Blog for Individuals and Neurodiverse Couples Affected by ASD
Are you an adult with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's? Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you struggling emotionally, socially, spiritually or otherwise? Then you've come to the right place. We are here to help you in any way we can. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile...
Here are 6 hacks to help reduce your stress throughout the work week:
1. Do something physical after work. Instead of walking in the door and crashing on the coach, give your body some attention in the form of exercise, or simply spend some time with friends or family. If you just work, then crash, then work again, then crash again, you are over-valuing your job – which will cause you to get lost in your own stressful thoughts and daily pressures. Instead, replace the work anxiety memories with new, better memories through good social contacts and exercise (note: combine the two by going to the gym with a friend).
2. Drink less coffee: If you start your day with a habitual cup of coffee – and then drink more once you get to work – know that this will raise your anxiety level. While a couple cups of coffee will increase energy level, it will also mimic stress symptoms (e.g., shakiness, racing heart, upset stomach, etc.).
3. Get up and move around. Go to the bathroom and stretch. Get a drink at the water fountain. Take a short walk on your lunch break. Anything to avoid sitting in one spot for too long. When we sit for lengthy periods of time, our breathing becomes shallow, which raises stress-levels.
4. Learn to turn your tasks into challenges for yourself. A lot of jobs consist of boring, menial labor. But you can add some spice to your life by timing yourself to see how quickly you can complete a particular task - or see how many tasks you can complete in a set time. In other words, turn your work into a game. This will give you the opportunity to accomplish more – and make your job a bit more pleasant.
5. Stop over-analyzing your anxiety. Oftentimes, diagnosing what exactly is getting you stressed creates even more stress. A moderate amount of stress is normal and to be expected. Some jobs are naturally stressful. Thus, paying extra attention to your stress-level is not unhelpful.
6. Take frequent mental breaks. Even if it’s just for a minute, meditate, take deep breaths, drop your shoulders and release any tension, or visualize a peaceful place that you experienced at some point (e.g., the beach). These little tactics help your brain to wind down a bit, which in turn reduces anxiety.
"Why is my husband [Asperger's] depressed all the time? Is depression part of the disorder? He doesn't talk much nowadays and seems to have very little quality of life in general. What can be done to help him? We haven't been getting along well for quite a while."
This is not surprising - and is a very common occurrence with people on the autism spectrum. My experience has been that these ASD individuals who are depressed a lot have been under pervasive, chronic stress over a long period of time.
Depression very rarely causes anxiety, but prolonged anxiety always causes depression. It's physically and emotionally draining to be under the influence of stress hormones 365 days-a-year ... a steady drip-drip-drip of adrenaline, noradrenalin, cortisol, Cortizone - all the stress chemicals wears-and-tears on them until it negatively affects their mood in the form of depression.
Feeling like a failure in the marriage is another major contributor to depression in males on the autism spectrum. They really want to please their wife (seriously, they do) but haven't figured out how to do this on a consistent basis. Being on the receiving end of what feels to him like chronic complaints about his "lack" slowly sucks a lot of self-esteem out of him, which reinforces his negative belief that he is indeed a social failure.
So, to work on the depression would be simply treating a symptom. It would be much better to treat the cause - which is anxiety! And the main cause of anxiety is the ASD individual's faulty belief system - and associated negative self-talk.
So in treating people with depression, I’m looking at the thinking errors they have about themselves (and the world in general), along with the destructive inner-monologue and commentary those thinking errors generate, AND the resultant self-fulfilling prophesies that often occur (i.e., believing in something negative for so long that it eventually becomes a reality).
The cycle often looks similar to this:
"I never get it right. So, I'm in a constant state of either trying harder or simply giving up" [thinking error].
"Trying harder and/or giving up doesn't fix my problems [anxiety], and is wearing me out" [depression].
"Things will just get worse from here on, I guess" [setting up a self-fulfilling prophesy].
On a related note, your Asperger's husband would benefit greatly from our ongoing men's group (diagnosed with ASD, or otherwise). In these groups, we take a deep dive into the issues of anxiety, depression, thinking errors, social skills, building self-esteem, and much more.
Unfortunately, it is very common for adults with Asperger’s (AS) and High Functioning Autism (HFA) to experience more than their fair share of stress – and to make matters worse – many of these people also lack the ability to manage their stress effectively.
Poor stress-management (PSM) occurs when the person is unable to cope with a particular stressor. Since individuals with PSM normally have symptoms that depressed individuals do (e.g., general loss of interest, feelings of hopelessness, crying, etc.), this condition is sometimes referred to as “situational depression.”
Unlike major depression, PSM is caused by an outside stressor and generally resolves once the person is able to adapt to the situation. PSM is different from anxiety disorder (which lacks the presence of a stressor), or post-traumatic stress disorder and acute stress disorder (which usually are associated with a more intense stressor).
Some emotional signs of poor stress-management are:
anxiety
crying spells
depression
desperation
difficulty concentrating
feeling overwhelmed
hopelessness
lack of enjoyment
nervousness
sadness
thoughts of suicide
trouble sleeping
worry
Some behavioral signs of PSM are:
reckless driving
performing poorly at school or work
ignoring important tasks (e.g., doing homework, paying bills)
hibernating in one’s bedroom or home
excessive time spent doing a particular "comfort activity" (e.g., playing computer games)
The recommended treatment for poor stress-management is psychotherapy. The goal of psychotherapy is symptom relief and behavior change. Anxiety may be presented as "a signal from the body" that something in the persons’ life needs to change. Treatment allows the AS or HFA adult to put his/her anxiety and anger into words rather than into destructive actions. Therapy can help the person gain the support he/she needs, identify abnormal responses, and maximize the use of personal strengths.
Sometimes small doses of antidepressants and anxiolytics are used in addition to other forms of treatment. In people with severe life-stresses and a significant anxious component, benzodiazepines are used. Tianeptine, alprazolam, and mianserin were found to be equally effective in people with anxiety. Additionally, antidepressants, antipsychotics, and stimulants (for people who became extremely withdrawn) have been used in treatment plans.
In addition to professional help, moms and dads can help their AS/HFA teens and adult children with their distress by:
having them engage in a hobby or activity they enjoy
involving their educators to check on their progress in school/college
letting them make simple decisions at home (e.g., what to eat for dinner, what show to watch on TV)
offering encouragement to talk about their emotions
• I find this extremely helpful. I would love to talk to the person who wrote this or other people dealing with these issues themselves or with their adult Aspie child. We are trying to get some medication to help with this, but I would also like to help my child (age 21) learn some coping skills.
• Im 25 and mostly everything on this page rings true. Ive never been diagnosed but recently a psychologist said I might have aspergers but that they dont officially diagnose that anymore.
• As an Aspie, I lose it under stress. I resort to covering my ears and reciting "I'm sorry," over and over again. When someone screams at me, my palms sweat and my hands are clammy. I shake and I hyperventilate, my thoughts race into a garbled jumble, and I avoid communication altogether. I simply cannot think.
• This is also me. Most of us, due to our condition, have anxiety/depression and all sorts of other nasties because we have had to work so hard at getting along with others, etc. I am currently hibernating to recover my equilibrium after what was a very pleasant time visiting family interstate. The cruel part is that even happy times are stressors to us! Anything which is out of the expected routine, unexpected outcomes, changes in plans, all stressful as we mentally work thru all the details of what will be NOW expected of us (to appear 'normal') It's a helluva situation, and I applaud you for your honesty and sharing. BTW I also say 'I'm sorry' way too much when not on top of things. We are so very used to being 'wrong' and 'odd' that our very existence seems some colossal reason to be apologetic to the world. Keep going,
“I’m currently dating a guy who is a very quiet and gentle person, but a bit odd in some ways. I’ve told some of my friends about how he acts, and a couple have suggested he has Asperger syndrome. What are some of the traits? How does it affect relationships? I would like to make this work, so I want to learn more about what to expect (and not expect). Thanks in advance!”
Although there are many possible symptoms related to Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism in adulthood, the main symptom is usually “difficulty with social situations” regardless of the age of the individual. The individual may have mild to severe symptoms, or have a few or many symptoms. Because of the wide variety of symptoms, no two people with the disorder are alike.
Symptoms in adulthood may include the following:
sometimes have an inability to see another person's point of view
often lack of emotional control, particularly with anger, depression, and anxiety
often excel because of being very detail-oriented
may have problems engaging in "small talk"
may find it frustrating and emotionally draining to try to socialize
may feel "different" from others
may be naive and too trusting, which can lead to workplace teasing/bullying
may appear immature for their age
have difficulty with high-level language skills (e.g., reasoning, problem solving, being too literal, etc.)
are typically uninterested in following social norms, fads, or conventional thinking, allowing creative thinking and the pursuit of original interests and goals
are focused and goal-driven
have a preference for rules and honesty may lead them to excel in their job
talk a lot about a favorite subject
speech may be flat and difficult to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent
one-sided conversations are common
most are very honest, sometimes to the point of rudeness
may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally
may have an awkward walk
are unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others’ speech
are preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about
are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities (e.g., designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, studying astronomy, etc.)
internal thoughts are often verbalized
may have an unusual facial expression or posture
have heightened sensitivity and becomes over-stimulated by loud noises, lights, strong tastes, certain textures, etc.
have a formal style of speaking (e.g., may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back")
do not pick up on social cues (e.g., being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, taking turns talking, etc.)
dislikes any changes in routines
have difficulty with transitions
difficulty regulating social/emotional responses involving anger, or excessive anxiety
difficulties associated with this disorder can cause them to become withdrawn and socially isolated and to have depression or anxiety
may avoid eye contact or stare at others
may appear to lack empathy
may appear to be "in his/her own world"
Many of these individuals find their way to psychiatrists and other mental health providers where the true, developmental nature of their problems may go unrecognized or misdiagnosed (30-50% of all adults with Asperger’s are never evaluated or correctly diagnosed).
Many adults with Asperger’s have been able to utilize their skills, often with support from loved ones, to achieve a high level of function, personally and professionally – and some represent a unique resource for society, having the single mindedness and consuming interest to advance our knowledge in various areas of science, math, etc.
Their rigidity of style and idiosyncratic perspective on the world can make interactions difficult, both in and out of the family. There is a risk for mood problems (e.g., depression, anxiety). They are often viewed by others as eccentric, and they can be challenged by the social and emotional demands of marriage (although many do marry).
Many also have coexisting conditions, such as anxiety disorder, ADD or ADHD, depression, OCD, and social anxiety disorder.
1. Do something physical after work. Instead of walking in the door and crashing on the coach, give your body some attention in the form of exercise, or simply spend some time with friends or family. If you just work, then crash, then work again, then crash again, you are over-valuing your job – which will cause you to get lost in your own stressful thoughts and daily pressures. Instead, replace the work anxiety memories with new, better memories through good social contacts and exercise (note: combine the two by going to the gym with a friend).
