Comment:
I've been married to a man with aspergers for 35 years and he has sucked the life from me. There is no cure for this condition and it will never get any better. I've grown to utterly despise him, and then, of course, hate myself for despising him because he ‘can't help it’. I know this sounds terribly resentful on my part. But my advice to all women neurotypicals married to Aspies: It does NOT get better - it gets worse! Get out early while you can have a life. You're not doing anyone any favors - your Aspie husband and not yourself. You will end up regretting not having a life. Let your Aspie husband find an Aspie wife. You find a neurotypical husband. Living with an Aspie husband is living with an abusive husband. Period. Do you want to be a victim of abuse? Get out early.
Response:
You’re right! This does sound terribly resentful on your part. But, if you’re being honest (and it sounds like you are), then you’re entitled to feel what you feel. And I’m sorry to hear that it has come to this point where you are so deeply hurt – perhaps beyond repair. So, rather than defend your Asperger’s husband, I would simply like to validate what you have said and what you have been feeling.
If you find that some people are critical of you for saying what you said here, and for feeling the way you do now, then they haven’t been through a similar challenge – they have no frame of reference and truly do not understand your pressures. They can’t imagine being in your situation. As a result, they may tend to minimize your predicament, asserting that the problem is your attitude and resentment-level rather than your husband’s "hurtful" behavior (which may very well be unintentional on his part – after all, he still has a “disorder”).
If you've repeatedly confronted your Asperger’s husband about his behavior and things haven't improved, you need to draw a line to accept that you've done as much as you possibly could to improve relations with him. There's no more thought that you need to give to the situation. Don't overanalyze your behavior or his. He may truly WANT to “change,” but may be unable to meet your needs due to his disorder. So, move on with your life and restore your sanity. Stop beating up on yourself for feeling the way you do. In this way, I believe you will be able to heal and let go of resentment.
Let me share what one neurotypical wife said about how to cope with an Asperger's husband (who at one time was feeling similar to how you feel now):
“I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is my life in a nutshell. One thing that helps me is to write my thoughts and feelings down, then have him read them. This gives me time to calm down and think about how I want to say something. Also, you need to give logical reasons for things, at least I do. For example:
'I need you to take out the trash because I'm cooking dinner' ... 'It upsets me when you ignore me for video games because it makes me feel like you'd rather play games than be married to me. I'm asking for help because I can't do everything myself' ... 'You cook, I clean. This is our agreement' ... 'You can't be around chemicals, so you have to sweep, vacuum, and do the laundry.'
Getting emotional usually frustrates and/or shuts my husband down. Once I learned to take a step back, breathe, and think of a reasonable argument in a calm, low tone, things got SO much better. I'm a hot-tempered Texan, so it's not 100%. Ask him what he needs. That really changed my relationship.”
There's always hope. Please remember that :)
Best of luck!
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
I'm living this. Twenty-eight miserable years of marriage.
ReplyDelete23 years with undiagnosed asd husband , 2 asd kids and 2 nt kids. It’s a nightmare and Im not supposed to complain. Who would listen or have time to care? Oh I knew what my husband was like before we got married but didn’t know it was asd.. the stresses of work, life, kids etc seem to have exacerbated his ‘symptoms’. I went through periods thinking he hated me, or he was narcissistic but only through kids diagnosis did i come to realise he is autistic. It gives me some understanding as to why he behaves the way he does but on the other hand I feel hopeless. This is him and I have to accept it. He won’t change and I’m stuck . He loves me but I have no emotional support from him. There’s so many things missing from our marriage . I feel to blame because I chose him but I’m tired . And poor kids left with two inadequate parents.
DeleteHello, since you are leaving a comments for an old article I thought I’d reply. I feel this comment made me feel not alone. You basically summed up my life in a very well written paragraph. I felt heard reading this so wanted to thank you. I’m married with two kids to an Aspergers husband. He expects so much out of me, especially because I was the one who “diagnosed” him. I feel depleted, defeated, depressed, alone … but I’m trying to keep it together for my kids. Life is so hard. There are so much resources out there for parents of kids on the spectrum and very little for spouses. So I guess people in our situation have to google search things and hope to come across something that makes us feel temporarily.
DeleteHang in there! Sending out a big hug :)
Wow, this is my life! During the pandemic, I was so excited that my husband got to be home from his big law job to be with me and our two daughters. It quickly turned into a nightmare. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. He was so different. He was so mean whereas before he had been so sweet, so sickly sweet, almost obsequious. That all changed he became absolutely horrific and cruel, and stubborn and emotionally and psychologically abusive and then that became physical. We are now separated. I have thought he was a covert narcissism. Or brain damage/head injury. And I thought he has Asperger’s since his brother has it. His brother has been a monster to me for 25 years. And that’s another thing that happened. I drew the line in the sand and told him his brother could no longer treat me like that and the consequence was that I was not going to his brothers wedding. Wow that did it. My husband told me to shut the fuck up, and his brother could do whatever he wanted to me . It has been a freaking nightmare. I have no choice now but to divorce him after 25 years, and I never thought I’d be in this position. But he took his mask off big time.
DeleteI am in the same boat as original OP. Sending virtual hugs and hoping we all find ways to cope and be happy...with or without them.
DeleteInteresting reading all the different comments. I totally understand the loneliness, the frustration, the emotional fatigue of being married to someone that is neurodiverse. After almost 40years together I now need to concede defeat. It does not miraculously improve. If anything the experiences of life e.g bereavement make it so much more difficult.
DeleteMy advice to my younger self - don’t do it. Do not marry him. Those idiosyncratic behaviours are not endearing they are red flags. Marriage to a NT man would have its own challenges, as all marriages do, but life would be lived in technicolour rather than in the grey egg shell treading way it has been. All advice columns talk about is how the NT partner has to be understanding and has to modify their behaviour. I am the one expected to make all the compromises. I know neurodiversity is being wired differently so cannot be helped, in which case the only advice is that which has already been given - RUN!
I relate a lot to the OP and many of the replies. Clearly people are different, aspie or not, so there is no one blanket rule that applies to all, but I have been shocked to see how much other women's experiences have in common with mine. There are a lot of women suffering abuse in these marriages.
DeleteI see it on a FB support group for women married to aspies and I see it here. But there are not many places we get to share our experiences and frustrations, grief and loss, anger and our perspective. There arent a lot of places it's ok to say you don't WANT to stay and keep trying or that you have left. I have only found that one group and this chat thread here so far.
When I google the issue I just get tonnes of stuff bigging up and supporting aspies; seeing things from their perspective, and advising and encouraging neurotypicals to understand, adapt and tolerate and to celebrate the aspies. I looked for books about surviving and leaving this situation and found nothing. The nearest I could find were about surviving narcissistic abuse, and I think the experience is very similar.
And even here in this thread, where exhausted, worn down, desperate, destroyed people are finally getting to say their piece and share the hell they have been through...as if to recreate the experience the OP is talking about, people come out of the woodwork to shut them down. They tell the OP and others of us who aren't happy in our marriages or have left, that we are being too negative or emotional or only have ourselves to blame and are at fault for marrying them and not getting out sooner.
Well, I'm sorry if it isn't a fashionable thing to say, but a lot if these relationships ARE abusive and denying that is gaslighting and victim blaming. Accusing people stuck in or escaping from domestic abuse of being too negative or of whining or of doing it to themselves is joining in with the abuse. Positivity is great in its place but toxic positivity is not helpful. Nor is gaslighting. And throwing victims under the bus or brushing them under the rug to save the feelings of abusers because they happen to be neurodiverse is wrong. And it is enabling of wrong behaviour and not helping people to get out of or change those situations.
2) People have to recognise if they are in a bad situation, not paper over the cracks and pretend it's all ok for fear of offending or being too negative. Recognising is the first step to doing something about it. And that can be a slow process, as it can be in any unhappy or abusive relationship. And such a relationship does things to you that make it harder to see the truth and and act on it, like whittling away your confidence and filling you with self doubt. The development of the abuse is also a slow process that creeps up on you as the mask slips and the stresses and demands of life increase.
DeleteIt absolutely IS abuse. To suggest it isnt abuse because there is allegedly no intent is wrong. It's a complex issue how much any abuser intends to abuse or is conscious they are doing so. Most abusers feel that they are in the right and justified. They don't see themselves as abusers. To suggest that some men with aspergers don't realise they are controlling the other for their own benefit regardless of the cost is wrong. They are not that pure and innocent. Lots of tactics are used. Lots of games are played. Lots of intentional lying and gaslighting happens.
If the argument is that they know not what they do because they dont have proper empathy, the same can be said of narcissists.
3) Even those who coach ND/ NT couples and advocate staying together and working on it usually stipulate that both partners have to be willing and trying to change and make it work, but that is not always the case. The women I talk to have usually been trying everything they can pushing themselves to the limits of endurance and twisting themselves out of shape trying to accommodate, tolerate, see the other side and they have got nothing but heartache and disregard back in return. We are taught that we need to compromise and work at it.
DeleteAnd the same realisation comes to many of us at the end of it all...that we have lost ourselves or made ourselves so small, so quiet, so invisible that we hardly exist at all. Because we have learned that to exist is to offend. We have somehow been trained despite ourselves by the drip drip drip effect of reactions of offense and disapproval and worse to our normal human behaviour, emotions and needs that we are the problem.
We are the ones being pathologised, othered, condemned and rejected as weirdos, not the aspies. Being social beings we do care if we offend and try to adjust ourselves to be less offensive. And having normal human reactions ourselves we will be aware of our flaws and willing to accept that we may have done wrong or could improve what we do in some way. But we are faced with someone who won't do that. It is confusing. It is demoralising. It takes some unpacking. And we feel love. And we attach too.
If we grew up in critical, abusive or emotionally illiterate families, then we will be even less alert to the red flags, even more susceptible to putting up and shutting up. If we grew up in critical, abusive or emotionally illiterate families, then we will be even less alert to the red flags, even more susceptible to give the benefit of the doubt, even more unwilling to just cut and run.
4) And without a diagnosis or any self awareness on the part of our aspie partner, we have no idea in many cases what the problem is or that many things will never change. It takes many of us years and years to work it out. My heart breaks for all the women here and elsewhere who say they have been caught in this hell for ten, twenty, thirty, forty years. Lives lost.
DeleteFor me it is 25 years. I have done my time. I have tried everything. I really continued to believe that we could turn it around, develop, grow together, evolve into a happy marriage. I only finally realised that was never going to happen about a year ago, because I started journaling and seeing more of my own perspective and experience and realised how bad it was. I had been slowly browbeeaten and brainwashed, shamed too, a lot. My emotions had been used against me.
And only this year did I work it out about the Aspergers by chance, and start getting the lightbulb moments. That just confirmed my resignation that nothing would change and this would never be a meaningful healthy relationship as I knew it. It also highlighted how much I had been scapegoated, blamed, put down, gaslighted, damaged, erased, in the name of someone else's denial and need to be perfect and need to be in control and in the name of their phobia of emotions.
Yes, having the life sucked out of you sounds about right.
I want out. I never want another 'romantic' relationship again. I still have some life left and I want to be able to be happy and free and me. It will take yet more time because of kids and finances, but I now see light at the end of the tunnel.
If you have no sympathy with this or just find it irritating, fine. But in that case you have little emotional intelligence or sensitivity and you are part of the problem. And that is going to damage those around you. Please at least don't marry or have supposedly close relationships with neurotypical people. Don't see the bright canary outside and think it would be a nice thing to collect and put in a cage. Be with people like you whose needs and preferences are similar so you can be happy together instead of destroying other people.
But in any case, this is for the other women like me, who will understand and will take comfort from the rare validation of hearing from someone else going through the same and sharing solidarity.
In some cases with some people maybe it works well and they can be happy, but in my case and in that of many others it is like two different species being thrown together and trying to find a habitat and way of being that suits them both. It doesnt exist, and only misery and discomfort can follow.
And, as one is more dominant, more rigid and less accommodating, it will be the NT person who makes all the sacrifices bit by bit, until she spends her life like the mythical mermaid who goes to live on the land for love. Until she wises up, she will spend her life walking on knives for the sake of another.
I would concur with the advice of the OP. Run. Get out. Walk away. Swerve. Don't do it. Dont waste your energy. Dont waste your time. Don't waste your life
I concur! 💯 So well said. 35 years here.
DeleteVery well said and I agree 100%.
DeleteThank you so much for this. You worded it so eloquently and accurately. 23 years here. I'm so exhausted and depleted. I don't even recognize myself anymore.
DeleteAmazingly written i feel like i am not alone anymore
DeleteWhat you described is my life. I've been married to the same man for almost 47 years and it has never been easy. He has not been diagnosed and would never go to a Doctor for a diagnosis but the signs are all there. We are retired and I literally can not stand this man but feel stuck in this marriage. He is argumentative about everything and I feel overridden about even the smallest of things. I can not say anything without him over talking me or disagreeing. I am not a weak person in fact I've always been a strong person but I can not stand up for myself without him getting mad. He has to be in control. I am miserable, sad and lonely. I am exhausted from the arguments that start in the morning and don't end until he goes to bed. This is not living this is hell. I'm 68 and I don't see a way out of this mess of a marriage.
DeleteMy husband has multiple sclerosis and we are having him tested for Asperger’s . He has gotten alot of slack because of the MS , I have always taken care of everything. We are together 17 yeas, but things have gotten so much worse. I came across the AS info and it’s spot on. I’ve had enough, but have so much guilt about leaving. But I have no happiness or quality of life. I just turned 65 , he is 58 . I’m exhausted.
Deletethis also happens to men too, aspergers isnt gender specific, we told as men to protect, and be patient, maybe its a women thing, trust me big difference between women being on period and women with aspergers, in the end for health of kids and my own sanity ( i'm not kidding I fell into major depression and suicidal thoughts ) we had to separate, now after 8 years as we co parent, she like i think I got aspergers ...as the woman above said it best, aspergers people are fine if you live in their world, but try to live a bit of yours or the outside they go crazy, it's just not compatable for neither party, or else you walking on egg shells 247 this is the truth.
DeleteI’m a bit different with a wife dx with ASD. She was dx ASD 8 years and three kids into our marriage. Her quirks and personality traits began to make much more sense and I thought I could support her with this new understanding. Then the mask came fully off. She criticizes almost everything I do, often has a demeaning comment, and constantly shares why her way is the “superior logic”. She claims to see the world in a more logical way and is just so incredibly difficult to live life with. I used to think it was all anxiety and if I could just make her feel safe and support her, provide her life with peace we could build a nice life together.
DeleteShe can’t work because of physical illness and not being able to get along with mangers and coworkers. She will often misinterpret someone’s tone or communication and take offence. Then it’s a grudge til the end of time. Very rarely forgiveness. My brother made a comment once and then she doesn’t feel safe and we can never see them again. It’s like all the characteristics of an abusive relationship but called ASD so I should just accept or be labeled “ableist”.
I work full time and a part time job to support all of our families financial needs and get picked apart when I am at home. Sometimes she will be nice but often dominates the conversation and god forbid I don’t share her point of view on something. She will jump down my throat and berate me with “superior logic”. It’s exhausting and I feel myself distancing from her to avoid her personality. I can’t move anything in the house because of her need for sameness, I can’t make any decision unless I check in with her first because if it’s different from what she planned it’s a meltdown. I don’t do the dishes right. I don’t do the laundry right. I don’t clean right. I don’t parent right. I’m disgusting. I have to change my socks like 3 times a day because of her smell sensitivity. I sleep on the couch in the basement full time because sharing a bedroom with her need for sameness is just impossible. It’s her world and we all just live in it.
She wasn’t like this when we met and fell in love. Maybe I fell in love with the masking. I’m not quite sure. I love my kids, I love my house and my job. I love almost all aspects of my life but ever since my wife got her dx she is a different person. What do I do? If I leave to get peace and be the best father I can for my kids I will be paying my wife 70% of my income and living in a rooming house with the way rent prices are. I’ll probably just stay and grind this out because leaving just seems like a gateway to hell. It’s a shit life either way.
I've been with my Asp for 8 years and met him on the rebound from a 32yr NT marriage. I'd never heard of asperger's and he was undiagnosed. I very quickly saw the red flags but just thought they were problems he was having due to a difficult employer. Eventually after much research I realised what the real problem was, and after a lot of anger from him (how dare I suggest he had autism!) he was diagnosed about 5 years ago. My life since then has been hell. I want to leave but he attempted suicide last year which stopped his heart and he nearly died, and I'm scared leaving will cause him to do the same again. We also have a rescue dog that I love dearly, who is terrified of him when he has his moods and meltdowns, but she's really his dog as we got her as a therapy dog for him (not just that as we both love animals). I don't feel I could leave him AND take her from him (he would happily set the police on me if I tried to do so anyway - he had a former partner arrested at the hospital where she worked due to a financial matter). He lost his well paid job after a couple of years and hasn't worked since. We are both 61 and I have my own health problems, but last year had to find work again after not working for 5 years because he was the one supposed to be finding a job and me looking after the home/dog due to a severe back problem. Since the suicide attempt I know he will never work again.
DeleteThe above statement is a brilliant description of the problems of living with an Aspie partner, and if you can get out now, then please do so, as the longer you stay the harder it gets to either live with them OR to leave.
I totally agree with you 100%. Jesus Christ has gotten me through a lot of this, otherwise I would feel completely void and empty having gone through this for 20 years. Jesus created all to have empathy and have a relationship with him. Neurodiverse in terms of behaviors that create bondage is a lie. This is an evil presence that strips a person of humanity and tries to "destroy" those around. When someone has an "identity" that "steals, kills, destroys, mutilates, and leaves destruction in its wake, it is evil.
DeleteMy ASD husband of 35yrs manages to mask as Mr Nice Guy to everyone but me. I left him for 6 months in 2015 to live in a rental after his anger and an awful trauma with our son - also ASD - only for me to take pity on him after it made him depressed. He then took over the rental and went to therapy. He ends that therapy this week...after EIGHT years...yet despite all that his behaviour is only 25-30% more bearable. I have a background of abuse and the comments about missed red flags during courtship rang true. We were then in a church setting and never lived together so that also meant I had no idea what tragedy lay ahead. Now I've turned 60...I have no idea what I'll do...I've become obese and only now just beginning to take care of me...you don't live with an ASD partner..you can only live alongside them like they're a very challenging and distant housemate...
DeleteI so agree with above. I have a 22 year old Aspie son who has been sucking the live out of me and my marriage for the last 15 years. "Normal" child and teen meltdowns have escalated into full blown assaults on me and my husband leaving us with broken bones and bruises. I hate my situation and I wish I could just walk away and leave the constant yelling, verbal abuse and unfair demands behind. We had to call in the police last week after he kicked down two doors, trashed his bathroom and knocked out two big windows. My advise to you is to get out while you can ..... life is not meant to lived like this.
ReplyDeleteThank you,Suffering 10 yrs marraige
DeleteAsk God to deliver your son. Pray against the evil spirit that either oppresses or possesses him. It is a problem. Again, if it's destruction, it's evil and meant to be dealt with just like any vice or problem that destroys people and those around them.
DeleteIf the person is so bad, why did they marry them in the first place? It's not like aspergers switches on after marriage.
ReplyDeleteAsperger spouse have learned how to mask their condition all of their lives. My husband was totally different before our marriage and soon after we got married he suddenly started to live on his computer and was and still is obsessed with social groups, interest groups, and chats. He even fooled the therapist we went to because he is an extremely intelligent man. No aspergers does not switch on after marriage but a smart aspie can mask his/her condition to get what they want.
DeleteNot to mention it does get worse with stress. Once you're married and have bills, mortgage and children it becomes far too much for a lot of Aspies to handle
DeleteI am a 51-year-old Aspie. I was able to mask the condition for years. It was not an intentional thing, my wife and I were so busy with going to school and careers and raising for children that the condition masked itself. It wasn't until two of our children were out of the house that the condition really started to reveal itself. We were not as busy so we had more time interacting with each other which caused a lot of stress and anxiety in our marriage . Also, at the same time I had a lot of stress and anxiety in my work so when I came home I basically hid in another room away from my wife and children.
DeleteMasking. Adding children. Adding responsibilities. All of that makes the symptoms rear their head. My husband told me that dating was exhausting for him, but he didn't want to screw it up, so he tried to act as normal as he could.
DeleteMy Aspie husband literally changed on our wedding day. He changed so much that I was certain his body had been inhabited by alien life. We've been divorced 30 years and it was the best thing I ever did.
DeleteMy husband hid it for 3 years ,13 years now of HELL
DeleteGod doesn't intend anyone to have to "mask" or let a weakness destroy the person or those around them. Asking God to give the person empathetic skills. We are supposed to have empathy. If you don't have empathy, ask God and He will give it to you if you truly want it. No excuses.
DeleteReally people? As one with aspergers let me say... Stop your whining. Do what you need to do but don't blame your partner. He or she didn't kidnap you (I hope). And get out. Get a life. Get a job or a lover or whatever. I've dealt with neurotypicals so long and frankly you guys sure like to whine. Your spouse with aspergers probably will not miss you much and your leaving will allow them a chance to find the right person. Shesh. Get a life.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, but we make statements such as yours that are highly inflammatory and offensive to NTs
DeleteWell coming from a woman who has been with a man with Asperger's for 30 years 20 of those married always knew something was off and thought it was his rough upbringing but loved him despite all of this he had a meltdown today and that's why I've been reading through these posts but I agree the grass is not always greener on the other side being with an aspie I know I am his everything and I know that he doesn't mean it when he says mean things think can't control his temper he has never been physical with me but if he ever was I would have walked out the door so I think we all choose our beds there are plenty of non aspy husbands out there that can make your life miserable as well... I won't give up on my husband or my marriage.I think you shouldn't blame all your marital issues on asbergers... sometimes they are just what they are marriage is hard no matter who you are
DeleteHi Lisa
DeleteI will comment on your thoughts in the next few days. But for a start the difficulty or A difficulty is that I forget the reason for her behaviour when an incident happens----at the time it just feels like unintelligent rude anti social behaviour-----then I realise she can't help it--doesn't even know it is unacceptable to others
I feel the same way.
DeleteTo your remark, Barbara Dillon
DeleteLet them find the right partner? And you said we are just winning? I feel you have no idea what how it feels to be on the other side. There is a helpless feeling in not knowing how to be do or say the right things to your partner as your needs are never met. I felt it was all me,my fault in some way.why didn't he return my affections or comfort me or protect me when or if someone hurt or was out of line.I am devastated,depressed and alone. Lori
Lori you’re a million percent right. Exactly how I felt. Destroyed self after such a loveless marriage.
DeleteTypical aspie comment not thoughtful or feeling
DeleteBeing self-absorbed is a problem BJ and not validating others often goes along with this problem. People with Aspergers need to get rid of destructive qualities that go hand in hand with autism. Whether you have autism or not, sin/self-absorption/pursuing ungodly desires need to go. If you seek God, a lot of these traits will disssipate or mitigate. If you put God first, others second, and yourself last, it would solve a lot of problems. God created us to have a relationship with him, put our faith and trust in Him, and turn from sin. This is for everyone. Otherwise, you will become hardened and a shell of who God intended you to be whether you have autism or not.
DeleteAs a wife to an Aspie, I don't agree at all with your advice of getting out while you can. My relationship with my husband is unique, fun, filled with laughter and incredibly deep love. I am a therapist, and my husband has given me so many gifts as I have him. He's taught me to see things less emotionally and more logically. He's taught me to be more self-reliant. He has taught me to communicate directly instead of playing games. He has even taught me to laugh again (and we laugh daily!).
ReplyDeleteOur marriage hasn't been easy, but, for someone who was married to a NT before, I can say that I have grown in so many incredible ways because of my Aspie husband. My husband isn't like most men, and, for that, I am extremely grateful. I see marriage as a place where two people can grow emotionally and spiritually. The issues that my husband triggers in me are issues that are good for me to work on. As I know from my own psychotherapy practice, it is important to take care of yourself and to be mindful of your thoughts- they create your interpretation of your reality.
Good luck and I hope you find peace within yourself.
What beautiful sentiments. I whole heartedly agree. I've been blessed with a beautiful friend who has enriched my life. He has challenged my thinking and understanding of our so called 'norms' resulting in me being more logical and less emotional. I adore the man and I wouldn't want him to change who he is for the world.
DeleteI agree wholeheartedly with you, MrsRudzo. Even though I'm probably NT, I have sought out or been open to the company of aspies my whole life. But back to the subject of marriage. For one thing, each person on the spectrum is different. I shake my head at blanket statements like, "Get out while you can." My boyfriend is teaching me to be more logical and a clearer communicator. No more games, indeed! You can't play games when your partner analyzes every aspect of every sentence. He will catch a game and you'll have egg on your face. I also am being challenged to work on my weak areas. Meanwhile, I value so much the gifts he brings to the union. KM
DeleteThank you for this response. My spirit was slightly lifted.
DeleteThere is a clear divide in attitude here and I hate to say it but one side is clearly more self-educated and evolved.
I know how hard it can be to rectify the differences between NT and ND but all of the negative comments here showed a basic lack of understanding that has nothing to do with ASD.
Healthy people that work on themselves, practice effective emotional regulation tactics, practice communication, work on self-love, and empathy can make a relationship work, difficult or not, ASD or not. Or they know when to leave out of love and respect not hate and resentment.
It’s simply not fair to either party to stay in a relationship that they can’t or don’t want to handle.
Only you know what their tolerance is. If you are unwilling to change your perspective and challenge yourself to grow and evolve, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship and certainly not a NT/ND relationship.
Don’t blame your partner. Don’t give away the power you have to change yourself for the better. That’s what blaming does. It takes power away from both partners.
Do more research, go to therapy individually and together, be honest with yourselves. This goes for both partners.
I’m really shocked at the lack of self-awareness in most of these NT posts.
The perpetuation of these attitudes only furthers the general populations misunderstanding and lack of understanding and tolerance.
Many negative behaviors are direct results of the ND basic human needs not being met. I find this cycle infuriating to watch. It’s like watching someone poke a bear, then blame the bear when it attacks its tormentor.
I am in no way equating people with ASD to wild animals. It’s a cliché metaphor that I used in hopes that even some of these troglodyte’s might understand.
I can only speak to my experience and my relationship with my soon to be ex-Aspie husband. I completely understand the frustration of the person above. In my case, my marriage got worse and that is why I am deciding to leave the marriage after 10 years. While there are many positive qualities that I enjoyed about my husband, the negatives completely overshadowed those positive qualities and it was no longer enough to keep me in the marriage. In my case, I entered into a marriage with my husband wanting us both to be in a partnership where we make sure that the other's person's needs are being met and continually working towards meeting those needs as we grow. In my relationship, I came to the realization that I met his needs, because I had to clean up a lot of problems, but he did not fulfill my needs...and maybe because it simply couldn't, not that he wouldn't. In the end, I decided for myself that this is not the type of marriage for me and I want a partnership, something I cannot get in my current relationship. There are others that would be happy in type of relationship. For my soon to be ex's sake, I hope that he finds that person. I firmly believe that while marriage is hard and will come with problems, I had to jump out the moment that I knew that the marriage was doomed for eternity.
ReplyDeleteWhat most of you do not understand is that you are vainly looking for the Asperger to change. That will never happen, they see nothing to change. They see all as black and white. Not black or white. There is no right or wrong, good nor bad, there are no grey areas. It just IS
DeleteThey do not understand the meaning of OPINION. Opinion is a position taken not necessarily on proven facts. To them everything is FACT. Thus they cannot understand why we something that is to them and obvious lie. The hard part is that because all is black and white the rest of us are always lying and they cannot let a lie (an opinion) go so they criticise and criticise and here is the rub they don't see it as criticism just telling it as is. Worse part is they ALWAYS HAVE TO TELL IT AS IT IS CANT HOLD BACK. RUN AWAY
You're right. We are like that. ^
DeleteI'm at breaking point with my partner. We have been together 10 years. I thought he was just shy. Now he avoids social interactions . Earlier in the year we adopted which was worse things I could have done with him. It's like having 2 children. He retreats into work but can't cope with other things. Gets angry when I'm ill. Always has ti be right
DeleteI'm sure he is undiagnosed asd
Refuses to take our son anywhere even to the park. I do all housework and laundry and arranging all visits to my parents and one friend
Our child can't make friends
Partner wants to stay in all the time
It's he'll. Our child is probably asd and adhd I struggle to cope in the holidays
Partner shuts down
States I say things or have done things that I haven't. Gaslighting.
it's true they do see it black and white
DeleteIn full agreement with the above. 14 years later and I am exhausted.
DeleteI agree with Barbara's comment and she's right just leave and don't worry because you won't be missed, their might be a meltdown to follow soon after bringing up the breakup of it's suddenly mentioned perhaps but he'll get thru it and move on from you and you'll just be another experience of his in life, something to learn from so that he doesn't have to run into the likes of another NT like you, it makes me a little irritated to see people like that woman who gets with a man and when the man gets diagnosed with Aspergers the woman uses it to walk away from the relationship.....I say she's the cause for the breakup and not the Aspie #AspergersAcceptanceAndAcceptance
ReplyDeleteWow you just totally justified everything she said!
Delete15 years of nothing but acceptance and killing myself to please someone who can't be pleased and the loss of self after a particularly bad year of constant outbursts to the point of PTSD. I am known as the calmest, most understanding person if anyone I've known or worked with were asked. It's frustrating as I try to salvage whatever pieces of me I can see comments from people with AS who are commenting on something you don't understand. That's not meant to be mean. It's just a fact. You don't understand what it's like to drown in someone else's mental anguish. A team of professionals would crack with the things some of us have experienced. 15 years of teary understanding is enough. Sometimes you have to save yourself before there's nothing left. I wish I had known what was wrong with him and what my future looked like. Some people with AS should be alone. But you don't understand.
DeleteI’m really struggling as a man married to an Aspie woman! Most guys would see all of the emotional disconnect as a blessing but of course I am extremely empathic so I need the connection… doesn’t exist! I am starving for connection and she scrolls through social media looking at pictures and has no original thoughts on anything. When I ask what she would like want to do if we could afford anything she responds “pay off the house” … ok house is paid, what next??? Nothing! No response just no thoughts, no dreams no aspirations nothing to share! Completely empty and devoid of any kind of emotional intimacy and I feel heartbroken and lonely! I just want to feel! I get most of my love from my 4 year old NT thank God we had one because our third and accidental is a hyper autistic child that needs so much help navigating the world. I’m so drained! If I could just refill, find someone else to share and connect with then I think I could survive but it feels like im drowning in an ocean of loneliness sometimes!
DeleteAs I wrote above the large insurmountable problem is that you see every thing as BLACK AND WHITE. You show that in your writing above you can't see the woman's difficulty you just see her reaction/ behaviour as " I don't understand her behaviour"
ReplyDeleteHasten to add it not the ASPIES problem (your choice of what I see as awful word) because the Aspie can see no problem no right or wrong way of treating people. ( in an ideal world there would be no right wrong good bad of course) but the ASPIES partner has lived a life acquiring that there is a right way and a wrong way. And doesn't understand that you don't. She sees grey and technicolor and sees both the black or the White
Suggestion if you have read this far
Next time your intimate other gets upset with you and you don't understand it ask "have I done something that has led to you feeling upset?
It won't stop you doing it next time but if each time you asked and listened there might be a pause in hostility
My aspie hubby will not work with me at all ,
DeleteI try so hard to work with him but he does everything impulsively without thought causing us a lot of worry and stress ,he doesn't remember a lot no matter how much we talk about it,I don't feel safe and secure like he is there for me ,I cannot count on him, he breaks all promises with me,his connection with me is off causing more and more distance ,
I could go on and on!!!
Yes, the broken promises are soul destroying.
DeleteWhat do you mean by "he has sucked the life from me"? The thought that enters my head is Judith from Two and a Half Men who said that about her ex-husband Alan. The character that Marin Hinkle played was a horrible human being, she would oscillate from an excessively needy wreck to a very cruel bitch, and this is the type of person that is entering my head about a comment like that.
ReplyDeleteAre you expecting marriage to be a story from a romance novel or an ethically transformative institution? The person who has this right is MrsRudzo, lets read her comments
" I am a therapist, and my husband has given me so many gifts as I have him. He's taught me to see things less emotionally and more logically. He's taught me to be more self-reliant. He has taught me to communicate directly instead of playing games. He has even taught me to laugh again (and we laugh daily!)."
She has become a more virtuous person through her relationship, she has acquired qualities of being more logical, more self-reliant, more direct in her language, and probably other qualities as well. She saw these virtues in her husband, and allowed herself to be transformed by them. I am sure that it is reciprocal, considering the insight and understanding in what she wrote.
Just take this comment
"“I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is my life in a nutshell. One thing that helps me is to write my thoughts and feelings down, then have him read them. This gives me time to calm down and think about how I want to say something. Also, you need to give logical reasons for things, at least I do. For example:"
Is being a rational person such a burden, is giving reasons for something you feel strongly about such a burden? The reality is that we are very rational and very honest. If you have a problem, you can be direct in your speech, and if you have truly reflected on the situation, and believe that you are in the right, you will find no more receptive person to an honest presentation of your moral problem with them than someone with Aspergers. The difference is that we are less receptive to feelings than most people, and with good reason. If you feel bad, and you are in the wrong, and you express excessive emotion, that does not suddenly make your position right. If just makes you an emotional bully.
But in all fairness to the person who I previously quoted, she did say this
"Getting emotional usually frustrates and/or shuts my husband down. Once I learned to take a step back, breathe, and think of a reasonable argument in a calm, low tone, things got SO much better. I'm a hot-tempered Texan, so it's not 100%."
You are now a more reflective and logical person, this might have been a struggle, but you are a better person. Again, marriage should be to ethically transform you to a better person.
The question this all boils down to is, What do you think the relationship between a husband and wife should be?
I would probably take a little of Aristotle in that it is based upon virtue, erotic love, and mutual affection, and it must progress to a relationship of virtue.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI am a 51-year-old ASPI. I was diagnosed in January 2014. I have been married for almost 28 years. When my wife and I were going to marriage counseling last Spring she asked the therapist if I can change my behaviors and he said "I don't know ". My wife felt stunned because for the past 27 years of marriage my wife thought that all my idiosyncrasies were just bumps in the road. My lack of empathy, lack of social skills, lack of intimacy and difficulty in communication were not things that I would just work through. My wife has accused me of abuse which I still am confused on. I have never cheated, used illegal drugs or had even a beer in my life. I have never been abusive physically, sexually, verbally or mentally. Therefore I don't really know where that comes from. She has also accused me of lieing by years of saying when she asked my why I did or said certain things that didn't make sense to her "I was just kidding " rather than a more honest answer of "I don't know why I did that or said that ". I guess that was a defense mechanism. I knew in my mind I didn't think like the normal person but didn't have an answer to why. My whole life I wanted to just be normal and have a normal life. I got married because that is what normal people do. We had four children because that's what normal people do. I went to college and I became a school teacher and taught for 20 years even though it was the worst job for me. Most of my time teaching was hell. I had high anxiety, depression and even a mental breakdown but I didn't lead on to really how difficult it was for me for years because I had to earn money to provide for my family. I trudged through until my anxiety and depression were effecting my mental state. I was on meds for anxiety and depression and was getting little sleep yet I pushed on because I had to. Once I was diagnosed I was forced into disability retirement. All this has led to my present state. Because of it all my wife has had enough and is worn out of what she calls the "circus" or "Luney bin " which is life living with an aspergar husband. I was told by my wife this past Spring that when our youngest graduates from high school in five years we will live in separate homes. She doesn't want to divorce because she doesn't want to divide our retirement. I am not angry, if I could leave now I would but I don't want this all to hurt my children still at home. I am exhausted with trying to be what society calls normal. My wife has told me our marriage is over but she doesn't hate me. We don't go out with friends anymore because my wife is afraid of what I will say or do. She doesn't want to drive with me for anything longer than 20 minutes because she gets frustrated with my communication. Hopefully when I move out we can both find happiness. So much for standing by each other through good times and bad. I'm not sure though that it would be better with an Aspie wife.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHello Kerri if you are still reading. And Hello to anyone who recalls Kerri's comments. It is unfortunate Kerri that you removed your comment. It was by far the best, most accurate understanding and description of Aspergers within a relationship. I regret not photocopying it. Please put it back on.
ReplyDeleteI TRIED TO POST A COMMENT A FEW DAYS BEFORE KERRI'S POST THAT WAS APPARENTLY DEEMED UNSUITABLE. MY COMMENT ATTEMPTED TO ADDRESS THE CAUSE OF OF ASPERGES, CAUSES ARE LARGELY IGNORED BY ALLEGED EXPERTS. KERRI AND SOME OTHERS WOULD HAVE GAINED SOME COMFORT OR UNDERSTANDING.
Kerri accurately points out that he experienced himself as normal before diagnosis and after diagnosis. His wife never experienced him as normal and upon understanding 2 years ago that his behaviour towards her would never improve wants out. I hasten to add that for her own sake she is best to leave immediately. His behaviour to her will not improve---THE POINT MOST OF YOU MISS IS THAT FROM HIS VIEW OF THE WORLD THERE IS NOTHING TO IMPROVE. IT IS ALL BLACK AND WHITE. HE DOES NOT FEEL EMPATHY, HUMOUR, LOVE SOFTNESS ETC AND VERY STRONLGLY UNLIKE US HAH HAH 'NORMAL' PEOPLE CANT FAKE IT.
The aspiie does not even see his/her partner's behaviour as wrong---there is no right or wrong, good or bad----they just do not understand why WE do and say things---such as double meanings---when clearly the event the Aspie views is not like that--why do we lie. If Kerri and other Aspies get to read this---let me have an educated guess, From your early years---diagnosed or not, almost every happening no matter how trivial has felt like you are being attacked in some way. Some sort of fear when in others company even as children, If this gets published and that is near how you felt/feel most of your life. Comment and I will explain that's connection to asper that the experts have never addressed. I guess also this will not be published. PS MANY PEOPLE ARE NEVER DIAGNOSED---ENTIRE GENERATIONS OF A FAMILY. GIRLS LESS LIKELY TO BE DIAGNOSED THAN MEN ARE.
I have been faking things for years. I wanted to appear normal even though in my heart I knew I wasn't, but I couldn't attach my abnormality to anything. When my wife and I were intimate I felt like I was on another planet. I was relying on what I read in books or seen in movies. When I was teaching I tried to mimic other teachers and was confused when I didn't get the same results. Even as a father I tried to do what I thought the model father would do like take the kids to ball games and play catch. There is never any emotion involved, I was just following a script. I still take my kids to ball games and play catch because my father was MIA when it came to that stuff. His only idea of spending time was yard work. However as far as intimacy goes there came a point where I just couldn't fake that anymore and I was exhausted from the anxiety I felt every night.
DeleteI deleted my original comment because I used the audio dictation on my phone to reply and the message came out horribly. Therefore I deleted it and re-typed my reply. Hopefully it will be approved.
ReplyDeleteHi all. I was wondering how someone like myself can help my husband who was recently diagnosed. The clinicians stated that they had never met anyone like him. He's been saying that for years. He just wishes he could find someone like him to talk to. He's incredibly intelligent. He will get fixated on a subject and become an expert in a short amount of time. The problem is he can't find others that he can converse with. I'm no help as I really don't have any interest in physics and maths like he does. I'm trying my best to give him his space, etc. Can anyone direct me to any sort of help for him? I am new to all of this.
ReplyDeleteKerri, you and my husband are the same age. He was also a teacher. Maybe the two of you could connect.
ReplyDeleteThat might be a good idea. My wife has told me several times I need to get friends and I tell her that's difficult because nobody gets me.
DeleteHello Kerri and Melissa
DeleteI feel a sadness for all Asperges and family.
I do understand the frustration and ongoing analysis and attempts to 'FIX' the Aspergers.
Even when aware that the behaviour we. experience/ suffer is because of their 'everything is black and white' view of the world --and there is rarely ill intent -- the behaviour is often so obnoxious ( compared with most 'USUAL' behaviour) that we find ourself in disbelief mortified desperate. Minutes hours later we can recognise it is the Aspergers and let go of it until the next time.
And yes Kerri's wife it is infix able because there is nothing to fix.
EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANET HAS A DIFFERENT VIEW OF THE WORLD BUT CULTURES BRING SIMILARITY SO THAT WE CAN DISAGREE WITH OTHERS BUT MOSTLY UNDERSTAND THEIR CULTURAL/ religious THINKING.
There is no cultural usual/norm with Aspergers and there is no Asperges group thinking
Unfortunately Kerri and Mellissa' s husband would not 'hit it off with another Asperges because of Asperges you would still not understand each other even if you were mirror images
You would most certainly find each other awful
Families of Asperges ( undiagnosed) are appalled by each other's behaviour without seeing that their behaviour is identical
PS
ReplyDeleteAspergers is often hereditary. I have observed a family involving 3 generations --not diagnosed. If it is 'picked-up' in the early years. Still not curable but I believe that a particular type of parental attitude may help the child understand and adjust a degree of behaviour. A parent who is Asp could probably not but the other parent may. I would still like to hear from those who felt afraid of many things from early memory and still do feel afraid. I don't mean 'run-away' afraid more feeling attacked, put upon.
What I think is the worst is when you are raised by 2 parents on the spectrum or 2 parents with severe mental health issues. Your childhood is anything but "normal". Then you suffer for years and have an extremely difficult time relating to anyone because the 2 people you trusted to love you and guide you through life let you down on top of being Aspergers. You expect the same from everyone else. Just my 2 cents on that.
DeleteOverall, I think your comments have been great :)
I truly believe my father is on the spectrum. I don't know about my mother, however my parents just swept things under the rug. My dad was pretty absentee unless it came to working in the yard. We never did any of those things that I always thought was a father and son thing. He never went to my sporting events or played ball or took me to the movies or ball games. My mother however was the one that wanted to ignore the real issues. When I asked my mother years later about if she knew that I was having accidents at middle school and she told me yes. I asked her why didn't you say anything? She told me why would I want to embarrass you more than you already were. I got no support and no help even though my parents admitted that I was not a normal child. Even to this day they don't like to talk about uncomfortable things from my childhood. So, even though Aspergers was not known back then in the 70s and 80s my dad was a psychologist and still gave me no help. One day he said to me you're never going to find another girl to put up with your idiosyncrasies. So to this day I hold a lot of resentment because I went through years of hell in school and I got no help. I went to my mother once and told her not to say anything and the first thing she does is starts talking to my younger brother about the issues. There was no sense of confidentiality or protection.
DeleteOn Saturday I went to a support group associated with the Orange County Aspergers Support Group. The focus was communication. Someone brought up denial because that's what we aspies do is deny. We deny because we spend so much time trying to masquerade as being normal that we are afraid if we admit things than our cover is blown. I have a very difficult time admitting when I am wrong or at fault. I automatically try to shift the blame. My wife will tell me that people know I'm not normal and then I begin wondering "How do they know when I have been trying so hard at putting on this act of appearing to be normal. Admitting faults feels like I am making myself vulnerable to losing respect and it is a struggle everyday. We aspies have to be comfortable in our own skin which for me is only when I'm around other aspies.
ReplyDeleteMy wife often accuses me of being immature. I of course deny that and insist that because I have done adult things in my life i.e., graduated from college, have children, 20 years teaching, I can't be immature yet my behaviors at times show something different. Like when I was a teenager I like to listen to classic rock loud and with the window down in my car. I am very nostalgic when it comes to my music and movies I watched as a teenager. Friends I had back in the day have not put as much importance as the years have gone by in those sort of things. There are other things like careers and family that have become more important. However, sometimes it seems as though I am stuck in a 1980's time capsule. I long for those days of carefree life. Although there things about my youth that I try to forget. From elementary school through high school I was bullied. From my early age I suffered from Tourette Syndrome. I didn't know why I ticked but I did so on top of feeling like I was not bright I also had very low self confidence. I remember about nine years old being tripped by an older student into a large puddle. In middle school I was constantly bullied. I hated school and hated attention. I recall when I was about 14 years old and needing to use the bathroom. I didn't want the attention of asking the teacher and didn't like going into the bathrooms at the school. Therefore, several times I would have accidents. I remember leaving puddles of urine on my desk seat. After school I immediately ran home. I would rub dirt on my pants to cover up my accident. In high school I was frequently bullied so much so that I wanted to graduate early. I went to college and began teaching. Years ago I was bullied by one of my co-workers. I felt like I was back I high school. I was afraid to say something because I was afraid of looking weak. While teaching middle school I was bullied by my students. Textbooks were torn up and pranks occurred in my classroom that I was not catching, it was HELL.
ReplyDeleteKerri, I'm so sorry to hear your story. That's awful. The first time I was bullied was at a job in another country. It was really something no one should ever have to face. I am also sad to hear about your relationship. I hope that you find happiness without her. The author of this book writes to Aspies as well as NTs, and life doesn't end with separation. However, I think you should consider divorcing her, not just separating. It prevents you from starting over clean. She can work, and she will get some separation money, but if you don't divorce, and you will not live together again, it sounds like she bullying you, too. She wants her cake and to eat it, too.
ReplyDeleteI am not normal... but there is no name for what I have, or I haven't found it yet. However, I have spent ten years in my relationship with my Aspie husband. I was on the verge of breaking up with him when I started really reading all the good stuff on the internet about it. This website in particular is excellent, and the price for the e-book is so reasonable. It makes me know that Counselor Hutton is not in it for the money. After all, one counseling session is more than 4times the amount on average. I recommend that you download the e-book, like me. After all, what have you got to lose? It's less than a dinner at most places, and might help you in understanding a very difficult situation.
My relationship is the typical NT-Aspie one, so far. I hope it can change with this program. I have gone through all the stages of grief that he talked about, and my DH seems oblivious to any issues I might have. In the beginning, for the first two years, our relationship was very passionate and he was kind of attentive. But as the years have passed, it has become less like a marriage and more like living with a roommate. He seems extremely selfish to me. He is always at work or on the computer, or doing what he wants to do. I often feel alone, and our intimacy is zilch. I have set a limit of three months, and in that case I will give him the divorce papers. I have to constantly ask for hugs and kisses, or days go by with no touch at all. I am extremely affectionate and loving, and this is very painful to me, but he seems clueless. Also, he refuses to get tested, and will read nothing about it, and refuses to go to counseling. However, reading about his issues has helped me understand him better. Despite this, if this book system doesn't improve the situation, I am only 40, and I want a fulfilling life, not one of loneliness. If things don't change, I will probably be one of the 80%, because I believe that I deserve to be loved and have my needs met as well. This situation is far too one-sided,and I put in a lot more to the relationship than he does.
Hi Sofia, Kerri, Melissa and new and former readers.
DeleteYes this site is of use in various ways. Even if just to express frustration, hope, confusion, to strangers who undoubtably have 'GOOD-WILL' to fellow 'sufferers'. (Both beings in the relationship --and often extended family).
I note two of you recently and others prior use the term NORMAL/NOT NORMAL. The clear assumption the Asperg is not normal and we others are normal. My observation and experience is that Obnoxious is a better description. BUT that is my 'FEELING' when stunned by the Asper's incredulous behaviour.
Removed from it a while some times seconds, minutes ---mostly hours, I can get it back to where I can see it was her black and white view of an event----which unfortunately for we 'normals' is they see it, do it, think it, say it----No empathy, no understanding of hurting others feelings. THE THING TO KEEP GRASPING AND THESE RAMBLES HELP IS THE ASPER IS NORMAL----Normal to self.
The ASPER just can't understand why we do or say things, or laugh or smile or say I love you--or perhaps reach intimate heights or get carried away.
The import to believe eventually is that neither partner is a villain ---deliberately. BUT THERE IS NO CURE--STOP LOOKING---THERE IS NO CURE BECAUSE THERE IS NO ILLNESS/DISEASE IT JUST IS THEY JUST ARE.
Certainly leave if finances allow---not out of anger but self preservation.
I have never seen anyone on this site mention their children being asperge? The non -asperg would be wise to look for that. Still no cure but a chance to help moderate behaviour in first seven years.
I do think there is a substance --used for other behaviour that may make a significant to a child. But the parent has the opportunity to influence because they can identify unusual unsocial behaviour---Asper adults see nothing to self-alter.
Hutton and others do not discuss nor understand what causes Asp ---there is a reason.
What is the e-book you were referring to? You situation sounds like a carbon copy of mine except my wife is the one wanting the affection. She told me last week we were more like friends than husband and wife. Throughout our marriage I would have to remind myself to hug and kiss her. Our intimacy felt very awkward. We never connected emotionally. She tells me that she is starving for affection so when I was affectionate it was more like I was doing it to make her happy and not because I wanted to. I was also following my fathers model. He would kiss my mother before he left for work and when he got home. I thought "That's what good husbands do". It wasn't because I felt this emotional need to show effection to my wife. Maybe we will divorce eventually but right now I have two teenagers at home and because of witnessing how difficult living between two households is on children we don't want to put our children through that. In five years my youngest will be gone so I will wait until then to leave.
ReplyDeleteTo Unknown. Your sadness is personal but I do understand how severe and overwhelming.
DeleteYou have another aspect to learn and a horror is each new discovery appears incredulous.
Your spouse nor any other Aspie did not mask his Aspergers from you. He cannot he would have to admit that there was something wrong with self to do that There is nothing wrong his thinking is clear. He would have to empathise with himself to attempt behaviour that gets his own way. He can't THINK empathy for self or you,
His Aspergers was there all the time for you to see. He would have been afraid of most events most of his life
Like all of us when in fear immediate reaction is fight or flight or hide
Your aspie's prime reaction was obviously not fight but flight and certainly hide. He simply hid. Not from you if it helps but from the scare. The computer thing eventuated as a convenient place to hide. When fellow sufferers on this great site say a partner has a melt down it is not a melt down but the primal brain deciding to fight
With words action and yes violent
The Aspie doesn't chsnge but a sudden or long build up of fear brings fight fight not hide
I believe or hope there is s way of aiding children under 7 with this
But it's never been written up if even thought about property
Hope it helps The hard near impossible part is to believe they actually think the way they do
Surely he/ she will understand their affect on us. Nope lack of empathy is total
He masked nothing he cannot
Hi Kerri. You have the one who has 'survived' all that. So forgive my intended goodwill comment if it is totally not how you now see it. Not how you remember it but may now see it.
DeleteFirstly and secondly you did not mask your 'condition' from your wife as you wrote previuosly. It is impossible to mask. If your wife is still willing to discuss it ask her. She was probably 'masking' her reaction---hoping your behaviour( she would see it as behaviour you didnt) would change/improve.
You obviously kept much of your 'reaction' ( to her your behaviour) away from her by doing one of the 3 'fear reactions' HIDE'. Not from her but from the fear. ( Fear takes many forms and there are only 2 emotions love and fear)
Spasmodically you bolted from the fear or stood and fought --lashed out in various ways. Your wife would have experienced that and you still would not have understood why she was horrified.
You will and other Aspie/and partner will have noticed, nearly always 'behaved' like this to your partner/family rarely outside the family. There is also a reason for this.
You use the word condition---you do not have a condition--I can add to that. You might let your Father off the hook, very few Psychologists would even know where to look let alone start. Especially if they incorrectly think it is mental or a condition.
There would have been ways to help you fit into society better if others had understood your thinking --but not a cure.
You have been given learning to at least understand or experience how others are experiencing you- I know a whole family Mother 4 of 5 children a brother sister a grandchild and obviously a father who have never been told about Asperges and see each others behaviour as obnoxious but cant see the mirror image--I wont tell them
Maybe mask is the wrong word. I developed defense mechanisms to hide my abnormalities. Many decisions I made were a result of social norms. I wanted to appear normal so I made decisions and used actions that I thought a normal person with normal thoughts would do. I love my children but I probably shouldn't have gotten married when I did and to whom I did. My wife is very smart and very accomplished but she wasn't the right partner for me. She wants things from me I just can't give her emotionally. I'm not wired that way. I think she was cheated out of a life she should have had. Me also, I need a different kind of partner. I've known it for years. Why didn't I leave a long time ago? I have four great kids and financial responsibilities. I can't just walk away from that. That is not how I was raised. Instead I live in this prison, at least until my kids don't need me. Two weeks ago my wife asked my two youngest children aged 16 and 13 if they would feel less anxiety if I moved out. My youngest said he wanted me to stay until he moves out after he graduates. That is what I will do. At least I don't have to pretend anymore, I just have to survive the next 5 years.
DeleteKerri. If we could actually talk. My interest in Asperges is in finding myself involved with a woman and being shocked, surprised, upset, even angry, with behaviour i did not understand. It was when I met the first grown child and 'suffered' unbelivable verbal abuse that I started studying and realised --Asperges. As I met each family member ---there it was again and again. Strangely not the eldest daughter. It indicated it was inherited from their Mother. Until I met her younger brother a sister and sister's grandchild who were all mirror image of each other---just saw each other as obnoxious. 'Casual' conversation revealed that the woman's father was a wife basher and very angry-----probably where it originated or perhaps even further back. I hasten to add that i am not saying Asperges leads to physical violence. I think the Fear--fight-flight-hide--reaction is mostly hide or/and flight.
DeleteI do think the Aspie's wiring takes in nearly every thing as fear and the wiring does not allow reasoning.
You would see all clearly as black and white not black and white.
I think Aspies who are very intelligent and perhaps even genius do not 'reason' their answers but just do not see distracting patterns ie they see the trees not the forest. Ie 'Why do you people see the forest it is just a tree and a tree and a tree.
As Einstein was accused of stating 'Definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over expecting different result.' He dismissed everything he saw as irrelevant. Asperges people are definetely not insane just dismissive of others.
I could add more to thoughts of what to take into a new relationship.
Kerri I have never told these people they have asperges, it would serve no goodwill purpose at their age
DeleteI have spent a lot of time doing the same thing but expecting a different result. My wife has often said that I keep hitting the wall expecting that at some point I'm going to get through, I never do. I know that I also will not connect different experiences. Four example when I do something that makes my wife angry I will say that I will not do that again and then I do something similar but not exactly what I did before and then she will get angry with me and say that I promised not to do that and I will say that I didn't do that exact thing. It is like I live in rooms but cannot see the big picture. Everything is either black or white there is no gray. This has been very difficult for my family to deal with. When I say I am sorry for something I truly mean it and when I make a similar mistake I don't recognize it to be the same as my other similar mistakes. I don't know if this makes sense. I am not sure how else to explain it. One thing I would like to know though is I have heard that dogs can be very good companions for people with Aspergers. This is true? Is there any reading that I can do on this subject? I have always loved dogs ever since I was little kid and even as an adult I love dogs and feel this connection with them I would like to read more up on that.
ReplyDeleteHi Kerri and others.
DeleteKerri I have 'enjoyed'our 'conversations' it has helped me to keep searching.
But please tell me if you would prefer to stop replying to you. I will understand.
Aka hasten to add, I have never written or said that an Asperger's behaviour IS obnoxious or is intended to be so.
I chose the word as the closest I can think of to describe how people in a relationship might experience comments or behaviour.
You repeat that your wife feels ANGER at your behaviour, behaviour you do not intend to cause her anger. Choose a word then or have her choose a word for the emotion she feels that causes her anger. Use her word to replace obnoxious.
Remember what ever she feels that makes her angry is FEAR. Whatever word she or you both feel that causes her anger is a fear word. The only other emotion is LOVE and we can be sure at that point she may love you desperately but your wife is not feeling love.
If you want me to continue I have relevant, important comments about dogs, donkeys and most animals.
Also a comment on your relevant peace in a Aspergers' group.
I have written earlier that Aspergers' people rarely display the behaviour or/and experience adverse reaction away from family.
My opinion is there is reason for that. I conclude with An OPINION is a view not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
Many people with Aspergers (perhaps not you) think that if a person states something that person believes it is the only right way. When most people might insist they are right they do see other opinions ( perhaps as wrong.)
My experience with Aspergers is she/he do not see right or wrong IT JUST IS. So in giving my/our opinion an Aspergers might say why am saying something that just is not?
I will assume you will choose to 'drop-off' now. I assure you I do wish you well I admire your hopeful attitude.
I would like to know what your thought are on Aspies and dogs. I also do enjoy reading your thoughts. When I read them I wonder what your background is on Aspergers because your thoughts are very insightful. When I go to these Asperger support groups and I see wives there with their Aspie husbands I think " How is their marriage different than mine? They seem like they have a good marriage. Why are those wives supportive?" When I ask my wife why she doesn't go with me she responds with how she's been living with this circus for 28 years and she's worn out, she can't do it anymore. Therefore as an NT why is it that some couples look very committed even with an Aspie spouse? Is it all for show or is it that they haven't reached the boiling point yet? Is it inevitable with an Aspie partner that eventually that point will come? I want to know what goes on in the head of an NT who is in a relationship with an Aspie. What's their evolution of thought?
DeleteI go to an Aspergers support group in Orange County California and I have never met anyone with Aspergers that is obnoxious and verbally abusive and I am not that way. So my opinion is that those that are obnoxious and verbally abusive may have other issues but again I'm not an expert I'm just speaking from my experience. I have met quite a few people with Aspergers. However I have also met people with Aspergers who do you not have much of a filter. In other words they don't see the social cues in what is socially acceptance to say and I know at times I have been that way but I would not necessarily consider that obnoxious . For example I once told a mailman he reminded me of Cliff from Cheers. My wife told me that was very rude but at the time I just thought I was being social and friendly . So that's what I mean by filter. I hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteI understand and feel the same way, Lori. It doesn't help that my husband has a comobidity of Antisocial Personality Disorder with high functioning Asperger's, either.
ReplyDeleteSofia
ReplyDeleteThere you go yet again. Please for your own mental and physical health and others who may read this for a smidgin of help, stop labelling Aspergers, a Personality Disorder.
It is all very orderly for most whose Brain is wired with that way of viewing the world,
Calling it a disorder implies he/she can be made over to be in order. Often heredity sees it in siblings and offspring. Antisocial? Yes anti social to me. She is social to others. Others are not close enough to experience, suffer her lack of empathy, There is no way the person can be or want to be cured. If a spoon full of castor oil would change her his thinking to be how we would like it to be , they would not rub it on or swallow To
Them you are the problem.not them. You are such a problem with your eclectic behaviour that they have to continually speak their mind and complain every time you see things as black or white when they see everything as black and white no shades
Oh and they see it as a lie if they don’t speak up and complain every time
This is what we experience as antisocial we have learned white lies diplomacy political correctness, we understand what OPINION means and most of us have a neurological experiencing of empathy. I feel that if small children in our care are considered in the spectrum we can assist their development to be less objectionable
I disagree with you. Its a maddening condition to the person with it and to those who are involved with the person. They need deliverance. People with autism don't like it either. If it was just merely a different way of being or thinking, there wouldn't be destructive qualities attached to it...to those who have it. We're not talking about weaknesses. Weaknesses are okay. Destructive characteristics are not.
DeleteSufferers of Aspergers partners are offered well meaning but unhelpful advice on what to do or say to her/ him. Their are lists published by people, academics, observers who clearly have never cohabited long term.
ReplyDeleteTo those who hope to stick it out still believing in change, consider 2 Phenomena you are faced with daily and probably in your frustration have not understood. I said 2, but more 2 sides of the same coin.
One is the word and definition and offfering OPINION. The other is APOLOGY. Think back from day one. How many times as he/she apologised to you? How many times have you? He does not does he? He cannot. You are staggered, stunned, fearful of what you experience as horrible behaviour, perhaps this time he will realise it? No! He has done nothing wrong. He has nothing to apologise for,and he can be angry at you accusing him. He can hear you apologise to him at times for being upset at his behaviour but he rarely accepts it because you always do it to him. Aaa gah.
OPINION. They do not understand why you are saying something clearly wrong, exactly the opposite as she thinks. She thinks and is angry that you think you are always right. OPINION is a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
Aspergers thinking is that there is only one way their way. Why are you lying? They will recognise you said something different on the same subject recently. Why are you lying?
Good luck continuing to think or feel that any list of ‘How to attempt to communicate will ever succeed. You will forever, contact after contact, ‘second guess’ what to say and ALWAYS get it wrong. If there are no children RUN. If there are children. ?????
You sound more autistic than anyone in these comments yet claim to be 'normal'. I'm on the spectrum. That goldilocks zone where you actually can empathize to a high degree, even if it's often not in the moment / after the fact. I'd rather just keep it shut off, so I do. Because it's AGONY. You can't stop hyperanalyzing, digesting, breaking down exactly why someone is the way they are. Why they feel sad. What's shaped their inevitably flawed perspective. How much more pathetically, terrifyingly fragile and irrational the psyche is than what we're taught. Because if everyone had a full grasp of how human instinct doom individuals and societies, civilization would grind to a halt.
DeleteI have been WRACKED with unrelenting guilt, agony and self-loathing for the things I think about humanity in general, never mind my own family. How they have to deal with me. HJust as often, I view things on a truly macro scale. You call it "lack of empathy." I call it dealing with existential despair and rage from the age of 10, when you started reading nihilistic and existential writing... Because the image of bullies and uncaring teachers hyperventilating on their deathbed, unable to ignore these conclusions, is so sweet. I
Overwhelming pity and rage are what I've alternated between for people, dozens of times a day, for forever. Parents make children, knowing everything comes with an expiration date. That life feeds on life, any way it can. That they might be Because they're lonely. Because they want to prove they can overcome THEIR weaknesses through someone else. Because they need another worker in the house. Because an old book told them to be fruitful and multiply. Because it's just blind, overriding instinct... A great big chunk of people would call all these things 'opinion', because they're uncomfortable or 'dehumanizing' to think about too much. People like me CAN'T STOP, EVER. I refuse to believe people could accept such harsh truths and still be happy, sociable people. You HAVE to forget reality sometimes.
Christ can be your cornerstone and being God can heal your heart, bring JOY in spite of the world we live and the beginning of a wonderful relationship with Him that will cut through the marrow of all of the bondages, heartache, etc. that you speak of. He is the only truth, and honestly, whether you struggle with autism or not (it's not your identity), the realities of the world are harsh and bring destruction, but in Christ, you can have unspeakable JOY now and forever!
DeleteI chose not respond when you wrote last May. Because I was saddened by your Asperger Neutologicsl Pathway that has you experience nearly everyone as having “inevitably flawed perspective”
ReplyDeleteIe, everyone bar an Asperger has a flawed perspective. And you have had a life agonising why that is
Why are they so horrible. Why can’t they see the world the way you do?
What Asperger prevents is you seeing that their perspective is not flawed and your perspective is the only way.
You will not ever understand that it is not perspective— a set in concrete view—though some do.
It is a phenomena called opinion. People can and do have opinions that they can and often do change.
You won’t understsnd but a reader who is not Asperger might, is that mo opinions are based on fact or truth, there are no facts or truths for every opinion there are thousands of hypotheses. All your complaints about flawed perspectives is just your own invalid criticism.
You won’t understand this because you do not understand that opinion is just that, one of thousands of hypothesise
It is based on you only being able to see that your way is the only way
Who justified what. Debbie
ReplyDeleteThe problem with a site as this. Is it is only of use to the person who is suffering by closeness to an Asperger. No Asperger who reads or listens to the feelings expressed of her/his partner will everunderstand any analysis.
Their Neurologicsl Pathway only sees what they do or say as THE way, and why do others behave differently. Also most Aspergers experience every thing as fear. Constant injection of cortisol
and no ability to make Oxytocin or obtain it through intimate contact.
If he doesn’t know, can’t help what he’s doing due to Asperger’s it’s not abuse! It may feel like he’s abusive but for it to qualify as abuse it has to have intent. I realise that you very upset but saying that being married to someone who has Asperger’s means an abusive marriage is grossly offensive at best and also discriminatory.
ReplyDeleteI have grown children on the autism spectrum and it's hard. I love my kids but they don't see anything wrong with how they behave, are able to turn everything around to be my fault and it just makes me exhausted and sad and of course I"m the bad one in societys eyes and autistic peoples eyes if I say anything about it. Abuse is abuse whether it's intentional or not as far as I'm concerned. Just because there may be different reasons as to why someone engages in certain behaviours, silent treatment ,putting hands on , not having any regard etc, it is still abuse. Neurotypicals can become depressed and suicidal but autistics often only care about what they want but we aren't allowed to say anything about it. It's wrong and we are discriminating. It's easy to become resentful and I would definitely recommend leaving your husband. How much has he ever given a darn about you? You aren't his mother and owe him no more of your time. Let him seek professional help - he probably won't because most don't perceive that they have any problems . It's other peoples problem for complaining or for noticing.
ReplyDeleteAfter 40 years of dealing with my husband, I hope I die early just to have some peace. I am exhausted, hopeless, and done. Our marriage is now of economic necessity and nothing more. I hate him.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you feel and it's exhausting. I'm broken from dealing with this. The arguing (at me, not with me) and daily ranting has crushed my spirit over the years. I am naturally positive and fun and easygoing and it's almost like people like me are broken most easily by all the angry outbursts and martyrdom and constant difficulty with every single statement. People commenting that it's terrible to feel this way or we should have done this or that, well they just don't understand. I'm so tired. My health finally started to fail me about 10 years in and my sense of self is gone. Most days I want to get in the car and never come back.
DeleteHi, I am at my wits end. I am so thankful to find this chat to share. My husband is undiagnosed Aspie. Yes, I can be very emotional at times. But now I have learned to shut my emotions down so we don't spiral and wreck what is left our relatiinship. No physical or emotional intimacy, but we more or less financially secure. So how do I get my emotional needs met. I not into 1 night stands. So I work, chat and laugh with close friends. Then every so often I feel like, why can't I have a person who can show me love and a little affection, or at least some loving words. I ask my husband to say something loving and nice, "lie if you have to" I tell him. Like talking to a turnip or someone with a TBI. So I need to focus on the things that make me happy, detach from him, know I am loved by God, and still seek human connection.
DeleteYes I have tried knowing I'm loved by God and seeking affection and support elsewhere through friends. But why should we? Why should we have to carry this spiked dead weight around with us? Why should we try to soldier on somehow and work around the fact that we are married to someone incapable of showing us love and regard? Yes great that God and our friends love us, but our husbands should too. And if they don't they shouldn't be with us. They never should have been. They are dogs in the manger. I think the reason they dont do the obvious and find another autistic person to be with is because they want our emotion. They want to use it to their own ends, so they can manipulate and use, be cared for and get their needs met under false pretences. And maybe they want to be loved even though they can't return the favour. It's a terrible life devouring con.
DeleteLiving with an ASD husband is THE WORST. Normal relationships are difficult as is, ad the lack of communication skills, empathy, and temper outbursts and gosh it’s torture. There should be less advocacy and more disclaimers and warnings about ASD.
ReplyDeleteThere’s a scary amount of them who are undiagnosed and have no idea they are incapable and deficient. There should be more education for nuerotypicals so we can recognize the ASD and completely avoid the person. People with autism are also below average intelligence, it’s a fact, look it up. Crazy part is, they have no awareness of it and are horribly offended by truth. If you have ASD, it’s a disability for a reason. You guys are difficult and shouldn’t be allowed to masquerade as normal, it’s fraudulent. You victimize yourselves and because of your low IQs absent emotional IQ.
I wish it was just unfair, but it’s not, it’s damaging and awful. Something went awry in utero on a biological level. Facts are facts.
Run if you find out the person ur dating is on the spectrum.
I threw my whole life away 25 years ago and if he had been diagnosed I would have understood that I should run and save the person who will never be anything at this point. I'm too tired.
DeleteSorry to hear you threw 25 years away. I threw 38 years away on an immature porn addicted alcoholic . He never even came home but decided after the wedding he didn't like marriage after all. For the next 35 years he hung out at bars spending all the money on treating single people to karaoke and drinks. Not once did he call and ask me to join him. No sex with me because he prefers solo sexual activities. What a nightmare. Well the house is now on the market and I am moving finally. He has been street harrassing ten year old girls getting off the school bus. He's age 60. Pretty demented I know. Sorry I can't take this insanity any longer. If you ever meet an aspie just keep running.
DeleteI agree. If my in laws had a normal sense of what counseling is and who it is for…..well not much would be different now except I wouldnt have gotten married, moved back to my hometown, bought a house near my parents house/childhood neighborhood, joined social clubs etc all while parading my masked husband who behind the scenes pretends to be eats oranges by removing fbroun
Delete(I would like to comment with my Google account, but can't figure it out! Smile)
ReplyDeleteMy name is Shauna. I don't care if I'm anonymous. We need to be able to be open and not ashamed.
I am separating from my husband who most likely is ASD. And honestly, I feel I may be ASD as well.
We've only been together 9 years. (Both in our 50s)
Some people recognize that ASD females do not typically "present" like an ASD male. However, EVERYONE is unique.
I've had issues with depression, anxiety, emotional regulation most of my life.
When I meet my sweet husband, I was so grateful...so happy to have this beautiful person in my life.
He felt the same. BUT our struggles became apparent quite soon after trying together.
He was frustrated with my highly emotional personality. Yet he enjoyed it as well. As he didn't/doesn't have access
to much emotion.
He always brought me flowers, cooked (fabulous meals), and was/is great in bed.
I've had a history of choosing substance abusers, tho I do not drink often, nor use any other mind altering substances. Except for chocolate!
So, he was a God send.
However, MY issues became more and more obvious. I have sought help through out the years, but finally became aware that I was going to have to figure me out on my own.
(Sorry, this will be long)
I did notice how my hubby couldn't communicate with me very well. He'd run from anything that was uncomfortable.
I wanted to address EVERYTHING that was uncomfortable.
It's complicated to describe the issues we had.
But, four years ago after moving out, I decided to "figure him out" at first I realized that he was a narcissist. Lol.
But, wait... not quite.
Ok he's a ...?
Then I started questioning myself.
I went back to therapy. (Pretty useless, the therapist just kept validating how awful my hubby was) not helpful.
I went to a GP and she stated me on a mood stabilizer. Who knew? It helped tremendously.
(In the past, I have ingested every antidepressant known to humanity....including naturopathic suggested herbs, vitamins, etc)
I dropped my therapist after about three months.
I found a few books on Mindfulness, and began a journal.
I began meditating, praying, and practicing various methods to focus on things like responding rather than reacting, acceptance, learning how to communicate with empathy and clarity. Etc. (Good book to read "Non violent communication")
I worked REALLY hard myself and only until about 8 months ago noticed that I had improved dramatically. Wow, it's so freeing. To love what is.
However, I became dis attuned to what is abusing behavior. (I felt accepting what someone feels and expresses was getting closer to "Zen")
My husband continued to criticize my choices in friends, food, how I used my personal time, how I cleaned the house, what I thought was funny or interesting...etc.
But, I was determined to listen to him, to understand.
I bit my tongue a lot!
I could see that he was also trying.
But he just couldn't help himself.
I felt I was bleeding to death by a thousand paper cuts.
I asked him to do therapy with me. "We will find the right person that will understand what we BOTH neef and how to get it."
I practiced being direct with requests and frustrations. That was hard, because I had to wait for the right time, find the right words and understand that it was/is hard for him to hear ANYTHING that even seemed like criticism. I continually struggled with my own fears and anxiety. I constantly evaluated myself with how I interacted with him. I just KNEW I could change enough that he would stop criticizing and berating me. I so much wanted us to work.
But I just kept annoying him. I'm not sure why he would be annoyed.
He jumped on board with making sure I knew about all my defects. I have many.
I read all the ASD books I could get my hands on.
I learned to listen, listen, listen and support.
We went to Mexico in March.
I had fun for the most part. I thought he did too.
But when we got home. He told me he wanted to separate.
To be continued.
I got into my non violent communication mode and asked what made him feel this way.
ReplyDeleteI "complained too much"
I "was not attentive to him enough"
I "had to stop and rest too much"
(Id hyper extended my knee two weeks before we left...I did all the PT I could do so that We'd have a great time)
I "have always been a terrible communicator"
We really have "never gotten along"
A few more.
I then asked him if he felt comfortable telling me these things.
"Yes"
I told that was good, as I wanted him to feel free to express anything to me. No matter what.
I asked if he could tell that I sincerely wanted him to be able to freely express his opinions. "Can you tell I've worked very hard these last few years to support you, work on my issues, etc"
"Yes"
I then told him I didn't feel that I could do the same.
I wasn't surprised when that comment made him scowl and recoil.
I already knew that he most likely was confused and hurt by that comment.
I asked if he needed a hug.
"Yes".
I embraced him and told him that I was sorry I couldn't meet his needs.
"If you need more love, more support, more anything...I want you to know that I wish I could... but I am where I am now and I feel I'm pretty awesome. I can not give you more and if that doesn't work for you then I will go "
He told me it would be best if we separated.
I said OK. I was really, really sad.
He owns the house (he had it before we met)
I was scared. I was devastated. I just KNEW that it would work if he could just give it time.
I couldn't find a rental unless I could pay at least $2k a month.
And then the "Gods of fate" kicked in.
A friend called me to ask if I knew of anyone who would take over her very inexpensive lease. We meet the next day and I told her that I would.
"What?!"
I told her a little bit about the situation, but I told her as well that I only wanted he and I to be happy whatever that means.
And I mean it.
He is who he is. He is perfect as he is right now.
And so am I.
And what do you know , even tho I hurt everyday, I also have realized that the relentless hurtful comments have taken their toll.
He has told me that he is confused and maybe I shouldn't leave.
Ive already inked the lease. And paid the non refundable first, last and deposit.
We are being very nice to each other. As best we can.
His little snide remarks continue.
I don't think he can help that!
I am fantasizing what it will be like for me to spend time with friends without being questioned about why I would ever want to be friends with "her", or why I spent so much time with my friend.
How wonderful it will be to have a conversation on the phone without being corrected (in real time!)
Wonderful to have an opinion that isn't challenged and shot down.
I can clean without being told I did it wrong or not good enough.
I can listen to my music, make choices, have preferences, laugh without being that what I'm laughing at is stupid.
I won't have to walk on eggshells anymore.
On and on.
And he will be free from my issues that frustrate him.
I could list those too! But it's not as much fun!
As so many ASPs on here say. "He cant help it and he shouldn't have to change"
They're right.
I feel empowered and I understand that sometimes people are better as friends.
Wish me and him Happiness and good fortune.
Mine also runs from anything which is uncomfortable. He's never actually taken the time to sit down and compromise and have closure with me when I'm hurt by his behavior. It's like he can't see my hurt or maybe he just doesn't care. There are never any kind words or affection from him. So, nothing in the entire marriage has ever been resolved. It's pure insanity and I feel I'm going looney tunes and crazy. Also, someone mentioned how aspies don't understand what an opinion vs a fact is. You are certainly correct. It's pretty shocking to try and help him understand but he just doesn't get it. Reciprocal conversation is impossible also and I have tried on many occasions to try and help him understand what it means but he just can't quite grasp the concept. I don't get why his parents never taught him simple social rules in order to have a good life. Although I'm pretty sure they were both on the spectrum and couldn't help themselves. Why aren't their more resources for adults with asd? He needs someone who is qualified to teach him how to communicate in a more loving and acceptable manner. I have tried but he doesn't listen to anything I say, ever.
DeleteAll of these comments explain perfectly what my life is. He’s absolutely sucked the life out of me and admitted doing so. I wouldn’t get divorce (yet) because there is no way on the face of this earth would a judge force me to hand over our children to him half the week. They can barely deal with him with me in the same room. He’s in no condition to be in charge of a fish let alone children. He spaces out and stares. Or he’s mean and snappy. He drank to act normal but it got really bad and I told him to get out. He stopped drinking and now he’s just an empty shell who can’t have a normal conversation, says really weird stuff, isn’t affectionate towards anyone in the house. It’s a horrible existence for me but I smile and act as happy as possible for my kids and knowing when they’re adults (one more year!), we’re out of here. I’m sure some may ask, “Didn’t you know this before you got married”? No, I knew there was something off that I couldn’t put my finger on. He was younger, kind of silly (alcohol made him more social). But things changed quickly after marriage. Once children came along, it was very prevalent something wasn’t right. And it’s especially worse with age and no alcohol. People ask me if he’s ok. After quitting drinking, he went anorexic. It’s one thing after another. I just want normal. Just normal laughter, conversation, normal interactions and expressions. He has zero emotions. Shows nothing, just flat. My oldest child sees things and often asks me questions about his behavior. The only thing that keeps me going are my kids and that this isn’t my life long prison.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are nearly put. I have si.ilar worries about my kids. One is very young. It will be years and years. I just dont know if I pulled the trigger what access arrangements we would be able to make. They wouldn't even want to spend one night with him. A few hours is hard for them. He has never done bedtime, bathtime, rarely does nappies. He's only ever spent a few hours in charge of them. And they often have complaints. It's half hearted babysitting. The kids should automatically spend most of their time with their main carer. Theyd be traumatised if they had to spend half their time without me and with him. So we all have to put up with him all the time. Its slavery inflicted on women, not just those with aspie husbands, but it's hard when the main problem is lsck: lack of empathy, lack of care, lack of responsiveness, lack of respect, etc. Not something that the authorities would recognise or care much about. It's the old Cassandra problem. No body else sees the problem because they don't have to li e with them. So many people just live apart together as an unhappy compromise
DeleteI was born in 1944, married in 1962…never knew about Asperger syndrome until about 2000, and sort of thought…Oh my God!…could this be why I have lived in a world of hell, lack of love, empathy respect, etc and always wondering, how can I be responsible as I am so filled with love for my 4 children and work so hard for my family to be happy……but husband very successful at his corporate job and very smart always got exactly what he wanted but this man coming home from his San Francisco job always came through the front door and walked right pass me, no eye contact no words and straight to changing clothes to go run for an hour. Now I will make this short ….. I hate him more than I can say…. I can’t wait for him to die…..no one will miss him.
ReplyDeleteLMAO @ all the butt-hurt Aspies in the comments.
ReplyDeleteOwn it, you fucking pussies.