't ever let anyone take that from you or make you feel like an outcast.

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    1. If something is triggering your meltdowns, learn that trigger. And let others around you know that trigger, so that they will be able to recognize what ticks you off. So, they can help you avoid meltdowns. Having lived with my Aspie son having horrible anger fits and meltdowns, I believe that Aspies need to do personal evaluations of themselves and their own behavior. Learn how to avoid meltdowns, and if you can't avoid it, then remove yourself to a safe place. If others can't respect that you need to remove yourself from certain situations, in order to safeguard your emotional needs, they aren't your friends.

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  41. I am at a loss as to how to deal with my partners melt downs (personaly) there is no way I can deal with them on his behalf anyway his brick wall goes so high the only place it crumbles is where he knocks holes to fire verbal bullets at me often from knowhere he can attack a compliment which si what he did tonight after I simply called him a soldier after he worked all day walked 4 miles then when tap dancing I said it via message on ym daughter phone right after telling him I was painting a picture for him for his birthday I have even carefully planned that as I know he has a real issue with captialism so thought I would make him something creative and only told him because he thought I was being lazy while really I am simply waiting for a DBS to come through before I start full time work and I decided not to be lazy but to plan his birthday and well the abuse I just got on the phone was totally uncalled for so I messaged him saying I think maybe he would benefit from a punch bag to sort his anger out rather than aim it at me! then after my day being all about him he mesages me back saying its not all about me ! when actually my whole dam day has been about him and only now when he abuses me on the phone because he's had a hard day it becomes about me cause I am not going to tolerate that shite as far as I am concerned aspergers is a reason its not an excuse he knows why he is like he is but he seems to think its an excuse to not be mindful not be sorry not care how it makes anyone else feel but him I am sorry but how much of this is asperger's and how much of it is arrogance ? cause right now the arrogance is shining through like comment

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    1. Hi.I am with a recently diagnosed aspie and it explains alot.he also suffers with depression.like u said how much of the behaviour is arrogance.they think they can get away with everything.we have a son together and his moods and strange behaviour are a joke.I feel like I'm stuck because I have no where to go and to be honest I've had it with him.they are selfish people and should stay on their own instead of being in a relationship and hurting innocent people.it's all about them

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  42. Hi I just found out this year I have Aspergers and I feel like I might be going to a melt down

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  43. I just ruined my marriage and my life, because I lost control.

    I am now at a loss of what to do and have become stagnant, fearing that I will make things worse.

    What is really messed up is, I really want to cry right now. I want to open the floodgates and let the emotions out that I can feel on the inside. I can't. It doesn't happen. It hurts. It's on the verge and it never comes.

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    1. :( I can only imagine how terrifying, and heartbreaking that must've been for you. Hugs!

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  44. What if you've gone 40 years of your life without being diagnosed and its not until a little over 3 months before your 41st birthday that you finally get diagnosed and you look back on your life and realize that a lot of the mistakes and failures and losses in your past could of been avoided if the school system, mental health services you've been getting could of recognized the symptoms of the AS and helped me so I could of been helping myself better and be happy today instead of the alternitive......I worked hard for years and turn around and find out it's something I've had all my life and I'm like WTF.....

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  45. I'm the parent of a 20 year old son who probably has AS but doesn't know it. I wonder if it would be helpful or hurtful for him to know. I'm undecided whether to bring it up or let him figure things out on his own. He is an adult, living on his own, off campus with 1 more yr of college. Right now, all he knows is that he can't make friends and can't hold a job. He just got fired from a summer internship because he couldn't work within a team and was missing meetings, not socializing. He has a fear of interacting with people, so it makes sense he would avoid these things. He acts like he "expected" it because it's happened so often in life, where he's tried, been rejected and failed.

    It sounds like you wished you knew about it earlier so you could have gotten the help you needed. But did you work out your issues in the end without any help? Or are you still struggling?

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  46. Would you like to contact me and I can share my similar experience I've had with my son, and the decisions I made.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi Ann-Marie,
      I just saw your post and YES, I would very much like to hear about your experience. Is there some way to PM you? I can't find any way to do that on this forum. Or maybe there is another forum that supports PM where we can chat in private. Thanks for replying

      Delete
    2. You can contact me on this email:

      annwaters7@aol.co.uk :)

      Delete
  47. The past beastly 2 years I've been sorta living with my girlfriend and her family. They don't really know how to deal with my aspergers. I get called lazy and they used to take the piss out of me whenever I would storm out and cry or if her little brother (who possibly might have aspies or adhd) would perpously hurt me and I'd cry. I still get called lazy and whenever me and my girlfriend have an argument she says stuff to really hurt me and recently I've been walking out a lot and staying at friends but nothing is helping me when I get angry. I can't control it. I wake up 75% of the time I wake up irritated and angry and it just gets worse throughout the day. The doctors seem to do nothing about it. Any advice?

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    1. Have you tried telling her about your feelings and how such words affect you?

      Delete
  48. I'm an Aspie in a relationship and with a family of three children. I'm lucky enough to be in the tech industry in a career where I can work from home, although I've noticed many of the techniques I taught myself to emulate a normal person are starting to fail, since I so rarely interact with others anymore. My meltdowns happen maybe once a week, and when they are happening, all I can think about is how worthless I am and how the world would be better off without me, while saying the most vile things I can to whomever triggered my emotional torrent, but when they're over, it's like they never happened (save for occasions where I say something horrible to my wife and feel guilty for days afterwards). Sometimes I get overwhelmed with mental exhaustion and fall asleep for large chunks of the day after a meltdown, which tends to also help me feel better. My wife suffers from PTSD from an abusive childhood, so even though she understands my meltdowns, sometimes she get's physically violent with me because her own conditions trigger, so it's something I've especially needed to keep in check as much as possible. We grew up together (I was way worse then and the Aspergers diagnoses didn't exist yet), and are inseparable even when these events happen, they even seem to bring us together after the dust settles. However, I know my meltdowns are a problem and I'm always finding ways to stop them before they happen, the most effective of which has been either physical affection before the fact like a hug, or to go someplace quiet to calm down. I was taking Celerex for awhile, which helped at first, but it dimished over time to the point the side effects weren't worth it anymore. Taking walks to my "private place" to read books on my smartphone is very therapeutic. It's hard for me to let a subject go, though, and sometimes I'll calm myself down in an argument where I'm freaking out over the semantics of something trivial, then for some reason bring it up again a few days later. Being neuroatypical is challenging in a world where many are unable to even understand what ASD or the spectrum even is, but with constant vigilance and self reflection, as well as never giving up searching for answers on how to cope with it, it's certainly not impossible to have thriving interpersonal relationships and a successful career.

    I personally believe that if someone knows another is an Aspie, and prone to emotional meltdowns if provocated, yet that person intentionally engages in words and behaviors that are triggering for the Aspie, then that's not the fault of the Aspie. That's like setting off fireworks near someone with shell shock and then blaming them for the fit they experience afterwards. Lion tamers learn to work with the lion, by knowing the lions nature, and don't deliberatly provoke the lion then complain when their face gets noshed. My wife often tells me she refuses to treat me differently knowing I'm an Aspie, but even with my attempts to control my meltdowns, they're nearly impossible to stop, and that piece of it isn't my fault (it's a bug, not a feature). Aspies, like someone with PTSD, have episodes based on stimulus, and no amount of mindfulness can stop that from happening. Being aware that it happens and taking steps to mitigate it is one of the most important things an Aspie can do for themselves, just like watching how neurotypical people commonly interact and learning to mimic those social behaviors, but don't hate yourself because the meltdowns don't stop completely (they won't, they're part of who you are and always will be). Just try to be the most functional Aspie you can, and find as many hobbies as you can as well to keep your clever mind occupied, and friends and family that love you despite the occasional inappropriate social response and notorious pricklyness that are the makeup of who many of we lovely Aspies are :)

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  49. Hi, I am 31 male with HFA/Aspergers. I'm in a relationship, where it was my partner who first indentified the disorder in me like 2 years ago. Although she knows the condition she often engages me in situations which cause meltdowns and laughs at me afterwards and mocks that I am a baby and not an adult man. Before I've met her I rarely had meltdowns, usually once every 3-5 months out of nowhere. Since I am with her i have meltdowns like 2-5 times a month. I admit often being thoughless and mindless, forgetting to compliment her or buy a small gift like flowers or something, but I try my best when I happen to remeber about it. Today we went for a town fair, while wondering around stalls she spotted a handbag she really liked, at the first monent at the stall I wanted to buy it for her, but I knew I didn't have enough money on me so I had to go further up to cash mashine. Externally to her I didn't react at all, and she felt upset. I asked her what is wrong and she told me that I'm cheap and thougless, that I should buy it for her as I saw she liked it. This moment I knew the meltdown is coming. It was an overwhelming frustration and helpless feeling that it doesn't matter what I say or try to explain that it was my intention to get it for her few minutes later as a surprise didn't work. She is always the one who thinks she deserves something now and mocks me if she is not getting what she had expected in her mind to happen. When i rage outburst I told her I was about to buy it anyway she said it's not true and just a convenient excuse. I had to find a quiet place where I cried thinking how poor my life is because of this condition and situations my girlfriend causes. The other time I had a plan for a New Years eve, where I booked a hotel, party and kept eveything secret, asking her to get an elegant dress and high heels, not explaining that this is just for a roleplay i Had in mind in private. Anyway, the plan was to keep eveything secret, keep her confused and make a surprise for her, but instead she kept drilling about this dress and heels and started this argue that I am not resonable to not tell her why i need those and after an argue after a meltdown I shouted every bit of a plan to her to just leave me alone and stop talking, but then she started again on how I could ruin it up for her and so on. She makes me happy and I love her, but I cannot work out if I would be better of letting her go, not being happy and not being frustrated because of her, just be myself. When it comes to argue I cannot protect myself, I cannot control, I cry despite being 30 years old, which is embarrassing, but she brings it up in argues and laughs at me. This causes enormous pain. I know she loves me and she is happy with me, but she has this attitude. Please help as I am a bit lost, whether being in relationship (with her) is worth those meltdowns and frustration at all.

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  50. I am high on the spectrum. My ex is antisocial (aka sociopath). I was abused emotionally and sexually by this man. Mocked, picked on, called auttie, made fun of for doing my weird things (rocking in a mall, hand flapping). He made me feel nuts because I could hear things he couldn't. All I ever wanted was to be understood and respected of my sensory issues. I melted down and hit him and I am now in legal trouble. He controlled my whole life. I thought he was guiding me. My red flag should have been when he said I was a "fixer upper", but I lacked the experience since I lived in my bedroom for 27 years. Suicide is not the answer. You think you're causing your loved ones pain now? Imagine the pain they would go through if you died suddenly. Please stay strong.

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  51. I'm a mother to a 21 yr old son with aspergers. Supposedly hf but I'm not really sure. I need help. He's at the point where he hasn't been on mess since 18, he's been hospitalized many times because he's violent with his outbursts but gets released and goes back to the same. He's even gone to jail for assault on me although it was really because the sheriff were tired of coming out and tried to teach him a lesson. He breaks things constantly and doesn't pay to fix it or the goes another fit. He won't see a doctor any more and he just throws fits for everything. I can't seem to place him in any care facility because they think he isn't in need but he's out of control and not getting any better and ending up in jail or hospitals that don't treat him anyway. He won't accept his disability neither so he won't attend any groups like this. I'm in so Cal and any help is appreciated!

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  52. I'm very happy I found this support site. I was dating an intelligent, handsome, and interesting man for about two years. When I first met him, I suspected he had Asperger's. The term, "meltdown," seems to be a kind of disparaging label, in some respects. In fact, my former boyfriend was unfortunately labeled with a psychiatric disorder (who knows if it was the right diagnosis 20+ years ago), and he was honorably discharged from the military as a result. This label has followed him for years and was of some professional consequence that he was not considered for an important position, so I did not approach him about my concern if he has Asperger's. Plus, I didn't want him to shut down.

    I continue to do the check-off list regarding signs and symptoms, only to help me understand and process through the highs and lows; the criticism/direct communication, the control, not feeling like I'd measure up to his expectations, his romantic and chivalrous side. He learned to relate to life events and people through comic book characters and movies. He's withdrawn now, mortified with life stress. He's all but stopped everything except maintaining the absolute necessities of what he needs to because he has responsibilities. He understands he needs to function as an adult; and I've heard how hard it was for him to work through his temper (yelling, punching out walls).

    I've observed his sensory preferences. He's overwhelmed with food choices and keeps it simple with textures and tastes that are pleasing to him. His colleagues tease him about this, and it's upsetting. He was bullied as a young boy. He needed to hold my hand a certain way. He could say some things so directly, and so piercing it could make me cry on the spot. He is a strict rule follower and is not shy about telling people when they are breaking the rules.

    I do love this man. He's witty and a wonderful writer. I suspect he'll come around and want to give dating another try. While tempting, I can't do it because of my personal experience with the cycle of letdown when he needs to keep it simple and alleviate stress. He is fun; we enjoyed his activities and I was okay with it because he is an active person. I could fit in my routine accordingly. But, when he needs his stress release and seems to do a 180, I am very hurt.

    His recent meltdown/withdrawal occurred when I disagreed with him. I shared with him some facts of a conversation we had (bad, I know) and he called me a court reporter. He withdrew from me for an entire week. Add other stress into this, and he needed to regain some control and he incrementally withdrew from many other areas (resigning from an important volunteer post, canceling our trips, for example), retreating into his home and into his movies. I attempted to reach out to hime twice in a weekend, and he told me it was over. To be honest, I was finally feeling like the tail was wagging the dog...not the other way around.

    I know relationships aren't all about perfection. But, when I feel like I'm 20% happy and 80% wondering what to expect because I'm walking on eggshells, I can make a decision that's right for me. Anyway, thank you all for sharing your experiences.

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  53. I just want to say I appreciate how open everyone has been in sharing their experiences. my heart breaks for some of you. My son is only 11 and he has been diagnosed as being on the mild spectrum of autism. He has meltdowns once every few months, but he has had 2 this past week and with him being almost 12 I googled "autistic meltdowns in adults". His worst meltdown ever was today where he almost threw himself down a flight of stairs. After reading all of your stories I just held him and cried. I told him I love him. I realize now how far out of his control the meltdowns are. I keep hoping the meltdowns will get better as he gets older but I see now that is probably not the case. I pray for him and all of you and hope that you all as well as him will keep the strength to go on and keep trying that's all that you can do.

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  54. Today, I was angry in the afternoon and also in the final of afternoon, I am an autist, please help me. I am in trouble today, my behavior as some rude behaviors that I had too but ameltdown that I have very problems with the comunication, I had a reacted grossly to the circomstance, it's serious.

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    1. 1) Work out what situation, or what past experience is triggering your anger.
      2) Try to rationalise why this trigger is making you more angry than usual, and why the other is not understanding you.
      3) If you are unable to rationalise the problem, try to distance yourself from it temporarily and find another solution to the problem later.
      4) If you can't distance yourself from the problem, find someone who can help you, who isn't part of the problem.
      5) If all else fails, remember that people without your dissbility are responsible to protect you from themselves. Ie. Don't blame yourself.

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  55. @PoeticLite: I have noticed the same thing. My son was diagnosed at age 16. I am glad I found this site, and there are a few others, but still it seems that the majority of the help is for children.
    My son has horrible meltdowns, and the police have been to our house on numerous occasions. My husband (his dad) refuses to ignore our son if he calls him (husband) names or criticizes him. Instead he gets angry with our son, which causes everything to escalate. Then when I try to calm things down they both ignore me. Eventually I end up having to call 911. My husband refuses to back down. My son is 26 and still living with us. He threatens suicide when he has meltdowns. Sometimes, when he and my husband get into it, I just want to leave... Maybe forever. However I love them both. Just don't know what to do.

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    1. Hello Nancy,

      Im sorry to hear about your situation. Im in a very bad place right now. Another horrible storm to weather (they seem never-ending) I believe Aspergers syndrome is such a terrible thing to live with; especially if background and family life have been less than peaceful (it was for me anyway) I wish I could make a suggestion for you. I need someone to listen to me and take me seriously; I thought being referred to a team of Asperger 'specialists' would just the thing I needed, but no, nothing; in fact the main psychologist guy blocked everyone of my requests for help and support with lame excuses 'the team is small'; 'email support isn't practical and may not be available at weekends if you had a crisis then'; 'the waiting list for talking therapy is several years'. So now, I feel even more alone and isolated. My physical health is crashing fast, as a result of many years of stress. All I can suggest to you, is, maybe look for something for you, to help boost your own energies and lift your spirit, to help you to keep persevering. Other than that, Im sorry Im out of answers all round :/

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  56. All i can say is just stay out of my way. Don't try to talk to me And don't walk, run as if your life is in danger. My shirt reads Danger Nuke on a timer.

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  57. I love how the article ends with "protect yourself from the mean scary aspie.
    Because just because I beg people over and over and over and over and over and over PLEASE DON"T DO THIS ONE THING they make it a point to do it anyway and then tell me how horrible I am because of what happens which is why I SAID not to do that thing.

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    1. The thing is -- and this is something I've learned via lots of painful experience -- is that the ONLY person responsible for my behavior is me. Blaming others for my actions will only hold me back.

      In the same vein, we have neither the right nor the power to control the behavior of other people, even when they are bugging us. It doesn't matter that they don't understand how much something might bother me. It doesn't matter at all that when I hear the sound of someone chewing food, I get irrationally angry. It doesn't matter that when the person next to me at work uses her stapler over and over again for extended periods, the relentless noise literally hurts my ears. None of that matters.

      Only they can control their behavior. We can try to influence their behavior toward us, sure. We can explain, we can ask for consideration -- but using our anger to push people into bowing to our wishes is manipulative and very possibly abusive. And then to top that by pointing fingers and saying, "You made me do this because you didn't do as I said," is simply wrong. It's immature, and I can do better than that. I must.

      What choice do I have? I'm all alone in the world. I don't have parents to fall back on. I've alienated myself from everyone in my family. Maybe I don't keep my house as clean as I could, and maybe I misplace things and wear my clothes backwards or inside-out sometimes. Maybe I don't wash my hair as often as I should. My executive function is clearly impaired. Is that an excuse that my landlord will accept if I miss rent? Nope. Will my dog starve any less if I don't provide food for him? No. Reality is what it is. The strain can feel so immense sometimes.

      So, I get no excuses in my behavior toward other people, either. I don't like it when hurtful things are said to me, so I must strive to avoid hurting other people with my words. Words can leave a permanent mark. The words I say to someone I care deeply for can ring for years in their mind. I know this because my mind still rings with hurtful things that have been said to me. It's important to be mindful of that.

      We have to take responsibility for our actions by working on developing a better set of coping mechanisms and developing a stronger sense of mindfulness. It is work. It's not easy. We will make mistakes just like everyone else. Learning to acknowledge those mistakes and admit fault, learning how to apologize for hurting the people we care about....it's important. I fuck up all the time.

      That's not to say that I don't melt down. I do. Maybe it's a personality thing for me, but I have a tendency to internalize it. I cry, I hit things (only my things, and only things - never people), and when I'm really upset, I might actually break things or hit myself. I guess maybe that's not good either. I don't know.

      I lurk on a lot of autistic community forums, and I see a lot of circle-jerking going on. There's a lot of people who try to excuse unacceptable behavior (pointing fingers and blaming those nasty, evil NT's), and it's simply not right. Sure, certain things may explain some of my behaviors, but that does not give me license to treat people however I see fit. Sometimes those places seem like echo chambers where they all just feed into each other's negative behaviors, just enabling each other, rather than actually trying to grow as people. I've faced some hard rejection from 'normal' people, been misunderstood, felt bullied by them. But the truth is that all of us are struggling through life, doing the best we can, but fucking it up all the time. That's life.

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  58. I'm 70 in a few months. I am very socially isolated and my rescue cat that I rescued over 2 years ago is (usually) my companion and looking after him provides
    me with some purpose to go on living. However he four days ago he began a nightly habit of flooding my bed and bedclothes with urine, and today - overwhelmed by the ruination of my bed, mattress, bed topper, sodden sheets and blankets, the stench
    which now pervades my bedroom, and somehow I will have to cope with sleeping on a very uncomfortable sofa in the meantime, get rid out all the ruined stuff somehow and replace it. Today I tried to wash the bed topper in my small shower (I don't have a bath) and now it is so heavy I can't even get it out of the shower (or use the shower). Someone is coming later today to help remove it. It has all been too much for me, overwhelming today and I had a massive meltdown. I can't cope with this level of stress, and my doctor refuses to give me tranquilisers (which I urgently need, I am suicidal) because he believes these crises should be addressed by mindfulness. Mindfulness has not worked for me and I can't go on much longer like this. I am now thinking of passive suicide as I have medical problems (very low immunity is one of them so I get pneumonia very easily each Winter) and when that happens this year, I am not going to seek antibiotics, because I would rather that it kills me. Passive suicide is the only solution left now and it is increasingly attractive. There is no support for senior aspergers women living alone - I contacted Autism NZ in 2015 and 2016 and they never even bothered to call me back. Their website says that they support the autism community but older people are invisible to them and none of their services even acknowledge our existence. We are the invisible autistics, and it seems that the status quo in the AS world wants us to remain out of sight, out of mind, I think we are just regarded as irrelevant old useless people who will hopefully die soon. I've had enough and earnestly hope I do die soon. Today would be a blessing. I give up, there is no support and nothing for me, I am a non person to support services, an irrelevancy. Sorry to rant and thanks for letting me do so. It's pretty much over for me, I can't go on much longer and there is no other escape route at this stage but death. Bring it on; I will make an effort to expose myself to people who have the flu because I catch it very easily and it always turns to pneumonia. No wonder they call pneumonia the old person's friend. It will be mine. Thanks for reading. Sorry for the rant though it really is that bad, I can't just go on living in this solitary hell with overwhelming problems. Fuck mindfulness, that was another final straw. Just asking for help was hard enough; to receive none left me with no other option but to plan a final act of will to end this living hell. I hope it is better for others and that time will offer more options for support, validation and understanding to others. I hope it gets better for everyone, but it won't in my lifetime. I feel a vague sense of relief that this journey is nearly over, as Winter is beginning in New Zealand. Bring it on.

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    1. I hope you got help quickly! I always turn to the internet when I am at the end of my rope. I can find information there that I can hyperanalyze to my heart's content. I can shop for most anything I need on Amazon.com and take as long as I like reading reviews to compare brands to get the most value and get insight to how a product will fit my needs (soft, durable, fits well, breaks easily, too rough,etc.) And if I don't like what I find I search some more, all from the comfort of my home and without judgemental eyes on me. I also find friends there that I never have to invite over physically, but can visit multiple times online. As for your cat, he is probably reaching sexual maturity and marking territory or he may have diabetes. The internet is a great source of info and help. I hope this helps.... Stay strong!

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  59. I am really struggling. My Asperger's meltdowns are not violent toward others, only to myself - repeated head banging and screaming and clutching at my hair. My mother does not get it. I am 30 years old. She is not my carer. I ask her to get away but instead it's threats, calling me a nutter, repeatedly hitting me in public and private and screaming at me to shut up. This has gone on since I was a small child. I am about ready to top myself over it. She does not and will not understand Asperger's, I have no other support systems. Nobody in my life can make her understand it's not me "being bad" or "losing my temper." I seriously can't help it. Help.

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    1. If you need someone to talk to who knows what it's like, don't hesitate to contact me :)

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  60. Still on the tail end of having a meltdown...over freaking onions (I hate them) of all things. It's not a pleasant experience...calming down takes me quite a while, and since my idiotic mother insists on yelling back at me, things can get very heated. Glad to say I have very seldom struck out physically...there was only once when she was right in my face and I warned her to move before pushing her out of my personal space. It's so freaking hard...I just can't control myself.

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  61. Hi all,

    Little late to the party, but here goes. Looking for some advice. My partner is 30, I am 24. After having an accident this year, he moved in with me. After hard work, I managed to keep him off the drugs and alcohol (used to be a substance abuser, and an alcoholic), He sometimes tends to go on a bender and drink at times, causing him to lash out, hit me with some real nasty words, also physically abusive.. he tends to smash stuff, and recently set a fire work off towards the flat. He decided to walk out on me on Friday, he has not been home since, but most of that is due to me, sticking to my guns because I ended up struggling with the abuse. Since then he has messaged me hundreds of times without reply, constantly telling me he loves me.. any advice? I've tried calming him, i've tried taking his mind off of things... I really don't know what else to do. We have tried a social worker, amongst other things.. I love him, but I really do not want to jeopardise mine or my dogs life. Many thanks :)

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    1. The best thing for. Him might be space when he needs it. Obv with a history of substance abuse this may pose difficult as you care for him and don't want to allow him to dog a deeper hole.

      When me and my wife argue die to. My condition I want to be left alone but I'm happy to talk on text messages. Just stick to facts and keep opinions to a minimum. Let him evaluate what has happened and he will soon calm and want to be back in your arms.

      All I ever want when I'm having a tough time from my wife is my back scratched like a dog and it takes away all the pain.

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  62. Wow. I am a 27 year old male who has always struggled in life by having 'run ins' with the wrong people or authority figures.

    I have just been diagnosed with ASD following a meltdown at work where I was being sworn at and told to to grow up by my manager in a private room with no witness other than another manager who is best friends with the other.

    I wrote a statement that was fully factual but to no surprise both managers have countered those facts with lies. I was scared and retreated to the corner or the room while crying uncontrollable before turning around and shouting at my manager. (this was after being insulted) I eventually got the courage to leave that room and run away.

    I was suspended and following a suicide attempt referred to a mental health specialist and diagnosed.

    I have a disciplinary hearing tomorrow and I'm up at 2am searching for something online that can help me 'get out of this'. I acted wrongly for a professional work place and at the time had no clinical diagnosis. I'm so scared of what's going to happen I can't switch off and everything seems hopeless.

    I have a loving wife and two children and have just purchased my first home but this still doesn't stop me obsessing over all the bad. I just hate bad people and liars it makes me so sick and 8 can't fathom why everyone can't just be nice to each other and honest. This thought frustrates me everyday as I watch people being hurtful or dishonest.

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  63. Trigger Warning: Autistic behavior

    Quinon Norwood IV
    403B South Natchez street
    Kosciusko, MS 39090
    December 14, 2017
    Email: noniuq@yahoo.com
    Text: 662-582-7855

    Dear
    Please help me and my family. I am a 43 year old disabled autistic father and homeowner that can no longer safely fulfill my duties. I have zero assistance from any source.

    I do not qualify. : SSD, VA, or anything.

    I need a diagnosis.

    Without a diagnosis I get zero and women and children and pets will suffer neglect and burdens. I have been struggling now 20 years with zero assistance.

    I need someone who can translate and communicate for me. Autism has me on the ropes and to add to it Intermittent explosive disorder, peripheral neuropathy, blindness, deafness, inability to sit, extreme sensitivity to heat, assistive devices( that I have to create), extreme fear and panic, and chronic infections that have been neglected and have reached my brain.

    I cannot make another summer in Mississippi’s heat. Need to relocate to Colorado. Assistance needed.

    I can still do some things but my mind is fading and I am becoming more incompetent and motor skills clumsy. If I do not get help soon, I will die.

    I understand that my place in society and I have failed. I am willing to euthanasia myself if it helps. Maybe relocate me west of the MS river onto a reservation would be considered.

    I would be remiss if I did not beg one last time!

    Please help us! Please put us next! Please help soon!
    Thank You Desperately,
    Quinon Norwood IV
    PFC
    542-90-5839

    Q4/17
    12/14

    cc: Donald Trump(presidentUSA), Bennie Thompson(CongRepresentitive2), Thad Cochran(Senator), Roger Wicker(Senator), Barbara Blackmon(Senator21), Jason White (Representative48), Phil Bryant (Gov), Tate Reeves (Lt. Gov), Jim Hood (Att. Gen), Robin Meade(cnn), Tucker Carson(fox),…

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    1. This breaks my heart. I’m sorry that we don’t have better services available to you. I’m at a loss for where to turn, too... I hope you find support and can connect to the reasons to keep living.

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  64. So I was just recently diagnosed with Aspergers in February, and I’ve been suffering a great deal of pain not only inflicted by society, but my own Mother as well. I’ve only successfully completed 3 autism therapies so far, and my mom keeps nagging me. I’m 24, and I was servely mentally and physically abused by her growing up. Remembering traumatic events as early as 3 years old. She’s gotten better, but will still get in my face. I’ve tried educating her on my safe zone and respecting me and teaching her about meltdowns, but somewhere she’s starts to doubt my therapy working, and makes me feel at fault for having a meltdown. She says I was being mean to her, and I love my mom. Truly love her, and it breaks me every time this happens. I was badly bullied as a kid growing up. So it’s always been so hard to not understand why I did not fit in, or why kids were so mean. I just want to be happy, yet I don’t view that possible. And I was misdiagnosed with different conditions over the course of the last several years. On all types of medicine that did not work. It was stressful. I was sick a lot. I want to live, but I still to this moment don’t feel like I belong here. And I know I do, but society doesn’t make that all so apparent. And it’s heartbreaking. It’s truly heartbreaking.

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  65. After being with someone who I believe has Aspergers for the past 7 years. No matter how you put it, it is difficult for both parties involved. The constant misunderstandings, him only hearing what he thinks he is hearing, him believing that I am attacking him. Me being physically attacked and being thrown out of the house.
    A few years ago I did say to him that it could be possible that he has Aspergers and was hoping that we could work on solutions without the blame and move forward. I didn't tell him to get a diagnosis but believed that with us both educating ourselves and working on solutions could make all the difference. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out that way. He decided that he didn't want a relationship with me because he is too set in his ways and only wanted me for sex....From my experience I can say that nothing works unless people are committed regardless of who you are NT or Aspergers. And NTs expperience fear guilt shame mental illness you name it we feel it. If and I say IF I had of known my partner had Aspergers then things between us would have been different but because I,m nota mindreader or psychic it took me 5 years before it occurred to me. But with him being in his late 50s then he just isn't going to try. So sadly for me and believe me I had no choice as I had already been badly beaten up by him before I realized he had Aspergers. That I put a restraining order on him for both our sakes. It became a safety issue. I was being physically thrown out of the house on a regular basis and seeing that I have had 2 heart operations and I,m in my 50s then he needs to find some other way of dealing with his stress as I can't continue being his punching bag.

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  66. I was with a man who I now believe has Aspergers. It was incredibly confusing. If and I say IF I had of known that he had Aspergers when we met then things would have been completely different between us. But you don't know what you don't know. His ways are his ways and he doesn't know any different. My ways are my ways and I don't

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  67. I was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder when I was 10.
    It was something I hid from/denied for several years until recently
    I started to wonder if the frequent disruptions in my life (job loss,
    financial instability etc) was the result of my Autism.

    I suffer from this "meltdowns" from time to time for example I have
    destroyed several phones and walked out of several jobs. I see a
    Psychologist frequently and I have learned some coping strategies
    to limit this stress but I feel I have more work to do and would
    certainly be interested in CBT.

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  68. Being HFA and being with an NT partner means meltdowns will occur for me.
    Whilst HFA is a pain, so is being NT. I don't think they are aware of their own behaviour yet an Aspie must constantly monitor it.
    Yes we lose it, and often with great cost to ourselves.

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  69. Melt Downs--- I purchased shirts for my then partner. I did not know he did not like collar shirts. His 3 year old son was learning to try new things. I brought the shirts home. His father saw the collar and yelled "I do not like collar's on my shirts, you know that," and threw the shirts down the hall. Then pronounced "you can take those back." I told him, "no he can take them back and exchange them if he did not like them, I was trying to be helpful and was sorry he did not like the collar, I did not know." As a mom of a 3 year old, in that moment in time I remember thinking--- I am sandwiched between a toddler learning to appropriately express emotions and a grown man that has melt downs and does not own when he does not appropriately deal with emotions. The melt downs usually were pinned on me. People could not believe that this mild manner man that worked as a programmer was not the same at home. For a long time I thought the melt downs were my fault as he told me I was at fault for them.

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