"Tone of Voice" Matters: Tips for Neurotypical Spouses

“When I’m frustrated with my spouse [with ASD], I usually make a concerted effort to not show it. That is, I try to stay calm. But even when I make a neutral comment - something non-threatening - he still says I’m being critical… so that’s when he just leaves the room and does his version of a shutdown. What am I doing wrong here!? Again, I think I’m being (actually pretending) to be calm when I try to discuss our issues with him. We can’t discuss anything anymore!”

What I find most often is that the NT’s tone of voice changes even though she is “trying” to remain calm when approaching her ASD spouse. But unless you are a VERY GOOD actor, your true attitude will “leak out” in your tone (i.e., inflection that seems a bit “off” to the listener).

A MAJOR source of sensory-overload for a person with ASD is voice – especially tone of voice! The individual often analyzes voice-tone first, and then decodes the words used by the speaker later. Any voice inflection by the speaker that remotely conveys a negative attitude (e.g., sarcasm, irritation, criticism, etc.) may be detected - and taken personally.

A negative tone can be offensive to an ASD spouse, particularly if he is not sure why the speaker is using a particular inflection (e.g., “Is she upset with me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Why does she sound mad?”). A loop effect can occur in his thinking process (i.e., mulls over the comment made by the speaker long after the conversation has ended). Anxiety and agitation can increase as he attempts to analyze the motives of the speaker.

What we’re really referring to here is your spouse’s obsessive way of thinking. One of the most troublesome traits of the disorder may be the tendency toward repetitive thoughts (i.e., ruminations).

While the ability toward extreme focus can be a strong point for a person on the autism spectrum, it’s a problem when he can’t shift away from thinking about things that are not of his choosing. Often, the individual gets caught up in worries, dwells on past slights from his NT spouse, ponders his own mistakes, and has problems letting go of past hurts.

 

Resources for couples affected by ASD: 

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

How to Tell the Difference Between a Meltdown and an Adult Tantrum: Tips for NT Spouses

“I know that people with autism spectrum disorder have their meltdowns, but I’m having a hard time distinguishing the difference between my ASD husband’s meltdowns versus the adult version of a tantrum. These two look the same to me, but I don’t want to confront him if he is legitimately having a ‘meltdown’ because I know that he’s not able to control some of that.”

A key difference to remember is that tantrums usually have a purpose. The person who is "acting out" in the moment is looking for a certain reaction from you (e.g., to push YOUR anger button in order to piss you off). On the other hand, a meltdown is a reaction to something that short circuits the reasoning part of the brain (e.g., sensory overload, anxiety overload, unexpected and troubling change in the person's routine or structure, feeling overwhelmed by one's emotions, etc.), and has nothing to do with your response to it.

ASD is often referred to as the "invisible disorder" because of the internal struggles these individuals have without outwardly demonstrating any real noticeable symptoms (when they are calm anyway). People with this disorder struggle with a stressful problem, but “internalize” their feelings until their emotions boil over, leading to a complete meltdown. These outbursts are not a typical tantrum.

Some meltdowns are worse than others, but all leave both spouses exhausted. Unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over a day – or more. When it ends, both partners are emotionally drained. But, don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day, and sometimes into the next, the meltdown can return full force.

Meltdowns are overwhelming emotions and quite common in people on the spectrum. They can be caused by a very minor incident to something more traumatic. They last until the individual with ASD is either completely exhausted, or he gains control of his emotions (which is not easy for him to do). Most autistics have “emotional-regulation” difficulties!

Your spouse with ASD may experience both minor and major meltdowns over incidents that are part of daily life. He may have a major meltdown over something that you view as a very small incident, or he may have absolutely NO REACTION to something that you view as a very troubling incident.

When your husband is calm and relaxed, talk to him about his meltdowns. Then, tell him that sometimes he “reacts” to (i.e., is startled by) certain problems in a way that is disproportionate to the actual severity of the problem. Have him talk to you about a sign you can give him to let him know when he is starting to get revved-up.  Overwhelming emotions are part of the traits associated with the disorder, but if you work with your spouse, he will eventually learn to control them somewhat (try to catch them in the “escalation phase” rather than after that bomb has already ignited).

People with ASD usually like to be left alone to cope with negative emotions. If your husband says something like, “I just want to be left alone,” respect his wishes for at least a while. You can always go back in 30 minutes and ask if you can help. Do not be hurt if he refuses.

Resources for couples affected by ASD: 

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 

 

Signs That Your ASD Partner is Approaching “Meltdown”

“My partner [with ASD] will periodically ‘meltdown’. And I would like to know what to look for ahead of time to possibly prevent these from happening, because once he starts ‘losing it’, it’s hard to put that Genie back in the bottle.”

 

A true meltdown is an intense emotional and behavioral response to “over-stimulation” (a form of distress for the individual). Meltdowns are triggered by a fight-or-flight response, which releases adrenaline into the blood stream, creating heightened anxiety and causing the person with autism spectrum disorder to switch to an instinctual survival mode.
 

Common Features of Meltdowns—

• transitions may trigger a meltdown
  
• novel situations or sudden change can elicit a meltdown
• meltdowns are time-limited
• meltdowns are due to overwhelming stimulation
• meltdowns are caused by sensory or mental overload, sometime in conjunction with each other
• meltdowns are a reaction to severe stress, although the stress may not be readily apparent to an observer
• cognitive dysfunction, perceptual distortion, and narrowing of sensory experience are associated with meltdowns
• people in the middle of a meltdown will likely become hypo-sensitive or hyper-sensitive to pain
• after the meltdown, there may be intense feelings of shame, remorse or humiliation, and a fear that relationships have been harmed beyond repair
  

Causes of Meltdown—

• the individual does not receive understandable answers to questions
• he or she is taken by surprise
• is given too many choices
• is given open-ended or vaguely defined tasks
• has a sensory overload
• does not understand the reason for sudden change
  

Warning Signs of Meltdowns—

• stuttering or showing pressured speech
• repeating words or phrases over and over
• perseverating on one topic
• pacing back in forth or in circles
• increasing self-stimulatory behaviors (e.g., wringing of hands)
• extreme resistance to disengaging from a ritual or routine
• experiencing difficulty answering questions (cognitive breakdown)
• becoming mute
• becoming very quiet and shutting down
  
• becoming defensive, argumentative, blaming, critical, etc.
  
• yelling, cussing
  

It's important for NT partners to realize that the level of stress in the ASD individual is directly correlated with the amount of data that needs to be processed – and the amount of data that needs to be processed is directly correlated to how much sensory data is picked up and the complexity of the person's personal planning. A logical and consistent structure often helps these individuals.

 

Resources for couples affected by ASD: 

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Traits of ASD that “Soon-to-be” Neurotypical Spouses Need to Be Aware Of

“Would there be a list of traits associated with autism spectrum disorder that I could share with my sister (engaged to a man w/ASD) to help her understand him more? He really is a good guy, but sometimes he’s ‘difficult’ to understand.”  

Below are some of the most prevalent features of ASD observed in relationships and other social situations. These traits are just that – TRAITS. They are not “personality flaws” or behavior designed to be purposefully offensive.

The following are traits that can cause confusion for the NT partner. The individual with ASD:

• may have only one approach to a problem
• may have signs of Tourette syndrome (motor, vocal or behavioral)
• can be confused by the emotions of others and have difficulty expressing their own feelings
• can be very sensitive to particular sounds and forms of touch, yet lack sensitivity to low levels of pain
• may have difficulty conceptualizing and appreciating the thoughts and feelings of others
• may have difficulty establishing and coping with the changing patterns and expectations in daily life
• may not seem to be aware of the unwritten rules of social conduct, and will inadvertently say or do things that may offend or annoy other people
• may find that eye contact breaks their concentration
• often fails to comprehend that the eyes convey information on a person’s mental state or feelings
• may exhibit inappropriate laughter 
• lacks ‘central drive for coherence’ (i.e., an inability to see the relevance of different types of knowledge to a particular problem)
• lacks subtlety in retaliating when threatened; may not have sufficient empathy and self-control to moderate the degree of expressed anger
• may be less able to learn from mistakes
• is less aware of the concept of personal space
• may be lost for words due to a high level of anxiety 
• may become aware of their isolation and, in time, are genuinely motivated to socialize with others, but their social skills are immature and rigid - and others often reject them
• may talk to themselves or “vocalize their thoughts” 
• may talk too much or too little, lack cohesion to the conversation, and have an idiosyncratic use of words and patterns of speech
• is often aware of the poor quality of their handwriting and may be reluctant to engage in activities that involve extensive writing
• often has the inability to ‘give messages with their eyes’
• is often very stoic, enduring pain with little evidence in their body language and speech that they may actually be experience agony
• once their mind is on a particular track, they appear unable to change (even if the track is clearly wrong or going nowhere)
• uses predominantly a visual style of thinking (and learning)
• prefers factual, nonfiction reading
• prefers to be left alone to continue their activity uninterrupted
• routine is imposed to make life predictable and to impose order, because novelty, chaos or uncertainty are intolerable 
• may seem to evoke the maternal or predatory instinct in others
• social contact is tolerated as long as the other people talk about facts and figures – and not emotions
• has a strong desire not to appear ‘stupid’
• has a strong preference to interact with people who are far more interesting, knowledgeable, and more tolerant and accommodating of their lack of social awareness
• has a tendency to interrupt; has difficulty identifying the cues for when to start talking
• exhibits the tendency to make irrelevant comments
• may appear “lost in their own little world” – staring off into space
• may avoid “team playing” at work or in the marriage because they know they lack competence, or are deliberately excluded because they are a liability 
• may be detached from - or having difficulty sensing - the feelings of others
  

ASD is primarily characterized by impaired social interaction and limited social-emotional reciprocity. This impairment may go well beyond poor social skills and being socially awkward, depending on the individual’s current anxiety-level. Partners of the autism spectrum tend to have a disconnection in their responses to others if a high-level of emotional intelligence is needed for the interactions. However, as stated previously, this tendency has no malicious intent.

Resources for couples affected by ASD: 

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...  

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

How to Avoid Meltdowns and Shutdowns in Conversations with Your NT Spouse

Your NT spouse has always wanted “intimacy,” and she got it from you in the early part of the relationship. What you needed more than anything was to be “appreciated” in the early going of the relationship. She appreciated you - and she showed it.

Neither one of you had the thought of this intimacy and appreciation business, but that's what was going on. She got her intimacy in the early days when you first got together. You got your appreciation.

What happens most often in the early going of the relationship: The NT spouse IS his special interest, but after the newness of the relationship wears off, he often reverts back to his original special interest. And she notices that he is slowly detaching [but this occurs at an unconscious level for both parties, initially].

He's not purposely trying to do this, but he's disengaging from the intimacy that was established in the beginning; he separates somewhat, and she notices that - and she starts becoming the “pursuer.” But, the more she pursues, the more he distances himself, because her effort to get him to reconnect [even though her intentions are pure] downloads in his mind as criticism [e.g., I’m not good enough. I’m not measuring up. I’m not meeting her expectations.].

 ==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

The more that she pushes to get him back into the relationship, the more that causes anxiety for him, and he continues to distance and distance - and she continues to pursue and pursue. Finally, she gets tired of pursuing - and may become resentful for “wasting” so many years.

So, she's no longer getting her intimacy needs met, and you certainly are not getting your appreciation needs met. But the marriage difficulties affect her more profoundly, because one of her main passions is social and emotional things. So, when you disconnected, she lost one of her main interests. You didn't lose much though! You still have your main interest, whether that's a hobby, your work, or whatever.

When this disengagement occurred, she lost more than you did, and so that's why she is the one that's more distraught - and therefore the one that's more resentful …the one that's angrier and more verbal about the “disconnect” than you. You were more connected with her back in the day, but that has disappeared.

She might say something like, “When we first started dating, things were pretty good. He was sweet and nice and affectionate, but he changed. He changed, and it's not like it used to be anymore.”  In a nutshell, she needs you to give her more of a sense that she's getting some of her intimacy needs met - and in return, you will get more of your appreciation needs met. There are many ways to get intimacy needs met, and one of the main ways is through effective communication.

When she has broached some difficult topics, what typically happens? Your anxiety comes up, of course, because now she's talking about a heavy topic, and you may tend to either meltdown or shutdown, or just stand there and act as if you’re listening and agree with her [e.g., “Yeah, sure, okay, I’ll do it. Whatever you say.”] – just to hurry up and get the conversation over with.

The ASD man’s typical reaction [when his NT wife is trying to talk about some heavy topics about relationship problems] is to either do some version of a shutdown or some version of a meltdown. This is what we want to get rid of guys! We want to stop the propensity to react with meltdowns and shutdowns [i.e., a response that has been either aggressive or passive]. We want to avoid those two ends of the extreme, and what would be in the middle is “assertiveness.”

Passivity could be: “I’m afraid that I’m going to say or do something wrong. So, I try to say and do as little as possible - anything to keep the peace” [an example of when he just avoids the conversations entirely]. Aggressiveness could be: “She has made me very anxious when she talks about these relationship problems, and my anxiety sometimes expresses itself as anger and rage.” So, we're trying to avoid those two extremes and come into the middle, which is assertiveness. 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

She wants you to be more empathic, but empathy is going to be incompatible with passivity or aggressiveness. You can't be empathic and passive. At the same time, you can't be empathic and aggressive. So, we must learn assertiveness before we can practice empathy, and what we're ultimately trying to achieve here is the business of getting some of her intimacies needs met.

One version of assertiveness would be to face the music when she wants to talk about heavy topics - and to sit there and practice dealing with uncomfortable emotions in the moment. For example: As she is talking, I'm going to look in her direction. I’m going to nod while she's talking. I’m not defending myself, and I’m not leaving. I’m staying right there and facing the issue in question.

Her message may not necessarily be the way that I see things, but I’m not here to defend my perspective or to offer my opinion. I’m here to listen to her opinion. So, the goal here guys is listen to understand rather than listen to “mount a defense” - and that sounds like a tall order, and some of you guys will be thinking, “I don't know how the hell I’m going to tolerate that.”

I know it's going to feel very uncomfortable at first, and your anxiety is going to come up, especially if she's complaining - yet again - about what you're doing wrong …or what you're not doing right …or things that you're saying that are upsetting …or things that you're not saying that you're supposed to be saying, etc.

I’m sure you've been in the “dog house” so much that you've taken up residence in there, because it's safer to be in in the doghouse than to face the music and have her talking to you about difficult problems. So, let me remind us of what we're doing here. My goal is to help you reduce your relationship stress, and one of the ways that I can approach that goal is to help you guys avoid taking either the passive reaction or the aggressive reaction to her difficult conversations.

How do we do that? We get to assertiveness rather than being passive or aggressive. What does that look like? We stay right there when she's talking, rather than talking over her or getting angry with her - or leaving. You say, “I’m here to understand your point of view, rather than listen to defend myself.”

So in this scenario, there's no defense …you're not going to feed your pride or ego. If you make the mistake of trying to squeeze-in your defense or try to prove her wrong – you've just SCREWED yourself out of a golden opportunity to give her some display of empathy.

In this instance, it's active listening, which will directly give her the impression that she's finally getting some understanding from you. That’s the whole goal here. When she's wanting to talk to me, I’m not going to leave …I’m not going to get mad. Instead, I’m going to listen, and I’m going to paraphrase what I heard, and I’m going to validate that she just spoke “her truth” to me. That is a form of assertiveness!

More resources:

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum... 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Renee's Story

 

I would like to talk about the most important aspect in the process towards recovery from depression due to having a partner with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). This depression is called Cassandra syndrome.

When a partner has ASD, the other partner often becomes depressed due to the inability to form an emotional bond. Since I learned about my husband's ASD, I have read a lot of books to improve our relationship. Every book I read had similar content in the end - and I was desperately trying to follow the same advice exactly, but it did not work.

I thought I was not putting in enough effort, so I tried even harder, but it was impossible. The problem was that I was looking at the wrong person. I had to first look inside me rather than him. I thought that every issue we were having was because of his ASD symptoms. I also had a strong “victim complex,” so I thought that if he did not change, our relationship would not improve.

Neurotypical (NT) partners tend to become caregivers of their ASD partners. Over time, these NTs can get tired. Often, they feel like the partner with ASD doesn't really comprehend the amount of work they are putting in to helping them with their anxiety, depression, or managing other comorbid conditions.

The partner with ASD can feel wronged when the NT stops giving the support that she once did. The situation, over time, can become very drastic with the NT feeling more exhausted and like she is unable to continue in the care-taking role.

If the NT doesn't keep it up, then when “NT therapists” come into the equation, they often recommend that the NT starts taking better care of the spouse with autism. Again, this doesn't always work because, by the time the couple gets to the mental health professionals, the NT is too tired to keep going. Oftentimes, she has done more than her fair share for many years.

Now, with the new awareness of neuro-diverse marriages, she comes to an awareness that she has been in a relationship that requires mixed neurological communication.

During the online counseling sessions I was having at the time, Mark Hutten often asked about my self-talk. That is when I started to think deeply about myself. Why do I want to change him? Why can't I feel happy with him, and why did I become interested and marry him in the first place?

Of course, I knew he had his own weaknesses. He had to improve for our marriage to work. However, I also realized that I had to address personal weaknesses that I had in my heart before I met him. Then, little by little - and over a long period of time - I unwound the threads that were entwined in my heart.

The most important aspect of recovering from Cassandra syndrome is to know yourself. If you try to understand someone else without first knowing yourself, you will want to change the other person - and it will not work.

I am the only person who can improve myself by being aware of my motivations inside that also apply to the other person. I do not have to carry my husband’s burden, and there is no need for him to carry mine.

~ Renee S.

More resources:

==> Recovery from Emotional Deprivation for Neurotypical Partners in Neurodiverse Relationships

 

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum... 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

 

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…Alexithymia is difficulty in recognizing and labeling emotional states in yourself, but I tend to use it to stretch it to physical states in yourself also, because I feel like a something that often happens. Will you know you'll make a weird face for a long time and not know you're, making a weird face, and that's you know a lack of self-awareness.
•    Anonymous said…An autistic person, a forest is a collection of trees and either it won't occur to them that there is such a thing as a forest or, if you're explaining it to them, it still is just a collection of trees. This is one reason why autistic people are famously bad at summarizing things or being concise, because autistic people process and explain in units of detail instead of in a big-picture way. This is a good thing when it comes to learning complex information, or you know, dealing with a kid who's asking why, over and over again I'll always have an answer ready, because I can break things down small forever. It'S a bad thing. If you know you're telling a joke from memory or you're trying to give directions to somebody, but I like that something Temple Grandin sometimes says, is that she believes this is why autistic people have such a natural capacity for expertise that she says.
•    Anonymous said…I've encountered a lot of autistic people who describe themselves as emotional sponges, and this is you know, I think the reason why so many autistic people respond to emotionally charged situations by shutting down. You know if you're yelling at your spouse and they're shutting down it's not because they don't care it's because you know they're an emotional sponge.
•    Anonymous said…I feel that a lot of the disabling aspects of autism, especially in situations where you have someone you know, can pass for normal, but still struggles, our environment expectations. Things like this that can be connected to these traits things that aren't as much of a problem when it's two autistic people talking but can become a huge blow up when someone involved isn't autistic.
•    Anonymous said…I feel that all too often, the burden of relationships in our diverse couples is placed on the autistic person to understand the world to adapt and communicate better, whereas really like Kristen David Finch, we're talking about it's about coming together and understanding each other. non-autistic people have just as much trouble empathizing with autistic people as autistic people do empathizing with non-autistic people.
•    Anonymous said…I personally worked really hard since my diagnosis to compensate for these types of empathy deficits, I've learned to continually check in with myself and overcome my self-awareness problems with emotion, and I try to analyze and check in on The people around me and watch if there's something I should be picking up on and I have gotten a lot more empathetic. At least you know using that rote memory conscious manual transmission, brain to empathize with people, but I still have a really hard time correctly.
•    Anonymous said…Sensory issues can cause a lot of tension in relationships because they're so hard to understand from the outside that you know they're not constant for one and they can cause a sense of flux in you know your sensitivity to something in your functionality, so something that's not Necessarily, a problem might be an overwhelming problem, the next day or whenever. So this is something that can be hard for ASD people to empathize with, say you know in relationships with neurotypicals I've had this would be very confusing for them that I'm a very talkative person and if I'm really tired and overwhelmed, I won't be able to talk As effectively or I won't be able to talk at all so like once.
•    Anonymous said…So, as a child, I assumed that relationships were something that just happened: pop culture cartoons and such taught me that you know you have two main characters: they'll eventually end up together. Somehow that romance to me was a product of proximity. I believed that you know you encounter your complementary character, foil and exists near them until they fall in love with you, and then you live happily ever after with no effort forever.
•    Anonymous said…The burden to communicate correctly is often placed only on autistic people, and I feel this isn't accurate or helpful, and really I feel that neurologically mixed relationships, romantic or otherwise - can be compared to two conflicting cultures trying to interact. So you know, while this stuff is hard in relationships between two autistic people, it can sometimes be even harder when only one is autistic because of this culture clash aspect, it's important for non-autistic people in the autism community to understand that we live in a neurotypical culture. Our dominant society is neurotypical as the normal, and so you know that's where you know we teach autistic people to adapt to our neurotypical culture.
•    Anonymous said…To autistic people won't often notice that they have social problems or sensory problems because of this lack of self-awareness, alexithymia, I didn't know. I had sensory problems that were different from normal until I started researching autism like I always knew that I was really sensitive to lights and you know my friends turn up the radio to loud. I would like jump and be in pain, but I didn't know that that was abnormal.
•    Anonymous said…We all know inherently that autism effects relationships. Autistic people often have to work harder than non-autistic people to navigate social situations, social relationships and romantic relationships. I'Ve found, though, that autistic people can learn to do things that come naturally to not autistic people through rote memory and effort, though it takes self-awareness and that level of work, though, I also want to say that autistics aren't the only ones with problems in relationships, and It takes to to communicate and to to have a communication problem.

*    Anonymous said... I'm totally convinced that I'm suffering from Casandra's Syndrome. I'm really devastated, and I have started therapy in order to cope with my feelings. I feel isolation evwn when I'm with my partner. No one knows he's Asperger, just me. I've been dating him from 6 years and we have also moved together. I love him very much, but I just can't avoid feeling lonely and detached from my family and other people, since it is uncomfortable to me to meet and socialize with others when I'm with my partner. He's so "shy" and I'm always aware of him, is he ok? Is he having a good time? The worst of all is that find it extremely difficult to tell the way I feel to others because I have to explain a lot of things and it's tiring....I don't know what to do.. I don't want to hurt him by making him feel that I'm not truly happy by his side, just because I can't find the way to really bond with him.

How Mind-Blindness in ASD Affects Communication

“How does this so-called ‘Mindblindness’ affect how my spouse [with ASD] communicates with me [or does not communicate, as the case may be]?”

Due to mind-blindness, the person on the autism spectrum often has an obsessive-compulsive approach to life that results in a narrow range of interests - and insistence on set routines. This usually starts as a cognitive (i.e., thinking) issue before it becomes a behavioral one.

To understand communication breakdown, we must first look at cognition. Cognitive issues, such as the inability to take someone else's perspective (which is mind-blindness) and the lack of cognitive flexibility (which is black-and-white thinking), cause many of the unwanted reactions and behaviors you see in your ASD spouse.

You will know when there is a cognitive element by looking at your spouse’s behaviors, because there will always be some anxiety or obsession manifested in every inappropriate response to your “message” (e.g., trying to talk to him/her about a relationship problem that you would like to address).

Your ASD spouse’s cognitive difficulties lead to inaccurate interpretations and understanding of the social world. How someone interprets a situation determines how he or she will respond to it.

Many times, the interpretation of an event is either not an accurate one, or not one that leads to positive or prosocial actions. If the event can be “re-interpreted” FOR him or her, it might lead to a more productive outcome. But in doing this, you must first try to understand how your ASD spouse interprets a situation. All of his/her behaviors are filtered through his/her perception of the way the social world works.

Remember, details are extremely important in trying to understand what is happening - and what to do about it. Don’t try to intervene until you understand (at least to a small degree) what is happening with your ASD spouse. Changing thinking becomes a paramount issue, but one that is often neglected. However, successful changes in thinking will dramatically increase the success rate of any communication strategy you use.

To help you determine the reasons why your ASD spouse thinks and acts the way he or she does, you should ask yourself the following questions:

• Are they stuck on an idea and can't let it go? (They do not know how to let go and move on when there is a problem.)
• Are they misunderstanding what is happening, and assuming something that isn't true? (Misinterpretation.)
• Are they expecting perfection in themselves? (Black-and-white thinking.)
• Are they exaggerating the importance of an event? There are no small events – everything that goes wrong is a catastrophe. (Black-and-white thinking.)
• Are they blaming you for something that is beyond your control? (They feel that you must solve the problem for them, even when it involves issues you have no control over.)
• Have they made a rule that can't be followed? (They see only one way to solve a problem. They can’t see alternatives.)
• Do they see only two choices to a situation rather than many options? (Black-and-white thinking.)
• Do they need to be taught a better way to deal with the problem in question? (They don’t understand the way the social world really works.)
• Because a situation was one way the first time, do they feel it has to be that way always? (Being rule-bound.)
  

 
By getting answers to some of these questions, the NT spouse will be in a much better position to effectively register her or his concerns about existing relationship difficulties.

 

==> To learn some very specific and concrete communication strategies for dealing with spouses on the autism spectrum,  register for one of my online workshops. Dates and times are located here...

Anxiety and Associated Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors in People on the Autism Spectrum

 

“Can anxiety and/or OCD be the cause for my (ASD) husband's shutdowns?" 

 

Obsessive-compulsive issues (e.g., rituals, rigidity, perseverations, creating rules, black-and-white thinking, etc.) originate in the ASD person’s difficulty understanding the social world. This creates anxiety, which is the underlying cause for obsessive-compulsive behaviors. You, the NT wife, will see anxiety in many different ways depending on how your husband manifests it. 

 

Some people on the autism spectrum will show anxiety in obvious ways (e.g., frustration, anger, isolation). Others show it by trying to control the situation and bossing people around. Some may throw an adult temper tantrum. No matter how your husband displays his anxiety, you need to recognize that it’s there and not assume it’s due to some other cause (e.g., insensitivity, narcissism, not caring about the relationship, etc.).

 

Anxiety can occur for the smallest reason. Don't judge anxiety-producing situations by your own reaction to an event. Your husband may be much more sensitive to situations than you will be, and you may often have the thought that “there is no logical reason for his anxiety.” On the other hand, something that you would be highly anxious about may cause no anxiety in your husband. 

 

Your husband's first reaction to marital conflict is to try to reduce - or eliminate - his anxiety. He MUST do something, and one of the most effective means is to take all changes, uncertainty, and variability out of the equation. This can be accomplished by obsessions. 

 

If everything is done a certain way, if there is a definite and unbreakable rule for every event, and if everyone does as he wishes – everything will be fine. Anxiety is then diminished or reduced, and no meltdowns or shutdowns occur. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to do this in the real world.  

 

Behavioral manifestations of anxiety in your spouse may include the following:

 

• Wanting things to go his way, when he wants them to - no matter what anyone else may want.
• Tending to conserve energy and put forth the least effort he can (except with highly-preferred activities).
• Remaining in his “fantasy world” a good deal of the time - and appearing unaware of events around him.
• Reacting poorly to new events, transitions, or changes.
• Preferring to do the same things over and over.
• Lecturing others or engaging in a monologue rather than having a reciprocal conversation.
• Intensely disliking loud noises and crowds.
• Insisting on having things and events occur in a certain way.
• Having trouble socializing - or avoiding socializing altogether. 
• Having a narrow range of interests, and becoming fixated on certain topics or routines.
• Eating a narrow range of foods.
• Displaying some odd behaviors because he is anxious or does not know what to do in a particular situation.
• Demonstrating unusual fears, and showing resistance to directions from others.
• Demanding unrealistic perfection in himself – and others.
• Creating his own set of rules for doing something.
• Becoming easily overwhelmed and having difficulty calming down.
  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

  

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...  

 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's 

 
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples [eBook and Audio]

People with ASD and the Misunderstanding of How the Social-World Works

"Why is it that my husband [with ASD] never considers my point of view? He's always right - and I'm always irrational and overly-emotional [according to him]."

The individual with ASD has a neuro-cognitive disorder that affects many areas of functioning. This includes difficulty with the basic understanding of rules of society, especially if they are not obvious. Life has many of these “hidden” rules. Some are written, some are spoken, and some are learned through observation and intuition.

A person on the autism spectrum has difficulty understanding social cues, implied directions, and how to "read between the lines.” Instead, he learns facts. He does not "take in" all of what is happening around him that involves the rest of the world, only what directly impacts him.

Your ASD husband has probably had many conversations that have generally been about knowledge and facts, BUT NOT about feelings and interactions. As a result, he does not really know how the social-world works and what one is supposed to do in various “socially tricky” situations.

This can apply to even the smallest situations that you, his NT wife, may take for granted. Not knowing the unspoken rules of situations causes anxiety, which leads to many of the behavioral problems you witness as your husband tries to impose his own sense of order on a world he doesn't fully understand.

The ASD individual creates his own set of rules for everyday functioning to keep things from changing - and thereby minimize his anxiety. Sometimes, he just makes up the rules when it is convenient. Other times, he attempts to make them up by looking for patterns, rules, or the logic of a situation to make it less chaotic for him and more predictable and understandable.

If there are no rules for an event or situation, the ASD individual will create them from his own experiences based on what he has read, seen, or heard. He will often have a great deal of information to use in reaching his conclusions and forming his opinions. As a result, some of his conclusions are correct - and some are wrong.

Your husband will rarely consider your point of view if he does not consider you to be knowledgeable of the topic in question. If you can’t [or don’t] provide “facts” and evidence that back-up your opinion, your opinion will mean nothing to him. Therefore, he will argue with you about your opinions if different from his own. He thinks that his opinion is more logical, so he chooses his (this represents rigid thinking).

The person on the spectrum finds it difficult to be flexible and consider alternate views, especially if he has already reached a conclusion. New ideas can be difficult to accept ("I'd rather do it the way I've always done it"). Being forced to think differently can cause a lot of anxiety.

So, you must never over-estimate your husband’s understanding of a situation because of his high intellectual ability or his other strengths. He’s someone who has not fully figured out how the social-world works – and he could use a road map and the set of instructions (one example at a time) from YOU, his compassionate coach and wife.

More resources:

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum... 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Why People with ASD Can Be Very STUBBORN!

“Why is my boyfriend [with ASD] so stubborn and closed-minded?”

Realizing that your boyfriend on the autism spectrum will not be a good observer of his own behavior is your first step in understanding him. ASD-like behavior is often a result of anxiety that accompanies mind-blindness.

On way for the person on the spectrum to reduce anxiety is to have rules, strict routines, and lots of structure in his life. This often appears to others as very rigid behavior. This rigidity is the most common reason for relationships problems.

Reasons for rigidity include the following:

• anxiety about a current or upcoming event, no matter how trivial it might appear to you 
• any violation of a rule or ritual (changing something from the way it is “supposed” to be)
• immediate gratification of a need
• misunderstanding or misinterpretation of other's actions
• 
  OCD
• perfectionism 
• sensory sensitivities
• the need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity (e.g., chit chat)
• need to control a situation
• need to engage in or continue a preferred activity, usually an obsessive action or fantasy
• transitioning from one activity to another (this is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before he is finished with it)
  

Understanding your boyfriend involves knowing the traits of the disorder - and how they manifest themselves in everyday behaviors. How does he view the world, think about things, and react to what is going on in his environment? 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> Online Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's

ASD [Level 1] and Associated (Comorbid) Conditions in Adults

“We’re in the process of having my husband assessed for ASD. We’ve had numerous problems in the past that have brought us to this point. The doctor said he believes my husband may have a few ‘comorbid’ conditions as well. What other conditions might there be?”

When someone has one or more conditions along with the main disorder, it is defined as comorbidity. High-Functioning Autism (previously called Asperger’s) is listed as an Autism Spectrum Disorder - and never travels alone! Nearly 100% of the time, the individual will have other issues that will need to be addressed.

Here are some of the common comorbid conditions associated with ASD [level 1]:

1.    Tourette’s syndrome is when an individual exhibits repetitive vocal or motor tics. Most people diagnosed with Tourette’s also have ASD.

2.    Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) is common among those on the autism spectrum. In this case, the individual becomes overly-sensitive to various sensory stimulations (e.g., dislike of loud noises, easily irritated when dealing with unusual textures, avoids certain foods, etc.).

3.    Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a condition in which an individual displays an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, and even hostile behavior toward others. The individual’s behavior can disrupt his normal daily activities within the family and at work.

4.    Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is something that is found in most people on the autism spectrum. The person adheres to strict routines, and he likes to keep every particular object in one particular way - and when changed, he may get very distressed.

5.    Meltdowns are “tantrum-like” behaviors in many adults on the spectrum. Yelling, throwing things, or a complete shutdown (e.g., covering the face and becoming withdrawn) are common during a meltdown.

6.    Dyspraxia is when an individual is not able to coordinate or perform certain acts in spite of having the prior plan for it. This disorder is one reason why people with ASD have often been described as clumsy.

7.    Depression and anxiety are the two most common disorders found in an individual with ASD. Some have been known to turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to deal with their negative emotions.

8.    ADHD and ADD are very common comorbid conditions. Here the individual is unable to concentrate - or can be hyper-focused for lengthy periods of time on his "special interest" - and becomes impulsive to a great degree!

 

More resources:

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum... 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Avoidant Personality: Why Your Spouse with ASD Can’t Handle Constructive Criticism

If your partner on the autism spectrum is offended whenever you wage a complaint or offer some advice, then he or she may have avoidant personality traits. Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. 

 

The individual is fearful of disapproval and social rejection. In many cases, this is the result of peer-rejection that occurred during childhood. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of this person’s overall character - and a central theme in how he or she relates to others.

ASD individuals with avoidant personality tend exhibit the following traits:

• Avoids social situation and activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Has very low self-esteem due to a long history of making “social mistakes” (usually unintentionally)
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
• Tends to be easily offended by even "neutral" comments from others (especially his/her spouse)
  
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice and avoid chit chat
• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Has intense worry before an upcoming social event (e.g., a large family gathering)
  

For people on the autism spectrum with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders (e.g., depression, drug/alcohol abuse, anxiety disorders) is extremely important. Also, because “anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial. 

 

A cycle for the individual with avoidant tendencies looks like this:

==> low social/emotional intelligence due to ASD ==> results in poor social skills ==> results in social mistakes/failures ==> results in teasing, rejection, ridicule by others ==> results in avoiding social situations as much as possible

 

Quick tips for people with ASD & Avoidant Personality—

•    Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional competency can help.
 

•    Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes may be offered at your nearest community college.
 

•    Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.
 

•    Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.
 

•    Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.
 

•    Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

 

More resources:

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum... 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Online Group Therapy for Couples & Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Mark Hutten, M.A. - Counseling Psychologist

Are you experiencing relationship difficulties with your partner or spouse who is on the autism spectrum (ASD)? Are you on the autism spectrum and struggle to meet your neurotypical (NT) partner's needs and expectations? Has separation or divorce crossed your mind? Are the two of you already in the process of breaking up? If so, then this is your opportunity to receive group therapy via Skype with me, Mark Hutten, M.A.


A MESSAGE FOR Neurotypical + ASD Couples:



A MESSAGE FOR THE ASD MEN (diagnosed or otherwise):



A MESSAGE FOR THE NEUROTYPICAL (NT) WOMEN:



If you're interested, please read the following:

1. Create a Skype account, if you haven't done so already - it's free!
2. Cost: $99.00 for the 4-week class (1 hour per week). Click on the "register now" link below to receive your group access link, or simply send $99. using PayPal to mbhutten@yahoo.com   (How to Send Money with Your PayPal Account)
   
3. Email me (mbhutten@yahoo.com) after purchase and tell me which group you're registering for so I can send you the access link to that group. (Note: Please give me up to 24 hrs. to send you the link).
4. Bonus: Get my $19.00 eBook (see below) for FREE! When you register for the class, I'll email you the link to the eBook along with your access link.

OUR NEXT SCHEDULED GROUPS:

*** ASD/NT Couples only ***   

 

==> REGISTER NOW <==

 

Date: Meets on Tuesdays and runs from 10/10/23 to 10/31/23 - OPEN  

Time: 3 PM (Eastern Standard Time)  

Members: Attend with or without your ASD partner

 

NOTE: If this date/time doesn't work for you, no worries. I record these sessions and will send you the link to each one within 24 hours [includes all 4 sessions]. You can view the sessions at your convenience, and can view them multiple times! 

 

Simply register via the PayPal button above, then email me [mbhutten@yahoo.com] to let me know that you will NOT be attending the sessions live, and will need the videos-link sent to you via email.

 
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*** NT Women only *** 

 

==> REGISTER NOW <==

  

Date: Meets on Mondays and runs from 1/8/24 to 1/29/24 - OPEN  

Time: 3 PM (Eastern Standard Time)  

Members: No ASD participants

 

NOTE: If this date/time doesn't work for you, no worries. I record these sessions and will send you the link to each one within 24 hours [includes all 4 sessions]. You can view the sessions at your convenience, and can view them multiple times! 

 

Simply register via the PayPal button above, then email me [mbhutten@yahoo.com] to let me know that you will NOT be attending the sessions live, and will need the videos-link sent to you via email.

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*** ASD Men only *** 

 

==> REGISTER NOW <==

     

Date: Meets on Wednesdays and runs from 1/3/24 to 1/24/24 - OPEN  

Time: 3 PM (Eastern Standard Time) 

Members: No NT participants  

 *** You do not have to have a formal diagnosis to attend. ***

 

NOTE: If this date/time doesn't work for you, no worries. I record these sessions and will send you the link to each one within 24 hours [includes all 4 sessions]. You can view the sessions at your convenience, and can view them multiple times! 

 

Simply register via the PayPal button above, then email me [mbhutten@yahoo.com] to let me know that you will NOT be attending the sessions live, and will need the videos-link sent to you via email.

Got questions? Email: mbhutten@yahoo.com

Crucial information to get you started with healing your relationship:

More audio clips from Mark's workshops:

==> Chronic, Invasive Thinking-Patterns in People on the Autism Spectrum

==> Anxiety Associated with Excessive Verbal Instruction and Performing Mundane Tasks 

==> Low Social-Emotional Intelligence and Confusion Around Prioritized Allegiance

==> Guilt to "Toxic Guilt" to "Toxic Shame"  

==> Why you, the NT partner, get blamed for all the problems in the relationship…

==> Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors and Anxiety In Your AS or HFA Partner

 _________________________

Not ready to do group therapy yet? Try my program first then:

==> Living with an Aspergers Partner ...is a downloadable eBook designed to help couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties related to Aspergers (high-functioning autism).

WATCH THE VIDEO BELOW!

_________________________

Follow me on:

• Pinterest
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My Facebook support groups:

• Support for Women on the Autism Spectrum
• Adults with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism
• Women in Relationships with Asperger's Men
• Relationships With Asperger's Spouses/Partners

Brief biography:

Educational-

• Bachelors Degree; Psychology - Anderson University, Anderson, IN
• Masters Degree; Counseling Psychology - Vermont College of Norwich University, Montpelier, VT

Employment history-

• Madison County Juvenile Probation: SHOCAP Program
• Madison County Community Justice Center
• Madison County Correctional Complex
• Sowers of Seeds Counseling
• Indiana Juvenile Justice Task Force
• The Anderson Center 
• The Center for Mental Health

I'm a retired Family Therapist who performed home-based counseling/supervision for families experiencing difficulty with their children's emotional and behavioral problems, and conducted the following group therapies:

• Parent-Education Training
• Anger-Management Groups
• Relapse Prevention Groups
• Drug/Alcohol Workshops
• Sex Offender Groups

I'm currently a practicing Counseling Psychologist and parent-coach with more than 25+ years of experience. I have worked with hundreds of children and teens with Autism and Asperger's. I have also worked with hundreds of couples (married or otherwise) affected by autism spectrum disorders. I present workshops and run training courses for parents and professionals who deal with Autism Spectrum Disorders, and am a prolific author of articles, Blogs, and Ebooks on the subject.

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One of hundreds of testimonials:

Dear Mark,

Hello. I just wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you did for Alonso and I. We have had lots of bumps along the road and some very difficult and painful times. But we always come back to the toolbox you gave us, and with that, we find our way back to each other and a healthy way forward. I don't know how to put into words what it means to me, and what it has meant to our relationship, to know that there is a way out of the miscommunications or hurt or terrible empty spaces in our relationship. I don't know how to put into words the confidence and peace it gives us to know we have a toolbox, scripts to use, questions to ask, ways to talk, that always help us find our way, tools that get the fear and anxiety out of the way so we can actually understand each other. Even if it takes a few tries. Or many tries sometimes. But we don't live feeling like we are constantly slamming our heads against concrete walls. We don't live wondering if we'll ever be able to understand each other or if the fear and emptiness is all there is left. I am very honest when I say that if you hadn't helped us, I don't think we would have found our way back to each other and a way to make life work together, which would have broken all of our hearts. you have, without a doubt, been an instrument of God's goodness and mercy in our lives, and I am so profoundly grateful. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that what you did for us matters ,every day, and that we are so grateful. 

Most sincerely,

S.H.