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Resentment in the Neurotypical Wife

Comment:

I've been married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any better. I've grown to utterly despise him, and then, of course, hate myself for despising him because he ‘can't help it’. I know this sounds terribly resentful on my part. But my advice to all women neurotypicals married to Aspies: It does NOT get better - it gets worse! Get out early while you can have a life. You're not doing anyone any favors - your Aspie husband and not yourself. You will end up regretting not having a life. Let your Aspie husband find an Aspie wife. You find a neurotypical husband. Living with an Aspie husband is living with an abusive husband. Period. Do you want to be a victim of abuse? Get out early.

Response:

You’re right! This does sound terribly resentful on your part. But, if you’re being honest (and it sounds like you are), then you’re entitled to feel what you feel. And I’m sorry to hear that it has come to this point where you are so deeply hurt – perhaps beyond repair. So, rather than defend your Asperger’s husband, I would simply like to validate what you have said and what you have been feeling.

If you find that some people are critical of you for saying what you said here, and for feeling the way you do now, then they haven’t been through a similar challenge – they have no frame of reference and truly do not understand your pressures. They can’t imagine being in your situation. As a result, they may tend to minimize your predicament, asserting that the problem is your attitude and resentment-level rather than your husband’s "hurtful" behavior (which may very well be unintentional on his part – after all, he still has a “disorder”).

If you've repeatedly confronted your Asperger’s husband about his behavior and things haven't improved, you need to draw a line to accept that you've done as much as you possibly could to improve relations with him. There's no more thought that you need to give to the situation. Don't overanalyze your behavior or his. He may truly WANT to “change,” but may be unable to meet your needs due to his disorder. So, move on with your life and restore your sanity. Stop beating up on yourself for feeling the way you do. In this way, I believe you will be able to heal and let go of resentment.

Let me share what one neurotypical wife said about how to cope with an Asperger's husband (who at one time was feeling similar to how you feel now):

“I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is my life in a nutshell. One thing that helps me is to write my thoughts and feelings down, then have him read them. This gives me time to calm down and think about how I want to say something. Also, you need to give logical reasons for things, at least I do. For example: 

'I need you to take out the trash because I'm cooking dinner' ... 'It upsets me when you ignore me for video games because it makes me feel like you'd rather play games than be married to me. I'm asking for help because I can't do everything myself' ... 'You cook, I clean. This is our agreement' ... 'You can't be around chemicals, so you have to sweep, vacuum, and do the laundry.' 

Getting emotional usually frustrates and/or shuts my husband down. Once I learned to take a step back, breathe, and think of a reasonable argument in a calm, low tone, things got SO much better. I'm a hot-tempered Texan, so it's not 100%. Ask him what he needs. That really changed my relationship. Also, try reading "Five Love Languages". There's a quiz you can both take that will tell you your love language, which was crazy eye-opening for me and my husband.”

There's always hope. Please remember that :) 

Best of luck!

Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

46 comments:

  1. I'm living this. Twenty-eight miserable years of marriage.

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  2. I so agree with above. I have a 22 year old Aspie son who has been sucking the live out of me and my marriage for the last 15 years. "Normal" child and teen meltdowns have escalated into full blown assaults on me and my husband leaving us with broken bones and bruises. I hate my situation and I wish I could just walk away and leave the constant yelling, verbal abuse and unfair demands behind. We had to call in the police last week after he kicked down two doors, trashed his bathroom and knocked out two big windows. My advise to you is to get out while you can ..... life is not meant to lived like this.

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  3. If the person is so bad, why did they marry them in the first place? It's not like aspergers switches on after marriage.

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    1. Asperger spouse have learned how to mask their condition all of their lives. My husband was totally different before our marriage and soon after we got married he suddenly started to live on his computer and was and still is obsessed with social groups, interest groups, and chats. He even fooled the therapist we went to because he is an extremely intelligent man. No aspergers does not switch on after marriage but a smart aspie can mask his/her condition to get what they want.

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    2. Not to mention it does get worse with stress. Once you're married and have bills, mortgage and children it becomes far too much for a lot of Aspies to handle

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    3. I am a 51-year-old Aspie. I was able to mask the condition for years. It was not an intentional thing, my wife and I were so busy with going to school and careers and raising for children that the condition masked itself. It wasn't until two of our children were out of the house that the condition really started to reveal itself. We were not as busy so we had more time interacting with each other which caused a lot of stress and anxiety in our marriage . Also, at the same time I had a lot of stress and anxiety in my work so when I came home I basically hid in another room away from my wife and children.



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  4. Really people? As one with aspergers let me say... Stop your whining. Do what you need to do but don't blame your partner. He or she didn't kidnap you (I hope). And get out. Get a life. Get a job or a lover or whatever. I've dealt with neurotypicals so long and frankly you guys sure like to whine. Your spouse with aspergers probably will not miss you much and your leaving will allow them a chance to find the right person. Shesh. Get a life.

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    1. Perhaps, but we make statements such as yours that are highly inflammatory and offensive to NTs

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    2. Well coming from a woman who has been with a man with Asperger's for 30 years 20 of those married always knew something was off and thought it was his rough upbringing but loved him despite all of this he had a meltdown today and that's why I've been reading through these posts but I agree the grass is not always greener on the other side being with an aspie I know I am his everything and I know that he doesn't mean it when he says mean things think can't control his temper he has never been physical with me but if he ever was I would have walked out the door so I think we all choose our beds there are plenty of non aspy husbands out there that can make your life miserable as well... I won't give up on my husband or my marriage.I think you shouldn't blame all your marital issues on asbergers... sometimes they are just what they are marriage is hard no matter who you are

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    3. Hi Lisa
      I will comment on your thoughts in the next few days. But for a start the difficulty or A difficulty is that I forget the reason for her behaviour when an incident happens----at the time it just feels like unintelligent rude anti social behaviour-----then I realise she can't help it--doesn't even know it is unacceptable to others

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  5. As a wife to an Aspie, I don't agree at all with your advice of getting out while you can. My relationship with my husband is unique, fun, filled with laughter and incredibly deep love. I am a therapist, and my husband has given me so many gifts as I have him. He's taught me to see things less emotionally and more logically. He's taught me to be more self-reliant. He has taught me to communicate directly instead of playing games. He has even taught me to laugh again (and we laugh daily!).

    Our marriage hasn't been easy, but, for someone who was married to a NT before, I can say that I have grown in so many incredible ways because of my Aspie husband. My husband isn't like most men, and, for that, I am extremely grateful. I see marriage as a place where two people can grow emotionally and spiritually. The issues that my husband triggers in me are issues that are good for me to work on. As I know from my own psychotherapy practice, it is important to take care of yourself and to be mindful of your thoughts- they create your interpretation of your reality.

    Good luck and I hope you find peace within yourself.

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    1. What beautiful sentiments. I whole heartedly agree. I've been blessed with a beautiful friend who has enriched my life. He has challenged my thinking and understanding of our so called 'norms' resulting in me being more logical and less emotional. I adore the man and I wouldn't want him to change who he is for the world.

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  6. I can only speak to my experience and my relationship with my soon to be ex-Aspie husband. I completely understand the frustration of the person above. In my case, my marriage got worse and that is why I am deciding to leave the marriage after 10 years. While there are many positive qualities that I enjoyed about my husband, the negatives completely overshadowed those positive qualities and it was no longer enough to keep me in the marriage. In my case, I entered into a marriage with my husband wanting us both to be in a partnership where we make sure that the other's person's needs are being met and continually working towards meeting those needs as we grow. In my relationship, I came to the realization that I met his needs, because I had to clean up a lot of problems, but he did not fulfill my needs...and maybe because it simply couldn't, not that he wouldn't. In the end, I decided for myself that this is not the type of marriage for me and I want a partnership, something I cannot get in my current relationship. There are others that would be happy in type of relationship. For my soon to be ex's sake, I hope that he finds that person. I firmly believe that while marriage is hard and will come with problems, I had to jump out the moment that I knew that the marriage was doomed for eternity.

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    1. What most of you do not understand is that you are vainly looking for the Asperger to change. That will never happen, they see nothing to change. They see all as black and white. Not black or white. There is no right or wrong, good nor bad, there are no grey areas. It just IS
      They do not understand the meaning of OPINION. Opinion is a position taken not necessarily on proven facts. To them everything is FACT. Thus they cannot understand why we something that is to them and obvious lie. The hard part is that because all is black and white the rest of us are always lying and they cannot let a lie (an opinion) go so they criticise and criticise and here is the rub they don't see it as criticism just telling it as is. Worse part is they ALWAYS HAVE TO TELL IT AS IT IS CANT HOLD BACK. RUN AWAY

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    2. You're right. We are like that. ^

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  7. I agree with Barbara's comment and she's right just leave and don't worry because you won't be missed, their might be a meltdown to follow soon after bringing up the breakup of it's suddenly mentioned perhaps but he'll get thru it and move on from you and you'll just be another experience of his in life, something to learn from so that he doesn't have to run into the likes of another NT like you, it makes me a little irritated to see people like that woman who gets with a man and when the man gets diagnosed with Aspergers the woman uses it to walk away from the relationship.....I say she's the cause for the breakup and not the Aspie #AspergersAcceptanceAndAcceptance

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  8. As I wrote above the large insurmountable problem is that you see every thing as BLACK AND WHITE. You show that in your writing above you can't see the woman's difficulty you just see her reaction/ behaviour as " I don't understand her behaviour"
    Hasten to add it not the ASPIES problem (your choice of what I see as awful word) because the Aspie can see no problem no right or wrong way of treating people. ( in an ideal world there would be no right wrong good bad of course) but the ASPIES partner has lived a life acquiring that there is a right way and a wrong way. And doesn't understand that you don't. She sees grey and technicolor and sees both the black or the White
    Suggestion if you have read this far
    Next time your intimate other gets upset with you and you don't understand it ask "have I done something that has led to you feeling upset?
    It won't stop you doing it next time but if each time you asked and listened there might be a pause in hostility

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  9. What do you mean by "he has sucked the life from me"? The thought that enters my head is Judith from Two and a Half Men who said that about her ex-husband Alan. The character that Marin Hinkle played was a horrible human being, she would oscillate from an excessively needy wreck to a very cruel bitch, and this is the type of person that is entering my head about a comment like that.

    Are you expecting marriage to be a story from a romance novel or an ethically transformative institution? The person who has this right is MrsRudzo, lets read her comments

    " I am a therapist, and my husband has given me so many gifts as I have him. He's taught me to see things less emotionally and more logically. He's taught me to be more self-reliant. He has taught me to communicate directly instead of playing games. He has even taught me to laugh again (and we laugh daily!)."

    She has become a more virtuous person through her relationship, she has acquired qualities of being more logical, more self-reliant, more direct in her language, and probably other qualities as well. She saw these virtues in her husband, and allowed herself to be transformed by them. I am sure that it is reciprocal, considering the insight and understanding in what she wrote.

    Just take this comment
    "“I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is my life in a nutshell. One thing that helps me is to write my thoughts and feelings down, then have him read them. This gives me time to calm down and think about how I want to say something. Also, you need to give logical reasons for things, at least I do. For example:"

    Is being a rational person such a burden, is giving reasons for something you feel strongly about such a burden? The reality is that we are very rational and very honest. If you have a problem, you can be direct in your speech, and if you have truly reflected on the situation, and believe that you are in the right, you will find no more receptive person to an honest presentation of your moral problem with them than someone with Aspergers. The difference is that we are less receptive to feelings than most people, and with good reason. If you feel bad, and you are in the wrong, and you express excessive emotion, that does not suddenly make your position right. If just makes you an emotional bully.

    But in all fairness to the person who I previously quoted, she did say this
    "Getting emotional usually frustrates and/or shuts my husband down. Once I learned to take a step back, breathe, and think of a reasonable argument in a calm, low tone, things got SO much better. I'm a hot-tempered Texan, so it's not 100%."

    You are now a more reflective and logical person, this might have been a struggle, but you are a better person. Again, marriage should be to ethically transform you to a better person.

    The question this all boils down to is, What do you think the relationship between a husband and wife should be?
    I would probably take a little of Aristotle in that it is based upon virtue, erotic love, and mutual affection, and it must progress to a relationship of virtue.

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    2. I am a 51-year-old ASPI. I was diagnosed in January 2014. I have been married for almost 28 years. When my wife and I were going to marriage counseling last Spring she asked the therapist if I can change my behaviors and he said "I don't know ". My wife felt stunned because for the past 27 years of marriage my wife thought that all my idiosyncrasies were just bumps in the road. My lack of empathy, lack of social skills, lack of intimacy and difficulty in communication were not things that I would just work through. My wife has accused me of abuse which I still am confused on. I have never cheated, used illegal drugs or had even a beer in my life. I have never been abusive physically, sexually, verbally or mentally. Therefore I don't really know where that comes from. She has also accused me of lieing by years of saying when she asked my why I did or said certain things that didn't make sense to her "I was just kidding " rather than a more honest answer of "I don't know why I did that or said that ". I guess that was a defense mechanism. I knew in my mind I didn't think like the normal person but didn't have an answer to why. My whole life I wanted to just be normal and have a normal life. I got married because that is what normal people do. We had four children because that's what normal people do. I went to college and I became a school teacher and taught for 20 years even though it was the worst job for me. Most of my time teaching was hell. I had high anxiety, depression and even a mental breakdown but I didn't lead on to really how difficult it was for me for years because I had to earn money to provide for my family. I trudged through until my anxiety and depression were effecting my mental state. I was on meds for anxiety and depression and was getting little sleep yet I pushed on because I had to. Once I was diagnosed I was forced into disability retirement. All this has led to my present state. Because of it all my wife has had enough and is worn out of what she calls the "circus" or "Luney bin " which is life living with an aspergar husband. I was told by my wife this past Spring that when our youngest graduates from high school in five years we will live in separate homes. She doesn't want to divorce because she doesn't want to divide our retirement. I am not angry, if I could leave now I would but I don't want this all to hurt my children still at home. I am exhausted with trying to be what society calls normal. My wife has told me our marriage is over but she doesn't hate me. We don't go out with friends anymore because my wife is afraid of what I will say or do. She doesn't want to drive with me for anything longer than 20 minutes because she gets frustrated with my communication. Hopefully when I move out we can both find happiness. So much for standing by each other through good times and bad. I'm not sure though that it would be better with an Aspie wife.

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  11. Hello Kerri if you are still reading. And Hello to anyone who recalls Kerri's comments. It is unfortunate Kerri that you removed your comment. It was by far the best, most accurate understanding and description of Aspergers within a relationship. I regret not photocopying it. Please put it back on.
    I TRIED TO POST A COMMENT A FEW DAYS BEFORE KERRI'S POST THAT WAS APPARENTLY DEEMED UNSUITABLE. MY COMMENT ATTEMPTED TO ADDRESS THE CAUSE OF OF ASPERGES, CAUSES ARE LARGELY IGNORED BY ALLEGED EXPERTS. KERRI AND SOME OTHERS WOULD HAVE GAINED SOME COMFORT OR UNDERSTANDING.
    Kerri accurately points out that he experienced himself as normal before diagnosis and after diagnosis. His wife never experienced him as normal and upon understanding 2 years ago that his behaviour towards her would never improve wants out. I hasten to add that for her own sake she is best to leave immediately. His behaviour to her will not improve---THE POINT MOST OF YOU MISS IS THAT FROM HIS VIEW OF THE WORLD THERE IS NOTHING TO IMPROVE. IT IS ALL BLACK AND WHITE. HE DOES NOT FEEL EMPATHY, HUMOUR, LOVE SOFTNESS ETC AND VERY STRONLGLY UNLIKE US HAH HAH 'NORMAL' PEOPLE CANT FAKE IT.
    The aspiie does not even see his/her partner's behaviour as wrong---there is no right or wrong, good or bad----they just do not understand why WE do and say things---such as double meanings---when clearly the event the Aspie views is not like that--why do we lie. If Kerri and other Aspies get to read this---let me have an educated guess, From your early years---diagnosed or not, almost every happening no matter how trivial has felt like you are being attacked in some way. Some sort of fear when in others company even as children, If this gets published and that is near how you felt/feel most of your life. Comment and I will explain that's connection to asper that the experts have never addressed. I guess also this will not be published. PS MANY PEOPLE ARE NEVER DIAGNOSED---ENTIRE GENERATIONS OF A FAMILY. GIRLS LESS LIKELY TO BE DIAGNOSED THAN MEN ARE.

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    1. I have been faking things for years. I wanted to appear normal even though in my heart I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't attach my abnormality to anything. When my wife and I were intimate I felt like I was on another planet. I was relying on what I read in books or seen in movies. When I was teaching I tried to mimic other teachers and was confused when I didn't get the same results. Even as a father I tried to do what I thought the model father would do like take the kids to ball games and play catch. There is never any emotion involved, I was just following a script. I still take my kids to ball games and play catch because my father was MIA when it came to that stuff. His only idea of spending time was yard work. However as far as intimacy goes there came a point where I just couldn't fake that anymore and I was exhausted from the anxiety I felt every night.

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  12. I deleted my original comment because I used the audio dictation on my phone to reply and the message came out horribly. Therefore I deleted it and re-typed my reply. Hopefully it will be approved.

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  13. Hi all. I was wondering how someone like myself can help my husband who was recently diagnosed. The clinicians stated that they had never met anyone like him. He's been saying that for years. He just wishes he could find someone like him to talk to. He's incredibly intelligent. He will get fixated on a subject and become an expert in a short amount of time. The problem is he can't find others that he can converse with. I'm no help as I really don't have any interest in physics and maths like he does. I'm trying my best to give him his space, etc. Can anyone direct me to any sort of help for him? I am new to all of this.

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  14. Kerri, you and my husband are the same age. He was also a teacher. Maybe the two of you could connect.

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    1. That might be a good idea. My wife has told me several times I need to get friends and I tell her that's difficult because nobody gets me.

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    2. Hello Kerri and Melissa
      I feel a sadness for all Asperges and family.
      I do understand the frustration and ongoing analysis and attempts to 'FIX' the Aspergers.
      Even when aware that the behaviour we. experience/ suffer is because of their 'everything is black and white' view of the world --and there is rarely ill intent -- the behaviour is often so obnoxious ( compared with most 'USUAL' behaviour) that we find ourself in disbelief mortified desperate. Minutes hours later we can recognise it is the Aspergers and let go of it until the next time.
      And yes Kerri's wife it is infix able because there is nothing to fix.
      EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANET HAS A DIFFERENT VIEW OF THE WORLD BUT CULTURES BRING SIMILARITY SO THAT WE CAN DISAGREE WITH OTHERS BUT MOSTLY UNDERSTAND THEIR CULTURAL/ religious THINKING.
      There is no cultural usual/norm with Aspergers and there is no Asperges group thinking
      Unfortunately Kerri and Mellissa' s husband would not 'hit it off with another Asperges because of Asperges you would still not understand each other even if you were mirror images
      You would most certainly find each other awful
      Families of Asperges ( undiagnosed) are appalled by each other's behaviour without seeing that their behaviour is identical

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  15. PS
    Aspergers is often hereditary. I have observed a family involving 3 generations --not diagnosed. If it is 'picked-up' in the early years. Still not curable but I believe that a particular type of parental attitude may help the child understand and adjust a degree of behaviour. A parent who is Asp could probably not but the other parent may. I would still like to hear from those who felt afraid of many things from early memory and still do feel afraid. I don't mean 'run-away' afraid more feeling attacked, put upon.

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    1. What I think is the worst is when you are raised by 2 parents on the spectrum or 2 parents with severe mental health issues. Your childhood is anything but "normal". Then you suffer for years and have an extremely difficult time relating to anyone because the 2 people you trusted to love you and guide you through life let you down on top of being Aspergers. You expect the same from everyone else. Just my 2 cents on that.

      Overall, I think your comments have been great :)

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    2. I truly believe my father is on the spectrum. I don't know about my mother, however my parents just swept things under the rug. My dad was pretty absentee unless it came to working in the yard. We never did any of those things that I always thought was a father and son thing. He never went to my sporting events or played ball or took me to the movies or ball games. My mother however was the one that wanted to ignore the real issues. When I asked my mother years later about if she knew that I was having accidents at middle school and she told me yes. I asked her why didn't you say anything? She told me why would I want to embarrass you more than you already were. I got no support and no help even though my parents admitted that I was not a normal child. Even to this day they don't like to talk about uncomfortable things from my childhood. So, even though Aspergers was not known back then in the 70s and 80s my dad was a psychologist and still gave me no help. One day he said to me you're never going to find another girl to put up with your idiosyncrasies. So to this day I hold a lot of resentment because I went through years of hell in school and I got no help. I went to my mother once and told her not to say anything and the first thing she does is starts talking to my younger brother about the issues. There was no sense of confidentiality or protection.

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  16. On Saturday I went to a support group associated with the Orange County Aspergers Support Group. The focus was communication. Someone brought up denial because that's what we aspies do is deny. We deny because we spend so much time trying to masquerade as being normal that we are afraid if we admit things than our cover is blown. I have a very difficult time admitting when I am wrong or at fault. I automatically try to shift the blame. My wife will tell me that people know I'm not normal and then I begin wondering "How do they know when I have been trying so hard at putting on this act of appearing to be normal. Admitting faults feels like I am making myself vulnerable to losing respect and it is a struggle everyday. We aspies have to be comfortable in our own skin which for me is only when I'm around other aspies.

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  17. My wife often accuses me of being immature. I of course deny that and insist that because I have done adult things in my life i.e., graduated from college, have children, 20 years teaching, I can't be immature yet my behaviors at times show something different. Like when I was a teenager I like to listen to classic rock loud and with the window down in my car. I am very nostalgic when it comes to my music and movies I watched as a teenager. Friends I had back in the day have not put as much importance as the years have gone by in those sort of things. There are other things like careers and family that have become more important. However, sometimes it seems as though I am stuck in a 1980's time capsule. I long for those days of carefree life. Although there things about my youth that I try to forget. From elementary school through high school I was bullied. From my early age I suffered from Tourette Syndrome. I didn't know why I ticked but I did so on top of feeling like I was not bright I also had very low self confidence. I remember about nine years old being tripped by an older student into a large puddle. In middle school I was constantly bullied. I hated school and hated attention. I recall when I was about 14 years old and needing to use the bathroom. I didn't want the attention of asking the teacher and didn't like going into the bathrooms at the school. Therefore, several times I would have accidents. I remember leaving puddles of urine on my desk seat. After school I immediately ran home. I would rub dirt on my pants to cover up my accident. In high school I was frequently bullied so much so that I wanted to graduate early. I went to college and began teaching. Years ago I was bullied by one of my co-workers. I felt like I was back I high school. I was afraid to say something because I was afraid of looking weak. While teaching middle school I was bullied by my students. Textbooks were torn up and pranks occurred in my classroom that I was not catching, it was HELL.

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  18. Kerri, I'm so sorry to hear your story. That's awful. The first time I was bullied was at a job in another country. It was really something no one should ever have to face. I am also sad to hear about your relationship. I hope that you find happiness without her. The author of this book writes to Aspies as well as NTs, and life doesn't end with separation. However, I think you should consider divorcing her, not just separating. It prevents you from starting over clean. She can work, and she will get some separation money, but if you don't divorce, and you will not live together again, it sounds like she bullying you, too. She wants her cake and to eat it, too.
    I am not normal... but there is no name for what I have, or I haven't found it yet. However, I have spent ten years in my relationship with my Aspie husband. I was on the verge of breaking up with him when I started really reading all the good stuff on the internet about it. This website in particular is excellent, and the price for the e-book is so reasonable. It makes me know that Counselor Hutton is not in it for the money. After all, one counseling session is more than 4times the amount on average. I recommend that you download the e-book, like me. After all, what have you got to lose? It's less than a dinner at most places, and might help you in understanding a very difficult situation.

    My relationship is the typical NT-Aspie one, so far. I hope it can change with this program. I have gone through all the stages of grief that he talked about, and my DH seems oblivious to any issues I might have. In the beginning, for the first two years, our relationship was very passionate and he was kind of attentive. But as the years have passed, it has become less like a marriage and more like living with a roommate. He seems extremely selfish to me. He is always at work or on the computer, or doing what he wants to do. I often feel alone, and our intimacy is zilch. I have set a limit of three months, and in that case I will give him the divorce papers. I have to constantly ask for hugs and kisses, or days go by with no touch at all. I am extremely affectionate and loving, and this is very painful to me, but he seems clueless. Also, he refuses to get tested, and will read nothing about it, and refuses to go to counseling. However, reading about his issues has helped me understand him better. Despite this, if this book system doesn't improve the situation, I am only 40, and I want a fulfilling life, not one of loneliness. If things don't change, I will probably be one of the 80%, because I believe that I deserve to be loved and have my needs met as well. This situation is far too one-sided,and I put in a lot more to the relationship than he does.

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    1. Hi Sofia, Kerri, Melissa and new and former readers.
      Yes this site is of use in various ways. Even if just to express frustration, hope, confusion, to strangers who undoubtably have 'GOOD-WILL' to fellow 'sufferers'. (Both beings in the relationship --and often extended family).
      I note two of you recently and others prior use the term NORMAL/NOT NORMAL. The clear assumption the Asperg is not normal and we others are normal. My observation and experience is that Obnoxious is a better description. BUT that is my 'FEELING' when stunned by the Asper's incredulous behaviour.
      Removed from it a while some times seconds, minutes ---mostly hours, I can get it back to where I can see it was her black and white view of an event----which unfortunately for we 'normals' is they see it, do it, think it, say it----No empathy, no understanding of hurting others feelings. THE THING TO KEEP GRASPING AND THESE RAMBLES HELP IS THE ASPER IS NORMAL----Normal to self.
      The ASPER just can't understand why we do or say things, or laugh or smile or say I love you--or perhaps reach intimate heights or get carried away.
      The import to believe eventually is that neither partner is a villain ---deliberately. BUT THERE IS NO CURE--STOP LOOKING---THERE IS NO CURE BECAUSE THERE IS NO ILLNESS/DISEASE IT JUST IS THEY JUST ARE.
      Certainly leave if finances allow---not out of anger but self preservation.
      I have never seen anyone on this site mention their children being asperge? The non -asperg would be wise to look for that. Still no cure but a chance to help moderate behaviour in first seven years.
      I do think there is a substance --used for other behaviour that may make a significant to a child. But the parent has the opportunity to influence because they can identify unusual unsocial behaviour---Asper adults see nothing to self-alter.
      Hutton and others do not discuss nor understand what causes Asp ---there is a reason.

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  19. What is the e-book you were referring to? You situation sounds like a carbon copy of mine except my wife is the one wanting the affection. She told me last week we were more like friends than husband and wife. Throughout our marriage I would have to remind myself to hug and kiss her. Our intimacy felt very awkward. We never connected emotionally. She tells me that she is starving for affection so when I was affectionate it was more like I was doing it to make her happy and not because I wanted to. I was also following my fathers model. He would kiss my mother before he left for work and when he got home. I thought "That's what good husbands do". It wasn't because I felt this emotional need to show effection to my wife. Maybe we will divorce eventually but right now I have two teenagers at home and because of witnessing how difficult living between two households is on children we don't want to put our children through that. In five years my youngest will be gone so I will wait until then to leave.

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    1. To Unknown. Your sadness is personal but I do understand how severe and overwhelming.
      You have another aspect to learn and a horror is each new discovery appears incredulous.
      Your spouse nor any other Aspie did not mask his Aspergers from you. He cannot he would have to admit that there was something wrong with self to do that There is nothing wrong his thinking is clear. He would have to empathise with himself to attempt behaviour that gets his own way. He can't THINK empathy for self or you,
      His Aspergers was there all the time for you to see. He would have been afraid of most events most of his life
      Like all of us when in fear immediate reaction is fight or flight or hide
      Your aspie's prime reaction was obviously not fight but flight and certainly hide. He simply hid. Not from you if it helps but from the scare. The computer thing eventuated as a convenient place to hide. When fellow sufferers on this great site say a partner has a melt down it is not a melt down but the primal brain deciding to fight
      With words action and yes violent
      The Aspie doesn't chsnge but a sudden or long build up of fear brings fight fight not hide
      I believe or hope there is s way of aiding children under 7 with this
      But it's never been written up if even thought about property
      Hope it helps The hard near impossible part is to believe they actually think the way they do
      Surely he/ she will understand their affect on us. Nope lack of empathy is total
      He masked nothing he cannot

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    2. Hi Kerri. You have the one who has 'survived' all that. So forgive my intended goodwill comment if it is totally not how you now see it. Not how you remember it but may now see it.
      Firstly and secondly you did not mask your 'condition' from your wife as you wrote previuosly. It is impossible to mask. If your wife is still willing to discuss it ask her. She was probably 'masking' her reaction---hoping your behaviour( she would see it as behaviour you didnt) would change/improve.
      You obviously kept much of your 'reaction' ( to her your behaviour) away from her by doing one of the 3 'fear reactions' HIDE'. Not from her but from the fear. ( Fear takes many forms and there are only 2 emotions love and fear)
      Spasmodically you bolted from the fear or stood and fought --lashed out in various ways. Your wife would have experienced that and you still would not have understood why she was horrified.
      You will and other Aspie/and partner will have noticed, nearly always 'behaved' like this to your partner/family rarely outside the family. There is also a reason for this.
      You use the word condition---you do not have a condition--I can add to that. You might let your Father off the hook, very few Psychologists would even know where to look let alone start. Especially if they incorrectly think it is mental or a condition.
      There would have been ways to help you fit into society better if others had understood your thinking --but not a cure.
      You have been given learning to at least understand or experience how others are experiencing you- I know a whole family Mother 4 of 5 children a brother sister a grandchild and obviously a father who have never been told about Asperges and see each others behaviour as obnoxious but cant see the mirror image--I wont tell them

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    3. Maybe mask is the wrong word. I developed defense mechanisms to hide my abnormalities. Many decisions I made were a result of social norms. I wanted to appear normal so I made decisions and used actions that I thought a normal person with normal thoughts would do. I love my children but I probably shouldn't have gotten married when I did and to whom I did. My wife is very smart and very accomplished but she wasn't the right partner for me. She wants things from me I just can't give her emotionally. I'm not wired that way. I think she was cheated out of a life she should have had. Me also, I need a different kind of partner. I've known it for years. Why didn't I leave a long time ago? I have four great kids and financial responsibilities. I can't just walk away from that. That is not how I was raised. Instead I live in this prison, at least until my kids don't need me. Two weeks ago my wife asked my two youngest children aged 16 and 13 if they would feel less anxiety if I moved out. My youngest said he wanted me to stay until he moves out after he graduates. That is what I will do. At least I don't have to pretend anymore, I just have to survive the next 5 years.

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    4. Kerri. If we could actually talk. My interest in Asperges is in finding myself involved with a woman and being shocked, surprised, upset, even angry, with behaviour i did not understand. It was when I met the first grown child and 'suffered' unbelivable verbal abuse that I started studying and realised --Asperges. As I met each family member ---there it was again and again. Strangely not the eldest daughter. It indicated it was inherited from their Mother. Until I met her younger brother a sister and sister's grandchild who were all mirror image of each other---just saw each other as obnoxious. 'Casual' conversation revealed that the woman's father was a wife basher and very angry-----probably where it originated or perhaps even further back. I hasten to add that i am not saying Asperges leads to physical violence. I think the Fear--fight-flight-hide--reaction is mostly hide or/and flight.
      I do think the Aspie's wiring takes in nearly every thing as fear and the wiring does not allow reasoning.
      You would see all clearly as black and white not black and white.
      I think Aspies who are very intelligent and perhaps even genius do not 'reason' their answers but just do not see distracting patterns ie they see the trees not the forest. Ie 'Why do you people see the forest it is just a tree and a tree and a tree.
      As Einstein was accused of stating 'Definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different result.' He dismissed everything he saw as irrelevant. Asperges people are definetely not insane just dismissive of others.
      I could add more to thoughts of what to take into a new relationship.

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    5. Kerri I have never told these people they have asperges, it would serve no goodwill purpose at their age

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  20. I have spent a lot of time doing the same thing but expecting a different result. My wife has often said that I keep hitting the wall expecting that at some point I'm going to get through, I never do. I know that I also will not connect different experiences. Four example when I do something that makes my wife angry I will say that I will not do that again and then I do something similar but not exactly what I did before and then she will get angry with me and say that I promised not to do that and I will say that I didn't do that exact thing. It is like I live in rooms but cannot see the big picture. Everything is either black or white there is no gray. This has been very difficult for my family to deal with. When I say I am sorry for something I truly mean it and when I make a similar mistake I don't recognize it to be the same as my other similar mistakes. I don't know if this makes sense. I am not sure how else to explain it. One thing I would like to know though is I have heard that dogs can be very good companions for people with Aspergers. This is true? Is there any reading that I can do on this subject? I have always loved dogs ever since I was little kid and even as an adult I love dogs and feel this connection with them I would like to read more up on that.

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    1. Hi Kerri and others.
      Kerri I have 'enjoyed'our 'conversations' it has helped me to keep searching.
      But please tell me if you would prefer to stop replying to you. I will understand.
      Aka hasten to add, I have never written or said that an Asperger's behaviour IS obnoxious or is intended to be so.
      I chose the word as the closest I can think of to describe how people in a relationship might experience comments or behaviour.
      You repeat that your wife feels ANGER at your behaviour, behaviour you do not intend to cause her anger. Choose a word then or have her choose a word for the emotion she feels that causes her anger. Use her word to replace obnoxious.

      Remember what ever she feels that makes her angry is FEAR. Whatever word she or you both feel that causes her anger is a fear word. The only other emotion is LOVE and we can be sure at that point she may love you desperately but your wife is not feeling love.
      If you want me to continue I have relevant, important comments about dogs, donkeys and most animals.
      Also a comment on your relevant peace in a Aspergers' group.
      I have written earlier that Aspergers' people rarely display the behaviour or/and experience adverse reaction away from family.
      My opinion is there is reason for that. I conclude with An OPINION is a view not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
      Many people with Aspergers (perhaps not you) think that if a person states something that person believes it is the only right way. When most people might insist they are right they do see other opinions ( perhaps as wrong.)
      My experience with Aspergers is she/he do not see right or wrong IT JUST IS. So in giving my/our opinion an Aspergers might say why am saying something that just is not?
      I will assume you will choose to 'drop-off' now. I assure you I do wish you well I admire your hopeful attitude.

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    2. I would like to know what your thought are on Aspies and dogs. I also do enjoy reading your thoughts. When I read them I wonder what your background is on Aspergers because your thoughts are very insightful. When I go to these Asperger support groups and I see wives there with their Aspie husbands I think " How is their marriage different than mine? They seem like they have a good marriage. Why are those wives supportive?" When I ask my wife why she doesn't go with me she responds with how she's been living with this circus for 28 years and she's worn out, she can't do it anymore. Therefore as an NT why is it that some couples look very committed even with an Aspie spouse? Is it all for show or is it that they haven't reached the boiling point yet? Is it inevitable with an Aspie partner that eventually that point will come? I want to know what goes on in the head of an NT who is in a relationship with an Aspie. What's their evolution of thought?

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  21. I go to an Aspergers support group in Orange County California and I have never met anyone with Aspergers that is obnoxious and verbally abusive and I am not that way. So my opinion is that those that are obnoxious and verbally abusive may have other issues but again I'm not an expert I'm just speaking from my experience. I have met quite a few people with Aspergers. However I have also met people with Aspergers who do you not have much of a filter. In other words they don't see the social cues in what is socially acceptance to say and I know at times I have been that way but I would not necessarily consider that obnoxious . For example I once told a mailman he reminded me of Cliff from Cheers. My wife told me that was very rude but at the time I just thought I was being social and friendly . So that's what I mean by filter. I hope this helps.

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