Support &amp; Education for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Why Your Partner/Spouse on the Autism Spectrum Prefers Tasks & Objects Over People & Relationships

More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Your ASD Partner's Meltdowns ALWAYS Start with Anxiety

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Why People with Asperger's and HFA Feel "Out of Place"

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Sad and Dark Thoughts in Adults with Asperger's and HFA

Are you constantly thinking about the same thoughts, especially those that are sad or dark?

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Does Your Partner/Spouse Have Asperger's or Narcissism or Both?

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

WHAT?! I May Have Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism!!!

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Should You Seek A Formal Diagnosis For High-Functioning Autism (Aspergers)?

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Why Your Partner with Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism is So Reluctant to Change/Cooperate

“I’ve been reading a lot on this site. I have to ask, why does it seem that men with Asperger syndrome are so unwilling to change or compromise in their relationships?”

Well, there are two kinds of obstacles that hinder change – those that are outside of you (e.g., the environment), and those that are inside (e.g., anxiety).

Some of the common reasons that people on the autism spectrum don’t – or won’t – change include the following:

1. Not cooperating is less painful than trying to cooperate (the path of least resistance). In many cases, people with Asperger’s (AS) or High-Functioning Autism have legitimately tried to “please” their neurotypical partner – but to them, it seems that “no matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough” (a direct quote I hear often from married men with AS). So, in their way of thinking, “no attempt at change” is not as bad as “a botched attempt at change” (this is usually a self-esteem problem due to repeated “social blunders”).

2. Their environment is holding them back (largely a sensory-sensitivity problem - as well as a social-skills deficit issue when relating to others around them at home, work, etc.).

3. Their NT partner or spouse has not set relationship-boundaries (i.e., what is - and is not - acceptable) that are attainable and understandable for the person with AS (e.g., when bringing up a critical issue, the NT has had a poor delivery, bad timing, wording things in ways that increase anxiety, etc.).

4. Partners with AS have problems with their own mistakes (i.e., they tend to be perfectionistic and OCD in certain areas - and hate feeling like a “failure”). In other words, if they try something new, and it doesn’t yield the desired results QUICKLY, they give up easily and view the attempt as “a total catastrophe” (i.e., classic black-and-white thinking that is common in Asperger’s).

5. They lack confidence that they will be successful with something outside their comfort zone (mostly an anxiety issue). Change is scary to them. Doing things for the first time or stepping into the unknown can be overwhelming.

6. They simply don’t want to change, because they don’t see any need for it (often a mind-blindness issue). If they don’t really want to make the change deep down, then it will be very hard to go the distance. And once their mind has decided on a particular course or action (or inaction, in this case) - they are immovable!

7. In those cases where they actually are open to change, they don’t know how to do it in a practical sense (largely an executive-function deficit issues).

Above, I have mentioned (directly or indirectly) the following issues (click on the issue for more information):

1.    Self-esteem issues
2.    Sensory sensitivities and associated frustrations
3.    Communication problems
4.    OCD, perfectionism and associated inflexibility
5.    Strong need for routine and structure
6.    Executive-function deficits
7.    Anxiety

More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...

Your Anxiety Is Based On Fiction: Tips For Anxious People On The Spectrum - And Their Partners

==> Acute Anxiety in Adults with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism

==> Anxiety-Reduction Techniques for Adults with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism

==> The Deceptiveness of Anxiety

Promoting Social Reciprocity in Your "Disengaged" Autistic Spouse

“When I speak to my husband (with ASD level 1), he often offers no response at all. Whether I’m just making chit chat, or asking a question, I ALWAYS have to repeat myself because he’s not listening. Is this a common issue for others in an NT/AS relationship? Any tips on how to get him to pay more attention to what I’m saying (at least a little bit)?”

A significant issue for people with ASD [high-functioning autism] is a lack of “social or emotional reciprocity” (e.g., inappropriate or limited responses to others, limited offers of comfort shown towards others).

While neurotypical people (i.e., non-autistic) are attentive to others, people with AS often exhibit difficulty engaging in social interactions for a number of reasons (e.g., being highly focused on their current activity or thought, attention deficits, being overwhelmed by environmental-sensory stimuli, etc.) Many researchers consider “social-interaction deficits” to be the core deficit of ASD.

Impairments in social interaction associated with ASD often include:

lack of: spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment and interests; responding to the emotions of others; responding to social initiations made by others; interest in non-preferred activities; friendship-seeking behavior
difficulties understanding the facial expressions and body language of others
deficits in nonverbal behaviors (e.g., eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, gestures) to regulate social interaction

As one NT wife stated: "We don't play 'conversational Ping Pong'. I do the 'ping' - then I have to run down to the other end of the table and do the 'pong' too. I'm basically in a conversation with myself."

In order to help people with ASD to better connect and collaborate with others, social skills may need to be taught. Unlike “typically developing” individuals, these skills do not develop instinctively with autism.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

There are many techniques to work around this “social-reciprocity-deficit,” and a good place to start may be balanced turn-taking. Yes, this may seem like such a juvenile exercise in light of the fact that you (the NT spouse) and working with a grown-up. But again, social reciprocity does not come naturally to people with this developmental disorder.

Balanced turn-taking entails the individual with ASD and - in this case - his NT spouse participating in a balanced, back and forth interaction to increase the length of attention and engagement. If your husband is willing to try this, you can literally role-play some give-and-take conversation skills.

You will want to use open-ended questions to avoid one-word responses. These questions can’t be answered with a simple 'yes' or 'no', and instead require your husband to elaborate on his points. Open-ended questions help you see things from his perspective as you get feedback in his own words instead of stock answers.

For example, you can ask your husband some of the questions below, then you answer the same question per your experience (or you start first, then he takes his turn). Some of the following are simply “fill in the blank” statements.

NOTE: Some husbands on the spectrum will feel like this is a childish exercise - and may even be offended by the idea. But if your husband recognizes that there is a real problem with his back-and-forth conversation style, it would be good to practice this on a daily basis for about 10 minutes:

What was the most scared you have ever been?
What was the happiest you have ever been?
Our kids would freak out if they knew what?
What is the most prominent memory you have of your childhood?
My funniest memory of our dating days was __________ .
My favorite photo of us is the one where __________ .
If you could spend time just talking to any one person, who would it be?
If you could spend 24 hours doing anything in the world with me, what would it be?
If I could have lived during a different time period, it would be __________ .
If you had nine lives, what dangerous things would you try?
If I could have any super power, it would be __________ .
If I could eat anything and it not affect my health, I would feast on __________ .
I wish I had learned to __________ .
I used to always wish I could __________ .
I like it best when you refer to me as __________ .
I laugh every time I think of you doing __________ .
I feel you love me the most when you __________ .
Did you know that it scares me so much to __________ .
If you had all the money you needed, what’s the strangest thing would you purchase?
Before we are together in heaven, I pray that here on earth we __________ .

* Use your imagination to come up with additional questions and fill-in-the blank statements as those listed above. Make a game out of it!

If your ASD husband is up for a little social-skills training, then by all means, try this! It will work for some, and not so much for others. Some NTs have reported that this exercise was a real game-changer in the relationship (because they were finally having a few moments of "quality" time). Others have said it worked moderately well, but was still interesting and better than nothing. And some have stated "there is no way in hell I'm even going to try this."

As one NT wife stated: "My husband of 33 years does this to me too. I've learned to actually make eye contact with him to make sure he hears me. I always start of the conversation with "I need to talk to you about..." or I'll say "I think we need to spend some quality time together"? I always make sure that I have eye contact with him. I also make sure he looks at me too. Hope that helps."

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Why Your Husband with ASD is So Inflexible

“Mark - my husband is the most inflexible person I have ever dealt with in the entire life. When his mind is made up, he is immoveable and totally closed to other suggestions on how to deal with issues (e.g., our kids, financial things that come up, chores that need to be done around the house, just to name a few). So, my question is: is this part of his aspergers, and why is he so closed to alternative ideas?”

Yes… it’s part of the disorder. And, there are several important reasons why people with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism are “inflexible” (to use your term). We call this “cognitive rigidity”:

Brain Dysregulation—

The brains of people on the spectrum are structurally normal, but “dysregulated” (i.e., there is an impaired regulation of a bundle of neurons in the brain stem that processes sensory signals from various areas of the body).

Cortisol Deficit—

Cortisol is a key factor in understanding Asperger’s (ASD level 1). It is one of several stress hormones that acts similar to a red alert that is triggered by stressful circumstances, which helps the person to react quickly to changes. In neurotypical (non-Asperger's) people, there is a two-fold increase in levels of cortisol within 30 minutes of waking up – and levels gradually declining during the day as part of the internal body clock.

People with Asperger’s don’t have this peak first thing in the morning, which is highly significant in explaining why people with Asperger’s are less able to react and cope with unexpected change (throughout the day, but especially in the morning).

They don’t adjust normally to the challenge of a new environment on waking, which may affect the way they subsequently engage with the world around them. By viewing your husband’s symptoms as a “stress response” rather than stubbornness may help you develop a few techniques for avoiding circumstances contribute to his anxiety.

Executive Dysfunction (more information here)—

This deals with impulse control, inhibition, mental flexibility, planning, the initiation/monitoring of action, and working memory. This explains some of the symptoms of Asperger’s (e.g., poor social interaction due to a defect in cognitive shifting, repetitive and restricted behavior).

Theory of Mind Deficit (more information here)—

Theory of mind is the intuitive understanding of one’s mental state -- and the mental state of others (i.e., emotions, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, knowledge, intentions and desires – and of how those mental states influence behavior). Your husband most likely has great difficulty understanding others thoughts, feelings, and motivations, which is the core cognitive deficit.

Weak Central Coherence—

This is the inability to understand the context of a situation or to see the big picture. This explains common behaviors found Asperger’s (e.g., repetitiveness, focusing on parts of objects, persistence in behaviors related to details, etc.).

I hope that makes sense. Thanks for the question.

~ Mark

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder