Support &amp; Education for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Does Your Boyfriend Have ASD?

“I’ve been reading about asperger syndrome and high functioning autism recently. I think my boyfriend may have a mild form of it. I’ve looked at all the diagnostic criteria, and I’m not sure he fits in perfectly. But that is hard to diagnose since I’m not a professional. I was hoping someone might point me in the right direction. I’m not sure if this is just some personality issue, or something bigger. But I swear he has some social problems whether it is asperger or not. How can I know for sure what I’m dealing with?”

So, you think your boyfriend may have ASD (high-functioning autism)? Well, here is an informal quiz that may shed some light on the subject:

Does your boyfriend have:

a discriminatory sense of smell and taste
a preference for following instructions and abiding by rules
a tendency to be very literal in his understanding
an ability to see in detail, or an inability to see the whole because of too much detail
an apparent lack of empathy
an extreme sensitivity to touch, textures and pressures, or a need for stronger textures and increased pressure
either an acute sense of hearing or the inability to hear clearly
extensive knowledge about a single topic
inflexible routines
the tendency to care way too much about organizing stuff
the tendency to need other people to provide clear schedules and expectations
trouble describing basic emotions
trouble displaying emotion
trouble figuring what is appropriate in social situations
trouble understanding other people’s emotions

Does your boyfriend find it difficult to:

engage in or understand small talk
maintain eye contact
show empathy and understand of others
speak untruths in order not to offend
understand body language and facial expressions
understand personal space
understand sarcasm, jokes, irony
understand social rules which are not based on logic
understand the complexities of interpersonal relationships
understand verbal communication without corresponding verbal cues (e.g., notes, diagrams)

Is your boyfriend:

anxious by change, spontaneity and unplanned events
experiencing difficulties in comprehending abstract concepts (e.g., formality, spontaneity, fun, anxiety)
experiencing difficulties in coping with the unknown (e.g., new people, new places, new situations)
experiencing difficulties in remembering sequences without prompts (e.g., diary, personal planner, alarm)
obsessed with a special interest, place or person
reluctant to use his own initiative

Are there times when your boyfriend can seem:

thoughtless
self-centered
rude
lost in his own world
eccentric
depressed
disorganized
anxious
aggressive
absent-minded
abrupt

But there are positives involved as well. For example, many people with Asperger’s possess the following traits:

direct, open and honest
excellent memory
high level of vocabulary
mathematical and technical skills
precision and attention to detail

If any of the above sounds familiar, then you may be dealing with a boyfriend on the autism spectrum. Of course, the only way to know for sure is for him to seek a formal diagnosis.

Unfortunately, another fairly common trait of men with ASD (undiagnosed) is “denial” that they may have the disorder. So, don’t expect him to run to their nearest diagnostician for an assessment any time soon.

In fact, it would NOT be surprising if he became offended that you “think” he may have autism. If this turns out to be the case, be prepared for him to get defensive - and possibly blame YOU for any relationship problems the two of you may be facing.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Severe Mood Swings in Your ASD Partner

“Is it common for a person with ASD to experience frequent mood swings? My boyfriend will be fine one moment, but if something changes (that I’m unaware of most of the time), he gets instantly upset and somewhat verbally abusive.”

It is common for people with autism spectrum disorder to exhibit mood swings. (i.e., an emotional response that is poorly modulated and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response). Overwhelming emotions can take over, and the affected individual will use some type of coping mechanism (at an unconscious level) to deal with them.

The trigger for a mood swing might be the result of a very minor incident (e.g., sensory sensitivity) or something much more upsetting (e.g., an argument with you). Also, many mood swings last until the person is completely drained of his negative emotions (in worst case scenarios, this could last for days in the form of a shutdown).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

In my practice, one frequently asked question by NT partners is: “What do I do when my ASD partner can’t control his emotions?” When severe mood swings occur, the first response is to ensure the safety of all concerned.

Of course, mood swings are not planned, but instead are most often caused by elusive and puzzling environmental triggers. When the “shift in mood” happens, everyone in its path feels pain – including the ASD partner.

As a neurotypical girlfriend, you can expect your boyfriend to experience both minor and major mood swings over incidents that are part of daily life. Many NTs have a hard time knowing how their ASD partner is going to react in certain situations. However, there are many ways to help your boyfriend to keep from escalating to an “out-of-control level.

==> More articles on dealing with an angry ASD partner can be found here…

Let’s look at just three:

1. Don’t throw gas on the fire: Avoid confronting your boyfriend in the heat of the moment. The moment you attempt to control him with hopes of getting him to calm down quickly, you are raising his anxiety – not lowering it.

2. Give a signal: Ask him if he would be willing to respond to your "signal" (e.g., a hand motion) to stay composed. Give that signal as soon as he starts "fuming " about something.

3. This is not about you (the NT): As difficult as it may be in the heat of the moment, don’t take your boyfriend’s strong feelings personally. You may justifiably feel aggravated and personally attacked when he explodes. But, save discussion about your feelings on the matter for later (when he has calmed down).

More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Men on the Autism Spectrum Who Won't "Work" On Their Relationships

“I have a boyfriend with aspergers syndrome that I love dearly. However, there are some issues that I would like to address that are getting in the way of this going to the next level. Problem is he won’t talk about issues, or consider going to a counselor that could help us. If I tell him how I feel, he gets overwhelmed and leaves. How can you work on problems in a relationship when the other person won’t talk about it? I really do love him and want to make this work, but I’m stuck at a dead end road currently.”

One of the toughest things in a relationship is when one partner wants to work on the existing problems, but the other doesn’t even think there is a problem – or worse, doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for some men with ASD (high-functioning autism) to flat-out refuse to go to couples counseling, or they do so reluctantly. Many of these guys won’t read a book about relationships, and don’t seem interested in talking about the problems.

It can be incredibly frustrating for the “neurotypical” (i.e., non-autistic) girlfriend who knows her relationship isn’t what it could be. After all, if he won’t work on the issues, isn’t it hopeless that he will ever change? And isn’t it reasonable to assume marriage is out of the question?

The question then becomes, given the situation here, what can be done on a day-to-day basis to improve the relationship before it implodes? Here are some ideas that may help:

Message to the boyfriend:

Men with ASD who are unwilling to go to counseling are usually afraid that the counselor will berate them. They worry that the counselor will take the side of their partner. But, they need to understand that couples counseling is not solely for people on the brink of a break-up. It is for any couple who cares about their relationship being healthy.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

To use an analogy, you may not need surgery, but you should still see your doctor periodically for check-ups. It’s no different with a love relationship that could use a check-up. Lose the stigma you have about counseling – and go. A counselor is simply an anonymous friend who can help you get your relationship on a good track. Also, a good counselor is not going to chastise you or side with your girlfriend.

Also, remember this rule: “Whoever is hurt is the one who is suffering.” Stop focusing on who is right and wrong, and focus on the fact that your girlfriend is hurt. This is your partner, not your sister. Your girlfriend wants to be with you. She cares about you. If she didn’t, then she wouldn’t be working so hard to keep the relationship going.

Message to the girlfriend:

If your boyfriend has refused to work on the relationship, show him that YOU are trying to work on it. Read relationship books or E-books in the presence of your man (in 15-minute chunks, max). This is a tactful and subtle hint without being a “bitch.”

Most men are open to being read to, because it doesn’t feel like a personal attack. This strategy may spark your boyfriend’s interest to engage in conversation about what you’re reading and inspire him to want to read along, or at least read a chapter or section. Try it! You've got nothing to lose here.

In addition, understand that you have already tried talking about the relationship problems many times now – and have been ignored. Thus, bringing it up in the same context isn’t going to help. Your first temptation may be to do so louder or with a drastic ultimatum. Don’t do either.

The problem may be something your boyfriend will never change – and maybe can’t change even if he wanted to. Who knows? It’s important to realize that potential reality and not feel “entitled” to him changing. If the two of you are meant to be together, then it will happen regardless of your efforts to “fix” the relationship.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Boyfriend with ASD Doesn't Like To Be Touched?

"My new boyfriend advised me he has autism (high functioning), which I have no problem with that (other than I don’t really know a lot about the ‘disorder’). I’m very interested in him …he’s a really nice guy, but I have one issue that puzzles me. He seems to pull back a bit when I make physical contact with him (lean against him, put my arm around him, for example). He says that sometimes it’s hard for him to be touched by others and stated that he never liked to be hugged by anyone as a child. This concerns me, because how can you have a close relationship with someone who is uncomfortable with physical touch… would be really hard to have a man that you can't hug, kiss or hold. Is it common for ASD?"

Although it can happen, it is rare for adults with ASD (and Asperger's) to "refuse" to be touched at all times - in all situations. However, it is fairly common for them to have tactile sensory issues, which may make them avoid certain types of physical contact with others on occasion.

BUT... this really has nothing at all to do with the inability - or lack of desire - to show or receive affection. I work with many adults on the spectrum, and they are the most kind and compassionate people I know! So please don't make the mistake of taking your boyfriend's lack of interest in physical contact as a personal insult.

One of the most pervasive myths that surrounds ASD is that a person who has it will never show affection and can’t accept receiving affection from others. ASD and the way it affects people really runs the gamut from mild to severe. An excellent point to remember when dealing with a person on the autism spectrum is that each one of them is different and will react to almost everything differently.

For a few adults on the spectrum, a simple, random hug can be sensory overload. They can become agitated if they are touched without prior warning. You will probably need to have a trial-and-error approach when it comes to hugging and touching your boyfriend. Some methods may be responded to in a positive way, other ways might not be. You just have to try and see.

When you want to give your boyfriend a hug, instead of rushing into his personal space and just taking one, approach him and open your arms. Smile and see how he responds. If he doesn't come leaning in for a hug, don’t feel snubbed. It just wasn’t the right time.

Let’s don’t sugar-coat things here, though. You need to know that trying to figure out a puzzling disorder like ASD can be a lifelong challenge, and for many partners and spouses, the affection issue may be the biggest. But with patience and learning to go by your boyfriend’s cues and not your own, you will be able to connect with him in a deep and satisfying way.

View the comments below for additional perspectives on this matter.

==> More information on dealing with boyfriends on the autism spectrum can be found here...

More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

COMMENTS:

•   Anonymous said… Been diagnosed at 44 with Asperger's officially this year (2017) I was and sometimes still am, "skittish" about people touching me. this is not just for personal relationships, also friendships, work etc. let him make the first move but let him know you want him to touch you or that you want to touch him. :-) takes some of the stress away.
•   Anonymous said… better to know it going into the relationship than finding out after 40 years of a " frustrating and rocky" marriage...
•   Anonymous said… hi i have aspergers and i am in a long term relationship and i dont have any pyysical contact at all, i find it to hard, becasue of sensry issues but we are still close
•   Anonymous said… I am very new to this topic, so please forgive me if this is an ignorant question. If I can't stand to be touched when I'm upset/mad due to the tenderness of the touch angering me even more, is that an autistic tendency? I get lost in so many articles I'm just hoping I can talk to other high-functioning folks and get some takes, personal stories, and opinions. 😊
•   Anonymous said… I can ID with that poor chap; i think we can see what we miss out on due to our hypersensitivity.
•   Anonymous said… I don't mind being touched and I have Aspergers :)
•   Anonymous said… I sometimes have this issue as well. But it's more I don't want to be touched or held onto by certain people. My close friends or a girlfriend(intimacy is no problem for me)could grab on or hug or lean on me, but I'm uncomfortable with touching or being touched by certain family members or people who are effectively strangers to me. I definitely tense up when grabbed or touched by someone other than those truly close to me.
•   Anonymous said… I'm the same it took a while before I was comfortable with my boyfriend initiating contact, and even now if I'm out of sorts in any way or upset he know not to try to hug me, but hugging a person is his instinct when they are upset and it took him time to get used to not doing it to me. He does say that because I don't like contact that much, it makes it mean so much more to him when I do show affection and give him a hug or kiss.
•   Anonymous said… It can be VERY difficult if that's a true need for you.
•   Anonymous said… It takes awhile... I'm the same way... I don't like being touched until I'm VERY comfortable with the person... once I get comfortable though I tend to swing the opposite way...
•   Anonymous said… It's absolutely fantastic he told you up front!! Just know his love for you will be shown in different ways. You'll both have to make adjustments.... but isn't that true of any relationship? I've been with my asperger's husband for 10 years now.
•   Anonymous said… No, no we don't. It takes a very long time before I feel comfortable with someone even high fiving me.
•   Anonymous said… Phisical contact can happen for me but it takes a bit time to get used to the person been trying to
•   Anonymous said… That would be me and is why I have never had a girlfriend
•   Anonymous said… This is a common thing sign aspergics. I used to 'ball up' when ever some one Hugged me.
•   Anonymous said… This is a common thing sign aspergics. I used to 'ball up' when ever some one Hugged me.
•   Anonymous said… You might find it a bit ridiculous, but my husband sometimes ask before, like "hey can I hug you now and I find it much more easy because I know what's coming, and I'm really enjoying it.
*     Anonymous said… I am still learning myself, but from what I understand and have experienced personally, autism/aspergers is a disorder of the senses. Our minds are wired differently and how we perceive the world around us is different. Each person is different and how they perceive each sensation and which sensations they are more or less sensitive to varies. It’s like each of our senses is on a dial and the dials are either turned way up or turned way down. For example, my son has a sensitivity to sound. Whenever anything is too loud, he’ll place his hands over his ears and say, “Too loud! Too loud!” When he talks, he often mumbles or uses a high pitched voice. Because his perception is different, he hears sound much louder than it actually is and speaking at a higher pitch in a normal volume is easier for him to handle. Sound is one of my senses that seems to be turned down a bit. My hearing is fine, but in order for me to perceive what I’m hearing, the volume needs to be turned up a bit. I like my music loud to drown out all of the other noises and the voice in my head that goes non-stop. If I don’t focus on it, I talk very loudly. My whole life people have been asking me why I was yelling, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. It’s because my perception of sound is different. Touch is tricky. Different textures and types of touch give different sensations, which can be perceived a lot of different ways. For me personally, it’s kind of all over the place. I find myself craving certain kinds of touch at times, because it helps me feel grounded or provides a sensation I am looking for at the time (such as holding my husband’s hand in a crowded place to give me something to focus on, so my anxieties don’t spin out of control). Other types of touch I find repulsive (like wool). Sometimes it’s the texture, while other times it might be the weight or pressure behind the touch that feels wrong or even just how/where they are touching me period. Hugs and affection has to be done in certain ways or I can’t stand it and will pull away. Even how our fingers intertwine when we hold hands has to be just right or I can’t do it. That being said, I am still a very affectionate person. My husband and I just had to learn what worked and what didn’t. It was difficult at times, especially in the beginning when we were both learning. But, we found our way. The key is open communication between the two of you. He needs to feel safe enough to let you know something is bothering him and you need to be able to not take it personally when he pulls away. If you are really interested in him, I recommend educating yourself. Life can be interesting and challenging when your perception of the world is different. Being with someone with a different perception of the world can be difficult at times. Even if it doesn’t work out, it won’t hurt to have the knowledge. You never know what might happen in the future. My husband and I had to figure it out without the knowledge or a diagnosis. We now know why we had the difficulties we did, but having a diagnosis and knowledge that comes with it back then would have been extremely helpful. We are now educated and learning to adapt to a whole new set of sensitivities with our son. Hope this helps some at least. Best of luck!

* Anonymous said... We're in our 5th year of marriage and I'm learning all the time, my Aspergers comes with hypersensitivity as well so some touch is actually physically unpleasant, (I couldn't bear being tickled as a child) but once we realised then my better half is a good deal firmer with touch, which itself has lead to some of the hypersensitivity being lessened.... No idea how or why but there you are... When we first got together I was only just learning about AS and together we worked with it. It's not been easy but is worth the endeavour. I guess it's best to lay it out there off the bat and let the early days play out as they will... Not everyone is willing to invest time and effort into a relationship, and to be honest, you don't really need a relationship like that...

Post your comment below…

Aspergers Boyfriend Has a Computer Addiction?

“What can I do about my Aspergers boyfriend’s tendency to spend countless hours on the computer (researching this and that)? I don't usually care for labels, but I think it would be fair to call him a "computer addict." He is in his “home office” constantly and spends very little time with me or my son. Our relationship ALWAYS comes second. When I approach him about it, he just says, "I’ll be done in a bit… hold on!” Do you have any ideas that can help us? We have talked about getting married someday, but we’re just not there yet. I really do love this man, but I have to wonder if he values being on the computer more than he does me.”

The first thing to do is to make an effort to get inside your boyfriend's mind. If you can understand his motivation and what makes him tick, you'll be in a better position to help him fully comprehend your concern. As you may already know, people with Aspergers are “wired” differently. One of the traits associated with the disorder is the fact that they give a lot of time and attention to just one or two “special interests.”

Give this a try: Plan a nice dinner out with your boyfriend on the weekend (without your son, if possible). Put aside your anger and disappointment and tell him how much you love him and appreciate him as a partner and a role model for your son. At the same time, be honest with him and let him know that his “computer time” seems to be taking precedence over the relationship. Tell him you value his input and involvement as a father-figure, and ask him if he would be willing to examine his schedule and make some changes.

If you can deliver this message in the spirit of love rather than resentment and frustration, you may be surprised at how positively your boyfriend responds. On the other hand, if he reacts defensively and denies there's a problem, it may be time for the two of you to consider couple’s counseling with someone who specializes in ASD. If he refuses to go to counseling, then you may need to either (a) learn to live with this situation, or (b) consider moving on.

If your boyfriend does express an openness to your concerns, then you've taken a huge step in the right direction. But you will want to have plenty of patience in store. If he truly has a computer addiction, he's not going to change overnight. If he's serious about making the changes you're requesting, he'll want to be held accountable by a therapist who specializes in addiction.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples: