If you’re in a relationship with intense baggage, conflict, or symptoms that seem similar to PTSD, there’s a good chance you’re in a toxic relationship with an emotionally abusive partner or spouse, and are suffering as a result.
Whether you actually qualify for a PTSD diagnosis or not, these feelings are very real and prevent you from having a healthy life - both physically and emotionally.
Here are 10 signs that people often experience when they are in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship with someone on the autism spectrum:
1. You have lost interest in having sex with this person. In fact, just the thought of it can make you a bit sick. You don’t enjoy spending time with him or her, and you dread such things as meal time and phone calls etc. Most social contact with this person causes you an element of distress.
2. You often feel worthless and notice your confidence and self-esteem are waning.
3. You often have thoughts of divorcing this person, which brings you a sense of temporary relief. But this is quickly followed by feelings of guilt for even contemplating divorce.
4. You often have intense feelings of isolation and loneliness. This may occur when your Asperger's partner is off somewhere engaging in his or her "special activity," or when this person is in shutdown mode as a way to cope with relationship-related stress.
5. You blame yourself at some level for being "stupid" enough to fall in love with a person who is this selfish, uncaring, and insensitive. This person wasn't abusive early in the relationship, but now you feel like a fool or a sucker for not noticing the red flags "back in the day."
6. In your heart of hearts, you know you can’t continue living like this, but you’re having a very hard time letting go and moving on.
6. In your heart of hearts, you know you can’t continue living like this, but you’re having a very hard time letting go and moving on.
7. You often have intrusive thoughts, "waiting for the other shoe to drop." When is your Asperger's partner going to have his or her next meltdown or temper tantrum? As one neurotypical spouse stated, "Whenever things are going well and my AS husband is calm, this little voice creeps in my head that says, 'This won’t last. Don’t trust this. The other shoe is going to drop at any moment.' And it always does." [This is a sign of PTSD, by the way.]
8. You feel like you are constantly walking on egg shells, and you frequently apologize for "upsetting" this person.
9. You have tried really hard to not say or do anything to be upsetting to this person, but your best efforts usually fail.
10. You frequently feel anxious and/or depressed. Flashbacks from past disputes, as well as a few nightmares, are not uncommon.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteYES TO ALL
ReplyDeleteI am a girlfriend that was in a long term relationship. where is help for the nt trying to move foward? this is like an addiction of the soul.
ReplyDeleteIs it abuse if my asd husband hits, pushes, yells, threatened, put hands around my neck, destroys my possessions, throws my phone in the bushes?
DeleteWho cares, get the hell out of that now!!
DeleteAll I did was be understanding for years, constant forgiving of bad behavior. I was told every time after a verbal assalt, that took him contacting me when he was ready, just to say I just have to understand...That's all I had done for years. It got worse. He never does anything in front of a friend or co worker-Just aimed at me in private.
DeleteThank you for your response. Is your partner ASD or Aspergers?
DeleteI feel most of these, spot on 😢 17 years of marriage and my self worth has eroded, PTSD, constantly in edge and can’t talk about my feelings or all hell breaks loose.. He gets obsessive over his hobbies and it intrudes into regular life all the time (can even sit and watch a show together without him looking things up on his phone for his current project). He’s always right and the way i feel is wrong, the list goes on…. He lies and withholds information he should be sharing. He feels entitled to do whatever he thinks is ok for him to do even if it hurts me (we have boundaries, he has had problems with infidelity) I am always so anxious i can’t breathe…. Before i meet him i was different, stronger, said I’d never put up with this kind of bullshit. I don’t know how Igot to where I am now..
ReplyDeleteI’ve been with the same man for 10 years, married for 8. We have our 5 year old son together. I have CPTSD from childhood trauma and have engaged in 11 years of therapy and self healing. My husband didn’t recognise his autism until we met. No one has ever brought it up and he never looked into it himself. He seems to walk around being almost completely unaware of himself. He never looks in the mirror. He is a gentle and loving man in lots of ways and he has always been kind. But we have had a merry go round conversation for the past 10 years. He has dissociations and shutdowns which he is unaware of and I am not allowed to bring them up with extreme defensiveness. He comes in and out of being present and I feel so alone and often like a single parent. Each shutdown triggers my own mental health, which I am trying my best to recover from. And when I talk about how unhealthy our relationship is for both of us, he gets upset and makes out that I am giving up on him. I am exhausted and so feel I have to put my son’s and my own needs first now in order to be the best mother I can be for my son. It often feels like I have two children. I am so sad 😞
ReplyDeleteI feel exactly the same and I just don’t know what to do. Are you doubting your decisions or even are at the point where you can’t even pick a paint color for a room? Like you need someone else to approve these so you know you are making the right decisions? I don’t know what happened to be but as I realize and go back and forth with myself. Is it emotional abuse if he doesn’t realize he’s doing it? So lost.
DeleteOmg yes! I say that all the time! What is wrong with me? I cannot make any kind of dumb decision. One of them was picking out paint colors. I really don’t know what to do. The more I research, the more I feel validated.
DeleteWhat makes it worse is how whenever I bring up their problematic behavior, it either gets blamed on me or they will use autism as a way to explain their bad behavior and accuse me of being a bad person for acknowledging it... I've come to terms that autism is just another word for narcissist. Or at least it feels that way at times. It's always all about them and their interests. Very selfish, self centered people from my experience. This is a BIG toxic trait and there needs to be more awareness of it. I often ask myself why we as humans coddle autism so much oppose to other mental disorders... is it the intellectual disability that triggers our sympathy? Either way it needs to stop. Autism can not be used as an out. Unfortunately they seem to thrive off of our sympathy and empathy, and they weaponize it. You don't get a free pass in this world, although good luck explaining this to autistic adult.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with you. What you're saying is entirely true. Unfortunately as women we have a maternal instinct which makes us want to help them and feel guilty for even thinking of leaving. We keep thinking they will suddenly change but it only gets worse with time. But there are days when things get so bad I sometimes wish he would suddenly disappear into mid air and all my troubles would be over. I've become his or guardian or mom who has to hide my tears after a vicious verbal attack on me. He is now over age 66 and has become the grouchy old man who is cranky, mean and angry most days. This is not including his Aspergers which causes anxiety and depression. I will have to run away in the middle of the night because I'm losing my mind because of all the abuse I have to endure.
DeleteYour story is my story. What has helped me is I finally starting taking care of myself first. It took me a long time to be able to do this, over 30 years of marriage. . I finally realized he is the one that needs to manage his mental disorder. Hopefully he will take the necessary steps so that he can have a more fulfilling life. For now, we are traveling on different paths. At this point I am not sure we will ever join together on the same path again.
DeleteAnd what about an autistic husband that is abused by his NT wife?
ReplyDeleteI guess I’m the only male here dealing with this, but all these are exactly how I feel. Before I got here I was looking up battered husband syndrome. Cause I’m not the man I used to be I’m much less then. I unfortunately got her pregnant she’s literally due any moment. So it’s a combination of hormones and never properly diagnosed for autism. But she’s mean to me right from morning till night. There’s small good times but the bad overshadows them. I hope she calms a bit especially for our daughter. I really don’t want her to be like her at all. I can’t afford counseling cause she also overspends you calm herself but that puts me in tough spots and the lowered confidence has destroyed my own perception of what I can do.
ReplyDelete