Are you an adult with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's? Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you struggling emotionally, socially, spiritually or otherwise? Then you've come to the right place. We are here to help you in any way we can. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile...

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Men on the Autism Spectrum Who Won't "Work" On Their Relationships

“I have a boyfriend with aspergers syndrome that I love dearly. However, there are some issues that I would like to address that are getting in the way of this going to the next level. Problem is he won’t talk about issues, or consider going to a counselor that could help us. If I tell him how I feel, he gets overwhelmed and leaves. How can you work on problems in a relationship when the other person won’t talk about it? I really do love him and want to make this work, but I’m stuck at a dead end road currently.”

One of the toughest things in a relationship is when one partner wants to work on the existing problems, but the other doesn’t even think there is a problem – or worse, doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for some men with ASD (high-functioning autism) to flat-out refuse to go to couples counseling, or they do so reluctantly. Many of these guys won’t read a book about relationships, and don’t seem interested in talking about the problems.



It can be incredibly frustrating for the “neurotypical” (i.e., non-autistic) girlfriend who knows her relationship isn’t what it could be. After all, if he won’t work on the issues, isn’t it hopeless that he will ever change? And isn’t it reasonable to assume marriage is out of the question?

The question then becomes, given the situation here, what can be done on a day-to-day basis to improve the relationship before it implodes? Here are some ideas that may help:

Message to the boyfriend:

Men with ASD who are unwilling to go to counseling are usually afraid that the counselor will berate them. They worry that the counselor will take the side of their partner. But, they need to understand that couples counseling is not solely for people on the brink of a break-up.  It is for any couple who cares about their relationship being healthy.
 
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

To use an analogy, you may not need surgery, but you should still see your doctor periodically for check-ups.  It’s no different with a love relationship that could use a check-up. Lose the stigma you have about counseling – and go.  A counselor is simply an anonymous friend who can help you get your relationship on a good track. Also, a good counselor is not going to chastise you or side with your girlfriend.

Also, remember this rule: “Whoever is hurt is the one who is suffering.” Stop focusing on who is right and wrong, and focus on the fact that your girlfriend is hurt.  This is your partner, not your sister. Your girlfriend wants to be with you. She cares about you. If she didn’t, then she wouldn’t be working so hard to keep the relationship going.

Message to the girlfriend:

If your boyfriend has refused to work on the relationship, show him that YOU are trying to work on it.  Read relationship books or E-books in the presence of your man (in 15-minute chunks, max).  This is a tactful and subtle hint without being a “bitch.”  
 
Most men are open to being read to, because it doesn’t feel like a personal attack. This strategy may spark your boyfriend’s interest to engage in conversation about what you’re reading and inspire him to want to read along, or at least read a chapter or section. Try it! You've got nothing to lose here.

In addition, understand that you have already tried talking about the relationship problems many times now – and have been ignored. Thus, bringing it up in the same context isn’t going to help.  Your first temptation may be to do so louder or with a drastic ultimatum.  Don’t do either.  
 
The problem may be something your boyfriend will never change – and maybe can’t change even if he wanted to. Who knows?  It’s important to realize that potential reality and not feel “entitled” to him changing. If the two of you are meant to be together, then it will happen regardless of your efforts to “fix” the relationship.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

Signs That Your Neurotypical Wife Is Becoming Bitter: Tips For Husbands on the Spectrum

If you are a husband with ASD (high functioning autism) who is married to a neurotypical (i.e., non-autistic) wife, you know that marriage is not always a walk in the park. 
 
When the honeymoon phase disappears, and your wife starts to get frustrated with some of the symptoms you have that are associated with the disorder, there are bound to be disagreements.

But, when disputes and friction start to overshadow the positive aspects of the marriage, there is a bigger problem looming: BITTERNESS.

How can you differentiate between (a) day-to-day, normal instances of irritation and (b) signs that your wife is becoming bitter?



Bitterness builds up over time. Similar to rust, it silently eats away at the marriage. Once bitterness enters the picture, a fair amount of damage has already been done. Due to the damaging effects bitterness can have on the marriage, it’s important to recognize the signs that your wife is becoming bitter.

There are so many Asperger’s traits that can become sources of bitterness (e.g., perceived lack of intimacy, lack of empathy, problems with equal distribution of chores, lack of desire for sex, issues with friends or other family members, differences in social preferences, etc.) that it can be nearly impossible to go back and “fix” the problem(s) once bitterness has taken root. In any event, it's up to you and your wife to pinpoint the source and work on it together through open, honest communication.

Here are some signs that your neurotypical wife is feeling bitter about something:

1. An Increase in Heated Arguments— It's one thing to have day-to-day disagreements that naturally crop up in a marriage. But, when arguments become more frequent and intense, you should take time to evaluate whether something deeper is at play. If the arguments are now becoming a way for both parties to seek revenge, and things are said that are doing real damage, then the problems are clearly worsening – and even more bitterness is likely bubbling over. “Mean-spirited” arguments are a sign that the two of you are no longer engaging in communication, but have built up walls to shut the other person out.

2. Depression— All marriages have moments of sadness (e.g., dealing with job loss or the death of a loved one). But, full-blown depression is a different animal, and can mean any number of things. If your wife is feeling depressed as a direct result of her bitterness — and the hurts have piled up over time — that is a sure sign that you on well on your way to a divorce (unless you become proactive).

3. More Time Spent Apart— Withdrawal is a natural response to feeling bitter. If your wife is spending more and more time away from home, or is now sleeping in the other bedroom, then you can rest assure that bitterness is taking root.

4. No Affection— If you and your wife used to show affection, but you notice that the hugs and kisses are scarce nowadays, this is a “red flag.” It is a sure sign that the level of bitterness has escalated to the point where one or both of you has simply left the relationship in an emotion sense (even though the two of you may still be living in the same house).

5. No Anniversary Celebration— Spouses are supposed to support one another, so it can be a big slap in the face if the two of you don't show enthusiasm about celebrating your wedding anniversary anymore. It‘s extremely heartbreaking when one of the spouses “forgets” the anniversary – or even worse, when he or she consciously knows it's the anniversary, but purposely will not celebrate it. Events that were once important to both of you – but are now met with a lack of enthusiasm – it is a sign of bitterness and resentment.

6. No Hope— Your wife may have temporarily felt helpless back in the day, yet believed that there was a way to salvage things. However, now she has moved from helplessness to hopelessness. Hopelessness has much more of a feeling of gloom, because the wife becomes convinced that things will NEVER ever get better. If the two of you can't look ahead to the future with a sense of excitement for what's to come, it's a sign that there is some major bitterness revealing itself.

7. No Sex— Withholding sex can be a form of revenge for a series of perceived slights. Refusing to be intimate as a result of bitterness widens the gap between each of you and is a sure sign that the end may be in sight (unless there is an intervention of some kind).

If you've noticed any of these indicators in your marriage, then seeking professional help is greatly needed. The deeper the bitterness – and the longer your wife has experienced it – the less likely counseling will “save” the marriage. Seek the assistance of a professional counselor who is experienced and trained to help couples affected by autism spectrum disorders. The sooner you get assistance, the sooner you can limit further damage and begin to see what can be salvaged.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder


COMMENTS:

•    Of course not one Aspie has read and commented. Too self absorbed too notice. I'm there. Bitter and done. Hatching an escape plan.
•    I'm with you. I want to get in shape and start putting money in my own savings account. I should have dated him longer so I could see that being with him is like being alone.
•    This is so accurate. I loathe my husband most days. He was so perfect in the beginning, and now he just plays his pouting games. I went back to school before I figured out that he has ASD, so I am currently dependent on him. Not sure what to do. I feel so stuck and I know his brain will never work the way I want it to.
•    I have Aspergers and have an I have an NT girlfriend. I have recently learned it's important to work together as a team instead making her feel like she has to spend more energy not only taking care of her self but me as well. Due to my struggles she often did more work on house and solving problems but now I want to make sure every day that's she's not doing all the work. I'm allowing my relation and the love I have for her be an inspiration to work on the things I struggle at such as paying attention when j do things to minimize accidents, or give more effort try to figure out things myself before asking for help but also make sure I do it right and if I can't, ask for help instead of breaking something. I'm trying to listen more even when I have stuff on my kind, I learned that it's okay to put your thoughts at a later time. I try to do fun things together like watch programs we like together. I didnt realise I was not always doing that until I read some forums where I heard other NT partners express concern . If takes effort sometimes but i know a good relationship is 50/50 and now keeping that as a moto, I always knew that but now I understand that on a deeper level and my love to her and seeing her happy is worth the effort I improving on these areas that I sometimes lag on.
•    Bitterness leads to illnesses. You may think you’ve become accepting to this short changed way of existing, but your body reacts when u r emotionally drained.

Making Sense of “Odd” Behaviors in People with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Adults with ASD [High-Functioning Autism] often display advanced abilities in language, reading, mathematics, spatial skills, and music (just to name a few) – sometimes into the "gifted" range. But, this is often offset by significant problems in other areas – especially in the social realm.

This combination of strengths and weaknesses can lead to problems with spouses, and even employees. People on the spectrum appear perfectly “normal” (for the lack of a better term); however, on closer inspection, several problematic issues related to the traits associated with disorder reveal themselves. 

Here are a few of the misunderstandings associated with ASD:

Misunderstanding #1—

The autistic employee may be regarded by employers as a "poor performer." The employee’s low tolerance for what he perceives to be boring and mundane tasks can easily become frustrating for him, resulting in his refusal to complete certain tasks (or do them slowly). 
 
Consequently, employers may well consider the person with ASD to be lazy, arrogant and/or insubordinate. This “misunderstanding” often results in a “power-struggle” between the person with ASD  and his boss, and in combination with the autism-related anxieties, can result in problematic behaviors (e.g., angry outbursts, withdrawal, absenteeism, walking out on the job, etc.).



Misunderstanding #2—

Two traits often found in adults on the spectrum are “mind-blindness” (i.e., the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and “alexithymia” (i.e., the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in others). These two traits reduce the person’s ability to empathize with others. As a result, he may be perceived by partners/spouses and fellow employees as selfish, insensitive and uncaring.

Misunderstanding #3—

An issue related to alexithymia involves the inability to identify and control strong emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, etc.). This leaves the individual prone to sudden emotional outbursts (e.g., meltdowns), or bouts of withdrawal (e.g., shutdowns). 
 
The inability to express feelings using words may also predispose the autistic individual to use physical acts (e.g., destruction of property) to articulate his mood and release “emotional energy.” All of these traits may give others the impression that the person is emotionally unstable, rude, self-centered, or simply unwilling to work on relationship problems in a respectful and rational manner.
 

Misunderstanding #4—

People on the autism spectrum often report a feeling of being “unwillingly detached” from the environment (e.g., at home, work, school, etc.). They often have difficulty making friends due to poor social skills. The complexity and inconsistency of the social world can pose an extreme challenge for these individuals. Accordingly, feeling incapable of winning and keeping friends, they prefer to engage in solitary activities. As a result, partners/spouses and fellow employees often view the autistic individual as “self-absorbed” and “narcissistic.”

Misunderstanding #5—

People with ASD may be overly literal and may have difficulty interpreting and responding to sarcasm, banter, or metaphorical speech. Difficulties with social interaction may also be manifest in a lack of small talk and humor. These problems can be severe or mild depending on the person. 
 
Due to their idiosyncratic behavior, precise language, unusual interests, and impaired ability to perceive and respond in socially expected ways to nonverbal cues – particularly in interpersonal conflict – they are often the target of bullying in the workplace and branded as "odd.”

Making sense of “odd” behavior:

The obsessive-compulsive approach to life results in the narrow range of interests and insistence on set routines typical of adults on the spectrum. However, it usually starts as a cognitive (i.e., thinking) issue before it becomes a behavioral one. 
 
Cognitive issues, such as the inability to take someone else's perspective (i.e., mindblindness) and the lack of cognitive flexibility (e.g., black-and-white thinking) can cause many of the behaviors we see in these individuals. We know there is a cognitive element by looking at the autistic person's behaviors. There is always some distress, anxiety, or obsession manifested in every “inappropriate” behavior.

The ASD individual's cognitive difficulties may lead to inaccurate interpretations and understanding of the world. How someone interprets a situation determines how he will respond to it. Many times the interpretation of an event is either not an accurate one, or not one that leads to positive or prosocial actions. 
 
If the event can be reinterpreted for the person with ASD, it can lead to a more productive outcome. In doing this, partners/spouses and employees must first try to understand how the "autistic" interprets a situation. All of his behaviors are filtered through his perception of the way the world works.

More resources for couples affected by ASD: 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism



 COMMENTS:

•    I agree with everything that is mentioned above although some of the traits don't apply to me. At least I don't think they do but my employer and family may differ. I just appreciate that these traits have been identified. My employer's reaction may be, you're an adult...recognize these problems and get over them if you want to work here...if you have issues...find another job!
•    The biggest problem for me is metaphorical speech. While I take things literally at first, as soon as I realize a certain common phrase is metaphorical, I adapt quickly and from that point forward use and understand the phrase as metaphorical. Where the issue comes in is when people use a common metaphorical idiom as being literal and then scoff at me for not understanding the literal interpretation. Sigh.
•    My son, 22, has aspergers. Was diagnosed at 4 and been under the care of a physician ever since. He has trouble with all of the issues mentioned in this article. He's been trying to make a business out of his interest which requires being on social media but has encountered a mob of bullies that have been relentless for the past 2 years. It's really affecting him triggering a really bad meltdown recently. I don't know how or the best way to help the situation. When or if do I step in and help? They have already been informed he has aspergers and choose to insist that he be "normal" because he is an adult. Any advice would be awesome. 

Tips for Discouraged Neurotypical Spouses: Are You Really Married or Simply Cohabitating?

In a true marriage, there exists an "us" or a "we" factor. In other words, your spouse:

(a) is your spiritual partner or soulmate,

(b) is mostly on the same page with you on the issues of values, beliefs, parenting, etc.,

(c) is in tune with how you feel (e.g., knows when something is bothering you and inquiries about it),

(d) shares some of the same friends that you do,

(e) is a helpmate (e.g., helps around the house and/or helps pay bills, provides reassurance and comfort in your times of need, etc.).

This is in no way an exhaustive list; many other factors are equally as important.

Unfortunately, in working with couples where one spouse is affected by an autism spectrum disorder (i.e., Asperger's or high-functioning autism), I have learned that some NT (i.e, non-autistic) spouses who are considering a divorce feel that they have never had a marriage that was anything more than two people living together and meeting their individual needs.

Many of these couples have shared a home and raised kids, but they participated in those activities from an independent rather than united position (e.g., they are in close proximity to one another since they live in the same house, but are emotionally distant).



One NT partner stated that she had a difficult time admitting that her marriage of 18 years was in fact in name only, even though they had raised a child and lived under the label of wife and husband. Their son, who went off to college at age 19, seemed to be the only factor that held the relationship together. When their son “flew the coop,” a huge void became evident.

This resulted in the two of them threatening to divorce every few weeks, and they seemed to have a daily ritual of arguing. This pattern remained despite the fact that they had attended numerous “couple’s therapy” sessions. Eventually, the wife was able to admit to herself that she was neither married nor single. She stated, “I felt like I was nowhere.” This was the point at which she started the real divorce process.

If you are contemplating separation or divorce, you would do well to ask yourself the following questions:
 
 
  • Am I ready for divorce, or am I just threatening to do it?
  • Am I willing to take control of my life in a responsible fashion?
  • Can I handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?
  • Do I still have feelings for my spouse?
  • Am I simply being emotionally reactive, or is this a genuine decision based on some serious soul-searching?
  • What is my true motivation for wanting a divorce?

After answering the questions above, if you still believe that you are in a marriage that has no genuine "us" factor, then this may be a good time to either commit to learning how to do that, or admit that you never really had a marriage – and move on. Life is simply too short to just “go through the motions” of having a mutually loving, caring relationship.  


==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
 
 
Comment from a frustrated wife: 

I am wondering why I continue to research solutions when my partner is not open to actually resolving anything. Our situation is complex as I am sure all of your clients situations must be. I am tired and definitely resentful to the point where I am contemplating leaving but consider the children and the the finances as being the main reasons to continue to endure. At this point you probably can guess that I am the neurotypical female, also highly empathetic, with an undiagnosed aspergers partner. Except that he is not really a partner even after 4.5 years. We have a 2 yr old daughter and two children from prior relationships who are both 8.5 yrs old. We are in a domestic partnership and have been engaged for four years. I have not married him because of many emotional, physical, and social problems. We are a specially blended family with the added complication of a diagnosed aspergers, ocd, and gad son. His son is a huge issue because the dynamics of co- parenting have never reached a compromised equilibrium.

This is a huge disconnect with the children and my partner has been physically abusive to me, yet he refuses to admit he has a problem and even blames me for his sons meltdowns, which often trigger verbal or physical abuse towards me. I am an educated person in a cycle of domestic abuse. Any communication that occurs between us results in his stonewalling, verbal abuse, and circular gaslighting blame. His projection issues have taken a toll on my mental well being, soul, and ability to be the mother I want to be. I guess I just really needed to write this out because I know that the time we have left is calculated and will result in an eventual division. I often wonder if maybe he is actually a narcissist and does not have aspergers at all. However, I have done extensive research which has helped me understand the children that I teach as an educator, but his inability to accept his own deficits, and my attempts at communicating them have resulted in additional mental anguish and trauma for me and the children.

I suppose what I have read in your book has really been a review of the various years of research that I have done alone. And I have come to the frightening conclusion (Johann Wolfgang von goethe) that I cannot mend the relationship for both people because he is unwilling to accept any responsibility and blames or insults me when I try to communicate. I believe the verbal abuse hurts the most because it has become part of my internal dialogue and it is invisible, much like the plague of social complications that people with aspergers deal with each day. I am mentally exhausted and I suppose I know that there is no hope for our relationship because I value it as a priority, while he uses me as a crutch for life.

Overall I do believe he is very controlling and micromanaging in an obsessive manner and he projects this issue onto me. He is a passive parent and only thinks of his son with aspergers, refusing to look at the well being of the entire family. Yet I am blamed for his meltdowns and his sons. No matter how passive I am or how much I "shut my mouth" No credit is received for any attempt at adopting his laissez-faire parenting style. So I retreat and try very hard to maintain some sort of normalcy in a world crumbling into the hell that we call a home.

Your ebook would have been far more helpful to our relationship 3 years ago, but hindsight is of course 20/20. I guess I gathered the research and facts and accepted them for some time, but I suppose if a man has self-medicating issues and refuses to seek true help, there is no solution only heartache. Your book was a review, and for that I am thankful because I have seen this through to "inevitable catastrophe" Andrew Boyd...

I do want you to know that in my experience aspergers men who are single children have an inflated sense of entitlement and extreme insecurity. His rigid logic also employs chauvinism and belittling of women, including female children. He often confuses and projects his past marriage issues onto me. Yet he will pretend to be all for equality between genders publicly, while imposing  double standards and oppressive behavior privately. I believe this was learned environmentally from his doting and overly involved parents. I would love for him to employ your strategies and even sent him a copy of the ebook, but he only reads science fiction and scans every other piece of text in brevity to appease my nagging desperation.

Thank you for the review. I am sure I will reread it as needed in the future as he will always be in my life because we have a young daughter together. I hope he will read your book and seek help to understand his condition and to become a better father in the future.

How Aspie Husbands Can Avoid Arguments With NT Wives

Given an Aspergers man’s social skills deficits, arguments with his wife may be fairly frequent and intense (as compared to that of “typical” marriages). Aspie males fight with their women for many reasons, but the most prominent ones tend to be due to (a) mind-blindness and (b) difficulty with empathizing.

If you seem to always end up in a fight with your NT (i.e., neurotypical) spouse - seemingly over the most ridiculous and irrational things - then you may want to take some action before the marital bond is damaged beyond repair.



Here are a few ideas to implement that may keep arguments from starting (or from repeating):

1. Don’t be passive-aggressive. Frustrated Aspies often fall into passive-aggressive behaviors, because it is one way to avoid expressing true anger. You may think of anger as a “negative,” so instead of being honest and saying something like, "Your comment is upsetting to me," you might withdraw, become silent, engage in your “special interest” as a way to avoid discussing the issue at hand, sulk, or demean your wife by “correcting” her as if she were a child. There is always a way to express anger in a healthy way. Thus, explain that you are upset and why, using "I" statements to highlight your emotions over objective facts.

2. Use little white lies every now and then. Do you want to be rude to your wife for the sake of brutal honesty (e.g., “Dinner was terrible!”)? Then you will have another fight on your hands. Dinner may have very well tasted like crap, but you’ve got nothing to gain by saying so. And honestly, nobody cares about your opinion on the matter anyway. Keep it to yourself. Smile and tell her dinner was appetizing. Be a peace-maker rather than a trouble-maker.

3. Compliment your spouse every day. One of the major reasons for fights between spouses is that they don't feel acknowledged. Compliment your spouse regularly, and she will feel appreciated. Wives who feel appreciated are less likely to fight.

4. Create a process for resolving fights without anger. Anger often makes it hard to respond to a situation rationally. A good way to keep anger out of the equation is to take a few minutes to express your emotions when you have a misunderstanding, rather than immediately trying to “change” your wife’s viewpoint.

5. Take your spouse out on dates. A lot of disagreements result from issues that haven't been fully explored. It's very important to have a way to stay up to date and to create some kind of ritual that has the two of you talking on a regular basis. In this way, you may catch problems early BEFORE they become unmanageable.

6. Swallow your pride and learn to keep your mouth shut. There will be many opportunities for you to respond to a comment your spouse has made that will be an invitation to fight. When this happens, bite your tongue, take a hard swallow, and change the subject. Just do it!

7. Discuss new issues immediately. When you notice an issue is building up to a boiling point, do not sweep it under the rug. Rather, discuss the problem while it is still small. In this way, you can prevent a future explosion. Keeping issues bottled up means when the next disagreement occurs, you run the risk of bringing up the past, in which case, you will be fighting several battles at one time. This will make your wife feel attacked. Even small problems can lead couples to build resentment over time.

8. Know your specific triggers around fighting. Take an inventory so that you can discover what comments and situations elicit anger and quarrelsome behavior in you. List them – write them down. Then come up with an action plan so you won’t get trapped by them in the future.

9. Have a sense of humor about conflict, without discounting your wife’s viewpoint on the matter in question. Laughter can help lighten the mood in a heated situation. Spouses tend to bond over shared comical moments. Laughter can help remind you both of your shared love and passion. So, when the argument begins to dissipate, try finding some humor in the situation, which will help return a sense of normalcy to the state of affairs.

10.  Lastly, summarize what was discussed to make sure you understand. How are you both willing to work on the issue to make sure it doesn’t happen again? How does your wife feel? How do you feel? Taking a few minutes to summarize the situation after a fight can prevent it from reoccurring.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

What To Do After a Big Fight With Your Neurotypical Wife

Scenario: You’re a man with ASD (high functioning autism), and you just went off on your wife. You were extremely mad, loud, and critical. Now your wife is hurt and resentful, and perhaps firing back with her own complaints and insults. Once the dust has settled and you’re starting to feel guilty about your explosive behavior, what can you do to try to mend fences?

Here are some ideas to help:

1. First of all, allow some time to pass (at least one hour) so the both of you can calm down. Nobody resolves a fight immediately after it has occurred. Wait until you can look at the situation objectively.

2. Next, take a look at what might have caused the argument. Do some analysis and brainstorm on what you could have done differently (e.g., Do you regret anything you said or did? What triggered the fight? What was the argument over? Did it involve several issues, or just one? …and so on).

3. When reviewing the situation, remember that memories are subjective, especially under tense circumstances. Your wife is going remember certain things about the argument that may be different from your recall. That’s O.K. It doesn’t mean that anyone is lying about what happened. It's just means that high-anxiety often causes memories to be imprecise.


4. After a fight, both parties need to accept and experience their true emotions. While certain feelings are painful to experience (e.g., rage, anger, sadness, disappointment, rejection, etc.), it's important to acknowledge these feelings rather than sweep them under the rug. Trying to cut-off your emotions is synonymous with hiding them in the closet. When the next argument occurs, those pent-up emotions will rear their ugly head again.

5. People with Asperger’s tend to be very rational – almost to a fault. But, you need to understand that feelings are not always rational. That’s O.K. The two of you are entitled to an emotional response to an argument, even if that response seems illogical to you. The part of the brain that expresses emotions is not the same part that can look at things logically.

6. Next, the two of you should come up with a time to discuss the issue(s). Pick a time to discuss the situation when there will be no constrictions on time (e.g., a Saturday night). Try to have the discussion right after dinner – but before bedtime – so that hunger and drowsiness won’t interfere with the discussion.

7. When discussing the problem(s), use body language to demonstrate that you are listening and open to suggestions (e.g., don’t cross your arms or do anything that makes you look defensive, make eye contact, nod occasionally, etc.).

8. Don’t interrupt your wife when she's speaking. When she pauses, ask for clarification if she said something you didn’t fully understand.

9. When it’s your turn to speak, don’t include too many details. Instead, try to get to your main point fairly quickly. Also, ask if she understands what you're saying.

10. Use "I" statements (e.g., instead of saying, "YOU overreacted to what I said" …say something like, "I felt like my point never came across as intended”).

11. Validate your wife's emotions. Even if you don’t agree with her, try to make her feel that her emotions are justified. Allowing your spouse to feel the way she does often removes a lot of negative tension from the situation.

12. Find out where the two of you disagree. All couples have a few issues that they can’t agree on. That’s O.K. Take the fight in question as an opportunity to discover where the two of you differ (e.g., about expectations regarding time together, your sex life, lifestyle choices, etc.).

13. Next, attempt to reconcile the dispute. The two of you should get into problem-solving mode:
  • Identify the problem: This is not always as simple as it sounds. In some cases, couples may mistakenly identify the wrong source of a problem, which will make attempts to solve it unproductive.
  • Define the problem: After the problem has been identified, it is important to fully describe the problem so that it can be solved.
  • Form a strategy: The approach used will vary depending upon the situation and the couple’s unique preferences.
  • Organize information: Before coming up with a solution, organize the available information (e.g., what do we know about the problem – and what do we not know?). The more information that is available, the better prepared the two of you will be to come up with an accurate solution.
  • Monitor progress: Effective problem-solvers tend to monitor their progress as they work towards a solution. If the two of you are not making good progress toward reaching your goal(s), then reevaluate the approach or look for new approaches to the problem.
  • Evaluate the results: After a solution has been reached, it is important to evaluate the outcome in order to determine if it is the best possible solution to the problem.

Sometimes simply acknowledging that the two of you feel differently about an issue can help ease stress in the relationship. Spouses often take certain things less personally if they understand where they differ personality wise.

14. Lastly, apologize. After considering your actions and role in the fight, apologize for any offenses. Make the apology specific and sincere in order to demonstrate that you have heard and understood your wife's concerns.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

How to Make it Through the Holiday Season: Tips for Depressed “Aspies”

As odd as it may sound, sometimes the holiday season can be a source of depression, especially for individuals on the autism spectrum. Holiday depression is usually temporary and mild, but it can become serious and can linger unless some precautions are taken.

Signs of holiday depression include:
  • Changes in appetite or weight
  • Decreased energy
  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Fatigue
  • Feeling restless or fidgety
  • Feeling worthless, helpless, or guilty
  • Frequent crying
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in doing things
  • Sadness that won’t lift
  • Sleeping too much
  • Trouble concentrating

Is it possible to make it through this time of year without feeling down —and actually enjoy yourself? Yes! However, it will require (a) being proactive about sidestepping the challenges before they actually occur, and (b) self-awareness of the support you need and the situations that bring stress in your life during this time of year.

Here are some ideas to help alleviate the holiday blues:

1. Don’t feel “bad” about feeling “down.” There’s nothing wrong with not feeling cheerful. A lot of people experience the blues and feelings of loss during the holidays. So, be kind to yourself. Accept yourself no matter how you “feel” during this season.

2. Alter your expectations of the “ideal” Christmas.



3. Help others who may be feeling down during this time.  Be a good listener and encourage discussions about emotions and concerns. Acknowledge difficult emotions, including a sense of loss if family or friends have moved away or died.

4. Do something creative that is holiday-related (e.g., bake some cookies and decorate them, make a few home-made Christmas cards, etc.).

5. Focus on what is good and the things you have, rather than on what is bad and the things you don’t have.

6. Take a brisk walk in the morning before you begin the day, or in the early evening to wind down. Fresh air and sunshine (when the sun is actually shining) will boost your mood.

7. Limit or eliminate “mandatory” contact with people. True, this is a time for “get-togethers.” But, if socializing is going to make matters worse, find a solitary activity that will bring you some joy. Sometimes, there’s nothing worse than being around a group of “cheerful” people when you’re the only one who is far from feeling cheerful.

8. Practice random acts of kindness every day during this season – nothing fancy, though. Keep it simple (e.g., opening the door for someone whose hands are full of packages).

9. Only spend time with the people you REALLY want to spend time with.

10. If you’re not in the mood to socialize and have “face-to-face” contact with family or friends, then a friendly phone call, a nice e-mail, a greeting card or letter can brighten your spirits.

11. Volunteering is a great mood lifter. Contact your local United Way, or call your local school, hospital, museum, or place of worship to inquire about volunteer opportunities in your area.

12. Watch some Christmas comedies. Humor is perhaps the best mood lifter. Here are a few to consider:
  • "Bridget Jones's Diary" (2001)
  • "Elf" (2003) 
  • "Home Alone" (1990) 
  • "Jingle All the Way" (1996) 
  • "Miracle on 34th Street" (1994)
  • "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" (1989) 
  • "Scrooged" (1988) 
  • "The Santa Clause" (1994) 
  • "When Harry Met Sally" (1989) 
  • “A Christmas Story” (1983)

Spring is right around the corner. So, get some enjoyment out of the holidays, because it will soon be over with!

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

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