Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
Blog for Individuals and Neurodiverse Couples Affected by ASD
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
More resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Got a question? Simply do the following:
Need help? Email me: mbhutten@gmail.com
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
“Mark: You say that anxiety is a prominent feature of ASD. What is the biological reason for this?”
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Biology is just one contributor. People with ASD are particularly vulnerable to anxiety due to a breakdown in circuitry related to extinguishing fear responses, specific neurotransmitter system defects, and the inability to make good social judgments throughout the lifespan.
People with certain personality traits are more likely to have anxiety – with or without ASD. For example, those who are perfectionists, easily frustrated, shy, lack self-esteem, or need to control everything often develop anxiety during childhood and adolescence, which progresses into adulthood.
Anxiety, in general, is more prominent today than a generation ago, for people on - and off - the autism spectrum. The newly recognized increase in anxiety disorders may be the result of poor diet (due to the abundance of fast food/junk food), social media, poor sleep habits, lowered stigma, and under-reporting in the past.
Also, there are a multitude of other sources that can be triggering one’s anxiety (e.g., traumatic past experience, medical conditions, job or personal relationship problems, genetics, environmental factors such as pollution, etc.).
Furthermore, some people worry more than others because they are more emotionally sensitive. Emotionally sensitive people tend to label a moderately bad situation as “devastating,” or may take neutral comments made by others as acute criticism.
Other reasons for anxiety in people with ASD include:
More resources for couples affected by ASD:
People with ASD are prone to anger, which can be made worse by difficulty in communicating feelings of anxiety. Anger is often a common reaction experienced when coming to terms with problems in relationships (i.e., things that occur that raise the ASD individual’s stress level).
There can be an ‘on-off’ quality to this anger where the individual is calm minutes later after an angry outburst (e.g., meltdown), while those around are stunned and may feel hurt or shocked for hours, if not days, afterward.
The NT partner often struggles to understand these angry outbursts, with resentment and bitterness building up over time. Once the NT understands that her ASD partner has trouble controlling his anger - or understanding its effects on others - she can learn ways to respond that will help to manage these outbursts (i.e., to keep them from escalating).
In some cases, the person on the spectrum may not acknowledge that he has trouble with his anger - and will blame his NT partner for provoking him. Again, this can create enormous conflict within the relationship. It will take carefully phrased feedback and plenty of time for the ASD partner to gradually realize he has a problem with how he expresses his anger and frustration.
A good place to start is identifying a pattern in how the outbursts are related to specific frustrations. Such triggers may originate from the environment, specific individuals, or internal thoughts. Common causes of anger in people with ASD include: other people’s behavior (e.g., critical comments); intolerance of imperfections in others; having routines and order disrupted; anxiety; being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation.
Identifying the cause of anger can be a challenge. It is important to consider all possible influences relating to one’s physical state (e.g., pain, tiredness), mental state (e.g., existing frustration, confusion), the environment (e.g., too much stimulation, lack of structure, change of routine), and how well the ASD individual can regulate difficult emotions. Life-coaching and Neurodiverse Couples Counseling can help in this area.
More resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> https://aspergers-anxiety.blogspot.com <==
More resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
“Could you please go into greater detail regarding Alexithymia? I’m diagnosed with ASD and believe that I also have this comorbid condition.”
Alexithymia creates interpersonal problems because the affected individual avoids emotionally close relationships, or if he does form relationships with others, he tends to position himself as either dependent, dominant, or “impersonal” (i.e., the relationship remains superficial).
Another issue related to Alexithymia involves the inability to identify and control strong emotions (e.g., sadness or anger), which leaves people with ASD prone to sudden emotional outbursts (e.g., rage, meltdowns). The inability to express emotions using a “feelings vocabulary” predisposes them to use physical acts to articulate the mood and release negative pent-up emotional energy.
Many people on the autism spectrum report a feeling of being unwillingly detached from the world around them. The affected individual may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to low emotional intelligence and weak social skills. The complexity and inconsistency of the social world poses an extreme challenge, but the good news is that emotional competencies can be increased - and social skills can be learned. Finding a therapist who specializes in ASD can be helpful.
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
16. Covers ears when certain sounds are made
17. Creates jokes that make no sense
18. Creates own words, using them with great pleasure in social situations
19. Difficulties with fine motor skills
20. Difficulties with gross motor skills
21. Difficulty accepting new clothing (including for change of seasons)
22. Difficulty applying sufficient pressure when writing, drawing
23. Difficulty coordinating different extremities, motor planning
24. Difficulty discriminating between fact and fantasy
25. Difficulty in auditory areas
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
40. Difficulty with direction following
41. Difficulty with handwriting
42. Difficulty with independently seeing sequential steps to complete finished product
43. Difficulty with motor imitation skills
44. Difficulty with organizational skills (e.g., What do I need to do, and how do I go about implementing it?)
45. Difficulty with Reciprocal Social Interactions
46. Difficulty with rhythm copying
47. Difficulty with sequencing (e.g., What is the order used to complete a particular task?)
48. Difficulty with task completion
49. Difficulty with task initiation
50. Difficulty with transitions
51. Displays a delay when answering questions
52. Displays a lack of desire to interact
53. Displays a lack of empathy for others and their emotions (e.g., takes another person’s belongings)
54. Displays a limited awareness of current fashion, slang, topics, activities, and accessories
55. Displays a limited awareness of the emotions of others and/or how to respond to them
56. Displays a strong need for perfection, wants to complete activities/assignments perfectly (e.g., his standards are very high and noncompliance may stem from avoidance of a task he feels he can't complete perfectly)
57. Displays a strong olfactory memory
58. Displays abnormal gestures/facial expressions/body posture when communicating
59. Displays an inability to focus when surrounded by multiple sounds (e.g., shopping mall, airport, party)
60. Displays anxiety when touched unexpectedly
61. Displays average or above average intellectual ability
62. Displays average or above average receptive and expressive language skills
63. Displays difficulty analyzing and synthesizing information presented
64. Displays difficulty as language moves from a literal to a more abstract level
65. Displays difficulty monitoring own behavior
66. Displays difficulty sustaining attention and is easily distracted
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
67. Displays difficulty understanding not only individual words, but conversations
68. Displays difficulty with inferential thinking and problem solving (e.g., completing a multi-step task that is novel)
69. Displays difficulty with problem solving
70. Displays difficulty with volume control (i.e., too loud or too soft)
71. Displays discomfort/anxiety when looking at certain pictures (e.g., the person feels as if the visual experience is closing in on him)
72. Displays extreme fear when unexpected noises occur
73. Displays high moral standard
74. Displays rigid behavior
75. Displays rigidity in thoughts and actions
76. Displays strong letter recognition skills
77. Displays strong number recognition skills
78. Displays strong oral reading skills, though expression and comprehension are limited
79. Displays strong spelling skills
80. Displays strong word recognition skills
81. Displays unusual chewing and swallowing behaviors
82. Distractable and has difficulty sustaining attention
83. Does not appear to comprehend the facial expressions of others
84. Does not appear to comprehend the gestures/body language of others
85. Does not ask for help with a problem
86. Does not ask for the meaning of an unknown word
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
87. Does not inquire about others when conversing
88. Does not make conversations reciprocal (i.e., has great difficulty with the back-and-forth aspect), attempts to control the language exchange, may leave a conversation before it is concluded
89. Does not observe personal space (is too close or too far)
90. Does not respond to temperature appropriately
91. Does not turn to face the person he is talking to
92. Does not use gestures/body language when communicating
93. Easily activated gag/vomit reflex
94. Emotional responses out of proportion to the situation, emotional responses that are more intense and tend to be negative (e.g., glass half-empty)
95. Engages in competing behaviors (e.g., vocalizations, noises, plays with an object, sits incorrectly, looks in wrong direction)
96. Engages in intense staring
97. Engages in obsessive questioning or talking in one area, lacks interest in the topics of others
98. Engages in repetitive/stereotypical behaviors
99. Engages in self-stimulatory behaviors (e.g., hand movements, facial grimaces)
100. Engages in self-stimulatory or odd behaviors (rocking, tics, finger posturing, eye blinking, noises — humming/clicking/talking to self)
101. Excellent rote memory
102. Fails to assist someone with an obvious need for help (not holding a door for someone carrying many items or assisting someone who falls or drops their belongings)
103. Fails to inquire regarding others
104. Failure to follow rules and routines results in behavioral difficulties
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
119. Has difficulty with feelings of empathy for others. Interactions with others remain on one level, with one message
120. Has rules for most activities, which must be followed (this can be extended to all involved)
121. Has specific strengths in cognitive areas
122. Has tics or facial grimaces
123. Has unusual fears
124. Ignores an individual’s appearance of sadness, anger, boredom, etc.
125. Impaired reading comprehension; word recognition is more advanced (e.g., difficulty understanding characters in stories, why they do or do not do something)
126. Impairment in prosody
127. Impairment in the pragmatic use of language
128. Impairment in the processing of language
129. Impairment in the semantic use of language
130. Inability to prevent or lessen extreme behavioral reactions, inability to use coping or calming techniques
131. Increase in perseverative/obsessive/rigid/ritualistic behaviors or preoccupation with area of special interest, engaging in nonsense talk
132. Inflexible thinking, not learning from past mistakes (note: this is why consequences often appear ineffective)
133. Insistence on Set Routines
134. Interprets known words on a literal level (i.e., concrete thinking)
135. Interrupts others
136. Is not aware of the consequences of his “hurtful” behavior
137. Is oversensitive to environmental stimulation (e.g., changes in light, sound, smell, location of objects)
138. Is unable to accept environmental changes (e.g., must always go to the same restaurant, same vacation spot)
139. Is unable to change the way he has been taught to complete a task
151. Lacks awareness if someone appears bored, upset, angry, scared, and so forth. Therefore, she does not comment in a socially appropriate manner or respond by modifying the interaction
152. Lacks awareness of the facial expressions and body language of others, so these conversational cues are missed. He is also unable to use gestures or facial expressions to convey meaning when conversing. You will see fleeting, averted, or a lack of eye contact. He will fail to gain another person's attention before conversing with her. He may stand too far away from or too close to the person he is conversing with. His body posture may appear unusual
153. Lacks conversational language for a social purpose, does not know what to say — this could be no conversation, monopolizing the conversation, lack of ability to initiate conversation, obsessive conversation in one area, conversation not on topic or conversation that is not of interest to others
154. Lacks facial expressions when communicating
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
167. Needs to smell foods before eating them
168. Needs to smell materials before using them
169. Needs to touch foods before eating them
170. Non-compliant behaviors
171. Observes or stays on the periphery of a group rather than joining in
172. Once a discussion begins, it is as if there is no “stop” button; must complete a predetermined dialogue
173. Only sits in one specific chair or one specific location
174. Overreacts to pain
175. Patterns, routines, and rituals are evident and interfere with daily functioning
176. Plays games or completes activities in a repetitive manner or makes own rules for them
177. Poor balance
178. Poor impulse control
179. Prefers factual reading materials rather than fiction
180. Prefers structured over non-structured activities
181. Purposely withdraws to avoid noises
201. Uses gestures/body language, but in an unusual manner
202. Uses language scripts or verbal rituals in conversation, often described as “nonsense talk” by others (scripts may be made up or taken from movies/books/TV)
203. Uses the voice of a movie or cartoon character conversationally and is unaware that this is inappropriate
204. Uses visual information as a “backup” (e.g., I have something to look at when I forget), especially when new information is presented
205. Uses visual information as a prompt
206. Uses visual information to help focus attention (e.g., I know what to look at)
207. Uses visual information to make concepts more concrete
208. Uses visual information to provide external organization and structure, replacing the person’s lack of internal structure (e.g., I know how it is done, I know the sequence)
209. Uses words in a peculiar manner
210. Views the world in black and white (e.g., admits to breaking a rule even when there is no chance of getting caught)
211. Visual learning strength
212. When processing language (which requires multiple channels working together), has difficulty regulating just one channel, difficulty discriminating between relevant and irrelevant information
213. When questioned regarding what could be learned from another person's facial expression, says, “Nothing.” Faces do not provide him with information. Unable to read these “messages,” he is unable to respond to them
214. Will only tolerate foods of a particular texture or color
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
“When I’m frustrated with my spouse [with ASD], I usually make a concerted effort to not show it. That is, I try to stay calm. But even when I make a neutral comment - something non-threatening - he still says I’m being critical… so that’s when he just leaves the room and does his version of a shutdown. What am I doing wrong here!? Again, I think I’m being (actually pretending) to be calm when I try to discuss our issues with him. We can’t discuss anything anymore!”
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
A key difference to remember is that tantrums usually have a purpose. The person who is "acting out" in the moment is looking for a certain reaction from you (e.g., to push YOUR anger button in order to piss you off). On the other hand, a meltdown is a reaction to something that short circuits the reasoning part of the brain (e.g., sensory overload, anxiety overload, unexpected and troubling change in the person's routine or structure, feeling overwhelmed by one's emotions, etc.), and has nothing to do with your response to it.
ASD is often referred to as the "invisible disorder" because of the internal struggles these individuals have without outwardly demonstrating any real noticeable symptoms (when they are calm anyway). People with this disorder struggle with a stressful problem, but “internalize” their feelings until their emotions boil over, leading to a complete meltdown. These outbursts are not a typical tantrum.
Some meltdowns are worse than others, but all leave both spouses exhausted. Unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over a day – or more. When it ends, both partners are emotionally drained. But, don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day, and sometimes into the next, the meltdown can return full force.
Meltdowns are overwhelming emotions and quite common in people on the spectrum. They can be caused by a very minor incident to something more traumatic. They last until the individual with ASD is either completely exhausted, or he gains control of his emotions (which is not easy for him to do). Most autistics have “emotional-regulation” difficulties!
Your spouse with ASD may experience both minor and major meltdowns over incidents that are part of daily life. He may have a major meltdown over something that you view as a very small incident, or he may have absolutely NO REACTION to something that you view as a very troubling incident.
When your husband is calm and relaxed, talk to him about his meltdowns. Then, tell him that sometimes he “reacts” to (i.e., is startled by) certain problems in a way that is disproportionate to the actual severity of the problem. Have him talk to you about a sign you can give him to let him know when he is starting to get revved-up. Overwhelming emotions are part of the traits associated with the disorder, but if you work with your spouse, he will eventually learn to control them somewhat (try to catch them in the “escalation phase” rather than after that bomb has already ignited).
People with ASD usually like to be left alone to cope with negative emotions. If your husband says something like, “I just want to be left alone,” respect his wishes for at least a while. You can always go back in 30 minutes and ask if you can help. Do not be hurt if he refuses.
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
"Does the autistic brain have problems processing sensory and emotional information? My husband [on the autism spectrum] rarely follows through with what he originally agrees to do [or later, states he did not understand what I said, or simply does not remember the conversation at all]."
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
“My partner [with ASD] will periodically ‘meltdown’. And I would like to know what to look for ahead of time to possibly prevent these from happening, because once he starts ‘losing it’, it’s hard to put that Genie back in the bottle.”
A true meltdown is an intense emotional and behavioral response to “over-stimulation” (a form of distress for the individual). Meltdowns are triggered by a fight-or-flight response, which releases adrenaline into the blood stream, creating heightened anxiety and causing the person with autism spectrum disorder to switch to an instinctual survival mode.
Common Features of Meltdowns—
Causes of Meltdown—
Warning Signs of Meltdowns—
It's important for NT partners to realize that the level of stress in the ASD individual is directly correlated with the amount of data that needs to be processed – and the amount of data that needs to be processed is directly correlated to how much sensory data is picked up and the complexity of the person's personal planning. A logical and consistent structure often helps these individuals.
Resources for couples affected by ASD: