"Out of the clear blue, my boyfriend with Aspergers stated he's not in love with me anymore, but doesn't want to break up. We haven't gone on a date for several weeks. He stopped being intimate with me last week. And now ...well, I don't know what to think. Is this common for men with Aspergers? He swears he hasn't found another woman, and I believe him because he's not the type to cheat like that. (Plus I've peeked on his cell phone and FB page and see nothing suspicious.) How can someone just fall out of love like that - seemingly overnight. ~ Hurt and confused!"
I wouldn't say "falling out of love overnight" is common for these men, but it does happen. As a counselor who has worked with many couples affected by Asperger's and high-functioning autism, what I see most often has to do with the fact that most men on the high functioning end of autism are very "task-oriented." The scenario often plays out something like this:
In the beginning, a new girlfriend is his new task. He works on getting her to like him, to go on dates, to have sex, and so on. Also, in the beginning, he may try very hard to appear "typical" (i.e., tries to avoid exhibiting any traits that may reveal his disorder).
Once he feels that he has "won her over," he begins to feel more comfortable around her. And it is during this time that he lets his guard down and begins to exhibit some symptoms of the disorder that his girlfriend picks up on (although she may simply view his behavior as "odd").
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Once he has achieved his objectives -- mission accomplished! In other words, he has completed the task of getting her to be with him. Unfortunately, due to (a) mind-blindness issues and (b) problems with empathy, he does not understand that the "relationship task" is never-ending. As most of us know, couples need to work on the relationship throughout its entirety, providing ongoing nurturing, love and support.
This doesn't make sense to some men on the autism spectrum. They think they have officially "arrived" and that there is no need to continue to "work" on the relationship.
Think of it like this:
You live in California and drive to a vacation destination in New York. That's a long hard drive! Once you arrive at your hotel in New York, you wouldn't continue to drive in circles in the parking lot, because you have already arrived at your destination. As odd as it sounds, this is analogous to romantic relationships in the ASD mind (e.g., "I'm here - the work is done").
Another issue that results from "mind-blindness" and "lack of empathy" (two traits of the disorder) has to do with the ASD partner confusing love with obsession. I've talked to many men on the spectrum who thought that they were in love, only to find out that it was just an obsession or a "special interest" in the romantic phase of the relationship (i.e., the first three months or so when everything is noncommittal, fun, and interesting).
Once the romantic phase is over with, the real work begins. For example, he has to have conversations about things that may not be so "fun" (e.g., has to listen to your past troubles, trials, and tribulations; listens to you sharing your past, which is what most people do in order to build trust and a bond).
He may have to go with you to family gatherings (socializing is NOT a strong point of people with Asperger's). He has to work on conflict resolution (another skill that is typically lacking). He has to deal with the anxiety that goes with moving to the next level of the relationship, such as a proposal and marriage - AND KIDS! Now, in the mind of some men on the spectrum, the relationship is getting too messy and complicated. Thus, they rethink their commitment level.
Once the romantic phase is over with, the real work begins. For example, he has to have conversations about things that may not be so "fun" (e.g., has to listen to your past troubles, trials, and tribulations; listens to you sharing your past, which is what most people do in order to build trust and a bond).
He may have to go with you to family gatherings (socializing is NOT a strong point of people with Asperger's). He has to work on conflict resolution (another skill that is typically lacking). He has to deal with the anxiety that goes with moving to the next level of the relationship, such as a proposal and marriage - AND KIDS! Now, in the mind of some men on the spectrum, the relationship is getting too messy and complicated. Thus, they rethink their commitment level.
This may or may not be the case in your situation, but I can tell you from experience, the scenario described above is very typical of the man that - as you say - seemingly falls out of love over night.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
COMMENTS:
- So how do I survive this? I loved him completely. I cherished every moment. And I loved every part of him. He said he had loved me for 30 years. (obsession?) He was so happy we were together and so was I. I didn't want anything more than for us to be what we were. I didn't ask more of him. And now I am a casual friend, if that. Thrown away like last night's supper. I am truly dying inside.
- Run. I’ve been there for 8 yrs. three married. They drain you emotionally. I finally left recently. I moved. I am at peace, even th I miss him and love him. They have a way of sucking you in an sucking the life out of you. If you knew what it’s like (worse married) you’d run. I wish I had walked away all the yrs I tried to get a commitment. Get therapy or go to a 12 step program. They are defective people. I’m sorry. It doesn’t work. I bought books, tried to communicate but it’s always my fault. Run. Fast. God bless you.
- Take it from me. Run. I was where you are seven years ago âne he finally married me 3 yrs ago. I had high hopes. I’ve recently left him. I’m drained emotionally. He hasn’t called on his own for over two was now. I am so at peace for leaving, even tho I cry and miss him. They have a way of sucking you in and sucking you dry. God be with you!!!
- I wanted to take care of him and receive in return. But I made a serious error and opened myself up to him just a few months after her death. He was happy with me but couldn't get past feeling guilty because of that and said this often. This escalated after her grandson whom they raised together committed suicide. He couldn't really grieve and began to be distant at times. It slowly escalated until he in complete opposite of any thing he had ever said, informed me that he was "done" and no longer has any feelings for me.
- Obviously you have been through Hell. There are some differences though. He was married for 23 years and his wife died. It was supposibly an iconic marriage. I have talked with her closest friends who have no question that she/they were very happy. Of course, her style was quite different than mine. Per one of her best friends, she was the queen and he was her "devoted lackey". Well I don't want to be queen. I want to 2.
You don’t survive. You leave and recover.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true.
Deleteyes. there is no way back apparently. Once their mind is made up about something, that's it.
DeleteIt's like removing a parasite.
DeleteThis is the best article I have read that helps me understand. It was over 5 years ago and hurt me so badly that I barely survived. I did not want to believe that I was his obsession. I truly believed that I was his love. Now I understand. And I understand that it truly was not me. I didn't fail. It was him.
ReplyDeleteI also recently got out of a 5 year relationship with an autistic man. Run as fast as you can. He will never and cannot change. It’s like having another child. It will never get better and he will not be much help, if any, when the kids come along. Run, run, run!!!!!!!!!!
DeleteUnfortunately 😔 my bf of 3 years left me 5 months ago with no real reasons. I’m still struggling to move on. It has changed me.
DeleteOh well. He told me he loved me and that I made him feel things that no woman ever did, including a strong physical connection. He showed me that he truly cared for me in more than one way. I don’t think I was his obsession; because I am the one who pursued him, he had not noticed me at first apart for my brains, he said. He also said that I never made him feel bored and that he learned a lot from me. There was a lot of intellectual, emotional, and, later, physical attraction, and a deep level of mutual curiosity and understanding (and forgiving too) due to completely different personalities with incredibly strong points in common. We said “I love you” to each other and it felt real. But then, after a couple of years like this, when he realized that “he wanted me too much, to the point of making him want me more than anything else in his life, which risked going upside down because of his desire for me, and he could not afford that” (his words, not mine), he literally disappeared. After a fight like many others, which I felt was just an excuse, he disappeared just like that, saying that I was not able to cope with my own emotions and he with his conflicts, that he needed to deal with me on a more rational level and that he could only offer me friendship but not the closeness that I wanted (?). I never asked anything of him but to be just there like I was, respecting our boundaries. I honestly stopped asking myself what I did wrong. Any other guy, I would have called him an asshole and would have left him way earlier. But this way, I feel somehow conned. I put so much into it, so much effort, so much understanding - he didn’t tell me about his condition straight away, I had to guess it all by myself -, so much love, so much putting myself in his shoes, so much swallowing my pride to come back over and over again, for what? “I want you too much to cope with it”? Whatever the reason, such behavior hurts and it feels unfair. I am sorry to be so blunt. I am sure there are many decent guys out there with or without this syndrome. Mine wasn’t.
ReplyDeleteI went through the same thing for 3 years. He left me in a very withdrawn “ice cold” way, 5 months ago. I’ll never be the same.
DeleteI know it was painful, but I want to thank you for writing this down. I’ve been searching for more than 6 mo to understand what happened and why he said the things he did.
DeleteHe literally said: “I could tell when I kissed you that I was in trouble”.
And later, “I will NEVER let a woman destroy my career again.”
I was like, whaaa???
His latest after I didn’t talk to him for 6 months: “yeah we were just way too attracted to one another.”
Ok. Recognition. More awards. More Money. Validation.
Yeah he’s beautiful genius. But such a lack of the ability to know a Diamond when she presents herself….Wow. Just SMH…😔
He came back, he said he missed me and I gave him another chance. He reached the point of telling me that he cared a lot for me, that is was deeply in love with me, that he desired me madly and that I had made him understand how his previous relationships were infatuations or obsessions, even the longest ’star-crossed’ crush of many years that he thought was the ‘love of his life’ even if impossible to live, before me, because he really felt an incredible connection with me and when we made love we became as one and he needed it as he needed my wonderful love. He said I made him feel things he thought were never meant for him but that he always dreamed of feeling. Then, when we were seriously taking the relationship to the next level, something sad happened to his ex (old crush, true love, I don’t know) with whom he was still in touch as friends, and he was there for her, which I knew, and appreciated. I thought he was sweet. I didn’t feel threatened, I felt sure of myself and what we had at that point. He kept looking for me and hungrily making love to me and telling me that I was like no other, that I channeled his emotions (which is not nothing), etc. At some point he started to ‘disappear’. Well, after a few days I was able to deserve a sort of reply. Basically he said he has duties and relationships to which he must be loyal that existed before I came into his life, so even if this hurts and angers me (and him as well, his words, not mine), we must limit our deep emotional connection but stay friends anyway. He sort of threw over me his own difficulty in managing his feelings for me and maybe his guilt for loving me while he had made promises of eternal love to his previous crush (the ‘obsession’) in the past. Or maybe he just suddenly changed his mind out of nowhere. I don’t know. This time I feel humiliated in a way that I have never experienced before in my life and the worse part is that I tried and tried to explain to him how some behaviors made me feel. He never listened to me for real. He just wanted to adore me but maybe he never really saw me. Can it be possible that out of sense of duty and loyalty someone ends up hurting this way the person they claim to love? Can someone be so rigid in the perception of their priorities? He was not loyal to me, does it not matter at all? At least this time I was sort of prepared, I was maybe unconsciously expecting it all the time. Now, there won’t be a next time, for sure. I am still decent enough to wish he does not play once again with his old crush’s feelings like he did with mine. But he will. He still has an open chapter with me if he didn’t lie completely about everything with me. Or he did. Or his condition just makes him shallow and selfish. Or it is not his condition but the way he just is as a person. Anyway, it is over. I shut him out. I know I will miss him but I also know that the person I will miss never existed, somehow. Thank you for listening.
DeleteAs an autistic woman I’ve unfortunately done what the autistic man did with work. And being consumed by obsession. I would like to apologize for our behavior. No excuse to do it if we know better for sure, which, now I do thanks to you. I gaslit my ex over his perspective for 5 years and now he has given up on true love. I always thought he was the bad guy but it was me. I truly wish I could balance work (survival) with a partner. But we do obsess over partners and work is survival, so he sounded like a misogynistic fuck but I know what he means. I would hope he learns to be self aware one day and see how he hurt you so he considers more before seeing someone again
DeleteOh my, my boyfriend of 18 months finished everything out of the blue two weeks ago, totally shocked, we are in our 50’s and I really adore him, he told me he has never been happier in the beginning, we had it all... then he just shut off... wouldn’t talk was very critical, I’m feeling I tell you, but this makes me feel better... no I do not want to be friends!!! Heartbreaking...
ReplyDeleteI believe they confuse obsession with love. My husband - I was with him for 4 years from age 19-23. I had a breakdown because the first year was bliss and then he just wanted me there in the background whilst he did his own thing. Unfortunately I then fell for a narcissist and after 17 years apart my path crossed with my ex who had been removed from the family home/his child due to inappropriate behaviour which I believe is down to autism. He made it his task to rescue me from my marriage (possibly to avoid dealing with his own trauma).
ReplyDeleteI took a chance on him because he said he'd changed, wasn't obsessional re hobbies anymore etc and for 3-4 years all was great but his behaviour was odd/confusing at times. He didn't like to deal with anything he didn't want to but the impact of this was masked by his sweet, cheerful demeanor.
Fast forward another 4 years and I asked him to leave a month ago. He was supposed to be my carer due to my mental health but retirement and more time on his hands led to obsessions with playing a pc game 12 hours a day, becoming a recluse, heavy drinking and sexual fetishes including an obsession with becoming a woman.
I am not saying he has malicious intent but the damage their behaviour causes is indescribable. For 3 years I felt ignored, unloved and rejected. He couldn't deal with anything he didn't find fun or any negative emotions. I had no peace whatsoever and he started to act quite cruel at times. I asked him to cut his fetishes down to 2 hrs a day and leave me out of it - the next day he said I'd taken the shine off it and felt suicidal. Being punished for his appalling behaviour was the last straw.
Since then he has had a complete collapse and made it his task to win me back and be the perfect husband. He has harassed me, played with my emotions, hasn't cared about my feelings and I've had to get the police involved and apply for a non molestation order. He text me the other night from his mother's and said should he buy another home or rent which is ridiculous as we have no money and he hasn't followed through with legal advice etc.
He never understands his part in the convo and how what he says leads to consequences. He ended up saying I was a money grabber, could have it all and took an overdose. The sexual obsessions meant he coercively controlled me and he has been arrested for assault.
These men, over time, reveal their inherent selfishness. I can understand now why his inappropriate behaviour led to social services getting involved re his child because even if they don't commit a crime they mentally damage you.
I can't believe he basically did a revenge attempt at suicide. He has been snapped out of his lazy, perverted world into the real one. It's so sad as I truly love him but the lack of any effort on his part is soul destroying and I'm not putting up with it anymore.
They are a conundrum because they can be very moral, loyal, happy go lucky but they don't understand the nuances, emotions, grey areas between wrong and right etc. It starts off as a daydream and turns into a nightmare. Better to love them from afar but work on the issues within yourself that are keeping you obsessed with gaining love and empathy from them as it isn't going to happen.
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 5 months ago. It has been the worst pain I have ever experienced, with so much confusion. Here’s the story: Both of his parents have more severe cases of Aspergers. When I met him, I had no idea he had it too, and I just thought he was different. I was intrigued by his awkwardness and sweet gestures. His playful nature was refreshing, coming from a previous long term relationship with a narcissist. As the relationship progressed, I started noticing that he was obsessed with making music, and often neglected my emotional and physical needs. When I would kindly approach him with my needs, he would ask me why I can’t just be happy, and say that I have anxiety issues and co-dependency. I never felt truly sought after, accept for when we were in the honeymoon phase.
ReplyDeleteHe even told me in the very beginning (red flags I didn’t see at the time because I thought it was sweet)….He said “normally I loose interest pretty fast and I don’t know why. But there is something different about you”. He also NEVER wanted to talk about emotional topics, or his past, not even my past….things that normal couples would use early on to bond. He even told me the WORDS “I don’t know, I think love is an obsession, and I don’t have time for that right now”. This came after I started getting upset that he still had not told me he loved me, 1-1/2 years into the relationship. He eventually did, but there were red flags everywhere. I over looked them all because he had such a sweet innocence about him.
Well, One day I met his parents, and questions started popping up in my mind. They were the sweetest people, but could not pick up on social cues, and constantly wanted to talk about the same topic every time I saw them. Almost like they were obsessed. I knew immediately that they were both on the spectrum. When I figured out that he was, it all made sense. I tried so hard to be close with his family, support his obsessions, and give him his space, at the expense of my own relationship needs.
Eventually he left me, it seemed like over-night. He didn’t communicate why, after 3 years together and almost 3 years of living together. He just said that he didn’t want to work on it anymore. I cried and begged, and didn’t understand. 2 weeks later he was with another woman, and 2 weeks after that he was saying he loved her. I was DEVASTATED, as I just assumed this was a temporary break, and he would come to his senses. After all, I was his only real relationship. At 34 years old, all of his previous relationships only lasted 3-6 months. Well, he blocked me when I found out about the other woman. She eventually broke his heart, and within 2 months, he reached back out.
He apologized, and even said sweet things that came off as if he wanted to try again. This friendzone behavior, of me helping him heal from the woman he left me for basically, lasted 1 month. Next thing I know, he goes cold again. He has already met someone else, after I had just filled his cup, and got my hopes up. Today he told me I need to grow up and accept that it’s over.
Almost 6 months out of break up now, and I have finally accepted that he will never want to try again as long as he has other new woman entertaining him. He doesn’t see the value of me being close and accepting with his family, doesn’t value the fact that I have a full on career, or the fact that I supported his dreams at all costs while we were together: I was the total package. I lost so much weight from the pain of all of this that my family asked if I had an eating disorder. The hardest part is that I never saw any of this behavior coming. Any of it. When they are done, they are done.
Moral of the story: while they may not do it on purpose, their hot and cold behavior will cause you to form a literal addiction to them. They don’t value things that others would value, and they see love as an obsession. I finally let him go because I realized he can’t help it. He will never change because it is something he can’t change.
Personally, people have the ability to change. It’s called accountability.
DeleteThis sounds really difficult. I hope you've come out the other side stronger. I can relate to a lot of this - my partner calls me anxious when I want to talk about our future, and calls me needy even though I'm independent and we've been in a long-distance relationship for most of six years. But I do feel insecure sometimes because of the distance and that would be evident in some ways. I regularly feel empty in his presence, and now I feel wary when he's sweet to me because I know it won't last and I have zero control over it. He never wants to talk about my past, or his. Addiction is such a good explanation!
DeleteI just ended a relationship with a guy who zi think may have
ReplyDeleteHonestly, don't waste your time with these men. You will miss out on a real life. It's all a fake show they put on thinking it will keep you happy. But deep down they don't and never will enjoy your touch or even understand what real love is. It's shocking how they really aren't even there but locked behind a glass window. Even hfa men are unable to meet any of your needs long term. They will always revert back to who they really are, just superficial roommates without any compassion, empathy or love.
ReplyDeleteVery well worded.
DeleteLove this. I questioned a relationship I was in for a while with Asperger’s but you want to believe others are like you so try giving the normal things people in a partnership should have ( if you have emotional maturity) it’s wise to remember they are wired differently. They can learn to say they get your point.. but they don’t. Their software is so different to yours if you’re a neuro typical. Always revert to that fact. Never expect consistent “normal” behaviour. They can mask and mirror but it’s all temporary and very draining for them🥰
DeleteWhen you realize your worth, you will prioritize your needs, feelings, and mental health above someone else. Most women are natural caregivers who enjoy taking care of people they love. Moreover, it’s important to receive validation and support from your significant other (SO). I’ve been dating someone on the spectrum and can relate to feelings of neglect and selfish behavior. I’ve come to realize that my time and feelings are equally important. Hence, I’ve allocated more time with friends and doing things I enjoy. He’s agreed to counseling but who knows if he will honor his word. Do NOT doubt your worth or if there’s anything more you can do…It’s not you! In order for a relationship to be healthy and successful, there must be effort from both people. Do NOT waste your time on someone who doesn’t want to put the work in to build a loving and healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteGreat response. I agree!
DeleteI've just realizing that I'm on the spectrum at 38 after dealing with my teenage son with it. I also had a love of my life that was on the spectrum. At the time I know something wasn't right with both of us but I didn't think that way back then. I did everything for him and putting his clothes on for him. I ended up leaving bc of his family and mine trying to keep us apart of each other but all these 3 years I have been obsessed with him I love him with all my heart I don't understand it bc he's not always nice to me. Why is this happening for me. I finally got help and he's in rehab and I can't help but think is this our time. I feel like we are soul mates and we are always going to find each other but is this a autistic thing I'm dealing and maybe he is to. I send him cards bc he loves to collect them. I get so frustrated bc I want to tell my people how I feel but it's like everyone is scared of hearing it bc they feel like something wrong with him. I believe he's beautiful. Is it possible for us to truly get help like I am and end up together and be able to get by in life together. I love him so much and I feel weird for that.
ReplyDeleteThank god I came across this article. I’m CURRENTLY heartbroken from being dumped, out of complete nowhere, last week! I couldn’t make sense of this one. His extreme intelligence (off the charts) and bluntness, led me down the path to figure him out. He stopped being intimate with me for weeks. When he dumped me, he actually told me that he’s having a problem inis-stating kissing and sex with me and can’t figure out why. He said he was very attracted to me, but hasn’t had this problem with other women (which devastated me )…. We had so much fun together, played games weekly (which I loved) I loved everything about him and now I’m completely heart broken and beyond confused. 😔
ReplyDeleteDo not try to make sense of the situation. It’s NOT you. I’ve dated a man on the spectrum and often doubted and second guess myself, because of his hot/cold behavior. I’ve been extremely patient and supportive about his need for “alone time” and routines. However, after 1.5 years, there’s a lack of reciprocity and support. When we spend time together, everything seems to revolve around his schedule. Further, he doesn’t include me in decisions about long term goals. For example, he discussed getting married, we go ring shopping, talk about moving in together, but he does a 180 and takes a management position and doesn’t feel the need to tell me he was promoted. Further, he becomes cold and mean. I spoke to close friends and they told be to run! Prioritize your needs…feelings…wants. Do NOT allow someone else to diminish your worth. If he does not cherish you, respect you and is not a loyal partner, then you need to move on.
DeleteI also got dumped on July 3. It was so awful. Im so depressed. I blame myself but not being different. I wasn't my best self in the relationship but I felt like I had another kid. I did everything for him. I was so tired. He complained that I wasn't sexy and stuff. But I was running a household and working and he worked and focused on himself. Im so confused. Like an off switch and now that's it, I'm dumped
DeleteMaybe I won't get the answer from anyone that would find themselves on this page. But does ANYONE find success in a neuro-diverse relationship? Looking for hope because I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel but I can't find a single success story... even if success is lower expectations.
ReplyDeleteI met the guy I was dating in January of this year. He was super sweet and nice and at first I could always tell something was off…. But due to the history of guys I had dated in the past I wanted something different. He wasn’t the typical guy I would go after, he was different. At first because we were friends his mannerisms use to just seem very “nervous like”.. I would notice he would ask me the same things over and over, I constantly had to repeat myself and he would get slightly agitated at small things. He also was very calculated… anytime we hung out was on a timed schedule.. no spontaneity. After about 2 months of being friends, we started have intercourse with each other and after about a month of that, I actually found out I was pregnant. Lord, that was the toughest thing I ever had to go through. He literally switched up on me so quick.. it was like he was trying to still be nice but he had this mean, cold side. I actually stayed with him for 4 weeks as I was trying to make a decision about what
DeleteI wanted to do and that’s just when I noticed something was terribly off, really bad. He was really just weird towards me. One day I texted him about it and he apologized and told me he had high functioning autism. He never ever told me that from the beginning … immediately I decided to terminate my baby even though I didn’t want to because I just didn’t want to put myself through something I couldn’t handle. I knew he loved me but by his actions I just knew he wasn’t going to be able to there for me and the baby in the way I needed him to. He was displaying those lead qualities actions. After the abortion we didn’t talk for 2 weeks. He reached out to me, he came over, we had a long talk and I thought he understood and we were going to try dating again but it was really hard. He was going through alot of changes and work and he would just shut me out, not communicate, just really be cold towards me. One thing he always did was remind me that he loved me and that it wasn’t me, it’s him but it still felt really Lonely. After a bad argument one day, we stopped talking again for 2 weeks and I started therapy. My therapist broke down everything to me and told me how difficult it would be to date him, have kids with him and the challenges. I decided to text him a few days later to check on him, and like nothing, we were back to it again.
Delete. Like nothing ever happened. He promised me he was feeling better and would try to really work on everything and I believed him. I would read books, articles, support groups and everything to just try to understand him better and love him in his way. I never wanted him to feel like anything was wrong with him. Ultimately; things started to get rough again. The only thing I would ask from him was communication. So if you want to be alone. That’s cool just let me know so I know not to bother you or if you feeling overstimulated just let me know so I can be where you need me. I never wanted him to change, I was open to changing because I realized it was easier for me to change… not him and that’s real love. One day we were arguing, and i just got overwhelmed so I drove 2 hours to his house to sit down and talk with him. He was so upset and said I crossed a boundary by coming not knowing what he had going on, but we were arguing so bad I just really came in peace to try to rectify the situation and show him, like hey I’m here working through everything with you .. never did I think he would take it so bad. He went on this whole rant about how I’ll never understand and then he told me I was right, I only ask him for one thing but the reason it’s hard for him to give it to me is because he grew up watching his father not communicate, being abusive, selfish, and never having to explain himself.. so it makes him really angry when he has to. I’ve never seen him in that light before, I tried to give him a hug and it wasn’t the Same type of hugs he normally gives. He was irritated because he wanted to go watch football and felt like because I was there he couldn’t but I told him I would leave and he didn’t want me to because it was late. It just was all over the place. I stayed the night there and we slept together but it was different. The next morning I left and I sent him a voice memo, apologizing for invading his space and thanking him for opening up to me… but he texted me back and said he thinks we need a break for a bit, to reset. I’m unsure what that means. So I’m giving him this break but honestly after all of the stories you guys shared in saying they’ll never change, even if he did come back I don’t think I can do it. I was open to working with him because I love him and I wasn’t going to let him being on the spectrum defeat our love, but if they never gone change and always mask it then it’s no point because it is a lonely relationship. They don’t know no better … but they are naturally selfish, Bratty and childlike and unless you are selfless, super patient and loving you not gone see them past their flaws. I love him, I really do but he had more then autism. He had alexiythemia as well as child hood trauma he needed to deal with and as bad and open as I was to go down the journey with him and show him what true love was… I don’t think he understood that , nor was prepared for the journey.
DeleteAre you the one with autism? I’m an Aspie in a great long term relationship.
DeleteLook like you both are gross and ungrateful people in general and just blaming your problems on autism. Is terrible for people who have autism and have no such problem.
DeleteMy autistic bf also dumped me two weeks ago. Out of the blue. After 1.5 years of him acting like he had never met anyone so wonderful, 1.5 years of just intense love and laughter and us both behaving like we were soul mates, he literally disappeared. It's been two weeks and he has yet to contact me or tell me why he has stopped all contact. There was some hot/cold nonsense that truly confused me in the midst of our relationship, but he never just disappeared. Before, I put it down to his neuro diversity and never pushed him. But now, just suddenly, nothing. Last time I saw him he told me he was tired. Then gone!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. I can really resonate. Similar sorry 18 months together. Everything was lovely and wonderful. He went to a festival and came back and finished things with me, out of nowhere. Says he can’t be in relationship and doesn’t want any responsibilities. He’s been cold and kind of mean to me since when I have tried to get my things back from his.
DeleteMarried for 35 years .Began to understand this is the condition he has.I first saw him as strong, quiet, and humble...along with handsome, hardworking and generous.The first year was wonderful, showered with attention and loyalty.Children came along, and his job took him away for 5 years...just visits.Being busy with 3 kids and a job didnt give me time to think about any more problems.Just hoping for the day he came home.He did ,for about 2 years.Then took another job overseas ...for 3 years...home for a year..than another overseas job for 5 years., I would visit and joke that were still dating. This kind of relationship is isolating, doesn't provide support.. emotionally, and limits communication .I began reading the bible for comfort and found A love stronger than mine.I look at what I have now, and continue to be thankful for those things.A relationship with God is the only perfect one. Now,He is retired like me and we are still married because I cant divorce in the eyes of God. He still does his own thing.He is polite, pays the bills and loves to cook.I know this is the life God has given me, and I find joy in so many things in life.I know its a very different path being married to someone with autism,.Yes, it requires so much from a person to endure feelings of rejection...But, there are no 2 people alike.And each one of us will have trials in our life. Mine showed me that I wasnt strong enough to go through it alone...God supplies our need..Its good to know about autism and how it affects relationships..
ReplyDeleteI was with my Aspergers partner for 3 years, with a 7 month break between each 1.5 year. He ended it two weeks ago saying we are no longer compatible. I’m absolutely heartbroken. We have a 2 year old son together. I don’t know how to move past the pain. We planned our future together and everything and he has ripped it from under us. I miss him so much and love him with every part of me. I Loved him unconditionally, done everything for him. For him to leave like I was nothing.
ReplyDeleteWow! I and so glad I came across this page.
ReplyDeleteI have very strong suspicions that my ex is on the spectrum. His grandfather was autistic and a lot of the behaviours he exhibits, point to this.
We were together 18 months. He told me he was in love with me the night we met. I just brushed it off. But his quirks very sweet and endearing. I fell in love with him. I was going through a very hard time, because my mom was dying of cancer at the time, and she passed away a year ago. He said he always be there for me, I was his soulmate and he’d do anything for me. We’ve had a couple of difficult times this year, and I know he was overwhelmed with work. But otherwise, he was still being loving and affectionate. He went to a festival couple of months ago, lost his phone, came back and split up with me. Said his head isn’t in the right place to be in a relationship. I was not happy with his explanation. I met up with him to get some things off him a few weeks after. He said he wasn’t in love with me and hadn’t been for the last year (jan-aug)! For apparently 8 months he didn’t love me and didn’t have the balls to breakup with me. But I find that really hard to believe? He could be so bluntly honest a lot of the time so I don’t know how he could have lied like that for 8 months. Having read this now, I feel like I was his obsession, not his love. And now I have been cast aside like I am nothing, it hurts deeply.
Let me share my crazy story with you as well. I met my ex at an international dating website about 14 months ago. Prior to that I was married to a narcissist for 12 years, have two daughters with that person, but he left me for another woman when my second daughter was 3 months old. I felt really devastated after that experience and in about 6 months after the divorce i decided to register at an international dating website. There I met my ex - we felt that special "connection" immediately, he was also going through a divorce so I thought we had a lot in common. We could chat for hours, he sent looong letters declaring love and affection. First time we met each other over the weekend in Turkey - i went there on vacation with my little daughter. Then he came to my country to celebrate the New Year together. There were some red flags back then but i didn't want to notice any of those - i thought it was just due to the difference in mentality (he seemed to be cold at moments; he never gave me any clarity about our mutual future especially when he was leaving after our rare meetings - i seemed to be "pushing" him all the time to take serious decisions in the relationship). Some things he said didn't sound nice at all but when i reacted he tried to persuade he had meant something different. At some point he mentioned that his older son was on spectrum but i had no idea what it was about and couldn't even think my ex was also autistic. I knew he needed to spend some time on his own, he liked reading a lot, he had a lot of "nerdy" hobbies like creating a "battle field game" (not sure about the term) and painting little miniatures for it, gardening etc. but i even liked it cos for me those were the signs that the man was serious and family-oriented. My ex seemed to be obsessed with me a bit - he had my pics as wallpapers on his gadgets, he put our photos and all my presents at a visible place at his living room (not very typical for a man but i adored it). After about 10 months of the relationship i started saying that i didn't like that long-distance version (going back and forth, no real connection) and after considering all the options my ex "proposed" in a very formal way - with no ring, no romance just saying that he calculated everything and we might be able to afford living together (with four kids under one roof). I got the visa (all the paperwork was extremely complicated) and went to my ex for us to get married in his country. Then i came back home, sold my car, sent 100kg of my stuff via an international delivery company, prepared all the papers for the kids - you can't even imagine how much effort it required (almost begged my ex husband to give the permission to allow the kids to travel with me and help with the visas) and finally in 1,5 months I was ready to fly to my new husband and start a new life abroad.
ReplyDeleteI was travelling alone with two kids, two suitcases, two backpacks, a laptop bag and a stroller (my ex didn't even offer me any help with that) but i was so blind with love that i was doing some impossible things at that time. One of our flights was cancelled due to the military situation in Armenia (was definitely a bad sign) so i had to take a taxi at 2am with all my luggage and the kids and cross the Georgian border. All in all, I crossed 5 borders in 2 days to get to my final destination!!! My new husband picked us up at the airport (no flowers... never...which had always been strange for me), brought us to his house and we had a really good time at the first 3 days... then he brought his 2 sons from their mom's place and everything changed. My lil daughter didn't sleep well at night and kept crying, the older daughter started protesting (argued with the youngest son of my new husband). I noticed that my ex became distant, didn't come up to me, didn't talk much, spent most of the time with his kids and i felt lonely and abandoned - no friends, no family around and the only person i know at a new place started kind of ignoring me... at some point i bursted out and told him about it which lead to some terrible consequences. First he replied that my words made him insecure and "maybe I should consider going back to my country"; a couple of days later he informed me that "he was afraid it might not work out". I couldn't believe my ears - i came 3000 km from abroad bringing 2 kids and my stuff, sold the car, changed the whole life but my husband "changed his mind". For the 4-5 next days i tried to talk to him, persuade to give it a try... (during that period my daughter started going to a new school already, we applied for residency etc.) In a couple of days my ex repeated his words that he thought we needed to go back to my country because he "couldn't handle that", "he was too weak", "he didn't have any energy left". At that particular moment he was changing his job and was all occupied with this process so when i tried to talk, kept sending messages and crying - he was very cold and distant. I felt as if I had a big hole in my chest - we had so many plans together, my family and friends said goodbye to me and the kids two weeks before that and now i had to go back - all defeated and broken to the core... After the agony phase i finally told my ex I respected his decision and was ready to leave. We spent the last 4 days sleeping on my older daughter's hideaway IKEA bed (me and the 2 kids) - my ex never asked if we were comfortable enough or maybe offered to change bedrooms...nothing. On the day of the departure he took us to the airport and gave me 200 Euros in case of "emergency" only after I mentioned it (my credit cards weren't accepted on the territory of the EU). I might have had difficulties with my departure because i didn't have any confirmation of applying for residency yet (the time period was too short for the departments to process the papers yet). But when we came to the airport my ex said "there are no parking lots so let me just drop you off here (2 kids, 2 suitcases, a stroller, 2 backpacks and a laptop bag) - just call in case of emergency".... I was totally shocked - as if i was dealing with a cold-blooded monster, i had never known him well enough to see that side of his... No goodbye, nothing, just a weird short message from him that he was sorry everything had turned out that way...He filed for divorce immediately and cancelled my language course subsription (even though it was a present).
ReplyDeleteA couple of days after the departure i received a message from him saying that he hoped i didn't claim an interest in his property otherwise he might claim for my property....
ReplyDeleteI'm still trying to survive after this terrible breakup, didn't hear from him for a month but have received a long email from him recently saying that he "didn't want the relationship to end, he just had a terrible mental breakdown, and he feels he lost something wonderful and important forever..." The email froze me for a while but I made myself answer and thank him for all the good moment and wish him the best. It's really hard to trust people after this experience, the only thing I'm sure about is that my low self-esteem and childhood traumas attracted a narcissist and a person with the lack of attachment and responsibility. Now I realise I've got so much to work on, this terrible story opened the darkest corners of my mind and I have to take care of myself to resurrect and be able to take care of my kids and start a new happy relationship one day...