Blog for Individuals and Neurodiverse Couples Affected by ASD
Search This Blog
How I Live with Asperger’s: Tips from a 52-Year-Old Aspie
The 3 Anger Styles of Adults with ASD

The anger styles for these individuals tend to fall into three main categories: aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive.
Anger Turned to Aggression—
The “aggressors” are easy to recognize. They can be hostile and antagonistic. Common signs of anger-control problems for “Aspies” that are aggressors include:
- Destroys property
- Frequently vocalizes anger
- Furious temper
- Loud voice and yelling
- Blames others for the relationship difficulties
- Makes threats
- Verbally abusive
- Often demeans or swears directly to others
- Excessive complaining
- Uncontrollable fits of rage
- Meltdowns
The aggressors create an unsafe situation for themselves, for others, or for property around them. If spouses or partners are the focus of physical aggression, the problem is extremely crucial to address.
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Anger Turned to Passivity—
The passive individual can also be fairly simple to recognize. They are somewhat submissive. They do not argue or fight back when confronted – rather, they “shutdown.” This person’s traits may coincide with the diagnosis of depression. Some of the warning signs below are taken from the diagnosis for depression, and others are additional common signs of shutdowns:
- Deals with difficult emotions by “cutting” them off
- Isolates when upset
- May be extremely passive to the point of getting “walked on” by others
- Has difficulty expressing emotions
- Holds anger in, then “blows up” suddenly
- May be seen as a “loner”
- May blame self unnecessarily
- May have few friends
- May simply “go along” with whatever - even when it is a poor decision
- Often has an upset stomach, muscle aches, backaches, headaches, or other physical symptoms from “holding it in”
- Appears depressed
- Seems to have very little emotion
- Appears withdrawn
Passive individuals are in danger of destroying themselves emotionally from within. They have no emotional release valve. When they blow up, they can become violent, which can result in harm to themselves, others, or property. Internalized anger is as destructive to the passive person as aggression is to the aggressor.
Anger Silently Planning Revenge—
Perhaps the most difficult to detect, passive-aggressive individuals engage in an anger style that appears calm on the surface, but is fuming, scheming, and plotting underneath. They give the appearance of a passive person, and do not directly confront the anger as an aggressor would do. They are docile and appear to accept what is said, but then will ignore what is said to do their own thing. They can be devious, and oftentimes go unnoticed by others.
Unlike the aggressors, they lack the courage to be direct, and instead perfect the skills to be sneaky. They seem to know where the “back door” to revenge is – and use it often. The list of passive traits also applies to them, but here are a few additional traits to look for with passive-aggressive Aspies:
- Inconsistency between what is said and what is done
- May be very good at blaming others
- May not admit mistakes
- Often gets caught in a lie
- Sneaky behaviors
- Tries to avoid direct conflict while creating problems in other areas
- Tends to sabotage
Lastly, it is not uncommon for some adults on the autism spectrum to vacillate between two - or even all three - of the anger styles depending on the situation.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> Click here for more information on anger and mood swings in adults on the autism spectrum...
Shutdowns in Spouses/Partners with ASD
When a listener withdraws from an interaction by shutting down, it is usually a sign that he or she is becoming anxious. Oftentimes, people with Asperger’s emotionally or physically withdraw because they’re psychologically or physiologically overwhelmed. They are trying to avoid conflict – or escape from conflict – in order to calm themselves. For example, your husband may refuse to discuss certain topics or feelings, struggling to endure the approaching anxiety. He may turn away, stop making eye contact, cross his arms, or leave the room. As a result, you may label this behavior as rude, insensitive, and uncaring.
So, what can be done about shutdowns?
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
FOOTNOTE: Tone of voice in itself can be a major trigger for this shutdown business! Some Aspies feel it easier to communicate through text. If you find it difficult to talk, try notes, letters, blog, facebook... But make it private. As one NT wife stated, "My husband has aspergers and 2 shutdowns in 2 years. He was completely unable to speak for 20+ minutes even though he tried. He could text much better but still had trouble spelling until it began to wear off. We learned this time that he can begin to speak again quicker if i get him talking about a totally objective, non-emotional, even mechanical subject."
MORE Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT WivesDoes My New "Friend" Have Asperger’s?
So you’ve met this guy that seems a bit quirky. The idea that he may have Asperger’s has entered your mind (because you did a bit of research online, and he appears to have many of the traits of the disorder).
So, how might you know whether or not your new friend has some of the Asperger’s traits?
If he rarely looks you in the eyes...
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
Why Some ASD Men Fall Out of Love - Seemingly Overnight

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
This doesn't make sense to some men on the autism spectrum. They think they have officially "arrived" and that there is no need to continue to "work" on the relationship.
Once the romantic phase is over with, the real work begins. For example, he has to have conversations about things that may not be so "fun" (e.g., has to listen to your past troubles, trials, and tribulations; listens to you sharing your past, which is what most people do in order to build trust and a bond).
He may have to go with you to family gatherings (socializing is NOT a strong point of people with Asperger's). He has to work on conflict resolution (another skill that is typically lacking). He has to deal with the anxiety that goes with moving to the next level of the relationship, such as a proposal and marriage - AND KIDS! Now, in the mind of some men on the spectrum, the relationship is getting too messy and complicated. Thus, they rethink their commitment level.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
COMMENTS:
- So how do I survive this? I loved him completely. I cherished every moment. And I loved every part of him. He said he had loved me for 30 years. (obsession?) He was so happy we were together and so was I. I didn't want anything more than for us to be what we were. I didn't ask more of him. And now I am a casual friend, if that. Thrown away like last night's supper. I am truly dying inside.
- Run. I’ve been there for 8 yrs. three married. They drain you emotionally. I finally left recently. I moved. I am at peace, even th I miss him and love him. They have a way of sucking you in an sucking the life out of you. If you knew what it’s like (worse married) you’d run. I wish I had walked away all the yrs I tried to get a commitment. Get therapy or go to a 12 step program. They are defective people. I’m sorry. It doesn’t work. I bought books, tried to communicate but it’s always my fault. Run. Fast. God bless you.
- Take it from me. Run. I was where you are seven years ago âne he finally married me 3 yrs ago. I had high hopes. I’ve recently left him. I’m drained emotionally. He hasn’t called on his own for over two was now. I am so at peace for leaving, even tho I cry and miss him. They have a way of sucking you in and sucking you dry. God be with you!!!
- I wanted to take care of him and receive in return. But I made a serious error and opened myself up to him just a few months after her death. He was happy with me but couldn't get past feeling guilty because of that and said this often. This escalated after her grandson whom they raised together committed suicide. He couldn't really grieve and began to be distant at times. It slowly escalated until he in complete opposite of any thing he had ever said, informed me that he was "done" and no longer has any feelings for me.
- Obviously you have been through Hell. There are some differences though. He was married for 23 years and his wife died. It was supposibly an iconic marriage. I have talked with her closest friends who have no question that she/they were very happy. Of course, her style was quite different than mine. Per one of her best friends, she was the queen and he was her "devoted lackey". Well I don't want to be queen. I want to 2.
Resources for ASD-NT Couples
Popular Posts
-
“I am married to a man with Aspergers. I must say this has been the biggest challenge in my entire life. Although I do love my husband dea...
-
"Can an adult with Aspergers or High Functioning Autism have a meltdown just like a child with the same disorder?" Click here ...
-
A lot of men with ASD level 1 [“high functioning autism”] have never been diagnosed and are regarded as being eccentric, a little odd ...
-
You have a love Asperger's, and you don't understand him or her, so it's making you crazy? It doesn't have to be that wa...
-
Mark Hutten, M.A. - Counseling Psychologist Are you experiencing relationship difficulties with your partner or spouse who is on...
-
Men with Aspergers have many traits that can be attractive to a prospective partner. Click here for the full article... ==> Liv...
-
People with ASD [High Functioning Autism] often face challenges related to their ability to interpret certain social cues and skills. ...
-
Many, if not most, females with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism “slip through the net” (i.e., go undiagnosed) because they camoufl...
-
Depression drains your energy, hope, and drive, making it difficult to do what you need to feel better. But while overcoming bouts of de...
-
"Out of the clear blue, my boyfriend with Aspergers stated he's not in love with me anymore, but doesn't want to break up. We...