Support & Education for Adults on the Autism Spectrum: The NT’s Dilemma When She Finally Discovers Her Husband May Have Autism

Discovering a spouse’s “special needs” is often a puzzling and agonizing process for neurotypical (NT) wives. It’s no surprise that your husband [with suspected ASD] often mystifies you.

As with all people on the autism spectrum, your husband has many skills – and deficits. Also, you may have great difficulty understanding how much of his behavior is the nature of the disorder, versus how much is just plain old insensitivity or lack of trying.

Due to the fact that being married to a “special needs” spouse can be so confusing at times, it’s easy for NTs to fall into the trap of feeling inadequate and discouraged (e.g., “My husband has so many unresolved problems, therefore, I must be a bad wife”). Most spouses in “typical” marriages do not realize how difficult it is to be the spouse of a person on the spectrum… until they become one of those spouses.

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Since the symptoms of an autistic individual who is “high-functioning” can be so subtle, multiple, and difficult to pinpoint - it’s hard for an NT spouse to know whether things are normal or not. For example:

Are my expectations for my ASD spouse unreasonable?
What is the difference between a person who doesn’t understand emotions, and one who is narcissistic?
What are the indications of a person being off course in his ability to listen and follow directions?
What is the difference between a healthy, very active individual versus a hyperactive one with ASD?
What is the difference between the person who is a little clumsy and one who is having significant motor skills problems?

It will take some time for the NT to recognize and articulate concerns about such issues.

Even after a diagnosis, the NT spouse will face a multitude of feelings before she can grasp effectively with the glaring truth that her husband has a “developmental disorder.” The NT may even mourn over this new reality:

bargaining (e.g., thinking that seeing a typical marriage and family therapist will make the situation better)
blaming others for the difficult situation
dealing with the fear, anger and guilt of having a spouse who experiences many problems
denying there is a problem, as well as rationalizing why it’s not a problem
grieving for “what might have been”
perhaps eventually coming to acceptance regarding the spouse’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as trying to figure out an effective plan of action

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

One of the biggest challenges NT spouses may face is the big gap between what their ASD husband can do – and what he can’t do. Oftentimes, the ASD spouse is very smart, can reason well, knows a great deal about his favorite subject, yet can’t follow through with the NT’s simple requests.

You may be telling your autistic spouse to “try harder.” But in many cases, he is trying his heart out. These individuals often have to work 10 times harder than their typical peers, but are still labelled as uncaring, selfish, insensitive and narcissistic.

Another piece of the puzzle for the NT spouse lies in how difficult it can be to differentiate between a spouse who “can’t” do something versus one who “won’t” do something. For example:

•    “How far should I ‘push’ my husband?”
•    “How much should I reduce my expectations?”
•    “How much ‘spousal control’ should I exert?”

In this uncertainty, the NT may even ask herself “what is wrong with me?” – instead of asking “what trials and tribulations is my husband having to face?” Shifting this focus can be beneficial for both spouses.

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

The partner with autism spectrum disorder may seem to be having behavior problems when, in fact, he is simply struggling to accomplish a social task. He may experience a meltdown or a shutdown when the social task is too demanding. When the ASD spouse says he hates something, it’s very difficult for the NT to know if he is being rude and disrespectful – or simply finds the task to difficult or impossible to engage in.

While a formal diagnosis can help, the task of sorting-out these problems on a day-to-day basis is quite a challenge. On a planning level, uncertainty can occur because friends and other family members may disagree not only on the diagnosis – but on the optimal coping strategies that “should be used” by the NT spouse.

This can be aggravating and stress-provoking for the NT who has to pull all the information together and decide what to do – right or wrong. In addition, she has to anticipate problems and sense when her husband is frustrated, tired, or about to explode. The NT has to trust her gut as to how long her spouse can last at a family get-together, be pleasant with visitors, or sit in a busy/noisy restaurant.

Neurotypical partners are continually trying to figure out what’s working, what’s not working, what causes her ASD partner’s aggravation, and what calms him down. The NT must:

come up with plans for dealing with his meltdowns and shutdowns
problem-solve to recognize her ASD spouse’s strengths, interests, and areas of difficulty
reflect on activities of each day
think carefully
…and analyze everything!

All of this takes time and energy that is exhausting!