Tired of being in the dog house guys?
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For me communication is important. A constant communication will make a couple more comfortable with each other. This is also the time when you get to know the likes and dislikes of each one of you.ReplyDelete
I don't know who wrote this, but so many of these things would have meant the world to me if my Asperger's husband had done even a few of the suggestions on this list. What I wonder, though, is if any Asperger's men actually read this list, or if they are willing to do any of these? My husband's so clear about how important his interests and opinions are, that he really cannot envision the importance of anything that matters to me or our children. I have finally accepted that he is just unable to think outside himself - but it has left me feeling completely neglected and alone. As long as I leave him alone to do whatever he pleases, while I take care of our home and our children, then we get along fine. But I can't do it all anymore.ReplyDelete
Dear Dream to Dance, I myself could have written exactly what you have written. My daughter has Aspergers as well as my husband , I really have had enough of being alone in this marriage and long to be loved and taken care of. My family have written me off now, so I have nowhere to go.Why is there no support for us?Delete
Hi, This could have been me that wrote your blog, plus I have a daughter as well with Aspergers, so my life is well and truly serving everyone else around here and not even being appreciated or noticed.Why is there no help for us?Delete
I would love a hug or someone to notice my pain and sadness.
Christ, that sounds difficult. There's not too much I can say, but you have wonderful strength and a truly brilliant personality to endure so well. I am Sperg myself, but I'll try to advise as best I can. This is going to sound cynical, but to get him to do things, you'll have to make it his while.
How I agree with you. Presents? Nights out? Doing something without being asked? Empathy?. There are some good traits, but over the years my appreciation of them has been worn down. I make all the effort and all the compromises, I try to predict the flash points, and circumvent them by pandering to him. Initially he did make an effort but as soon as the objective was reached there was was no further point. There is no relationship or sense of fulfillment. I feel trapped because I know it is not his fault, and it would be cruel to leave.Delete
Oh my gosh this is almost word for word what I have been saying in my head.Delete
My partner of five year refuses to communicate with me and is only about himself.
After five years I've gone around in circles listening to him push me away saying how tired and drained he is 24/7 .
He would never read this list and take action. What he might do is listen to me read it out loud then respond with "I will never do that for you. Find someone who will."
The truth is I did date other guys and they had their own bag of misery too. "Normal men are "simple" they make a lot of mistakes, but at least they talk and communicate and have the capacity to be emotional.
Oh well, maybe my life lesson on earth is to be miserable with a man who wont ever talk to me and learn how to get over my needs or something.
This may sound mental, but I'd really recommend it trying it, - copy and paste the list above, and email it to your aspie partner. I know it would be preferable to talk and discuss it, but there's too much risk in him feeling that it's an accusation or criticism / list of failings. He'd also be v anxious (inside) about upsetting you because he'll sense it's an important conversation immediately and that it's important to you, which he'll find stressful which will make him certain he'll mess up somehow and upset you, your relationship, and probabblyvlet himself down by getting defensive or irritated. To avoid all that, (pls trust me that I do think this will help get you where you want to) - I'd say the following : "can you help me later with something when you have time pls? I really need your help with something if you get a spare moment, and don't mind? It's just something to read that i feel will make me a lot happier and I think us a lot happier if we could give it a read - it's a list of ideas - and maybe we try some of it if it makes sense and your happy to help me." I know that sounds a bit cringing, and it's probably OTT, but I tried to phrase it in a way that would best trigger him to embrace it wholeheartedly and happily. If it's in writing he won't stress about how to respond best to keep you happy and not upset you, and he can consider and comment after he's been able to digest it. There's no time pressure so he will relax and not be stressed about a sudden surprise intrusion on his routine or expected next few hours ( I know, sounds nuts, but if you want him to actually do them, remove all stress triggers from his contemplation of it). By asking him to help you and saying it's something you feel (not think) might help make you happier and the relationship happier, and be fun too. He won't feel criticised or blamed or guilty, he will def want to help you, and he won't quibble if you pitch it as something you feel not think. You could even ask him if he thinks the list is complete of if he thinks there might be other research or studies with additional even more effective ideas? He might relish that and even add to the list (brace yourself for monologue on why what and how). And don't read the list with him. He worry again that he might say the wrong thing and hurt you, hurt the relationship. If he's able to read it alone and then later suggest additions , pick top 5 to start with, make a list / make a plan, then, well, game on! Hope that helps and makes senseDelete
Every page like this is help for both sides. I just cannot understand how any of us seeking direct phrases or things we can do to make it easier are supposed to feel there is any point when every mate describes how awful we are. It makes me think leaving would be a sign that I care...ReplyDelete
I feel your pain Emma Moorby! The only thing that helps me is my relationship with the ALL MIGHTY! My faith in Him fills the gaps left by my husband. Also, I try to follow the teachings of Jesus which, though difficult, helps a lot. I hope that gives you some hope! ;)ReplyDelete
perhaps you could take a look at the work of Maxine Aston who seems to have a way to inroad sanity and salvation into being the partner in these situations ... she has a web site and some research books/papers to help .. based in the UK mind you.Delete
So true. I believe no one can truly satisfy all the needs of the other person, except the Lord. God bless u:)Delete
No 5. Don't go outside the marriage. Oh how that hurts! My husband isn't diagnosed however having completed Prof Baron Cohen's questionnaire (Cambridge expert, UK)he has strong indicators of being on the autistic spectrum. Second marriage - step family both sides, lots of stress and rather than work with me, he turned away, couldn't cope, said he didn't know what to do, was flattered by a woman and as a distraction he had an affair on a business trip to the USA which I discovered having a sense that something was wrong. It is unbearable. He cannot cope with conflict, goes silent and withdraws in the face of my unhappiness and initially anger. He couldn't cope with Counselling - didn't know at the time but suspected his issues were asperger based. He won't do anything to help himself, occasional 'I love you', pat on the back and a hug. If I'm compliant it's ok but when I'm unhappy and challenge him he withdraws. I've had to research and work on healing myself. He thinks he has made changes but not sustained ones. It's not a relationship. If I suppress everything and keep it superficial, he'd be okay with that. I've read/researched about Aspergers and got him to read a book but that is as far as he has gone. Everything I read states that the NT has to be the one modifying and adapting. It's too much to be betrayed and then have to dance around his sensitivities. I've hung on for 2.5 years but am nearing the end of my efforts. Any suggestions?ReplyDelete
In my experience of 30 years of trying every combination, the conclusion is, as you say, suppression, keeping it simple - no demands - no questions - act like he's your brother and all will be well. It's not a compromise, it's a sacrifice. Fortunately I like my independence, but of course I'm hiding my sadness through the lack of affection and emotional connection. We have to change - not them as they simply CANNOT. We have to decide if it's worth it or to survive in our own little World too.Delete
A year on since I wrote my response, it is no longer worth staying in the marriage. I've read,researched and read and to have to suppress myself until one of us dies is unbearable whilst carrying around the scars of his infidelity. I've had health issues because of it and although I care and we have agreed to separate it's almost as though he doesn't believe it will happen so I'm making my own plans. I'm worth more. The betrayal, lies and frankly blame are sapping me of every ounce of self-worth. He's not a bad man, did a bad thing and just doesn't get it.ReplyDelete
I admire your bravery. It must have been so difficult to reach the decision you have. We know it is not their 'fault', but your life is valuable too. I wish you well, and don't look back. I hope you will be 'you' again soon, able to do things your way and not have to kowtow to keep things from getting frigid until things are done his way. I just wish I had your strength. It is true, he is not bad, but is only able to consider his own interests and that is not a healthy relationship. I am pretty sure you will not have come to your decision lightly, and I hope your health issues will resolve. When the dust is settled I suspect you will wonder why you stayed for so long. Of course you care, but there has to be something coming back from somewhere. Take care and best wishesDelete
Thank you. That means a lot. Just got to try to sell the house first!Every good wish to you. :)ReplyDelete
Did you make your escape? It takes so much courage whichever decision you made. I hope you have some resolution.Delete
It is vital to express who we are, be who we are, and say what we think. We should only change our lives because we choose to, and because we are becoming more completely the real us see hereReplyDelete