“Would there be a list of traits associated with autism spectrum disorder that I could share with my sister (engaged to a man w/ASD) to help her understand him more? He really is a good guy, but sometimes he’s ‘difficult’ to understand.”
Below are some of the most prevalent features of ASD observed in relationships and other social situations. These traits are just that – TRAITS. They are not “personality flaws” or behavior designed to be purposefully offensive.
The following are traits that can cause confusion for the NT partner. The individual with ASD:
- may have only one approach to a problem
- may have signs of Tourette syndrome (motor, vocal or behavioral)
- can be confused by the emotions of others and have difficulty expressing their own feelings
- can be very sensitive to particular sounds and forms of touch, yet lack sensitivity to low levels of pain
- may have difficulty conceptualizing and appreciating the thoughts and feelings of others
- may have difficulty establishing and coping with the changing patterns and expectations in daily life
- may not seem to be aware of the unwritten rules of social conduct, and will inadvertently say or do things that may offend or annoy other people
- may find that eye contact breaks their concentration
- often fails to comprehend that the eyes convey information on a person’s mental state or feelings
- may exhibit inappropriate laughter
- lacks ‘central drive for coherence’ (i.e., an inability to see the relevance of different types of knowledge to a particular problem)
- lacks subtlety in retaliating when threatened; may not have sufficient empathy and self-control to moderate the degree of expressed anger
- may be less able to learn from mistakes
- is less aware of the concept of personal space
- may be lost for words due to a high level of anxiety
- may become aware of their isolation and, in time, are genuinely motivated to socialize with others, but their social skills are immature and rigid - and others often reject them
- may talk to themselves or “vocalize their thoughts”
- may talk too much or too little, lack cohesion to the conversation, and have an idiosyncratic use of words and patterns of speech
- is often aware of the poor quality of their handwriting and may be reluctant to engage in activities that involve extensive writing
- often has the inability to ‘give messages with their eyes’
- is often very stoic, enduring pain with little evidence in their body language and speech that they may actually be experience agony
- once their mind is on a particular track, they appear unable to change (even if the track is clearly wrong or going nowhere)
- uses predominantly a visual style of thinking (and learning)
- prefers factual, nonfiction reading
- prefers to be left alone to continue their activity uninterrupted
- routine is imposed to make life predictable and to impose order, because novelty, chaos or uncertainty are intolerable
- may seem to evoke the maternal or predatory instinct in others
- social contact is tolerated as long as the other people talk about facts and figures – and not emotions
- has a strong desire not to appear ‘stupid’
- has a strong preference to interact with people who are far more interesting, knowledgeable, and more tolerant and accommodating of their lack of social awareness
- has a tendency to interrupt; has difficulty identifying the cues for when to start talking
- exhibits the tendency to make irrelevant comments
- may appear “lost in their own little world” – staring off into space
- may avoid “team playing” at work or in the marriage because they know they lack competence, or are deliberately excluded because they are a liability
- may be detached from - or having difficulty sensing - the feelings of others
ASD is primarily characterized by impaired social interaction and limited social-emotional reciprocity. This impairment may go well beyond poor social skills and being socially awkward, depending on the individual’s current anxiety-level. Partners of the autism spectrum tend to have a disconnection in their responses to others if a high-level of emotional intelligence is needed for the interactions. However, as stated previously, this tendency has no malicious intent.
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
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