Support & Education for Adults on the Autism Spectrum: Search results for boyfriend

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Severe Mood Swings in Your ASD Partner

“Is it common for a person with ASD to experience frequent mood swings? My boyfriend will be fine one moment, but if something changes (that I’m unaware of most of the time), he gets instantly upset and somewhat verbally abusive.”

It is common for people with autism spectrum disorder to exhibit mood swings. (i.e., an emotional response that is poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response). Overwhelming emotions can take over, and the affected individual will use some type of coping mechanism (at an unconscious level) to deal with them.

The trigger for a mood swing might be the result of a very minor incident (e.g., sensory sensitivity) or something much more upsetting (e.g., an argument with you). Also, many mood swings last until the person is completely drained of his negative emotions (in worst case scenarios, this could last for days in the form of a shutdown).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

In my practice, one frequently asked question by NT partners is: “What do I do when my ASD partner can’t control his emotions?” When severe mood swings occur, the first response is to ensure the safety of all concerned.

Of course, mood swings are not planned, but instead are most often caused by elusive and puzzling environmental triggers. When the “shift in mood” happens, everyone in its path feels pain – including the ASD partner.

As a neurotypical girlfriend, you can expect your boyfriend to experience both minor and major mood swings over incidents that are part of daily life. Many NTs have a hard time knowing how their ASD partner is going to react in certain situations. However, there are many ways to help your boyfriend to keep from escalating to an “out-of-control level.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Let’s look at just three:

1. Don’t throw gas on the fire: Avoid confronting your boyfriend in the heat of the moment. The moment you attempt to control him with hopes of getting him to calm down quickly, you are raising his anxiety – not lowering it.

2. Give a signal: Ask him if he would be willing to respond to your "signal" (e.g., a hand motion) to stay composed. Give that signal as soon as he starts "fuming " about something.

3. This is not about you (the NT): As difficult as it may be in the heat of the moment, don’t take your boyfriend’s strong feelings personally. You may justifiably feel aggravated and personally attacked when he explodes. But, save discussion about your feelings on the matter for later (when he has calmed down).

==> More articles on dealing with an angry ASD partner can be found here…

More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

Challenges Facing Neurotypical Wives

The challenges facing some women who are married to a man with ASD (high-functioning autism) can be difficult to navigate. These challenges may be completely hidden to other family members, friends and co-workers.

No one seems to understand what the wife struggles with. Her husband may seem to be a “good guy” who appears perfectly "normal" to everyone else.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Being married to a man on the autism spectrum may be filled with a predictable progressive pattern that goes from joyful to puzzled to irritated to angry, and finally, to hopeless. In the beginning, the wife may have been swept off her feet and ravished with affection and attention. She was the primary focus of her boyfriend's life. His “obsession” with the relationship felt romantic and intoxicating. But, after a few years of marriage, this feeling may have faded.

The waning of affection is not conscious on the autistic husband's part. He is most likely not even aware that this has happened. However, as time goes on, the wife may experience certain negative emotions associated with her husband’s need to find interesting activities in places outside of the relationship. Examples of these emotions include:

Hopelessness: When the wife’s best effort to resolve the ongoing relationship difficulties goes nowhere, a lack of hope may permeate the relationship and lead to a separation or divorce.
Rejection: Men on the autism spectrum are often consumed by their "special interest." They may be chronically distracted by this interest and find it difficult to pay attention to their wife. This may lead her to feel neglected, or it can be misinterpreted as disinterest on the part of her husband.
Resentment: This emotion becomes prevalent when the wife feels ignored, disregarded, disrespected, and alone in the relationship. Some wives will respond to this by becoming very angry and yelling at their husband, while others will shut down and block all emotions (with the possible exception of sadness and depression).
Extreme fatigue: As the wife tries to compensate for the lack of equal sharing or follow-through in responsibilities, she often feels exhausted. In her mind, no amount of effort appears to resolve the problems that continue to plague the relationship. Due to the inconsistency in her husband's willingness to take responsibility for things and feelings of being burdened with more than her fair share of tasks (e.g., chores, child-care, bills, etc.), more feelings of exhaustion and tension are manifest.
Feeling devalued: Wives of husbands on the spectrum often get the feeling that all their good suggestions and advice are not taken to heart. This may cause the wife to come to the conclusion that her ideas, opinions, wants and needs are worthless to her husband.
Disappointment: In the viewpoint of the wife, the same kinds of problems keep presenting themselves over and over again. She has tried to discuss the issues in question, and she has tried to make herself understood, yet the same problems persist.
Feeling isolated: Because her husband seems disinterested in what she has to say and appears to ignore her, it easy to understand why the wife may feel lonely.

Since the ASD husband may not even be aware that the marriage has changed for the worse, he doesn't understand why his wife is always so demanding and "bitchy." Her increasing dissatisfaction, resentment and complaints only further damage any chances of communication and intimacy, because the husband feels that he can “never do anything right.” He may even feel unloved.

The negative, downward spiral that we just looked at may be avoided when both spouses understand the way autistic symptoms are affecting the relationship. It is VERY possible to learn different behaviors to heal these kinds of wounds.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

How To Make Your NT Wife H A P P Y !!!

In multiple studies, females have been shown to be more intuitive, which makes them more sensitive than males. Studies also reveal that females show more empathy and patience, whereas males are inclined toward problem-solving and are more comfortable with the language of logic than of emotion.

In Western culture, especially, men are taught that it isn't macho to be sensitive and show emotion. Females are given more support to express their feelings than males are.

To men on the spectrum: No matter how macho you are or how lovey-dovey your NT wife or girlfriend can get, there's always more room for sensitivity and affection. So don't be too shy to break out the emergency “nice-guy kit” every now and then, and get to work.

25 relationship tips for men with ASD [High-Functioning Autism]:

1. Be interesting rather than glued to the TV with a beer in your hand.

2. Compliment her, and tell her you love her at least once a day.

3. Connect with her physically during the day. Kiss her when you wake up, hold her hand sometimes, touch her in non-sexual ways. She'll be nicer to you, and your sex life will improve.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

4. Do little day-to-day things that will make her feel taken care of, for example, fill her empty water glass, bring her coffee in bed, or turn down her side of the bed if you go to bed before she does.

5. Don't laugh at her television shows. For some women, watching Oprah or Dr. Phil may be the only “adult conversation” they have in a day.

6. In the course of disagreeing with your wife, what you may fail to realize is that, invariably, you’re wrong. You just are. You’re trying to be right — but failing. You can’t help it. It’s the nature of things. Husbands are bigger, hairier, stronger, and wronger. It’s just a fact that you should just get used to (your wife has!). Also, when you're angry or upset, tell her why. Don't make her guess.

7. Encourage her dreams and help make them come true if you can.

8. Give flowers for NO reason. Daisies picked from a neighboring field will put a smile on her face.

9. Have your own opinions. Females like males who are clear on what they think – and why they think it. Males, though, enjoy ever waffling. Well, waffles are for children. Stop it. Commit to thoughts, ideas, and decisions. Sure, you will be wrong about whatever it is you decide to think – but you’ll be attractively wrong (i.e., wrong, but manly).

10. Help around the house. These days, both partners are usually holding down an outside job. The home chores must be shared. Do so willingly.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

11. If your girlfriend comes in during halftime of the super bowl and says something like, “I’ve been thinking about our future together,” then you should turn down the volume on the TV and listen (really!). If anything involves you at a fairly high level and “the two of you” in the long-term, then STOP whatever you're doing and pay attention to the given matter. If you don't, you might unknowingly agree to move out to the country, get a couple goats and a horse, raise 3 kids, and start attending church. Then you'll be in for a long discussion, all because you were too busy watching the Colts lose another championship.

12. If your wife or girlfriend is happy so long as you listen (or pretend to) when she talks, then leave it at that. But if you see that she wants you to be interested and ask many questions, then doing so might save you a lot of future headaches.

13. It would be in your best interest to remember that women have very LONG memories and don't forget easily.

14. Know that if she is a "stay at home" mom, she is doing a huge job and one you would not want. Show appreciation.

15. Learning to be sensitive is something that improves with age. Some males are naturals, while others lack the suave, subtle ways needed to keep their woman happy. In any event, adapt your game plan based on how much affection your wife or girlfriend wants (or needs).

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

16. Let the kids be your responsibility now and then. That way, she'll get some time for herself for a change.

17. Listen, listen, then listen some more! Put down that newspaper (or TV remote) and let her know your focus is on her. When she tells you her problems, try not to jump in with advice. A sympathetic ear may be all she needs.

18. Ok, this is huge---give her the remote!

19. Plan special evenings for no reason, AND schedule the babysitter.

20. PMS -- don't make light of it, they hate it as much as you hate the moods and outbursts.

21. Remember that your tone does too matter. You know how in arguments with your spouse, you keep

thinking that if she would just focus on “what” you are saying instead of on “how” you are saying it, then she would see how right you are? Yeah, well that is never going to happen. She needs to know you still love her as you are yelling at her. Women are weird like that.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

22. Stop fidgeting while your spouse is talking to you. It really is rude — and you know it. If you don’t stop doing that, then one day, when your spouse starts talking to you about her day, you’re going to start fiddling with the remote control or something else, and she’s going to suddenly scream and throw a cast iron pot your way.

23. Suggest a walking routine together, not to discuss heavy issues, but to simply spend some time together.

24. Take care of all vehicles. Some men feel if it's the wife's car, then she needs to schedule maintenance on it.

25. When buying gifts, make them special – no appliances unless she is asking for them.

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Comments:

• Anonymous …Anyone have problems with their parents? My mother hates me and says I'm uncaring, unloving, and selfish and she doesn't want to see how I raise my children because they will be the same way. She also thinks I'm setting her up for failure when I ask her a question and then give her the correct scientific answer. When in my reality, all I'm doing is trying to update her info, so I think I'm helping her to gain better knowledge. The thing is, if I didn't say these things, we'd have nothing to talk about :/ It's sad really. I'm afraid our relationship is going to be over. She does not like the "real me." She prefers the quiet insecure teenager that I used to be years ago. According to her I've "gotten worse" but I'm really just discovering myself. Sorry for the rant, it's been an emotionally draining night and day. Has anyone experienced this?

• Anonymous …Sounds like the problem is with your mom ...I wouldn't view this as your issue. It's hers. Does she understand Aspergers (High-Functioning Autism) at all?!

• Anonymous …Only when it's convenient for her it seems. But she also thinks she may have passed it down to me. We will never know, she's not willing to get tested.

• Anonymous …Sounds a lot like my mother. I ended up "timing" my visits to 15 mins unless things were going exceptionally well. I had a "pre-planned excuse" to leave if I didn't like the way conversations were heading. And, that 15 mins was exhausting! My mom had her own "issues" and sounds like your mom does too. Don't let her "issues" upset YOUR life. I found the key to surviving the relationship with her was to set some very strong boundaries.

• Anonymous …I dont know if this will help... Im trying to suggest that you can remain hopeful about the future... I was estranged from my parents until a boyfriend both limited the length of each visit, but increased the number of visits. (like Lynn said). But really, It was strained until I had kids; bizarrely i then re-evaluated everything my parents had done/said, and through new understanding I forgave most of what had occurred. Parenthood is hard and many parents lack info and support to become better at parenting. Maybe it's also that you don't understand your mums fears and feelings (?) and that she's still trying to say how she feelsas a mum 'in general', rather than trying to be hurtful to you? Regardless- It sounds like you're in pain. Hang in there, and remember to treat yourself well."

• Anonymous …"OMG! Someone recorded one of my many conversations with my mother! LMAO!! This is priceless! I too spent many years as an independent contractor and got the "why don't you get a real job" speech. My mother quit visiting me and I only saw her on holidays at her house after she came to my house many years ago when I was out working and CLEANED it! I asked her to never do that again and so she never came over again - which was actually totally fine with me! LOL"

• Unknown…My son is going to be 21 years old and is going to be elaluated for Aspergers. He say it is too late for him at this age and his future is "F***ed". Any words of inspiration or later in life diagnosed people out there that have success stories? Thank you! Heartbroken.

Post your comment below…

Will Your ASD Partner's Anger-Control Issues Be a Life-Long Problem?

“Are people on the autism spectrum usually prone to angry outbursts? I recently discovered that my boyfriend has traits of ASD and need to know if his ‘anger control’ issue is going to be an ongoing problem for us.”

People with ASD are prone to anger, which can be made worse by difficulty in communicating feelings of anxiety. Anger is often a common reaction experienced when coming to terms with problems in relationships (i.e., things that occur that raise the ASD individual’s stress level).

There can be an ‘on-off’ quality to this anger where the individual is calm minutes later after an angry outburst (e.g., meltdown), while those around are stunned and may feel hurt or shocked for hours, if not days, afterward.

The NT partner often struggles to understand these angry outbursts, with resentment and bitterness building up over time. Once the NT understands that her ASD partner has trouble controlling his anger - or understanding its effects on others - she can learn ways to respond that will help to manage these outbursts (i.e., to keep them from escalating).

In some cases, the person on the spectrum may not acknowledge that he has trouble with his anger - and will blame his NT partner for provoking him. Again, this can create enormous conflict within the relationship. It will take carefully phrased feedback and plenty of time for the ASD partner to gradually realize he has a problem with how he expresses his anger and frustration.

A good place to start is identifying a pattern in how the outbursts are related to specific frustrations. Such triggers may originate from the environment, specific individuals, or internal thoughts. Common causes of anger in people with ASD include: other people’s behavior (e.g., critical comments); intolerance of imperfections in others; having routines and order disrupted; anxiety; being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation.

Identifying the cause of anger can be a challenge. It is important to consider all possible influences relating to one’s physical state (e.g., pain, tiredness), mental state (e.g., existing frustration, confusion), the environment (e.g., too much stimulation, lack of structure, change of routine), and how well the ASD individual can regulate difficult emotions. Life-coaching and Neurodiverse Couples Counseling can help in this area.

More resources for couples affected by ASD:

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Why People with ASD Can Be Very STUBBORN!

“Why is my boyfriend [with ASD] so stubborn and closed-minded?”

Realizing that your boyfriend on the autism spectrum will not be a good observer of his own behavior is your first step in understanding him. ASD-like behavior is often a result of anxiety that accompanies mind-blindness.

On way for the person on the spectrum to reduce anxiety is to have rules, strict routines, and lots of structure in his life. This often appears to others as very rigid behavior. This rigidity is the most common reason for relationships problems.

Reasons for rigidity include the following:

anxiety about a current or upcoming event, no matter how trivial it might appear to you
any violation of a rule or ritual (changing something from the way it is “supposed” to be)
immediate gratification of a need
misunderstanding or misinterpretation of other's actions
OCD
perfectionism
sensory sensitivities
the need to avoid or escape from a non-preferred activity (e.g., chit chat)
need to control a situation
need to engage in or continue a preferred activity, usually an obsessive action or fantasy
transitioning from one activity to another (this is usually a problem because it may mean ending an activity before he is finished with it)

Understanding your boyfriend involves knowing the traits of the disorder - and how they manifest themselves in everyday behaviors. How does he view the world, think about things, and react to what is going on in his environment?

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> Online Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's

Crucial Interventions for Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Here you will find important information (in alphabetical order) for those experiencing relationship problems associated with Autism Spectrum Disorder:

§ Anger to Meltdown to Guilt to Self-Punishment: An ...

§ Anger-Control Problems in Adults on the Autism Spe...

§ Asperger’s Adults and Blue Mood

§ Asperger’s Adults and Problems with Social Imagina...

§ AS and Attention Deficit Disorder

§ Asperger's and Problems with Prediction

§ Asperger's and That Damn Anxiety Problem

§ Boyfriend Doesn't Like To Be Touched?

§ Boyfriend Has a Computer Addiction?

§ Challenges Facing Wives Who Are Married to Asperge...

§ Conversation Starters: Advice from a Guy with Aspe...

§ Denying the Diagnosis of Asperger's