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Our Top 10 Picks: Self-Help Books for Adults with Asperger's

Based on popularity, here are our top 10 picks for self-help books that adults with Asperger's may benefit from:




Our Top 10 Picks for Books on Asperger's and Women

This post includes a list of the top 10 books of special interest to women with Asperger’s (or to those who think they may have Asperger's):



















Top 25 Reasons Why Adults With Asperger's May Refuse Treatment

We asked 100 people with Asperger’s who never sought formal treatment the following question: “What is the main reason you avoided seeking any type of treatment for your condition?”

Here are their answers (although not direct quotes) in order of popularity:
  1. Don’t see any need to change
  2. No health coverage/could not afford cost
  3. Possible negative effect on job if boss and coworkers found out
  4. Did not know where to go for treatment
  5. Concern that receiving treatment will cause family and friends to have negative opinion
  6. Able to handle issues without treatment 
  7. No transportation/inconvenient 
  8. No program available having the type of treatment preferred
  9. Did not feel need for treatment at the time 
  10. Did not have time/too busy
  11. Fear of being committed to a lengthy process
  12. Fear of having to take medicine 
  13. Concerned about confidentiality 
  14. Strong belief that treatment would not help 
  15. Not 100% sure of having the disorder
  16. Want to be in control of own destiny without a “label”
  17. Don’t want to be told what to do or how to live life
  18. Apprehensive about what the treatment program entails and not feel able to handle it
  19. Don’t do well in groups or around a bunch of other people
  20. Afraid of getting drug tested because use marijuana to self-treat anxiety
  21. Symptoms are not as bad now as an adult
  22. Lack of family support
  23. Tried treatment briefly and found no benefit 
  24. Afraid of being committed to a mental health facility due to frequent suicidal thoughts
  25. O.K. with how life is going now

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Recent Comments from Disturbed NT Partners of Asperger's Men

Anonymous... How he is constantly mis reading me and other situations. How he feels frustrated that he tries and tries, but still misses out, even in social settings. We have a LOT of communication issues. But since we have a son diagnosed with Aspergers, we at least have something we can hold on to. We understand what is going on, but fixing it is definitely a challenge. Many evenings are usually watching TV, working on the computer or flat out arguing nothing in between. We have tried therapy, but my husband doesn't see anything wrong with HIM! He lives by the adage if it isn't squeaking, then it doesn't need the grease, so it doesn't get attention. WE just talk about it all night and then forget about it until the next time. WE have been married for 15 years this way. Probably remain so for another 40 or so. Not healthy, but we are adapting.

Anonymous... I have been married to an aspie for 49 years. He has retired three times but keeps going back after a few months. He uses the excuse of credit card debt which I piled while searching for something to fill the void. It has been a sex less marriage for 20 years due time his health I guess. Now he has stage 4 cancer and is once again picking work over me. It is only a few days a week but I feel rejected (not a new feeling). I am hollow and so far beyond sad. I live on antidepressants and he just acts like life is fine.

Anonymous... My advice to all women neurotypicals married to Aspies, as described above, you are NOT happy, are struggling, getting picked on, dealing with fights and melt-downs, it does NOT get better - it gets worse! Get out early while you can have a life. You're not doing Anyone any favors - your Aspie husband and not yourself. You will end up regretting not having a life. Let your Aspie husband find an Aspie wife. You find a Neurotypical husband. Living with an Aspie husband is living with an abusive husband. Period. Do you want to be a victim of abuse? Get out early.

Anonymous... Everyone in an Aspie marriage - GET OUT NOW! It never gets better and only gets Worse. You deserve a life; you deserve to be treated well. You are dealing with abuse. Do you want to be a victim of abuse? You do not deserve to be constantly put-down, yelled at, and told it's your problem. That is abuse. GET OUT! Do NOT stay for the children, do not put up fronts, get out while you're young enough to start another life with normalcy, or you will look back and regret you had no life. Period. Let the Aspies marry other Aspies. You go get in a nurturing, caring relationship.

Anonymous... My soul has withered living in an NT-AS marriage for 24 years. I am drained of all life from within. I am exhausted (to say the least) from trying to figure out my husband, from being the social-interpreter for him (because he can be clueless here), from constantly protecting him from everyone who misunderstands his communications and facial expressions, from coaching him for 'normal' (neurotypical) behavior and interactions. I was literally losing my mind, when I came across an internet article titled "Effects of the differing neuro developmental levels" which tells exactly what the issues are. It is a somewhat a relief to know that experiences like mine are documented and studied and that help is available. What I need most now is to find a support group of NTs in my part of the world - India. I am praying I will find one.

Anonymous.. I'm an NT married for more than 20 years to an undx AS. Sought counseling for myself because he has me convinced I'm the one with anger issues, am overly controlling...and he is SO laid back, so the problem is with me, right? When I explain I'm stressed because he's been unemployed for the last several years, it's "my" problem that I don't understand this is "just temporary" -- no "yes, I can understand how that worries you, so what can I do to help ease your concerns?" When I stress that Anonymous... I'm responsible for the bills, household management, kids, cleaning, cooking, and now working because he doesn't, well it's my fault for "having high standards." Umm...preferring him to not pay bills anymore because he "forgets" and then we get fined for hundreds of dollars in late fees is a "high standard"? What freaks me out is that I've been working really hard to describe things rationally in hopes that helps him understand my perspective, and he gets so sidetracked in arguing where I'm wrong with my logic, that every conversation just devolves into a circle argument, with no resolution in sight. Frankly, it's depressing. My counselor is the one who picked up that he is AS (after meeting with him several times about "my issues"), and I've been doing tons of research and have been so relieved to say, "okay, now let's figure this out together." His response? He wants to "think about" for a while...so the silence about issues resolution just continues. I've decided at my next counseling session to let my therapist know I want to work on setting up healthy boundaries for me...after years of emotional need starvation, no sex, the majority of "life management" for us on my shoulders...I'm just exhausted.

Anonymous... This is an affliction - mental illness and It's more common than I thought after 30 years and surviving an Aspie marriage - without divorce, going to jail; compromising my relationship with the Most High; and creating a happy world of my own -- deserve a ribbon or something - we are all imperfect and have to put up with us as well - but this Aspergers is no joke! it deeply affects marriages in a way that can sometimes feel like emotional abuse -- Denial, pride and being high functioning; successful in his secular world makes the Cassandra syndrome my world- most folks won't believe what our world is like because NT wives help to protect and create a happy front for our families, kids and their families and our spiritual families - They of course have no clue and are just as content as it is - as long as I don't demand basic fundamentals - but I've never been the shut up and take it type of person- and unfortunately thru criticism as a way of fighting back have not made his world easy - so we continue to ride the roller coaster

Anonymous... I feel...it is such a lonely existence.. HE is my 2nd husband....all ''nice'' at first...dinners..weekends away..I saw a few mood swings etc....but because he is Diabetic type 1...I put them down to that. There were times when I said the ''wrong thing'' and he got angry..hands at my throat few times...broken dish...food thrown.....Then, when I had my2nd cancer..resulting in a mastectomy/chemo..hair loss etc..HE really changed. Would take me to chemo at the hospital...leave me there...pick me up after...take me home...and leave me to fend for myself. Of course... I have lost all of my libido....(Post menopause) and I take Tamoxifen every day ..only 1 yr to go on it) HE has been more withdrawn( if that is possible)because of NO sex..BUT he was never highly sexed anyway!! I cannot leave ..this is my home....I have been diagnosed as having a low depression..and will see a Psychologist....I have to learn to be stronger.....WHAT else can I do..?? 

Anonymous... I have been married for 17 years to my husband. I now understand that what I have called "socially inappropriate behavior" has a name called Aspergers. It has been complete hell for me and my family. I now understand that his brother and mother also share this diagnosis. The behavior I have been exposed to during our relationship has been devastating and painful. I have come to believe that my husband does not love me, but now I am seeing that he is wired differently and sees life much different than I. I began drinking to be comfortably numb and what he did and said and didn't do didn't hurt so much. I entered AA over a year ago and believed him when he said I was an alcoholic. I thought it would solve all of our problems and no realize that it is multifaceted. I do not know if my husband will be willing to accept this diagnosis, but I will hang in there and go to marital counseling and counseling for my son who has ADHD and possible aspergers. God bless to all who live in this situation.

The Reframing Technique: Tips for Adults with Asperger's

5 Types of Male Aspies to Avoid: Tips for NT Women

If you are a neurotypical (NT) woman considering getting into a relationship with a man known to have Asperger’s, you may want to steer clear from the following types of Aspies:

1. Routines Are Paramount— This Aspies finds great comfort in routine and will be very disappointed if his partner tries to surprise him or change him in anyway. His day-to-day schedule always looks the same – eats the same food, goes to bed at the same time, has the same (few) friends, etc.

If you try to spice things up a bit, you may find that he gets very anxious and angry. He HATES change of any kind, which often makes for a very boring life for his partner. This guy is prone to rage and meltdowns.

2. Other People Can Pick Up the Slack— This man is initially fun and alive - and oh so sweet. He carries his share of the load in the relationship (e.g., with chores, paying bills, raising the kids, etc.). But, after a few years, he regresses into lazy teenager, glued to the computer and leaving you to pick up the slack. This usually causes his partner to become very frustrated and bitter. She also goes through the years feeling very alone.

Unfortunately, when she confronts him, he puts a negative spin on her complaints and attempts to make her look like the “bad guy.” His refusal to look at his contribution to the relations problems often brings out the worst in the woman (she can’t fix the problem, and efforts to fix it makes it worse).

3. Logic Over Emotion— This Aspie never talks about his inner feelings. Instead, he’s overly logical. He’s very biased to his values and belief system – and finds it extremely difficult to empathize and to understand other’s point of view. He may appear highly self-centered and is always absorbed in his own activities, thoughts and challenges, which often makes his woman feel neglected and unloved.

4. Hot, Then Cold— Unfortunately, this guy gives no clues up front that his commitment-level will wane over time. In the early stages of the relationship, you may find that he is literally obsessed with you – texting you all the time, saying all the right things, wanting to spend A LOT of time with you, etc. However, after a few months (or years), he loses interest and instead focuses on work or one of his other (new) obsessions. In addition, his sex drive may diminish drastically.

His early passion for you was indeed genuine, but once the newness of the relationship wears off, he feels the need to find a new passion rather than keeping the former passion alive and pumping.

5. Goals 1st and Relationships 2nd— This Aspie may come across as utterly heartless. He is mainly goal-oriented and has zero tolerance for mistakes. Break his trust once, and you may pay the price for several weeks – if not months. He will likely be the type of partner that is very stubborn and immovable about many matters (e.g., you suggest that the two of you go on a 4-day cruise, and he says, “No way in hell!”).

Don’t try to argue with this guy, because he is NEVER wrong. On the upside, he is usually very successful, financially independent, and educated (e.g., an engineer or accountant).

It likely that many men with Asperger's have varying degrees of all (or most) of the traits listed above, but tend to exhibit one or two types predominately.

Now that we’ve looked at these 5 types of Asperger’s men, NT partners need to understand that relationships don’t really thrive on love. Rather, they thrive on acceptance, compassion and understanding.

Some woman can find it in the heart to accept the things they can’t change and to stay in a relationship that didn’t turn out the way they thought it would. Others may feel the need to move on and build a relationship that’s more in line with their expectations. Either way is acceptable – and nobody has the right to judge! (Note: There would be a third option, and a very sad one indeed. And that would be for the NT woman to simply tough it out, never accepting things for what they are, and living a life that she may deem "miserable" and unsatisfying.) 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Reducing Work-Related Anxiety: Tips for Aspies

Here are 6 hacks to help reduce your stress throughout the work week:

1. Do something physical after work. Instead of walking in the door and crashing on the coach, give your body some attention in the form of exercise, or simply spend some time with friends or family. If you just work, then crash, then work again, then crash again, you are over-valuing your job – which will cause you to get lost in your own stressful thoughts and daily pressures. Instead, replace the work anxiety memories with new, better memories through good social contacts and exercise (note: combine the two by going to the gym with a friend).

2. Drink less coffee: If you start your day with a habitual cup of coffee – and then drink more once you get to work – know that this will raise your anxiety level. While a couple cups of coffee will increase energy level, it will also mimic stress symptoms (e.g., shakiness, racing heart, upset stomach, etc.).

3. Get up and move around. Go to the bathroom and stretch. Get a drink at the water fountain. Take a short walk on your lunch break. Anything to avoid sitting in one spot for too long. When we sit for lengthy periods of time, our breathing becomes shallow, which raises stress-levels.

4. Learn to turn your tasks into challenges for yourself. A lot of jobs consist of boring, menial labor. But you can add some spice to your life by timing yourself to see how quickly you can complete a particular task - or see how many tasks you can complete in a set time. In other words, turn your work into a game. This will give you the opportunity to accomplish more – and make your job a bit more pleasant.

5. Stop over-analyzing your anxiety. Oftentimes, diagnosing what exactly is getting you stressed creates even more stress. A moderate amount of stress is normal and to be expected. Some jobs are naturally stressful. Thus, paying extra attention to your stress-level is not unhelpful.

6. Take frequent mental breaks. Even if it’s just for a minute, meditate, take deep breaths, drop your shoulders and release any tension, or visualize a peaceful place that you experienced at some point (e.g., the beach). These little tactics help your brain to wind down a bit, which in turn reduces anxiety.

Coping with Social Anxiety Disorder


==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

How to Be a Chronic Worrier: Asperger’s Guidelines to Increase Anxiety

As an adult with Asperger’s (high-functioning autism), you are probably an expert in experiencing anxiety. However, if you want to kick your game up a few notches, adopt the “beliefs” listed below. They are guaranteed to move your anxiety to an all new level.

Belief #1: You should spend copious amounts of time contemplating all the possible things that might go wrong in any particular situation, or else you won’t be adequately prepared. “What if ________ (fill in the blank) happens?” …should become your new mantra.

Belief #2: Make yourself adopt the notion that you are a “born worrier.” In other words, you “have to worry” because it’s a genetic trait, so there’s no sense in trying to change something that is totally out of your control.

Belief #3: Accept that you are unable to find solutions to most problems, and as such, worrying is the best option.

Belief #4: Adopt the idea that if you let other people know what they do that makes you anxious, they will change their behavior to accommodate your wishes. In other words, feel free to engage in “emotional blackmail” as needed.

Belief #5: Come to understand that if you worry about others, it will show that you care about them. You know how great it feels when you see that someone else is continually worrying about you – right? So, return the favor!

Belief #6: Realize that if you worry about something long and hard enough – it’s likely to happen. Thus, create as many “self-fulfilling prophecies” as possible.

Belief #7: If you “feel” really nervous about something, it must mean that it’s a real threat. Therefore, you SHOULD worry about it – because feelings make facts.

Belief #8: Spend a long time thinking through every aspect of an issue before making a decision, because “spur-of-the-moment” decisions are often deadly!

Belief #9: Be advised that just because something you worried about in the past didn’t happen, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. As such, “jumping to conclusions” and creating “worst-case scenarios” is highly recommended.

Belief #10: If you unceasingly worry about something (e.g., all day, all night, into the next day, etc.), you may be able to prevent bad things from happening. Increased worry equals fewer unwanted outcomes.

These are all beliefs that will raise your stress-level so high that your nearest competitors will be absolutely blown away. So, go ahead – lead the pack.


==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples