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How to Stop Condemning Yourself: Tips for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

Self-condemnation is when an individual has an extreme dislike of - or terrible rage against - oneself. This can occur at either a conscious or unconscious level. Self-condemnation is typically caused by the notion of “not being worthy of” something desired.

This phenomenon may grow from other roots as well, for example:
  • Shame is an emotion where you hate yourself instead of your mistakes. When you feel shame, you feel as if your every move is wrong, and soon you feel self-condemnation for feeling that way. With shame, you believe that you are a mistake. Shame keeps you immobilized because of your fear of being wrong.
  • Perfectionism is where people want things to be better than they are. However, they soon reach a point where nothing is good enough. When they get criticized, or when something they have done is criticized, they feel like they have failed. They hate themselves for not being “perfect.”
  • People can easily begin thinking bad things about themselves if they notice they don’t fit the mold of society or their family’s expectations. And society usually won’t tell them anything different about themselves.
  • An individual might be “different,” or they might have some bad circumstances in their life that causes them to not be able to develop quality relationships. Others notice this strangeness, and insensitively point it out to the person or mock them.

How To Stop Condemning Yourself—

If you had someone in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have told them to “go to hell” a long time ago. Self-condemnation is the polar opposite of self-love and high self-esteem. How can you heal yourself from hating yourself? Here are some important tips:

1. Be patient with your “self” as you learn to love yourself in the same way that God loves you. This change in perspective will not happen overnight.

2. If there is something about yourself that you don’t like, change it. But never change for others.

3. Think happy thoughts. This takes work, but you can - and must - change your own stream of consciousness if you hate yourself. Easier said than done, but re-program your mind to have a constant stream of positive self-talk. 

4. Identify guilt-inducing thoughts and beliefs. Notice any thoughts that tend to recur. Listen to your self-talk. Note if these thoughts are legitimate guilt (e.g., "I shouldn't have yelled at my wife like that") or false guilt (e.g., "If I hadn't yelled at her, she wouldn't have gotten hurt. It's my fault she is hurt").

5. Jot down recurring themes like, "I'm dumb" or "I can't do anything right." Does it sound like a critical parent or a loving friend? You may be carrying the voice of a condemning mother or father with you long after he or she is gone, and replacing it with your own critical voice.

6. Learn to accept feeling love for yourself. The only way to be able to receive and accept love from others is by loving yourself first.

7. Make note cards with self-affirmations about your inherent worth. Repeat them to yourself often. Make cards that deal with specific situations (e.g., "I’m worth being loved" or "I’m valuable enough to be in quality relationships").

8. Release past pain. If can’t find a way to let go of the pains of the past, of rejection by others, of hurt and injustice, of loss and sorrow, you will inevitably not want to live your life as you are – filled with pain. This is only normal and natural.

9. Tell yourself the truth about you. Are you basically kind, courageous, honest, intelligent, etc.? Speak words such as, "I may make mistakes from time-to-time, but I’m a kind and loving person who deserves good things in life."

10. Talk to yourself in the same way you would a good friend. Give yourself grace and forgiveness. Say things such as, "Most people would get upset in that situation" or "Anyone could make a mistake like that."

11. Overcome perfectionism. The trick is to know when to be “all or nothing” and when to relax and see the shades of gray so you can give yourself and others credits for the effort and the attempt.

12. Don't punish yourself any longer. Whenever you think or say a negative thought about yourself (e.g., “I’m not good enough”), know that you are attempting to “punish” yourself. You may have come to the point where you’re not speaking negative things about yourself, but you are still thinking them, which continues to have negative effects in your life. So, stop punishing yourself with thoughts of self-condemnation. You don’t deserve that kind of treatment – regardless of any hurts you may have inflicted on others in the past.

As one man with AS states: "It's so easy to get caught up in this type of mindset, especially when you don't know the reason why it seems like everything you do fails. I tend to think one of the most important reasons to seek out an Asperger's diagnosis is to help understand that the mistakes you were making were because of something beyond your control. That isn't to say you can turn around and blame everything that has ever gone wrong on your life on Asperger's, but you at least have a starting point on where you can start to change."

The only thing wrong with you is your self-condemnation. It’s wrong for you to hate yourself!  Change your thoughts about yourself!!  Start now!!!

More Resources:

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder 

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

1 comment:

  1. I'd leave me if I could. I don't even like being around me. Not surprising others don't.


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