tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.comments2024-03-18T07:20:14.358-07:00Support & Education for Adults on the Autism SpectrumUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1017125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-25207935871857844662024-03-05T07:36:10.320-08:002024-03-05T07:36:10.320-08:00Thank you so much, correspondent of 23rd Feb, for ...Thank you so much, correspondent of 23rd Feb, for sharing your experience which is like my own (will be 50 years in April). I certainly wouldn't recommend staying with a spouse on the spectrum but a degree of separation and definitely making my own life, while standing up firmly to manipulation and making my boundaries very clear has at least kept the family together...and my sons have increasingly made the line between acceptable & unacceptable behaviour clear to their father since finding their own partners. I too take refuge in prayer & contemplation, plus I removed my wedding ring 19 years ago, explaining that the promises were never kept and from now on we were "just friends" & I should be given the same respect as a friend. Not sure if anyone's mentioned sex on here but I would say "forget it as it's my experience that his demands & my needs will never meet or the latter be considered ". Thank you so much for this thread!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-9423709654710799812024-03-04T13:52:44.814-08:002024-03-04T13:52:44.814-08:00I will write more later. But briefly. You are amaz...I will write more later. But briefly. You are amazing to have coped for so long. My experience is that they they take it out on significant other. <br />Friends family acquaintances work mates don’t understand the behaviour. Ie it must be my imagination. <br />What is difficult, and consider this in retrospect. Is that they see every thing as Black and White not black OR white as most of us do. Why aren’t we seeing things as I do they bully. In public office such as police and politicians they can be dangerous. A former MP was text book Asp, very dangerous, Aust may never recover Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-35402559248054905562024-03-03T22:52:44.390-08:002024-03-03T22:52:44.390-08:00I'm very sorry to hear of your suffering &...I'm very sorry to hear of your suffering & unhappiness. I came to this website to seek info because I believe I may have undiagnosed aspies, and stumbled upon your post. <br /><br />Sadly, I found your commentary very subjective and stigmatizing - hateful almost - towards ASD. I'd be remiss not to share that the angry, unthoughtful , generalizing commentary ("All aspies are abusers") triggered suicidal ideation for me. I'm a strong one with a great support system - I can't imagine how others may feel reading your ignorant and generalizing words.. <br /><br />It sounds like your partner was an abusive a**hole. I recognize why it may feel comforting to "other" him. Please don't let your experience create an opening for you to project your pain and fear onto marginalized people. Just because your ASD was abusive, doesn't mean we all are. I wish for your healing and expansion.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-72508386855621373472024-03-03T12:00:12.717-08:002024-03-03T12:00:12.717-08:00I am so grateful to have stumbled onto this discus...I am so grateful to have stumbled onto this discussion. Like many of us, I am trying to work though the aftermath of loving someone who I believe has high functioning autism (he has never been diagnosed and he would be angry with me if I brought up this topic). My husband of 2 years, 4 together, left me abruptly last July after admitting to having an affair with a co-worker, he got her pregnant and now has a two month old son. It was like he changed overnight, he was never humble about what he had done, and he is so angry with me for expecting that he would be faithful. <br /><br />We are still married, in no contact, and he just tells me he want his stuff and to move forward with his life. It is as if he became an unfeeling robot. This man who has told me that he has always loved me. <br /><br />It helps to read these comments and know that I am not alone in having this kind of experience. I started thinking he might be on the spectrum a while back, then when I watched "Love on the Spectrum", I could see so many characteristics (mild) that he has in interactions with me and others. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-62666439345479717302024-03-02T09:38:08.180-08:002024-03-02T09:38:08.180-08:00Boy do I see both sides here... The commentary fro...Boy do I see both sides here... The commentary from the OP is amazing, and I think she is truly lucky to have the mental health/psychological background that she has. I also think that every Aspie is different. <br />When I met my husband 28 years ago I just thought he was nerdy! I come from a highly social NT family and had never been around anyone with ASD so didn't recognize the signs. <br />When we got married he forgot my birthday and it made me so sad because I was always so celebrated by my family. When things got tougher, I took on the role of a mother. Correcting his awkward behaviors/comments. I always did it in private. I was in my early 20s and clueless. I used to think "boy, what kind of manners and education did his parents give him, I will help him"? The ironic part is his father was a very successful psychiatrist! And even he didn't catch it, so much so that he sent him to another psychiatrist for meds for anxiety. To his father's defense, there was less info 50 years ago on ASD. <br />Moving forward, I always thought there was something wrong with me. Feeling lonely, unseen, I just didn't get it. "There must be something wrong with me or what is wrong with him..." He never remembered my favorite things, only on occasion. BUT he is an AMAZING human being who would never hurt a soul purposely. That's why I say all Aspies are different. <br />I have learned to be patient and empathetic, humble, and many other awesome things living with him. The cool thing about my Aspie husband is that he is always mentoring and helping others. However, he always gives solutions instead of listening. So this has caused for a few executive men to be a**holes to him! Yes, he has been bullied by a few execs who didn't "get him". But what I love about him is he doesn't take it personal! OMG, I would be crying if I was treated like that. He works with high-level Germans and can take their humor!<br />The downside is that he was always so fixated on single things and so transactional that during and after the pandemic when he stopped traveling for work, we all noticed behaviors that before we didn't. We raised 3 kids in private schools, so they have learned speech and debate and sports and they started noticing his "quarky" things like chewing loud sometimes, or obsessions about finance and money, the fact that he has no friends but has a TON of colleagues all over the world who respect him. It's so interesting to watch!<br />I started to socially isolate (2020). He was suddenly always around, doing the same thing at the same time, making comments about food. He looks at labels or makes comments if we were grabbing a snack like: "we're about to have dinner" or "I'm so full, these pancakes are so huge". This really affected my teen daughters. To the point that one of them developed disorderly eating because she started to feel guilty about eating too much. So we took her to a psychologist/nutritionist and we found out she was depriving herself of food. An athlete who competes! This is when we all started going to therapy. Someone with OCD type gaslighting behaviors making comments about people's bodies and what they eat HAS hurt both my daughters.<br />Therapy did help all of us and now we are more aware. For my high school daughter to say: "dad, your comments sound narcissistic and it hurts me" and his reaction was like "what? you think I'm a narcissist?" gaslighting like it's her fault for viewing him this way. Luckily I managed it well. <br />He literally told me, frustrated "I don't get it, I just don't understand what you and the girls are referring to"... and that's when it hit me, after 28 years, he really does not process it in his brain the way we do! And it's not his fault. But the Aspie has to be open minded about improving the behaviors, dynamic and communication between he and his family.<br />I have thought about divorce a million times but I can't imagine my life without him because he DOES make efforts. Maybe without a social life like I imagined but I join my lady groups and do my thing. It's still lonely but we take it one day at a time.Colettenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-14578999800976794652024-02-28T12:11:29.767-08:002024-02-28T12:11:29.767-08:00Very unfair , I have a rejection rate of 100%, des...Very unfair , I have a rejection rate of 100%, despite being always polite and honest. It was not my choice to be born with a disability. Discrimination is alive and well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-91416844237008159392024-02-28T12:07:37.183-08:002024-02-28T12:07:37.183-08:00So unfair. No matter how nice and polite I have be...So unfair. No matter how nice and polite I have been, my rejection rate has been 100%.On the other hand, guys that are rude, inappropriate, and having had run ins with the law, can pick up any woman they like. I did not choose to be born with a disability. Discrimination is, unfortunately, alive and well, even in the 21st century.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-55002063840843566932024-02-25T17:11:59.926-08:002024-02-25T17:11:59.926-08:00I spent my life Undiagnosed, in the South, where “...I spent my life Undiagnosed, in the South, where “that stuff ain’t real”, until now (45). Fawning / People Pleasing became my primary strategy to survive. This means that I had to force myself into every form of connection (love language) just to engage for day to day responsibilities. The only thing unbastardized was a physical connection. Except, I’m ASD1, so I attract all the girls who have been sexually used by the “confident” guys, so they are Drawn to Nice Guys because, for some reason, they think we don’t want sex. This also means that the women who are most likely to respond to an ASD male, is somebody who has some kind of sexual trauma from previous “confident” boyfriends. And, just as a previous comment said, I don’t have the Intimacy skills to Lead a series of events to trigger that level of arousal. Our brain, men with ASD, is literally wired to skip over the Social Processing connections and we have to back-track to process that information. So basically, my genetic & space/time lottery left me to be Extremely Sexual… and Naturally Unattractive. fmlAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-2379698882635531362024-02-24T22:25:38.324-08:002024-02-24T22:25:38.324-08:00I feel for you, I also feel trapped bc of little f...I feel for you, I also feel trapped bc of little financial resource. Find a way - find someone locally who also has lived experience that can coach you through next steps even if it costs a few $$$. That’s what I am planning on doing otherwise I will stay here stuck, sad and stressed. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-85950715789417055372024-02-24T22:04:30.450-08:002024-02-24T22:04:30.450-08:00I can totally empathise with all the above. I was ...I can totally empathise with all the above. I was with my aspbergic partner for 13 years. It was the happiest time of my entire life and we got on so well, never fell out, and were always respectful to each other. He told me he wanted to end our relationship. No warning, no nothing.<br />Said he thought I had gone off him. I explained I had been going through a difficult time, which I then explained to him. He replied with “well that makes sense of things, but you should have told me 2 weeks ago, I want to get to know someone else”. I am beyond devastated and after 7 months apart am still struggling to get my head around this. I miss him so much. I cannot understand how he can move from being so loving to so cold in such a short time.<br />He left me for someone 15 years younger - a rebound and perhaps a midlife crisis.<br />It hurts so much to have invested so much into our relationship and be discarded like this with no discussion or attempt to resolve anything.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-86965824064613388592024-02-13T06:04:12.444-08:002024-02-13T06:04:12.444-08:00I have been reading these comments all night after...I have been reading these comments all night after having another blowup with my ASD husband. I'm not going to concentrate on my husbands behavior but it is the same as you all have described. I'm glad I found this sight. It did help me feel a little less alone. After the fight and before I found this site I was full of despair. I was reminded again that he just doesn't get that he has a problem. It smacked me full in the face tonight that it's never going to get better unless God miraculously changes his brain. I actually do believe he has gotten better since he understands his diagnosis but it is still not enough to meet my needs. We have been married 50 years this year and diagnosed 15 years ago. Actually it was easier for me before he was diagnosed because I thought that all his bad behaviors were him just being inconsiderate and mean. Now, knowing the truth that it is a physical abnormally in his brain, and he can't help his behavior, it makes me feel helpless to do anything and guilty for resenting the way he treats me or actually the way he disregards me. I feel abandoned and lonely and angry and hurt all at the same time. I don't buy that bull crap that we NT's have to be the understanding and sympathetic ones with an ASD spouse. It is a disability just like any other disability and they can learn coping skills to make them act at least human even if that doesn't come naturally to them. I don't let my spouse get away with any of those previous behaviors now. I call him out on them and make him accountable for his actions. No, he doesn't like it, but he made my life hell the first 30 years of our marriage so he has no excuse now because now we both know why he does it. So he is getting better at admitting he is wrong and realizing he doesn't do well in making decisions or social cues. But bottom line, it is still just behavioral changes and educational information, and until God heals the missing neurons in his brain he will not change completely into the partner and husband I need who really gets me. We will always live on totally different planes. Like someone else put it, "along side each other", but never one flesh as God had designed it. It grieves me so much to know we will not experienced the soul intimacy that I have always desired in our relationship. Thankfully we are friends most of the time and we do enjoy spending time together exploring and traveling together. It is just times like tonight when he isn't considerate or understand me that really brings home the truth he just doesn't comprehend showing emotions and communication the way I need. I am having a very hard time accepting that fact and I don't know that I ever will. I am thankful that I have a personal relationship with Jesus and that he sustains my emotional, mental, and spiritual needs that my husband cannot give me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-55670317506648071792024-02-12T12:16:31.927-08:002024-02-12T12:16:31.927-08:00It makes sense that many people with ASD use outco...It makes sense that many people with ASD use outcome to judge morality. But I’ve often seen people who are quick to blame someone for normal behavior that had the outcome of making them anxious, excusing themselves for causing a truly negative outcome, like causing observable physical, financial or emotional pain, because of their intentions, which often weren’t even good. It’s hard to square that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-53717958449289584902024-02-10T18:31:46.888-08:002024-02-10T18:31:46.888-08:00Hi, wow first of all, well done all for creating t...Hi, wow first of all, well done all for creating this wonderful wealth of information! Thank you, Ladies & Gentleman<br /><br />I am currently at my dads house (twice in one month) because my ASD husband is making me loose my shit and I went fucking psycho on him.<br /><br />I am forever questioning my sanity<br /><br />This is actually a very good to write:<br />'Memoirs of screaming the house down' <br /><br />you know that bit when you say : 'WHAT?????!!!!' <br /><br />How can everything be fine and then all of sudden The rug is well and truly pulled from under your feet? And The ASD Monster rise from dry ice?<br /><br />this usually happens in the morning when I have just woken up!<br /><br />Just to give you a picture - <br />I am 36 - ADHD (Medicated) Diagnosed 2 years ago!<br />He is 49 - ASD & ADHD - diagnosed 3 months ago.<br /><br />HIS diagnosis explained everything <br /><br />I few examples below:<br /><br />We had failed IVF last year.<br />(I feel blessed for this)<br />He was all up for it, infact he suggested it. <br />first round all the way up to the HGC injection was all good.<br /><br />THEN.... The Embryo Transfer:<br />He had booked the day off work, and we were traveling to London on the train to have this completed. I was so happy, I was excited. for such a long process I was glad we got to this bit! <br />half way through the journey - he said (resentfully)<br /><br />"will this take long today, I've got quite a big day"<br /><br />I went (as above) 'WHAT?????!!!!' <br /><br />he then immediately said "what?' and I said - I cannot believe you just said that to me.<br /><br />what did I say?<br /><br />so I repeated it back (Luckily there was a lady next to me that validated this)<br /><br />and he still said 'I didn't say that' 'shut up'<br /><br />and that horrible dread sank in.<br /><br />we were going for lunch as we had a few hours, and he snarling at me - and was looking like he was almost embarrassed by me <br />I was chatting to some ladies at the bar and he was like - could you of been louder?<br /><br />everyone could hear you this turned into<br /><br />no I wasn't // you was no I wasn't // you was no I wasn't // you was no I wasn't // you was no I wasn't // you was no I wasn't // you was no I wasn't // you was<br /><br />I said sorry and sat down<br /><br />so I sat down and feeling very apprehensive, he then proceeding to say "stop staring at people" I was like WHATTTTTT!!<br /><br />Your Staring KT - your Staring / No I'm Not<br /><br /> Yes you are // No I'm Not Yes you are // No I'm Not Yes you are // No I'm Not Yes you are // No I'm Not Yes you are // No I'm Not Yes you are // No I'm Not Yes you are // No I'm Not <br /><br />and then I screamed <br /><br />we were kicked out of the restaurant and I was in flood of tears<br /><br />and we had to sleep in separate hotels that night<br /><br />This is just one of hundreds of things like this - <br /><br />I mean what grown adults says shit like this at times of importance <br /><br />There is so much more - but I am so angry writing this!! <br /><br />when its not about them - they become jealous arseholes!! <br /><br /><br />KT Custardnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-34957068997677163832024-02-09T21:22:39.242-08:002024-02-09T21:22:39.242-08:00Ah! I was with my Asperger partner for 5 years. Go...Ah! I was with my Asperger partner for 5 years. Got engaged after 3 months, he ended it after a year because he realised he didn’t want to get married (he was masking for the first 9 months) (I said at the beginning if he didn’t want marriage or kids to just leave me alone and he was adamant he wanted both). Worked for 10 months to get back together … broke ok a couple times in between. Last Saturday I was crying as I was made redundant and I’m stressed and he told me to stop crying because it was effing annoying and I pushed to see what his problem was and he said he thinks he wants to be alone, with his cats, as a recluse, you can love someone and not want to be with them (we were planning on me moving in a month ago and I didn’t think there was anything wrong). We were going well then he went back to work which he hated his job and he started getting worse, distancing, communication was lacking etc and now since he ended it last week … completely ignored me, threw me out of his life as “his way of function and coping”. Ignored all my messages and is just being cruel. I don’t know how they can go from loving you to literally acting as if your dead. I feel so alone. I got used to the compromising, mood swings and the usual Asperger characteristics and treated him so well so him just being like “oh I don’t wanna be with anyone” after 5 freaking years and just leaving it as that … they leave such a hole in your heart and sanity, they ruin your self esteem, fk with your mental health. I did a list and the cons outweigh the pros by a lot and I know long term the relationship with a HFA guy would be a struggle with the hot cold personality, not wanting to commit, different wants and morals etc but it still hurts so much. He says he loves me but the way his acting says differently. Any advice would be appreciated 😞Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-81549917219945496732024-02-05T14:21:16.578-08:002024-02-05T14:21:16.578-08:00I completely understand most of the comments about...I completely understand most of the comments about having a relationship with an aspie. When we first met 12 years ago l was love bombed with flower and holidays and dining out . He seemed so lovely. I only se him on weekends then as he worked full time due to being cleaned out in his previous marriage. I felt that was so unfair both of us being late 60s. His x was 50. She took everything. Some years later we got married after . There were a few odd times when he flew off the handle. I thought it was stressing. 7 years married life is so difficult to take, he’s retired and l am too being reliant on him. I gave up my flat and everything for him 7 years ago now l walk on eggshells all the time wondering when his next I outburst Will come. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-66212159005681653632024-01-13T16:01:48.915-08:002024-01-13T16:01:48.915-08:00I'm not someone who lives with regrets, but I ...I'm not someone who lives with regrets, but I do have one--I wish I had found this site earlier and others that describe the behaviors of someone on the spectrum, not knowing why he behaved in so many damaging and depleting ways.<br /><br />All I really want to say is DITTO. Get out while you can. If you think you can change a person on the spectrum, find a skilled therapist who can help you recognize that's a learned pattern from childhood--the belief that somehow you'll change another person so that they can be a loving adult in an adult relationship.<br /><br />Living with an ASD ex husband was an utter nightmare. Completely sucked up all my energy and time had me questioning my own sanity and left me completely empty, to the point where I knew if I stayed one more day, I would simply not wake up one day. Thankfully, I woke up one morning and decided I had enough. Sadly, still suffering the impact of having given my life away and how that and ex husband's inability to understand the impact of his behavior and words, has impacted our children and my relationship with them.<br /><br />Seek professional help from someone who is skilled in understanding ASD, as fast as you can.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-5933134348052337132024-01-01T20:42:47.814-08:002024-01-01T20:42:47.814-08:00Be thankful you got out! I’m sorry you had to go t...Be thankful you got out! I’m sorry you had to go through such a terrible ordeal. It’s not you! Based on what you’re describing, he is incapable of empathy. Avoid him at all cost. Do not reply if he tries to contact you again. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-86622090086751506882023-12-31T15:01:33.327-08:002023-12-31T15:01:33.327-08:00I have dated a man a long time, who I realized yea...I have dated a man a long time, who I realized years later, he is high functioning autistic. He had many online relationships (I am being tactful) one married younger woman could not leave him be. He, I later found out kept contacting her, but then said, She was contacting him, he would swear this for years, even though I knew the truth. Lol.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-14121278390444833872023-12-30T09:35:03.912-08:002023-12-30T09:35:03.912-08:00You either have grounds for divorce due to marital...You either have grounds for divorce due to marital abandonment by an unbeliever ( very few aspires are believers or they would be open to repentance and change in many areas they can control) Your husband has already left you emotionally, spiritually and in some cases physically ( withdraw sexually and/or wife cannot be with him like this with absolutely no real meaningful emotional connection). This is marital abandonment and can be backed up by 2 Corinthians 7:15. The other option is to fast and pray, if you are a believer, for deliverance of spouse in areas that are keeping you from having a real marriage, as God wants for you. The Asperger husband would need to be a believer so that they can stay delivered. There is evidence in Bible in Mark 9 that a child had been delivered from autism/epilepsy. Jesus said this spirit comes out through prayer and fasting. I am not sure if this would be applied to a resistant, unbelieving adult. These are the only options to be healthy spiritually and not become chronically sick. If you separate/divorce the ASD spouse, there is opportunity still for repentance or change. If your ASD spouse is resistant to change and deliverance, you can divorce. Lastly Jesus may have called us to suffer for him but that is not His will in a marital covenantAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-56956016009946629622023-12-28T13:03:33.559-08:002023-12-28T13:03:33.559-08:00Thank you Anonymous, you said it just right and hi...Thank you Anonymous, you said it just right and hit the nail on the head. "Do not marry" as this personality type CANNOT change. It's hardwired a certain way just like we are.Catherine Toddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16106773955427187343noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-81364875029716887892023-12-28T06:11:39.350-08:002023-12-28T06:11:39.350-08:00Of course...Of course...Mark Hutten, M.A.https://www.blogger.com/profile/10143414720553831694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-48042726014317681932023-12-27T14:34:20.391-08:002023-12-27T14:34:20.391-08:00Do not enter a marriage if you want to live a para...Do not enter a marriage if you want to live a parallel life where you interact with your spouse 10-30 percent of time (not counting time at work) You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Marriage is serious and you must engage on a very intimate level otherwise just find a friend instead but don’t enter a marriage covenantAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-74880733075256661872023-12-27T14:31:26.696-08:002023-12-27T14:31:26.696-08:00Neither AS-AS nor AS-NT (even worse) relationships...Neither AS-AS nor AS-NT (even worse) relationships work because there is extreme selfishness involved. Friendships could possibly work on some kind of level but marriage demands an intimacy on a whole different level and everyone knows this. Marriage is to only be entered into by people who are interested in mutuality, sacrifice, and true companionship in all areas of a marriage. If you are unwilling to acknowledge this or take it seriously in action, then do not marryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-26662123124655534652023-12-27T14:30:24.116-08:002023-12-27T14:30:24.116-08:00It might help the NTs on here if you could explain...It might help the NTs on here if you could explain what behaviours in a relationship feel natural to you as an Aspie and the ones you are aware of that are not helpful in an intimate relationship. I often wonder how and why my husband can’t consider me, but I never know what is going on in his head. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-212330848782074107.post-30168771209679510572023-12-27T14:25:50.283-08:002023-12-27T14:25:50.283-08:00His family sound like a disaster and like they hav...His family sound like a disaster and like they have pandered to him which might in part explain some of his poor behaviour. Don’t let yourself be brainwashed, see things as they really are and put yourself first. Develop strength by reaching out to those who love and support you, stay away from toxic behaviours. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com