Are you an adult with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's? Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you struggling emotionally, socially, spiritually or otherwise? Then you've come to the right place. We are here to help you in any way we can. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile...

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30 Relationship Tips for Aspergers Men

Tired of being in the dog house? Here are some simple, yet crucial interpersonal skills for husbands (partners) with Aspergers and High Functioning Autism:

1. Be thoughtful. Do something thoughtful for your wife or partner every day. Whether it's making her a cup of coffee in the morning, sticking a surprise note in her bag, or leaving her a chocolate "kiss" on her pillow before bedtime, everyone loves a romantic surprise.

2. Create a photo album. Take pictures often; don't save the camera for holidays and special occasions. Create a visual scrapbook of your everyday life together. Better still, set the timer and pose together. You will both appreciate the warmth of the moment when you see these snapshots in an album down the road.

3. Do the unexpected. If you are a homebody who loves to just sit on the couch watching ESPN or if you spend most weekends working out in the garage, surprise your wife by going against your nature and planning a night out with her. Or, on the flip side, if you and your wife spend most weekends going out and partying with friends, plan a romantic night in with just the two of you. The most important part of this is that you actually PLAN the entire night. Don’t simply say you are going out and then hit her with, “So, what do you want to do?”

4. Do what she asks you to do. Little things she asks you do like taking out the trash means so much to her. It’s not hard and it’s the least you can do. If she always has to remind you to do these things it can anger her. You may think these things are not a big thing to her, but they mean so much. It also proves to make her feel appreciated. Doing these things she asks lets her know you really do care. If you know something means a lot to her – then do it.

5. Honor and respect your partner. Be honoring all the time. That means no "my old lady" stories. And it also means a wife shouldn't be flirting with male co-workers or other men. You can have respect without love, but you cannot have love without respect. Respect means not undermining your partner in front of the children. And don't go outside the marriage when you are having a problem. Discuss it with your partner. Respect also means not criticizing your mate in front of others.

6. If your wife has to work late or if you know she will be working through lunch and eating a bland frozen entrée from home, bring her some take-out food. Most women love when their husband remembers small things like that.

7. If your wife loves to cook, book a cooking class that you two can take together. If she is into dancing, commit to learning her favorite dance with her.

8. If you're the wife, lower your expectations a bit – and if you're the husband, step up to the plate.

9. It’s Friday night and you are going to watch a movie. Think of all the times she has sat and watched the latest action-adventure movie with you (even though she didn’t necessarily want to). Watch the movie she wants to, even if it IS the latest tearjerker.

10. Keep up your appearance. Let her see you at your best. It's ironic that we dress up to meet total strangers but let ourselves go around our nearest and dearest. Most women love to see their men clean-shaven, in great clothes and perhaps wearing a hint of her favorite cologne.

11. Lavish her with gifts. Women feel loved when you prove she is worth something to you. There is a reason behind the cliché of flowers and chocolates: It makes women feel special and valued. It is important to lavish your significant other with gifts even when it is not necessary. You should send her flowers because you love her, not because it's Valentine's Day or her birthday. Buy her a piece of jewelry for no other reason than to help her get over a severe case of "the Monday blues."

12. Let her initiate sex sometimes. When she feels loved and respected, she will be the one to initiate sex. She will respond in love as she feels loved. It’s very natural for her to be that way. Just as it is natural for you to be the way you are. Just keep this in mind that she shows her love in responding sexually. So if you make her feel loved, you will not have a problem.

13. Listen to your wife and talk to her. Communication is the first thing to go when a marriage starts to breakdown. Aspergers men need to listen to their wives. Lots of times they just want to talk about anything and for you to listen to them. If she knows your listening this goes a long way. Listening is one of the most important aspects of communication.

14. Make a list. Make a list of the special days on the calendar that you celebrate together, such as the day you met, your yearly anniversary, or even the anniversary of your first kiss. On these days make a point to spend some quality time together. Cook a special meal (or pick one up on the way home from work). Buy her a card or write her a short letter, and let her know that you didn't forget.

15. Maybe you don’t necessarily LIKE to play tennis or ride bikes, but she does. Without complaining, do one of her favorite activities with her.

16. Men may laugh about it and think it’s silly, but, yes, sometimes women really do like to just cuddle. Kiss and cuddle her to her heart’s content.

17. No woman can resist being catered to, so send your wife out for some quality time with her friends while you cook her favorite meal. Make sure you serve her meal and make sure to do the dishes afterward.

18. Reach out and touch her. Use the power of touch to make a lasting impression throughout the day. There is no such thing as not having time for a kiss goodbye in the morning or again upon reuniting at the end of the day. And an inviting warm hug or back rub at the end of a stressful day is always appreciated.

19. Stop trying to control your partner. It’s another one of those easier-said-than done relationship tips, of course. But trying to control each other — using a technique psychologists call "external control" — is the main source of marital unhappiness. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other. You have practiced this "external control" if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right. Learning not to control a partner can be a long process. Ask yourself: "If I can only control my own behavior, what can I do to help the marriage?" Then think of what you can change to make the problem better.

20. Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself physically and spiritually. That way, your stress will be down and your tolerance will be up. You'll be less likely to get on each others nerves — and to squabble. You're more likely to have a happy marriage.

21. Take note of significant things. Set something aside for her every day. It might be a newspaper article you read during your commute, a link to a website you came across, or even a story you heard by the office water cooler. She will appreciate that you took a moment to think of her during the course of your day.

22. Tell her about your moods. Be honest if you are feeling stressed or under the weather. Your woman will appreciate your honesty and will know not to take it personally when you come home in a bad mood.

23. Never underestimate the “Little Things.” Women notice the little things much more often than men, and it's the "little things" that can lead to arguments and breakups. Be intentional about your actions; don't do things for her simply because she expects it or asks you to. Hold her hand. It sounds simple enough, but many men forget this one, simple action. Even though you might not think it is a big deal, she will notice and be thankful later. Be a gentleman, and open the door for her. On date night, her hands should not touch a door handle. Rush ahead to open the car door and restaurant door. Finally, touch her. Touching can be a very sensual experience for a woman. As you're walking together, wrap your arm around her. As you're standing next to her, rest your hand on the small of her back. These simple gestures will go a long way in making her know she is attractive to you.

24. There are fewer things better than a weekend away from it all. Plan an entire weekend for just you and her. This entails booking hotel or bed and breakfast reservations, deciding on a babysitter for the children and picking out activities for you and her to enjoy.

25. Don't forget those “Three Magic Words.” Say "I love you" every day. It seems simple enough, but men forget to say it. Many men simply assume that women realize how much they are loved because of the gifts, the touching and the gentlemanly acts, but women need to have vocal reinforcement. Say it, and say it often.

26. Toast to her. Toast each other when you sit down to dinner. It doesn't need to be over bubbly or wine, but even a glass of water or iced tea. Tell her something you love about her and then drink to it!

27. Volunteer to help her. Sometimes she would like to hear you say, “I’ll put the kids to bed tonight” … or “I will do the dishes.” It’s the small things that get her attention. If you never help her, she will feel you don't care. She would like to know you are in her corner.

28. Wake up early one weekend morning and make her favorite breakfast to serve her in bed. Pair this with her favorite magazine or book she is reading and give her some time to just relax.

29. When your wife gets out of work and wants to tell you about her day, actually turn away from the television, give her your full attention and really listen to what she has to say. Ask her questions about herself and how her day was. This is not the time to offer manly advice. Rather, act as her sounding board.

30. Wives must feel loved and appreciated. Aspergers men often take for granted the relationship they have with their wives. We sometimes fail to meet their needs. They must feel loved and appreciated. It’s not enough to just show them you love them, nor is it enough to say it. You must do both. Tell your wife that all the things she does is very much appreciated as well as show her. Don't wait for birthdays and Valentine’s Day to show her.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples


  1. For me communication is important. A constant communication will make a couple more comfortable with each other. This is also the time when you get to know the likes and dislikes of each one of you.

  2. I don't know who wrote this, but so many of these things would have meant the world to me if my Asperger's husband had done even a few of the suggestions on this list. What I wonder, though, is if any Asperger's men actually read this list, or if they are willing to do any of these? My husband's so clear about how important his interests and opinions are, that he really cannot envision the importance of anything that matters to me or our children. I have finally accepted that he is just unable to think outside himself - but it has left me feeling completely neglected and alone. As long as I leave him alone to do whatever he pleases, while I take care of our home and our children, then we get along fine. But I can't do it all anymore.

    1. Dear Dream to Dance, I myself could have written exactly what you have written. My daughter has Aspergers as well as my husband , I really have had enough of being alone in this marriage and long to be loved and taken care of. My family have written me off now, so I have nowhere to go.Why is there no support for us?

    2. Hi, This could have been me that wrote your blog, plus I have a daughter as well with Aspergers, so my life is well and truly serving everyone else around here and not even being appreciated or noticed.Why is there no help for us?
      I would love a hug or someone to notice my pain and sadness.

    3. Hullo!
      *Virtual hug*
      Christ, that sounds difficult. There's not too much I can say, but you have wonderful strength and a truly brilliant personality to endure so well. I am Sperg myself, but I'll try to advise as best I can. This is going to sound cynical, but to get him to do things, you'll have to make it his while.

    4. How I agree with you. Presents? Nights out? Doing something without being asked? Empathy?. There are some good traits, but over the years my appreciation of them has been worn down. I make all the effort and all the compromises, I try to predict the flash points, and circumvent them by pandering to him. Initially he did make an effort but as soon as the objective was reached there was was no further point. There is no relationship or sense of fulfillment. I feel trapped because I know it is not his fault, and it would be cruel to leave.

    5. Oh my gosh this is almost word for word what I have been saying in my head.
      My partner of five year refuses to communicate with me and is only about himself.
      After five years I've gone around in circles listening to him push me away saying how tired and drained he is 24/7 .
      He would never read this list and take action. What he might do is listen to me read it out loud then respond with "I will never do that for you. Find someone who will."
      The truth is I did date other guys and they had their own bag of misery too. "Normal men are "simple" they make a lot of mistakes, but at least they talk and communicate and have the capacity to be emotional.
      Oh well, maybe my life lesson on earth is to be miserable with a man who wont ever talk to me and learn how to get over my needs or something.

    6. This may sound mental, but I'd really recommend it trying it, - copy and paste the list above, and email it to your aspie partner. I know it would be preferable to talk and discuss it, but there's too much risk in him feeling that it's an accusation or criticism / list of failings. He'd also be v anxious (inside) about upsetting you because he'll sense it's an important conversation immediately and that it's important to you, which he'll find stressful which will make him certain he'll mess up somehow and upset you, your relationship, and probabblyvlet himself down by getting defensive or irritated. To avoid all that, (pls trust me that I do think this will help get you where you want to) - I'd say the following : "can you help me later with something when you have time pls? I really need your help with something if you get a spare moment, and don't mind? It's just something to read that i feel will make me a lot happier and I think us a lot happier if we could give it a read - it's a list of ideas - and maybe we try some of it if it makes sense and your happy to help me." I know that sounds a bit cringing, and it's probably OTT, but I tried to phrase it in a way that would best trigger him to embrace it wholeheartedly and happily. If it's in writing he won't stress about how to respond best to keep you happy and not upset you, and he can consider and comment after he's been able to digest it. There's no time pressure so he will relax and not be stressed about a sudden surprise intrusion on his routine or expected next few hours ( I know, sounds nuts, but if you want him to actually do them, remove all stress triggers from his contemplation of it). By asking him to help you and saying it's something you feel (not think) might help make you happier and the relationship happier, and be fun too. He won't feel criticised or blamed or guilty, he will def want to help you, and he won't quibble if you pitch it as something you feel not think. You could even ask him if he thinks the list is complete of if he thinks there might be other research or studies with additional even more effective ideas? He might relish that and even add to the list (brace yourself for monologue on why what and how). And don't read the list with him. He worry again that he might say the wrong thing and hurt you, hurt the relationship. If he's able to read it alone and then later suggest additions , pick top 5 to start with, make a list / make a plan, then, well, game on! Hope that helps and makes sense

  3. Every page like this is help for both sides. I just cannot understand how any of us seeking direct phrases or things we can do to make it easier are supposed to feel there is any point when every mate describes how awful we are. It makes me think leaving would be a sign that I care...

  4. I feel your pain Emma Moorby! The only thing that helps me is my relationship with the ALL MIGHTY! My faith in Him fills the gaps left by my husband. Also, I try to follow the teachings of Jesus which, though difficult, helps a lot. I hope that gives you some hope! ;)

    1. perhaps you could take a look at the work of Maxine Aston who seems to have a way to inroad sanity and salvation into being the partner in these situations ... she has a web site and some research books/papers to help .. based in the UK mind you.

    2. So true. I believe no one can truly satisfy all the needs of the other person, except the Lord. God bless u:)

  5. No 5. Don't go outside the marriage. Oh how that hurts! My husband isn't diagnosed however having completed Prof Baron Cohen's questionnaire (Cambridge expert, UK)he has strong indicators of being on the autistic spectrum. Second marriage - step family both sides, lots of stress and rather than work with me, he turned away, couldn't cope, said he didn't know what to do, was flattered by a woman and as a distraction he had an affair on a business trip to the USA which I discovered having a sense that something was wrong. It is unbearable. He cannot cope with conflict, goes silent and withdraws in the face of my unhappiness and initially anger. He couldn't cope with Counselling - didn't know at the time but suspected his issues were asperger based. He won't do anything to help himself, occasional 'I love you', pat on the back and a hug. If I'm compliant it's ok but when I'm unhappy and challenge him he withdraws. I've had to research and work on healing myself. He thinks he has made changes but not sustained ones. It's not a relationship. If I suppress everything and keep it superficial, he'd be okay with that. I've read/researched about Aspergers and got him to read a book but that is as far as he has gone. Everything I read states that the NT has to be the one modifying and adapting. It's too much to be betrayed and then have to dance around his sensitivities. I've hung on for 2.5 years but am nearing the end of my efforts. Any suggestions?

    1. In my experience of 30 years of trying every combination, the conclusion is, as you say, suppression, keeping it simple - no demands - no questions - act like he's your brother and all will be well. It's not a compromise, it's a sacrifice. Fortunately I like my independence, but of course I'm hiding my sadness through the lack of affection and emotional connection. We have to change - not them as they simply CANNOT. We have to decide if it's worth it or to survive in our own little World too.

  6. A year on since I wrote my response, it is no longer worth staying in the marriage. I've read,researched and read and to have to suppress myself until one of us dies is unbearable whilst carrying around the scars of his infidelity. I've had health issues because of it and although I care and we have agreed to separate it's almost as though he doesn't believe it will happen so I'm making my own plans. I'm worth more. The betrayal, lies and frankly blame are sapping me of every ounce of self-worth. He's not a bad man, did a bad thing and just doesn't get it.

    1. I admire your bravery. It must have been so difficult to reach the decision you have. We know it is not their 'fault', but your life is valuable too. I wish you well, and don't look back. I hope you will be 'you' again soon, able to do things your way and not have to kowtow to keep things from getting frigid until things are done his way. I just wish I had your strength. It is true, he is not bad, but is only able to consider his own interests and that is not a healthy relationship. I am pretty sure you will not have come to your decision lightly, and I hope your health issues will resolve. When the dust is settled I suspect you will wonder why you stayed for so long. Of course you care, but there has to be something coming back from somewhere. Take care and best wishes

  7. Thank you. That means a lot. Just got to try to sell the house first!Every good wish to you. :)

    1. Did you make your escape? It takes so much courage whichever decision you made. I hope you have some resolution.

  8. It is vital to express who we are, be who we are, and say what we think. We should only change our lives because we choose to, and because we are becoming more completely the real us see here


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