Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
• Anonymous …Anyone have problems with their parents? My mother hates me and says I'm uncaring, unloving, and selfish and she doesn't want to see how I raise my children because they will be the same way. She also thinks I'm setting her up for failure when I ask her a question and then give her the correct scientific answer. When in my reality, all I'm doing is trying to update her info, so I think I'm helping her to gain better knowledge. The thing is, if I didn't say these things, we'd have nothing to talk about :/ It's sad really. I'm afraid our relationship is going to be over. She does not like the "real me." She prefers the quiet insecure teenager that I used to be years ago. According to her I've "gotten worse" but I'm really just discovering myself. Sorry for the rant, it's been an emotionally draining night and day. Has anyone experienced this?
• Anonymous …Sounds like the problem is with your mom ...I wouldn't view this as your issue. It's hers. Does she understand Aspergers (High-Functioning Autism) at all?!
• Anonymous …Only when it's convenient for her it seems. But she also thinks she may have passed it down to me. We will never know, she's not willing to get tested.
• Anonymous …Sounds a lot like my mother. I ended up "timing" my visits to 15 mins unless things were going exceptionally well. I had a "pre-planned excuse" to leave if I didn't like the way conversations were heading. And, that 15 mins was exhausting! My mom had her own "issues" and sounds like your mom does too. Don't let her "issues" upset YOUR life. I found the key to surviving the relationship with her was to set some very strong boundaries.
• Anonymous …I dont know if this will help... Im trying to suggest that you can remain hopeful about the future... I was estranged from my parents until a boyfriend both limited the length of each visit, but increased the number of visits. (like Lynn said). But really, It was strained until I had kids; bizarrely i then re-evaluated everything my parents had done/said, and through new understanding I forgave most of what had occurred. Parenthood is hard and many parents lack info and support to become better at parenting. Maybe it's also that you don't understand your mums fears and feelings (?) and that she's still trying to say how she feelsas a mum 'in general', rather than trying to be hurtful to you? Regardless- It sounds like you're in pain. Hang in there, and remember to treat yourself well."
• Anonymous …"OMG! Someone recorded one of my many conversations with my mother! LMAO!! This is priceless! I too spent many years as an independent contractor and got the "why don't you get a real job" speech. My mother quit visiting me and I only saw her on holidays at her house after she came to my house many years ago when I was out working and CLEANED it! I asked her to never do that again and so she never came over again - which was actually totally fine with me! LOL"
• Unknown…My son is going to be 21 years old and is going to be elaluated for Aspergers. He say it is too late for him at this age and his future is "F***ed". Any words of inspiration or later in life diagnosed people out there that have success stories? Thank you! Heartbroken.
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• Anonymous…This was very helpful. I'm really glad I found this page :-) Very nice. This "Chit Chat" issue is probably the main one that I struggle with. Other than that life is pretty great......but if I'm stuck in a social situation with a room full of people anticipating "chit chat"...well, I'd rather sit in a room all by myself curled up with a book than to while away time listening to someone's adventures in "shoe shopping". But I suppose I need to work on this. The article was quite good though....thanks :-)
• Anonymous… I just found the page & I cant tell u how good it feels to know why I am the way I am & being able to find tools to understand, deal, & adjust are priceless to me. I never understood why I saw chit chat as either pointless or nothing I'd actually want to do & SO very stressful @ the mere thought of having to "Make conversation" especially w strangers. Thanks for the page
• Anonymous …I honestly don't want nor do I feel the need to work on my problems with social chit chat. I like the way I am, I am an original...and those who love me and know of my mild autism know that that is how I am and find my quirks quite awesome. I like being a breath of fresh air in a world where people thrive on talking about meaningless things to strangers. I personally see nothing wrong with being aloof and keeping to myself.
• Tiredasf##k …As I type this my husband is not home tonight. I am absolutely sick to death of feeling like I don't matter. I work my ass off. I do everything for us. I get no appreciation no love no sex no anything. I'm so emotionally exhausted I've come down with pneumonia. I am so sick. I absolutely lost it today when he got a phone call from a buddy at 5am asking him for a ride to work. His friend starts at 6am he starts at 7am. He jumped up like a super hero and was ready to go in no time. I was awake and coughing violently the whole time... He never asked me if I was ok. He never asked me if I needed anything... But his buddy calls and he runs to the rescue. So at 6am while dizzy and coughing up a lung I'm letting the dogs out trying to make some tea and I got so dizzy I almost pass out. Maybe it's the medication or maybe I'm at a breaking point because I laid into him like I was at war. I went off. I mean what kind of person doesn't make sure their sick wife is OK before leaving over an hour early for work? Am I supposed to believe he is incapable when he runs to his friends aide? What about me? I find myself saying that ever so often!!! At the end of the day and one of the biggest fights ever (mostly because I lost it big time) he says he doesn't want to be with me and leaves lol. LOL!!!! He doesn't want to be with me. I'm the bad guy again!!! I've tried it all nothing works. No matter how much I love the man he will never make me feel good about being his wife. I'll always be his caretaker. How did this happen? It seems like over time he got worse. Like in the beginning it was not so bad but now he's in lala land 90% of the time. What man doesn't want sex!!!!! He's like a robot! I'm losing my mind and pretty sure he's looking into divorce. Part of me is glad. The other part... Wishes he could see this and understand that he could make little changes and give himself reminders so that he could be a good husband to me. Did I also mention he's on his 7th job this year? I've carried him every way a person can. Now I lay in bed, alone. Sick as hell!!!! And where is my support? Somewhere else thinking I'm an a hole. My husband told me when I met him I was like a bright light that shined into his darkness. Well, he room that light and left me in the dark. God hell me
• Unknown …I appreciate your attempt to help those of us with HFA and Asperger's but the sad truth is that it will most likely go underappreciated. I, for one, find chit chat to be meaningless. I can not hold a real conversation without an NT deciding my tone and context, so I don't see the point to put myself out there. I mean, it will just give them more opportunities to victimize themselves and make me into the bad guy...Sadly, to do any one of these things is putting in more effort than any NT would be willing to show. Why do Aspies have to be the accommodating ones? Why are *we* considered the different ones? Honestly, we are just more logical. We are more effortless. We are more conservative of the energy we have (choosing to expend our energy by furthering our knowledge). We are more knowledgeable about most things. So, again, WHY do we make adjustments for those who are unwilling to do the same? I've been posting stories and news articles on my Facebook page about how to communicate with someone with Aspergers and even the NT PARENTS of HFA & ASPIE people don't bother with it. Such a shame really... What we really need is an NT/Aspie dream team to come up with a blog about mutual effort for understanding eachother. Cuz honestly? Most NTs just aren't worth my time and energy. I have things to learn, theories to test and conclusions to draw using evidence. (Ooh. Yeah... the neurotypical judgement of others gets me going too.... I know I sound judgemental in this comment, but towards individuals I am not judgemental. Towards the majority of society: well, they think there is something "wrong" with me. I believe I am a pioneer for the people of tomorrow. Why else is ASD and HFA becoming a more prevalent diagnosis?)
• unknown …Aspies clearly spend to much time with their own thoughts they have a brain that does not switch off. My partner of six years will insist on me siting close to him but only wants me to speak to him when am spoken too. General chit chat may turn into a falling out causing him distraction of his thoughts. If I am not with him he becomes obsessed with every move interaction hassles me, in half an hour I get several calls text. Its easier to avoid seeing people. I have become as lonely as him. For a quite existence and to prevent escalation of any violent outbursts to himself,me my children, strangers the general public, property. My physical health suffers I constantly have chest pains stiff shoulder and neck pain.
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• Jumpygran …I recently said to my AS husband that I didn't like the trousers he was wearing, particularly as he was wearing a shirt which clashed with the colour. He bit my head off, saying "well you bought them". Yes I did buy them but I now dislike them! He always seems to respond to such comments with a "blame", rather than a simple "Oh, why is that?", or similar. He is unable to explain why he does this ie does he feel under attack. Any other NT had this?
• Unknown…Oh yes. It is the blaming. My aspiring always has to find someone or something to blame. My husband would see saying what he chose to wear unacceptable as an attack. He can not take criticism of any kind. He either gets mad and attacks back or feels so bad about his discision(i think) and leaves the area discouraged. Whatever happens it is a lose,lose situation. I guess we can only pick our battles wisely.
• Jack …Oh yes, you're never allowed to change your mind!
• Sushin …So true! You can't change your mind, they just don't understand if you do. You loved that dress when you bought it 3 years ago, didn't you? How come you don't love it anymore? It's still the same dress! Now that I found out about A/S I can understand that my husband and I are just wired differently. So, instead of yelling at him trying to explain that I just changed my mind about it, which he never understood anyway, I smile and say: you'll never understand women, sweetheart! That makes him laugh... although he'll never understand how it is possible for me to hate something that I once loved! Things have improved a lot since I know about his condition, but some days things are still really hard. He finds me fussy, which I am not, and hard to please, which I am not either. And I have to be extremely careful about what I tell him, and how I tell him, because he often feels under attack.
• Unknown …OMG - this totally makes sense. My 17 yo son with A/S blames people ALL the time, and is always tattling on people. Now I know why the symbol for ASD is a puzzle piece... trying to understand him is like trying to put together a puzzle. It's nice to have one more piece in place.
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