"Do you have any tips for dealing with a partner with Asperger who has a higher than average desire for physical intimacy and sex - and no problems with touch etc., but who doesn't understand the link between emotional and physical intimacy?"
The same would be true for most men, whether or not they have Asperger's. But, men with the disorder may come across as particularly cold or emotionally distant due to their deficit in reciprocity (more on that topic can be found here).
Immediately after sexual release, your partner is probably physically satisfied. But as his 'sexual clock' ticks on, erotic thoughts become more prevalent, and he is more easily aroused. The physical need for sexual release increases as sperm builds-up in the testicles. The body continues to manufacture and store sperm, even though sperm production changes based on levels of testosterone and the frequency of sexual release.
The best way for you to understand this issue is to relate it to another physiological need. When a woman has a baby, she may have experienced breast milk building-up in her breasts a few days after giving birth. The build-up of milk can be irritating - and even painful - until the milk is discharged. She may have even had the uncomfortable experience of leaking milk when it was not discharged.
The man's semen build-up is sometimes released through night-time emissions if it is not otherwise discharged. Just as with breast milk, sperm production keeps up with demand. The more often your partner has sex, the more semen his body will produce.
As a female, you don't experience the physiological drive for sex in this way. There is no build-up that demands discharge. Instead, hormonal fluctuations drive your sexuality. Your sexual hormones are largely determined by 2 factors: (a) the part of the brain called the hypothalamus, and (b) the female reproductive cycle (e.g., menstruation, ovulation, pregnancy, menopause, etc.).
Your sexual desire is far more connected to emotions than your partner's sex drive is. He is able to experience sexual arousal apart from any emotional attachment. For example, he may look at a naked woman and feel intense physical desire for her, but at the same time be completely devoted to - and in love with - you. For most females, this just doesn't make sense.
A basic difference in the wiring of male and female sexuality is that males can separate sex from a relationship - while for a females, the two are usually closely connected (i.e., your desire for sex is linked to an emotional or relational need).
Don't make the assumption that because sex is a physical need for your partner, it doesn't have an emotional or relational impact. This is simply not true. His sexuality has a tremendous impact on his emotional and spiritual well-being.
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• Anonymous said… This helps so much. My sex drive is pretty high, but his never seems to come off it’s peak. This makes so much sense now. Thank you
• Anonymous said… Totally this. Kind of a relief to see
• Anonymous said… No intimacy for over 2 years now. It would be nice to have had at least a middle ground instead of complete lack of it.
• Anonymous said… This is MY experience. Every time I try to get help for it those who have no physical intimacy comment. It’s not v nice the other side either and it does exist and it’s validating just to have an article that says this. But I agree it doesn’t give any advice and does seem to justify it which is a shame.
• Anonymous said… My guy is almost like this... but he is able to hug, kiss me etc
• Anonymous said… No physical intimacy for 7.5 years.he switched it off when our child was born. I called him out recently and sggested that i was easy to switch off as the feelings he portrayed for me before our child was born were never really there in the first place. He agreed! All very sad but at least i no longer blame myself for not being thin/attractive enough/possible affairs/ homosexuality / narcassism on his part anymore. I am a means to an end for him and always was.
• Anonymous said… total relate to this article
• Anonymous said… I’d wonder about their porn use and an actual sexual dysfunction. Porn induced erectile dysfunction is rampant in men these days. Pornography use isn’t helpful at all. It’s likely hindering intimacy.
• Anonymous said… My ex who had aspergers was asexual. I’m sure either way it’s hard but I was so frustrated.
• Anonymous said… I've been wondering myself lately if my sex drive is affected by my diagnosis or not. I havent noticed any issues with understanding or showing intimacy with my past relationships. (I enjoy simple things like cuddling and holding someone very much)
• Anonymous said… I'v managed to determine that ladies that wanna actually bang are never going to want to be with me, and that "getting ladies to wanna bang by winning their hearts first" is a hopeless case, as they always have No Interest in me....