Help for NT/ASD Spouses
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Why Your Spouse on the Autism Spectrum is Depressed
"Why is my husband [Asperger's] depressed all the time? Is depression part of the disorder? He doesn't talk much nowadays and seems to have very little quality of life in general. What can be done to help him? We haven't been getting along well for quite a while."
This is not surprising - and is a very common occurrence with people on the autism spectrum. My experience has been that these ASD individuals who are depressed a lot have been under pervasive, chronic stress over a long period of time.
Depression very rarely causes anxiety, but prolonged anxiety always causes depression. It's physically and emotionally draining to be under the influence of stress hormones 365 days-a-year ... a steady drip-drip-drip of adrenaline, noradrenalin, cortisol, Cortizone - all the stress chemicals wears-and-tears on them until it negatively affects their mood in the form of depression.
Feeling like a failure in the marriage is another major contributor to depression in males on the autism spectrum. They really want to please their wife (seriously, they do) but haven't figured out how to do this on a consistent basis. Being on the receiving end of what feels to him like chronic complaints about his "lack" slowly sucks a lot of self-esteem out of him, which reinforces his negative belief that he is indeed a social failure.
So, to work on the depression would be simply treating a symptom. It would be much better to treat the cause - which is anxiety! And the main cause of anxiety is the ASD individual's faulty belief system - and associated negative self-talk.
So in treating people with depression, I’m looking at the thinking errors they have about themselves (and the world in general), along with the destructive inner-monologue and commentary those thinking errors generate, AND the resultant self-fulfilling prophesies that often occur (i.e., believing in something negative for so long that it eventually becomes a reality).
The cycle often looks similar to this:
The cycle often looks similar to this:
- "I never get it right. So, I'm in a constant state of either trying harder or simply giving up" [thinking error].
- "Trying harder and/or giving up doesn't fix my problems [anxiety], and is wearing me out" [depression].
- "Things will just get worse from here on, I guess" [setting up a self-fulfilling prophesy].
On a related note, your Asperger's husband would benefit greatly from our ongoing men's group (diagnosed with ASD, or otherwise). In these groups, we take a deep dive into the issues of anxiety, depression, thinking errors, social skills, building self-esteem, and much more.
More resources:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples [eBook and Audio]
==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...
Why Your Partner on the Autism Spectrum Drifts Away from the Relationship
The reason your partner on the autism spectrum has tended to drift away from the relationship is multifactorial, but the main reason is as follows:
Due to mind-blindness, alexithymia, anxiety, excessive need for routine and structure, rituals and obsessions - and a few other comorbid conditions associated with Asperger syndrome and high functioning autism - the person on the autism spectrum has difficulty connecting to his neurotypical (NT) spouse in a way that is satisfying to her. His attempts at meaningful connection are low in empathy, emotional reciprocity, and active listening, just to name a few.
Thus, the NT has registered numerous complaints over the years (with the best of intentions), and she has advised him numerous times what he could be doing to improve the relationship, but her attempts at repairing the relationship often fall short. Why?
Because the ASD partner tries to meet his wife's expectations, but his attempts to "do better" are still coming from the same place of mind-blindness, alexithymia, low emotional/social intelligence, an excessive logical way of thinking, etc. Trying harder with the same deficits in place doesn’t improve the situation - and in many cases, makes a bad problem worse, because he gets to a point of extreme frustration and gives up.
After repeated failures, the man with ASD begins to believe that meeting his wife’s needs, wants and expectations is simply impossible. He may even think, "It doesn’t matter what I say or do, it’s never good enough." Which unfortunately is true, because many things he’s trying to do or say to make things better are still coming from the same "deficits" that existed when the first sign of problems became manifest.
Thus, all the problem-solving strategies and effective communication techniques that are explored will usually be fairly useless until some of the comorbid conditions mentioned earlier are addressed first. The good news is that there are social skills that can be learned that will significantly help the ASD individual to work around some of these areas of deficits.
==> In the next coaching group for NT women (in a relationship with ASD men), we will look at strategies to deal with these comorbid conditions that will greatly increase the likelihood of effective communication and emotional reciprocity. Also, it would be important for your ASD husband to join the men’s group. See the link below the video for more information on both groups...
Message To Men On The Autism Spectrum Who Employ Half-Measures To "Fix" The Marriage
GUYS - You do not have to have a formal diagnosis to attend this group:
Why Your Neurotypical Partner Is Mad: Message to Men on the Spectrum
*** You do not have to have a formal diagnosis to attend. ***
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples [eBook and Audio]
Resources for NT Partners/Spouses Who Are Struggling in Their Relationships
Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you having a hard time dealing with the communication breakdown that often occurs in these marriages? If so, here are some resources to consider as you try to figure things out:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples [eBook and Audio]
==> More audio clips from workshops...
==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...
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