I was let's say in the same situation as Robert 15-20 years ago. My wife gave me signals, but I did not get it. Only my wife said she felt she did not know me. Still I did not get the message. We have three children, grownups by now. I was very silent, and did not respond in the way I should. I did not know how to respond when she was not content with something. I was not indifferent. I thought she could sense that. But she didn't. She interpreted my silence as uncaring. Every timee she shared something that needed a caring response, my silence made another wound that turned into a scar. A year ago she stopped sharing. And about the same time the idea occurred that I probably had Aspergers. That would explain a lot of things. But now it is too late she says. The wounds and the scars are too many, and the fear of getting another is blocking any solution. Still I hope to my Savior that there will be a solution. I just talked about it with our youngest son. He had just come from a seminary at his church about marriage. And one of the things he brought with him was that marriage is about grace. In a marriage we always make mistakes, one after the other. And we have to confess and ask for forgiveness. This is so true. But for myself, there are so many things I did not even know I did wrong. And it just continued. From a human point of view, it is too late. Now I have been reading most of this Chat for Adults, with testimonies and comments and advices. It has been very helpful. And I am praying and talking with people to get som input and help. Still I have not the final diagnoses, but i act as if I have. If anyone has a useful comment to my situation that they think will help me, I am more than open, and would be thankful.
As a wife of a man with aspergers, my insight would be that actions speak so much more than words. If you were to get an official diagnosis and were actively getting treatment (counseling by someone that has the right expertise, reading books, watching videos, attending support groups if available, etc...) then your efforts and sharing what you have learned may soften her stance. I cannot speak for your wife, but as someone who has felt uncared for because of my husband's wiring, every time I see him TRY I know my marriage is not hopeless. It is his efforts that renew my commitment. Best luck to all of you.
Thank you ever so much for taking the time to give a resonse! "actions speak so much more than words". "Efforts and sharing". I will try and see how I can apply that. :)