==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
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What Your Negative Self-Talk Looks Like: Tips for People with ASD
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Why People on the Autism Spectrum Are Confused by Neurotypicals
- evaluating human voices
- assigning the emotional value of different stimuli (e.g., deciding when something is disgusting)
- attaching an incoming signal with an emotional value
- deciding whether a social signal really matters
- deciphering prosody, the additional tones and ways that people add layers of meaning to their spoken words
- generating an initial emotional response to social stimuli (e.g., Should someone’s tone really impact me as much as it does? What does someone’s look really mean, and am I overreacting?)
- generating reactions in response to different situations
- helping control basic visual information
- helping us notice where someone else is looking
- selecting which of the myriad incoming social signals are the most important
- allowing us to observe other human bodies
- allowing us to know when incoming social signals are rewarding
- helping us to not just listen to what people say, but HOW it is said
- observing minute details of facial expression and body language
- perceiving important social cues
- regulating strong human emotions
In a way, you can say that people with AS and HFA have an overly-developed rational brain, and an under-developed social brain.
- appear to only be concerned with their own needs and wants
- experience a delay in the development of the idea that the self is equal in importance to that of others
- have difficulty understanding that others have their own mind, point of view, feelings, and priorities
- problems attributing mental states to others or to be able to describe what others might be feeling in a given situation (the ability to guess others’ states of mind is related to one’s ability to effectively practice introspection on one’s own)
- the inability to guess others’ mental states often results in (a) “social mistakes” (e.g., unintentionally saying something highly offensive), and (b) attributing negative intentions in others that aren’t there
- a lack of developed private self-consciousness, which is a predictor of paranoia (the ability to know one’s self in some way relates to the skill in attributing feelings and motivations to others)
- will take statements by others in a more concrete and literal fashion
- they have to work harder than NTs at theorizing what others are experiencing
- are more concerned with facts, figures, and data than relating to people
- they need more time than others to understand social subtleties in language (e.g., irony, sarcasm, some forms of humor)
- difficulty linking behavior of others to their inner feelings, and as a result, can’t understand or predict someone’s behavior
- difficulty linking their own behavior to the feelings of others, thus they are unable to anticipate or predict such a response
- put more weight on words or actions
- put less weight on body language, facial expressions, and physical appearances
- don’t put them in a position where they have to decipher hints, innuendos, subtext, or passive-aggressive behavior – instead, use plain speech
- don’t assume that their lack of normal eye contact means that they are sneaky, lying, or undependable
- talk about what you “think” about a particular topic, rather than how to “feel” about it (e.g., “I think a conservative political viewpoint contributes to the individual becoming more self-sufficient and less reliant on government” … instead of, “How do feel about conservatism”).
More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...
30 Common Issues that Partners of Asperger’s and HFA Adults Experience
Below are some very common traits of the disorder that may contribute to relationship problems. Some (and I say ‘some’ – not all) of these traits have nothing to do with your Asperger’s or HFA partner being an insensitive jerk, rather they are symptoms of the disorder that the affected person may have little control over:
- a common marital problem is unfair distribution of responsibilities (e.g., the partner of a person with Asperger’s or HFA may be used to doing everything in the relationship)
- “Aspies” (i.e., people on the autism spectrum) are known for their adherence to routines and schedules, and they can become highly anxious if the expected routine is disrupted
- they experience difficulties in empathizing with their NT partner
- after accepting that their Asperger’s of HFA partner's disorder won't get better, common emotions include guilt, despair and disappointment
- “Aspies” are often mistaken as being ignorant and vain individuals
- they are very literal in what they say
- have difficulty comprehending complex words, phrases and expressions (e.g., metaphors and jokes)
- have difficulty in maintaining friendships
- many partners of “Aspies” state that there is a failure to have their own needs met
- "Aspies" have difficulty knowing when to start or stop a conversation
- do not take very well to a sudden change in their daily time table
- fail to interpret change of voice-tone of others
- find it difficult to express themselves
- follow routines and rituals religiously
- are usually more interested in tasks (or objects) than people
- frustration, since problems in the relationship don't seem to improve despite great efforts, is a common reaction in NT partners
- “Aspies” usually have an intense or obsessive interest or hobby
- many NT partners feel overly responsible for their “Aspie”
- people on the autism spectrum may be confused at the way other people behave, because they are unable to understand social ways of conduct
- may lose interest in people and appear aloof most of the time
- partners of the people on the spectrum often feel a sense of isolation, because the challenges of their relationship are different and not easily understood by others
- people with Asperger’s and HFA have problems controlling feelings such as anger, depression and anxiety
- some NT partners state that they frequently wonder about whether or not to end the relationship
- subtle messages that are sent by facial expression, eye contact and body language are often missed by people on the spectrum
- they have problems understanding another person's emotions and/or point of view
- difficulty managing appropriate social conduct
- difficulty with thinking in abstract ways
- there is often a lack of emotional support from family members and friends who don't fully understand or appreciate the extra strains placed on a relationship affected by Asperger’s or HFA
- “Aspies” have difficulty imagining alternatives to social incidents (i.e., can’t predict a normal course of action according to social norms)
- they are usually at a loss in choosing a topic to speak on, unless it’s their special interest

There are others who don’t function well in a work environment, but can maintain one or a few friendships or acquaintances. And then there are those who can’t maintain employment or sustain friendships, but can create software programs or produce beautiful art, for example. There are numerous combinations, and all could be considered part of the disorder, depending on how you look at it.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
Recent Poll on the Divorce Rate Among NT Women and AS Men
Their responses fell into 4 general categories: (1) married with no plans for divorce; (2) married, but one or both spouses are making plans for divorce; (3) divorced; and (4) married, but separated.
Here’s the statistical outcome of the survey:
- 28 women stated: Married with no plans for divorce (70%)
- 6 women stated: Married, but one or both spouses are making plans for divorce (15%)
- 4 women stated: Divorced (10%)
- 2 women stated: Married, but separated (5%)
In summary:
- In this survey, the divorce rate was only 10%.
- 70% of these women are married (many of which stated they are “hanging in there,” but “dissatisfied” with the marriage).
- 30% are in some state of marital difficulty, or have already divorced.
- Still together and mostly happy with the relationship
- Still together but mostly unhappy with the relationship
- Still together but considering separation or divorce
- Planning for separation or divorce
- Already separated or divorced
- Other
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy in large part due to weekly couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in Adults with Asperger's
- Anonymous said…Still together after 29 years but considering therapy to combat loneliness and frustration in the marriage.
- Anonymous said… Married 18 years and happy but sometimes lonely.
- Anonymous said… Not happy. 20 years. Considering separation.
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship
- Anonymous said… Still together as roommates and companions. Serious thought to divorce
- Anonymous said… Haven't had a partner for 5 years and very happy with that
- Anonymous said… Divorced for many years and very happy with my relationship with him now after many years.
- Anonymous said… Been together 1 year and happy 98% of the time
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship. We are engaged and have been dating for 5 1/2 years.
- Anonymous said… Married for better or worse 26 years ago. Many rough patches but still together and mostly happy 😊
- Anonymous said… Happily together since 1992, married since 2007. For the most part things are good but we have major work/life balance issues. We are DINKS (Dual Income, No Kids)
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship xx
- Anonymous said… ` Still together and mostly happy with the relationship
- Anonymous said… Celebrated 21 years of marriage two weeks ago. Mostly happy after at least 10+ years of very hard work and two separations, one for 2 months and the second 2 years later for 9 months. There were years I wished desperately I had left.
- Anonymous said… Still together - separated, but not legally.
- Anonymous said… was married for 16 years and now divorced for almost 10 years.
- Anonymous said… Still together 34 years and 75% happy?
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship. I have learned how to deal with all his quirks and when to just let things go. We have been married 23 years. It is just a "different kind of relationship" that works for both of us! I think most NT's would have divorced one another.
- Anonymous said… Still together 15 yrs married and 5 knowing him. Mostly happy. Sex isn’t there. But he’s fine with an open relationship. So I have options.
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship. *WITH SHORT BURSTS OF ABSOLUTE HIDEOUSNESS
- Anonymous said… Still together. Happy for almost 7 years. The last year has been a roller coaster.
- Anonymous said… Still together (married a little over a year), planning to stay together & find a way to be mostly happy, but not quite sure how yet . . .
- Anonymous said… Still together but mostly unhappy with the relationship,together 11years with 4 children
- Anonymous said… Seperated, after 13yrs of marriage.
- Anonymous said… 33 years married and miserable.
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship. 27 years and counting.
- Anonymous said… Married 18 years, divorced
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy we have our struggles but I love is pulling us through where patience fails
- Anonymous said… 6 months married and mostly happy 💜
- Anonymous said… Still together and very happy
- Anonymous said… Still together and been married nearly 31 years. Mostly happy now but certainly had some challenges like all relationships and tend to feel lonely now and again.
- Anonymous said… Married 37 years to a wonderful man who tries very hard to be present, loving and considerate.
- Anonymous said… 30yrs. Still together and mostly happy with the relationship.
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy. 16 years and going strong ❤️
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly deliriously happy, sometimes miserable. 😄
- Anonymous said… Still together but somewhat unhappy with the relationship, still trying though. I'm neurotypical and he's hfa
- Anonymous said… Separated but still in specialized therapy so we can co-habitats and co-parent together. Thank god we have a little guest house out back. I no longer feel like a hostage in my own home. This took 4 years for me to get to. Both of us committed to making this work for the kids. 8 more years to go!!!
- Anonymous said… Already divorced but not due to the autism issue - that was diagnosed afterwards for the child
- Anonymous said… Still together but mostly unhappy with the relationship.
- Anonymous said… Divorced and trying to coparent
- Anonymous said… Still together and mostly happy with the relationship. (13 years
- Anonymous said... other
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
Oppositional Defiant Disorder in Adults: What Partners/Spouses Need to Know
As many parents can attest to, ODD is not an uncommon comorbid disorder in children with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism. Most kids with ODD outgrow the disorder by age eight or nine.
Adults with ODD often feel mad at the world, and lose their temper regularly (e.g., verbal abuse, road rage.) Constant opposition to authority figures makes it difficult for them to keep jobs and to maintain relationships and marriages. They are particularly quick to anger, are impatient, and have a low tolerance for frustration. They usually feel misunderstood and disliked, hemmed in, and pushed around. Also, they often defend themselves relentlessly when someone says they’ve said or done something wrong.
Signs of ODD that may be apparent at work include:
- Commonly feeling oppressed by office rules
- Has meltdowns during meetings or annual reviews after receiving constructive criticism
- Near constant arguments with a boss or coworkers
- Previously fired for inappropriate behavior toward coworkers in heated moments
- Purposely engaging in behaviors that irritate coworkers
- Sanctioned by human resources for violating company policies
- Passive-aggressive behaviors
Signs of ODD that may be apparent at home include:
- Leaves his dirty clothes on the floor just because he knows it annoys his partner or spouse
- Involved in physical altercations in public
- Has a hair-trigger temper (the littlest thing can set him off)
- Continues to fight against authority figures and society
- Cited for disorderly conduct by police
- Always needs to win the argument with a parent or spouse
- Passive-aggressive behaviors
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... I am also wondering this. Married 25 years and have had enough as it seems so much worse now such a rollercoaster. I dread waking up now as it all starts again day in day out. Tried a few times of asking him to leave but always feel so guilty so we are still carrying on. Friends say i have Stockholm :(
• Anonymous said... this sounds just like my AS husband. Only we're still married with a two yr old. I wish I could leave. I'm miserable.
• Anonymous said... Hmm, I'm dealing with somebody like this. I was looking for how pyrroles treatment is tricky in people with Tourette's, and my eye was drawn to this term as one of the conditions often associated with pyrroles. Sure enough, it seems it applies to my freind. He is nearly 80 and since gotten more well is back to this stuff. Oppositional to reason when it doesn't suite him, and difficulties in accessing things. He opposes authority in a way he is not content unless he is expressing authority/superiority over other people. His history is like what has been described here. The thing about ODD ending abruptly when you are 18: As the term doesn't mention childhood, it should persist throughout life.
• Anonymous said... I can't leave because I am on social security. Life is upsetting wirh him every minute if everyday. No cooperatiin the blaming nme fir stupid made up stuff in hus mind. Belittling me . I say blue he says green. Can't have an adult conversation discuss solutions to problems with him. He thinks he is right about everything.
• Anonymous said... I have a boyfriend he has all the signs and symptoms of O.D.D. he told me he has ADHD. We were at a restaurant he got upset and started rage yelling the manager was going to call the cops.I was so embarrassed and ashamed. I have tried to end our relationship he always begs me not to leave. We love each other it's very exhausting. I told him he needs to get help If this relationship will work. He says he wants to change. He needs to show me. I've caught him in so many lies.
• Anonymous said... I have an aspie husband I think has odd… my child has odd just diagnosed I'm about to throw in the towel I can't handle it double dosed. What support can I find for me to cope better and not get overwhelmed
• Anonymous said... I have been living with an aspergers spouse with undiagnosed ODD for 26 yrs. Is it possible that the condition worsens with age?
• Anonymous said... I have had enough of being an ODD parent to my husband - I am exhausted!
• Anonymous said... I was told recently by my current mental health RNP that ODD is only a kid thing, and that I couldn't possibly have it because I am an adult. SO FRUSTRATING.
• Anonymous said... last few days our class held a similar talk about this subject and you point out something we have not covered yet, thanks.
• Anonymous said... My adult son has ODD. A Lifetime of struggles. Refuses therapy, self meditates with weed, unable and unwilling to live on any kind if budget, spends all his money on good times and weed, puts no priority into meeting his financial obligations first, always pressuring me into helping him financially. Always angry, emotional outbursts on a regular basis, he is a Terrible Son,also a terrible Father, drove wife away and 2 years later continues to obsess about her, refusing to accept it's over and blames everyone else for his plight. My feelings for him go from love to hate and wanting him to go away forever....but he won't, and no hope for change because he refuses to accept his condition or get any therapy. Went to family counseling for 8 years as a kid and never got help because HE REFUSED TO PARTICIPATE. Finally letting him move into a house I own 2000 miles away in hope that our relationship might improve. I'm over 60 years old and I'm exhausted with this.....dont I have a right to some peace and happiness without having some guilt trip put on me or some havoc being created to prevent me from living my life????? HELP!!!!!
• Anonymous said... At what point do we say that this type of behavior is more likely trait(s) of personality disorder than O.D.D.? Esp in adult (62 yo) who grew up in a world that didnt recognize hfa until they were age 30
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