==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
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Difficulties with "Theory of Mind" in People on the Autism Spectrum
Research reveals that adults with ASD (High-Functioning Autism) appear to have trouble using theory of mind to make moral judgments in certain situations. Specifically, the study found that adults with autism spectrum disorder were more likely than neurotypical subjects to blame someone for accidentally causing harm to another person.
This shows that the judgments of people with ASD rely more on the outcome of the incident than on an understanding of the person’s intentions.
For example, in one scenario, James and a friend are snowmobiling in an area known for loose snow. The friend asks James if he should take an easterly route around a row of pine trees. James has just read that avoiding the west slope is the safest way to go, and so he tells his friend that it should be O.K. to head east.
The friend takes off in that direction and starts an avalanche which quickly overtakes him and buries him alive. In this scenario, the researchers found that adults on the spectrum are more likely than neurotypicals to blame James for his friend’s death – even though James believed the slope was harmless.
Most kids develop theory-of-mind ability around age 4 or 5, which can be demonstrated experimentally with “false-belief” tests. For example, a youngster is shown two dolls, “Jane” and “Barbara.” The experimenter puts on a skit in which Jane puts a marble in a basket and then leaves the scene. While Jane is away, Barbara moves the marble from the basket to a box. The experimenter asks the child where Jane will look for the marble when she returns.
Giving the correct answer (that Jane will look in the basket) requires an understanding that others have beliefs that may differ from our own knowledge of the world – and from reality. Previous studies have shown that kids with ASD develop this ability later than neurotypical kids.
Individuals with autism often develop compensatory mechanisms to deal with their difficulties in understanding the thoughts of others. The details of these mechanisms are unknown, but they allow the person with the disorder to function in society and to pass simple experimental tests (e.g., determining whether someone has committed a societal “faux pas”).
However, the scenarios used in the study were constructed in a way that there is no easy way to compensate for impaired theory of mind. The researchers tested 13 ASD adults and 13 non-ASD adults on about 50 scenarios similar to the snowmobiling example above.
Those patients understand other people’s intentions, but they lack the emotional outrage that usually occurs in cases where someone tries (but fails) to harm someone else. For example, they would more easily forgive someone who offers mushrooms he believes to be poisonous to a friend, if the mushrooms turn out to be harmless.
While some ASD adults are unable to process mental-state information and understand that other people can have innocent intentions, the issue with VMPC patients is that they could understand information but did not respond emotionally to that information. Putting these two pieces together could help neuroscientists come up with a more thorough picture of how the brain constructs morality.
Previous studies have shown that theory of mind appears to be seated in a brain region called the right temporoparietal junction (TPJ). In ongoing studies, the researchers are studying whether ASD patients have irregular activity in the right TPJ while performing the moral judgment tasks used in the study.
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
COMMENTS:
• Jumpygran …I recently said to my AS husband that I didn't like the trousers he was wearing, particularly as he was wearing a shirt which clashed with the colour. He bit my head off, saying "well you bought them". Yes I did buy them but I now dislike them! He always seems to respond to such comments with a "blame", rather than a simple "Oh, why is that?", or similar. He is unable to explain why he does this ie does he feel under attack. Any other NT had this?
• Unknown…Oh yes. It is the blaming. My aspiring always has to find someone or something to blame. My husband would see saying what he chose to wear unacceptable as an attack. He can not take criticism of any kind. He either gets mad and attacks back or feels so bad about his discision(i think) and leaves the area discouraged. Whatever happens it is a lose,lose situation. I guess we can only pick our battles wisely.
• Jack …Oh yes, you're never allowed to change your mind!
• Sushin …So true! You can't change your mind, they just don't understand if you do. You loved that dress when you bought it 3 years ago, didn't you? How come you don't love it anymore? It's still the same dress! Now that I found out about A/S I can understand that my husband and I are just wired differently. So, instead of yelling at him trying to explain that I just changed my mind about it, which he never understood anyway, I smile and say: you'll never understand women, sweetheart! That makes him laugh... although he'll never understand how it is possible for me to hate something that I once loved! Things have improved a lot since I know about his condition, but some days things are still really hard. He finds me fussy, which I am not, and hard to please, which I am not either. And I have to be extremely careful about what I tell him, and how I tell him, because he often feels under attack.
• Unknown …OMG - this totally makes sense. My 17 yo son with A/S blames people ALL the time, and is always tattling on people. Now I know why the symbol for ASD is a puzzle piece... trying to understand him is like trying to put together a puzzle. It's nice to have one more piece in place.
Post your comment below…
How to Tell the Difference Between a Meltdown and an Adult Tantrum: Tips for NT Spouses
A key difference to remember is that tantrums usually have a purpose. The person who is "acting out" in the moment is looking for a certain reaction from you (e.g., to push YOUR anger button in order to piss you off). On the other hand, a meltdown is a reaction to something that short circuits the reasoning part of the brain (e.g., sensory overload, anxiety overload, unexpected and troubling change in the person's routine or structure, feeling overwhelmed by one's emotions, etc.), and has nothing to do with your response to it.
ASD is often referred to as the "invisible disorder" because of the internal struggles these individuals have without outwardly demonstrating any real noticeable symptoms (when they are calm anyway). People with this disorder struggle with a stressful problem, but “internalize” their feelings until their emotions boil over, leading to a complete meltdown. These outbursts are not a typical tantrum.
Some meltdowns are worse than others, but all leave both spouses exhausted. Unlike tantrums, meltdowns can last anywhere from ten minutes to over a day – or more. When it ends, both partners are emotionally drained. But, don’t breathe a sigh of relief yet. At the least provocation, for the remainder of that day, and sometimes into the next, the meltdown can return full force.
Meltdowns are overwhelming emotions and quite common in people on the spectrum. They can be caused by a very minor incident to something more traumatic. They last until the individual with ASD is either completely exhausted, or he gains control of his emotions (which is not easy for him to do). Most autistics have “emotional-regulation” difficulties!
Your spouse with ASD may experience both minor and major meltdowns over incidents that are part of daily life. He may have a major meltdown over something that you view as a very small incident, or he may have absolutely NO REACTION to something that you view as a very troubling incident.
When your husband is calm and relaxed, talk to him about his meltdowns. Then, tell him that sometimes he “reacts” to (i.e., is startled by) certain problems in a way that is disproportionate to the actual severity of the problem. Have him talk to you about a sign you can give him to let him know when he is starting to get revved-up. Overwhelming emotions are part of the traits associated with the disorder, but if you work with your spouse, he will eventually learn to control them somewhat (try to catch them in the “escalation phase” rather than after that bomb has already ignited).
People with ASD usually like to be left alone to cope with negative emotions. If your husband says something like, “I just want to be left alone,” respect his wishes for at least a while. You can always go back in 30 minutes and ask if you can help. Do not be hurt if he refuses.
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Problems Processing Information: The Main Reason ASD Partners Don’t Follow Through with NTs’ Requests
"Does the autistic brain have problems processing sensory and emotional information? My husband [on the autism spectrum] rarely follows through with what he originally agrees to do [or later, states he did not understand what I said, or simply does not remember the conversation at all]."
People on the spectrum often have problems processing information from one or more of their 7 sensory systems. These processes take place at an unconscious level and work together to help with attention and learning. Each system has specific receptors that pickup information that is relayed to the brain. The sensory traits of people with ASD are often responsible for their processing difficulties, negative behaviors, and unpleasant emotions.
The sensory systems are also involved in “emotional processing.” People with autism spectrum disorder vary in their ability to process information emotionally, in part because at least one other sense often doesn't work well (e.g., it would be difficult for spouse with an auditory-processing issue to figure out whether his wife’s voice suggests composure or irritation). Also, many of these individuals have a hard time using their emotions or desires to process information and act appropriately in interpersonal settings.
Processing is a system that helps people select, prepare, and begin to interpret incoming information. People with ASD who have difficulty with processing may have a range of problems related to regulating the use of incoming information.
There are five processing skills:
1. Cognitive activation is a form of “active processing” that connects new information to what has already been learned through prior knowledge and experience. People who are “inactive processors” are unable to connect to prior knowledge to assist their understanding of new information. In contrast, “overactive processors” are reminded of too much prior knowledge, making it difficult for them to maintain focus.
2. Depth and detail of processing controls how intensely people can concentrate on highly specific data. It enables them to focus deeply enough to recognize and remember necessary details. People with ASD tend to remember a lot of details that relate to their area of special interest, but may not remember much outside of that interest.
3. Focal maintenance allows the person to focus on important information for the appropriate period of time. Individuals on the spectrum may not concentrate long enough on some things, and may concentrate too long on others.
4. Saliency determination involves selecting which incoming information is the most important. People who have difficulty with this control may be distracted by things that are not relevant and miss important information being presented.
5. Satisfaction control involves a person’s ability to allocate enough attention to activities or topics of moderate or low levels of interest. People with ASD with poor satisfaction control have difficulty concentrating on activities that are outside of their special interest.
Here are some signs that your ASD husband has difficulty processing information:
The sensory systems are also involved in “emotional processing.” People with autism spectrum disorder vary in their ability to process information emotionally, in part because at least one other sense often doesn't work well (e.g., it would be difficult for spouse with an auditory-processing issue to figure out whether his wife’s voice suggests composure or irritation). Also, many of these individuals have a hard time using their emotions or desires to process information and act appropriately in interpersonal settings.
Processing is a system that helps people select, prepare, and begin to interpret incoming information. People with ASD who have difficulty with processing may have a range of problems related to regulating the use of incoming information.
There are five processing skills:
1. Cognitive activation is a form of “active processing” that connects new information to what has already been learned through prior knowledge and experience. People who are “inactive processors” are unable to connect to prior knowledge to assist their understanding of new information. In contrast, “overactive processors” are reminded of too much prior knowledge, making it difficult for them to maintain focus.
2. Depth and detail of processing controls how intensely people can concentrate on highly specific data. It enables them to focus deeply enough to recognize and remember necessary details. People with ASD tend to remember a lot of details that relate to their area of special interest, but may not remember much outside of that interest.
3. Focal maintenance allows the person to focus on important information for the appropriate period of time. Individuals on the spectrum may not concentrate long enough on some things, and may concentrate too long on others.
4. Saliency determination involves selecting which incoming information is the most important. People who have difficulty with this control may be distracted by things that are not relevant and miss important information being presented.
5. Satisfaction control involves a person’s ability to allocate enough attention to activities or topics of moderate or low levels of interest. People with ASD with poor satisfaction control have difficulty concentrating on activities that are outside of their special interest.
Here are some signs that your ASD husband has difficulty processing information:
- tries to understand the meaning of each word you are saying rather than being able to automatically understand the whole gist and general meaning of your sentence
- processes too little or too much information
- processes one word that you say, but then thinks of something completely unrelated to what you are saying
- only pays attention to exciting information or highly stimulating activities
- misses a lot of things that are obvious to you
- may have to repeat himself several times before you understand what he is saying
- has trouble picking up the main ideas in conversations with you
- has problems shifting focus from one subject or activity to another
- has difficulty connecting new information with information already known
- has an idea of what he wants to say in his mind, but when he attempts to share the idea, it doesn’t come out right
- focuses too superficially or too deeply on information you present
- focuses too long on just one detail
- focuses too briefly on important aspects of the conversation
- can't distinguish between what is important to you - and what isn't
Resources for couples affected by ASD:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Renee's Story
I would like to talk about the most important aspect in the process towards recovery from depression due to having a partner with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). This depression is called Cassandra syndrome.
When a partner has ASD, the other partner often becomes depressed due to the inability to form an emotional bond. Since I learned about my husband's ASD, I have read a lot of books to improve our relationship. Every book I read had similar content in the end - and I was desperately trying to follow the same advice exactly, but it did not work.
I thought I was not putting in enough effort, so I tried even harder, but it was impossible. The problem was that I was looking at the wrong person. I had to first look inside me rather than him. I thought that every issue we were having was because of his ASD symptoms. I also had a strong “victim complex,” so I thought that if he did not change, our relationship would not improve.
Neurotypical (NT) partners tend to become caregivers of their ASD partners. Over time, these NTs can get tired. Often, they feel like the partner with ASD doesn't really comprehend the amount of work they are putting in to helping them with their anxiety, depression, or managing other comorbid conditions.
The partner with ASD can feel wronged when the NT stops giving the support that she once did. The situation, over time, can become very drastic with the NT feeling more exhausted and like she is unable to continue in the care-taking role.
If the NT doesn't keep it up, then when “NT therapists” come into the equation, they often recommend that the NT starts taking better care of the spouse with autism. Again, this doesn't always work because, by the time the couple gets to the mental health professionals, the NT is too tired to keep going. Oftentimes, she has done more than her fair share for many years.
Now, with the new awareness of neuro-diverse marriages, she comes to an awareness that she has been in a relationship that requires mixed neurological communication.
During the online counseling sessions I was having at the time, Mark Hutten often asked about my self-talk. That is when I started to think deeply about myself. Why do I want to change him? Why can't I feel happy with him, and why did I become interested and marry him in the first place?
Of course, I knew he had his own weaknesses. He had to improve for our marriage to work. However, I also realized that I had to address personal weaknesses that I had in my heart before I met him. Then, little by little - and over a long period of time - I unwound the threads that were entwined in my heart.
The most important aspect of recovering from Cassandra syndrome is to know yourself. If you try to understand someone else without first knowing yourself, you will want to change the other person - and it will not work.
I am the only person who can improve myself by being aware of my motivations inside that also apply to the other person. I do not have to carry my husband’s burden, and there is no need for him to carry mine.
~ Renee S.
More resources:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said…Alexithymia is difficulty in recognizing and labeling emotional states in yourself, but I tend to use it to stretch it to physical states in yourself also, because I feel like a something that often happens. Will you know you'll make a weird face for a long time and not know you're, making a weird face, and that's you know a lack of self-awareness.
• Anonymous said…An autistic person, a forest is a collection of trees and either it won't occur to them that there is such a thing as a forest or, if you're explaining it to them, it still is just a collection of trees. This is one reason why autistic people are famously bad at summarizing things or being concise, because autistic people process and explain in units of detail instead of in a big-picture way. This is a good thing when it comes to learning complex information, or you know, dealing with a kid who's asking why, over and over again I'll always have an answer ready, because I can break things down small forever. It'S a bad thing. If you know you're telling a joke from memory or you're trying to give directions to somebody, but I like that something Temple Grandin sometimes says, is that she believes this is why autistic people have such a natural capacity for expertise that she says.
• Anonymous said…I've encountered a lot of autistic people who describe themselves as emotional sponges, and this is you know, I think the reason why so many autistic people respond to emotionally charged situations by shutting down. You know if you're yelling at your spouse and they're shutting down it's not because they don't care it's because you know they're an emotional sponge.
• Anonymous said…I feel that a lot of the disabling aspects of autism, especially in situations where you have someone you know, can pass for normal, but still struggles, our environment expectations. Things like this that can be connected to these traits things that aren't as much of a problem when it's two autistic people talking but can become a huge blow up when someone involved isn't autistic.
• Anonymous said…I feel that all too often, the burden of relationships in our diverse couples is placed on the autistic person to understand the world to adapt and communicate better, whereas really like Kristen David Finch, we're talking about it's about coming together and understanding each other. non-autistic people have just as much trouble empathizing with autistic people as autistic people do empathizing with non-autistic people.
• Anonymous said…I personally worked really hard since my diagnosis to compensate for these types of empathy deficits, I've learned to continually check in with myself and overcome my self-awareness problems with emotion, and I try to analyze and check in on The people around me and watch if there's something I should be picking up on and I have gotten a lot more empathetic. At least you know using that rote memory conscious manual transmission, brain to empathize with people, but I still have a really hard time correctly.
• Anonymous said…Sensory issues can cause a lot of tension in relationships because they're so hard to understand from the outside that you know they're not constant for one and they can cause a sense of flux in you know your sensitivity to something in your functionality, so something that's not Necessarily, a problem might be an overwhelming problem, the next day or whenever. So this is something that can be hard for ASD people to empathize with, say you know in relationships with neurotypicals I've had this would be very confusing for them that I'm a very talkative person and if I'm really tired and overwhelmed, I won't be able to talk As effectively or I won't be able to talk at all so like once.
• Anonymous said…So, as a child, I assumed that relationships were something that just happened: pop culture cartoons and such taught me that you know you have two main characters: they'll eventually end up together. Somehow that romance to me was a product of proximity. I believed that you know you encounter your complementary character, foil and exists near them until they fall in love with you, and then you live happily ever after with no effort forever.
• Anonymous said…The burden to communicate correctly is often placed only on autistic people, and I feel this isn't accurate or helpful, and really I feel that neurologically mixed relationships, romantic or otherwise - can be compared to two conflicting cultures trying to interact. So you know, while this stuff is hard in relationships between two autistic people, it can sometimes be even harder when only one is autistic because of this culture clash aspect, it's important for non-autistic people in the autism community to understand that we live in a neurotypical culture. Our dominant society is neurotypical as the normal, and so you know that's where you know we teach autistic people to adapt to our neurotypical culture.
• Anonymous said…To autistic people won't often notice that they have social problems or sensory problems because of this lack of self-awareness, alexithymia, I didn't know. I had sensory problems that were different from normal until I started researching autism like I always knew that I was really sensitive to lights and you know my friends turn up the radio to loud. I would like jump and be in pain, but I didn't know that that was abnormal.
• Anonymous said…We all know inherently that autism effects relationships. Autistic people often have to work harder than non-autistic people to navigate social situations, social relationships and romantic relationships. I'Ve found, though, that autistic people can learn to do things that come naturally to not autistic people through rote memory and effort, though it takes self-awareness and that level of work, though, I also want to say that autistics aren't the only ones with problems in relationships, and It takes to to communicate and to to have a communication problem.
* Anonymous said... I'm totally convinced that I'm suffering from Casandra's Syndrome. I'm really devastated, and I have started therapy in order to cope with my feelings. I feel isolation evwn when I'm with my partner. No one knows he's Asperger, just me. I've been dating him from 6 years and we have also moved together. I love him very much, but I just can't avoid feeling lonely and detached from my family and other people, since it is uncomfortable to me to meet and socialize with others when I'm with my partner. He's so "shy" and I'm always aware of him, is he ok? Is he having a good time? The worst of all is that find it extremely difficult to tell the way I feel to others because I have to explain a lot of things and it's tiring....I don't know what to do.. I don't want to hurt him by making him feel that I'm not truly happy by his side, just because I can't find the way to really bond with him.
Adults on the Autism Spectrum and Problems with Impulsivity
“My husband with ASD is very impulsive. It is one of the main areas we struggle with. Is this part of the disorder? He will jump into something rather than thinking things through, blurt out thoughts without tempering them, forget important events, get distracted when I’m trying to talk to him, and neglect to follow through with promises.”
ASD is often characterized by a lack of impulse control. People on the autism spectrum are sometimes labeled unmanageable or aggressive because of their impulsivity (e.g., they may act on a whim, display behavior characterized by little - or no - forethought/reflection/consideration of the consequences).
Even though adults on the spectrum can be caring and sensitive, their good qualities are often overshadowed by their lack of impulse control (i.e., their ability to "self-regulate" is compromised).
The inability to self-regulate is often a contributing factor to relationship problems. For example:
- the ASD partner will often focus on things that interest him, but not on you (the NT wife)
- he may not follow through on what he agrees to do
- he may often act like a child instead of an adult
- you may nag him, and start to dislike the person you’ve become as a result
- the two of you either fight or clam up
- you may be stressed about being stuck with the household tasks while he gets to have all the “down-time”
- the ASD partner may feel that his NT spouse has become a “nagging monster”
- he may view you (the NT) as a control freak, trying to manage all the details of his life
- he may think that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t meet your expectations
- he may think that the easiest way to deal with you is to leave you alone
==> Click here for more information on how the ASD brain is wired…
Weak Central Coherence in Autism Spectrum Disorder
“How can my spouse [with ASD] give me the impression that he’s listening to me, yet after the conversation, it’s clear to me that he didn’t understand what I was saying, because he doesn’t follow through with what I had asked him to do - and doesn’t even remember what I asked?”
Answer:
One of reasons this “lack of understanding” occurs has to do with “weak central coherence.” People on the autism spectrum have difficulty seeing the “big picture” – and this causes a problem when the listener is trying to process ALL of the information, in this case from you, his NT wife. NT wives often verbalize more information than the ASD husband can absorb in one sitting.
An inability to see the bigger picture refers to the detailed-focused processing style that is characteristic of the autistic brain. For example, when your husband on the spectrum is trying to recall information that you gave him in a conversation, he may not recall the gist of something (e.g., how are your thoughts are tied to your feelings, which then influence your behavior).
It’s very common for people on the autism spectrum to become fixated and overly-focused on a particular detail to the exclusion of most other details. This often impacts their understanding of the actual meaning of a situation or context (i.e., the individual gets stuck on a minute detail rather than pulling together different sources of information and grasping the entire situation).
When someone who can see the bigger picture looks at an endless row of trees, that person would see “the forest.” But an individual with weak central coherence can only see a lot of individual trees (or he may hyper-focus on the soil that the trees are planted in).
Traits of weak central coherence include:
- dislike for disruption to an established routine
- strong need for structure
- ability to hyper-focus on one activity for lengthy periods of time
- attention to parts of objects
- difficulty with sudden change
- insistence on sameness
- uneven cognitive profile (including savant skills)
On a positive note, the ability to focus on details can also be a strength, as evidenced by individuals with ASD who show remarkable ability in subjects such as mathematics, computer science and engineering.
More resources:
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning AutismWhy Your Spouse with ASD is Afraid of You
Your spouse on the autism spectrum may be afraid to discuss relationship difficulties with you. Why?
As you know, high-functioning autism is a “developmental” disorder, which means that developmentally, your spouse on the spectrum has a social-emotional brain that is under-developed.
In other words, he is low in the social and emotional intelligence. This also means that his social and emotional needs are significantly lower than his NT wife’s needs.
So, when she wants to discuss relationship issues with her ASD spouse, she is, of course, going to be using her highly developed social and emotional intelligence as she tries to make her points.
However, the ASD husband is listening with a highly logical brain that is also low in social and emotional competency. Therefore, he is not “tracking” her important message. It’s like she is very fluent in German, but he just speaks a tiny bit of German. So, as she is talking, he’s only understanding and retaining about 10% of the total information – and he knows it!
The typical partner on the autism spectrum knows that he is not fully understanding what his NT wife is thinking and feeling – and this makes him feel stupid. The NT wife eventually realizes that her husband does not “get it.”
However, the ASD husband is listening with a highly logical brain that is also low in social and emotional competency. Therefore, he is not “tracking” her important message. It’s like she is very fluent in German, but he just speaks a tiny bit of German. So, as she is talking, he’s only understanding and retaining about 10% of the total information – and he knows it!
The typical partner on the autism spectrum knows that he is not fully understanding what his NT wife is thinking and feeling – and this makes him feel stupid. The NT wife eventually realizes that her husband does not “get it.”
She feels as though she has wasted her time and energy in trying to make him understand what she needs. So, she understandably complains that he doesn’t “get it” - and may even accuse him of “not caring” and/or “not listening.”
This complaint downloads in the autistic brain as criticism, disrespect and ridicule. This is why the man with ASD hates having difficult conversations with his wife. Now he feels stupid AND chastised. He thinks, “I don’t understand what she is saying or feeling, which makes me feel dumb, and then I get in trouble for being dumb.”
So, you can see why difficult conversations about relationship problems would be something he dreads. And when she says something along the lines of “WE NEED TO TALK” - his anxiety instantly increases as he forecasts yet another bad outcome [i.e., a heated argument that yields no solution].
This complaint downloads in the autistic brain as criticism, disrespect and ridicule. This is why the man with ASD hates having difficult conversations with his wife. Now he feels stupid AND chastised. He thinks, “I don’t understand what she is saying or feeling, which makes me feel dumb, and then I get in trouble for being dumb.”
So, you can see why difficult conversations about relationship problems would be something he dreads. And when she says something along the lines of “WE NEED TO TALK” - his anxiety instantly increases as he forecasts yet another bad outcome [i.e., a heated argument that yields no solution].
Many men on the autism spectrum have reported that they are afraid of their NT wife. They know that when there has to be a discussion on relationship problems, they are not going to grasp her perspective very well, and they also know they’re going to be in trouble for not being able to grasp it.
Thus, most often, the ASD man will try to avoid these difficult conversations - and if that’s not possible, he will hurry up and agree to whatever she says purely to get the conversation over with as soon as possible, which instantly reduces his fear and associated anxiety.
Thus, most often, the ASD man will try to avoid these difficult conversations - and if that’s not possible, he will hurry up and agree to whatever she says purely to get the conversation over with as soon as possible, which instantly reduces his fear and associated anxiety.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
The NT's Pleading, Arguing and Lecturing Downloads As "Punitive Measures" in the ASD Brain
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
ASD Men's-Only Group Therapy: Help for Husbands Experiencing Chronic Marital Discord
Are you a man on the autism spectrum married to a neurotypical (NT) wife? And have you been in the “doghouse” for a very-very-very long time? If so, you really should read this:
How many times have you said the following things to yourself?
How many times have you said the following things to yourself?
- “My wife seems to harbor so much resentment.”
- “She has been unhappy with me for many years now.”
- “It doesn’t matter what I say or do, it’s never good enough.”
- “She complains that she’s both mentally and physically sick because of how I ‘treat’ her.”
- “She thinks I need to be ‘fixed’, or our relationship will continue to deteriorate.”
- “She has mentioned separation and divorce several times.”
- “She has become my #1 source of anxiety, which contributes to me either shutting down or melting down!”
- “No matter how hard I try, she’s always disappointed in me.”
- “She frequently complains that I don’t show empathy or affection.”
Guys: What if I told you that I can help you come up with some strategies that will actually meet many of her needs and wants - perhaps for the first time?
Well, I’m telling you that - right now!
No, I don’t work miracles. But I have worked with people on the autism spectrum for several decades now, and am pretty good at helping them cultivate social skills and increase emotional competences.
The autistic brain is low in both social and emotional intelligence. And you’re married to a wife who is really high in both of those areas! So, you can see why there is such disagreement and conflict. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Your disorder is not your fault. But it is also not an excuse to avoid working smart (not hard) on salvaging your marriage.
I have an “ASD men’s-only” group that will take a deep dive into some highly effective communication and relationship strategies. These will reduce your relationship-stress, while at the same time, give you some concrete methods to meet your wife’s emotional needs.
==> How many times has your wife accused you of being uncaring, insensitive, selfish - and even narcissistic?
==> Does she view your empathy-level as being SO LOW that she wonders if you are a sociopath?
==> Are there times when you can’t wait to get out of the house and go to work just to get away from her?
You know change needs to happen. Your self-esteem is probably already in the toilet at this point. You’re tired of living this way – and so is she. Arguing and defending doesn’t accomplish anything, and just drives a wedge even deeper between the two of you.
Don’t let your anxiety hold you back from resolving the marriage conflict that has robbed you and your wife of the peace, joy and prosperity that you both deserve. Take action RIGHT NOW!
I look forward to working with you in the next therapy group,
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> Register Here <==
Traits You May Witness When Your ASD Spouse Is Super-Smart but Lacks “Social Common Sense"
Many extra-intelligent people with Asperger’s and high-functioning autism have high levels of technical ability, but are seen by others as having rather forgetful and odd behaviors outside the realm of their professional expertise.
It has been observed that high IQ types on the autism spectrum are often lacking in common sense – especially when it comes to dealing with other human beings.
Traits you may witness in your ASD partner:
Strengths: Thinks critically; has high expectancies; is self-critical and evaluates others.
Possible Problems: Critical or intolerant toward others; may become discouraged or depressed; perfectionist.
Strengths: Large vocabulary and facile verbal proficiency; broad information in advanced areas.
Possible Problems: May use words to escape or avoid situations; becomes bored easily; seen by others as a "know it all."
Strengths: Intense concentration; long attention span in areas of interest; goal-directed behavior; persistence.
Possible Problems: Resists interruption; neglects duties or people during period of focused interests; stubbornness.
Strengths: Inquisitive attitude, intellectual curiosity; intrinsic motivation; searching for significance.
Possible Problems: Asks embarrassing questions; strong-willed; resists direction; seems excessive in interests; expects same of others.
Strengths: Independent; prefers individualized work; reliant on self.
Possible Problems: May reject others’ input; non-conformity; may be unconventional.
Strengths: High energy, alertness, eagerness; periods of intense efforts.
Possible Problems: Frustration with inactivity; eagerness may disrupt others' schedules; needs continual stimulation; may be seen as hyperactive.
Strengths: Enjoys organizing things and people into structure and order; seeks to systematize.
Possible Problems: Constructs complicated rules or systems; may be seen as bossy, rude, or domineering.
Strengths: Ability to conceptualize, abstract, synthesize; enjoys problem-solving and intellectual activity.
Possible Problems: Rejects or omits details; resists practice or drill; questions others' instructions/directives.
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
When You Want to "Talk" and Your Spouse with ASD Wants to Leave
“My husband with Asperger syndrome was so affectionate and loving in the first few years of our marriage. But over the years he has drifted away from where we started. I still love this man, but now I find that most days I feel so alone in my own house. We live like college roommates at this point, we just coexist with no real exchange of intimacy. When I try to talk to him, he just leaves – walks out, and that’s the end of it. PERIOD! Is this common for a man with Asperger syndrome? Could he be cheating on me? Do they just fall out of love as their spouse ages? Do they change their mind about their commitment level when children enter the picture? I have so many questions I don’t know where to begin.”It’s such a paradox when the neurotypical wife gets to the point where she has numerous unresolved issues that relate to her ASD husband that she feels compelled (for good reason) to complain loudly and angrily in a desperate attempt to simply get her point across and to get him connected to her - and to be a team player in the relationship!
There was a “team spirit” back in the day in the early going of the relationship, but through the years, the team spirit got lost. Now it’s like, “I’m here, and you are over there. What happened to ‘us’?”
But here is where it becomes a paradox: The more she expresses emotion, especially troubling emotions, and gets loud, assertive - and even aggressive and demanding, the more he shuts down and withdraws both cognitively and emotionally. This, in turn, exacerbates the problem and extends the period of time that any resolve to the relationship problems can occur.
The wife, by nature, is the nurturer and wants the relationship to grow and deepen with increasing intimacy and bonding over time. The ASD husband, who is not as interested in a deeper social and emotional connection due to his developmental disorder, and whose social-emotional brain is less developed compared to his logical brain, often finds that “going deeper” into the relationship requires skills that he does not have.
I hear this phrase so often from these men: “I really try to make her happy, but it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’m always in trouble with her.” This mind-set creates a negative cycle that looks similar to this:
Of course, this cycle results in the neurotypical wife feeling unloved and abandoned, which then increases her sense of desperation - and an even stronger drive to reestablish the connection and bond with her husband. And it’s at this point the cycle just starts all over again.
So now the question becomes, “What can be done?”
In working with couples over the years, I’m finding that there is no “magic bullet” when the division between the two parties has reached this level of severity. However, a good “first start” in healing the relationship involves teaching the husband on the spectrum some simple social skills, as well as devising a tailored communication strategy for the couple that is (a) sensitive to the ASD husband’s anxiety, and (b) sensitive to the NT wife’s need for emotional reciprocity.
But here is where it becomes a paradox: The more she expresses emotion, especially troubling emotions, and gets loud, assertive - and even aggressive and demanding, the more he shuts down and withdraws both cognitively and emotionally. This, in turn, exacerbates the problem and extends the period of time that any resolve to the relationship problems can occur.
The wife, by nature, is the nurturer and wants the relationship to grow and deepen with increasing intimacy and bonding over time. The ASD husband, who is not as interested in a deeper social and emotional connection due to his developmental disorder, and whose social-emotional brain is less developed compared to his logical brain, often finds that “going deeper” into the relationship requires skills that he does not have.
I hear this phrase so often from these men: “I really try to make her happy, but it doesn’t matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’m always in trouble with her.” This mind-set creates a negative cycle that looks similar to this:
- he feels like he is always in the doghouse
- this causes him to feel highly unsafe in the relationship
- this in turn raises his anxiety
- which then increases his search for anxiety-reduction techniques
- and unfortunately, the techniques include disconnection, detachment, and often isolation; in many cases, his wife has become his major source of stress
Of course, this cycle results in the neurotypical wife feeling unloved and abandoned, which then increases her sense of desperation - and an even stronger drive to reestablish the connection and bond with her husband. And it’s at this point the cycle just starts all over again.
So now the question becomes, “What can be done?”
In working with couples over the years, I’m finding that there is no “magic bullet” when the division between the two parties has reached this level of severity. However, a good “first start” in healing the relationship involves teaching the husband on the spectrum some simple social skills, as well as devising a tailored communication strategy for the couple that is (a) sensitive to the ASD husband’s anxiety, and (b) sensitive to the NT wife’s need for emotional reciprocity.
Every couple is unique though, and as such, there is no “one-size-fits-all” when it comes to creating an effective communication style or problem-solving method.
Examples of some simple, yet super effective social skills that can be taught include:
Examples of some simple, yet super effective social skills that can be taught include:
- The art of paraphrasing what was heard
- Reflective listening
- Non-verbal communication
- Learning how to pay attention to body language
- Identifying and replacing negative thoughts and self-talk
- Assertiveness
- Asking open-ended questions
- and other general conversation skills …just to name a few.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
Chronic, Invasive Thinking-Patterns in People on the Autism Spectrum
☹️==> Audio Clip: Chronic, Invasive Thinking-Patterns in People on the Autism Spectrum
What I hear from a lot from clients with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: "I just want the thoughts to stop!"
In working with clients on the autism spectrum, what I see pretty much 100% of the time is the individual’s tendency to chronically get lost in thought - usually stressful thoughts. The autistic brain is very rarely paying attention to what’s going on in the present moment.
Oftentimes, they are either (a) ruminating about a past stressful event, or (b) worrying about the potentiality of a future stressful event, or (c) they are experiencing stress in the present moment - the event that’s occurring now.
In working with clients on the autism spectrum, what I see pretty much 100% of the time is the individual’s tendency to chronically get lost in thought - usually stressful thoughts. The autistic brain is very rarely paying attention to what’s going on in the present moment.Oftentimes, they are either (a) ruminating about a past stressful event, or (b) worrying about the potentiality of a future stressful event, or (c) they are experiencing stress in the present moment - the event that’s occurring now.
The only reprieve they get from being lost in this rabbit hole of random stressful thinking is to get lost mentally in their special interest. They are rarely at peace in the present moment unless the present moment involves their mental engagement with a preferred activity.
We all have random unwanted thoughts that show up in our head without permission - automatic thoughts. But, I have a ton of anecdotal evidence that the autistic brain seems to run on auto-pilot without the user’s permission pretty much 24 seven.
We all have random unwanted thoughts that show up in our head without permission - automatic thoughts. But, I have a ton of anecdotal evidence that the autistic brain seems to run on auto-pilot without the user’s permission pretty much 24 seven.
We don’t have to beat our heart, it beats without us putting forth any effort. In the same way, the autistic brain thinks without the individual putting any effort toward the thinking. In other words, the autistic individual is no longer in charge of his thoughts, rather his thoughts are in charge of him. He is literally a prisoner of chronic intrusive thinking patterns.
This translates to chronic anxiety to one degree or another, which in turn leads to the strong need to reduce the anxiety, which usually comes in the form of distraction through the use of a preferred activity or thought stream.
==> More talking points from Mark Hutten, M.A. -- Relationships Affected by AS and HFA
==> More talking points from Mark Hutten, M.A. -- Relationships Affected by AS and HFA
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
The Overly-Developed Logical Brain in High-Functioning Autism and Asperger's
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
Why Your Partner with ASD Has to Make You “Wrong”
Does your AS or HFA partner always have to be right?
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| CLICK TO ENLARGE |
==> Click here to learn more about your AS or HFA partner's logical brain...
=> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
=> Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
Why Your Husband with ASD is So Inflexible
“Mark - my husband is the most inflexible person I have ever dealt with in the entire life. When his mind is made up, he is immoveable and totally closed to other suggestions on how to deal with issues (e.g., our kids, financial things that come up, chores that need to be done around the house, just to name a few). So, my question is: is this part of his aspergers, and why is he so closed to alternative ideas?”
Yes… it’s part of the disorder. And, there are several important reasons why people with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism are “inflexible” (to use your term). We call this “cognitive rigidity”:
Brain Dysregulation—
The brains of people on the spectrum are structurally normal, but “dysregulated” (i.e., there is an impaired regulation of a bundle of neurons in the brain stem that processes sensory signals from various areas of the body).
Cortisol Deficit—
Cortisol is a key factor in understanding Asperger’s (ASD level 1). It is one of several stress hormones that acts similar to a red alert that is triggered by stressful circumstances, which helps the person to react quickly to changes. In neurotypical (non-Asperger's) people, there is a two-fold increase in levels of cortisol within 30 minutes of waking up – and levels gradually declining during the day as part of the internal body clock.
Yes… it’s part of the disorder. And, there are several important reasons why people with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism are “inflexible” (to use your term). We call this “cognitive rigidity”:Brain Dysregulation—
The brains of people on the spectrum are structurally normal, but “dysregulated” (i.e., there is an impaired regulation of a bundle of neurons in the brain stem that processes sensory signals from various areas of the body).
Cortisol Deficit—
Cortisol is a key factor in understanding Asperger’s (ASD level 1). It is one of several stress hormones that acts similar to a red alert that is triggered by stressful circumstances, which helps the person to react quickly to changes. In neurotypical (non-Asperger's) people, there is a two-fold increase in levels of cortisol within 30 minutes of waking up – and levels gradually declining during the day as part of the internal body clock.
People with Asperger’s don’t have this peak first thing in the morning, which is highly significant in explaining why people with Asperger’s are less able to react and cope with unexpected change (throughout the day, but especially in the morning).
They don’t adjust normally to the challenge of a new environment on waking, which may affect the way they subsequently engage with the world around them. By viewing your husband’s symptoms as a “stress response” rather than stubbornness may help you develop a few techniques for avoiding circumstances contribute to his anxiety.
Executive Dysfunction (more information here)—
This deals with impulse control, inhibition, mental flexibility, planning, the initiation/monitoring of action, and working memory. This explains some of the symptoms of Asperger’s (e.g., poor social interaction due to a defect in cognitive shifting, repetitive and restricted behavior).
Theory of Mind Deficit (more information here)—
Theory of mind is the intuitive understanding of one’s mental state -- and the mental state of others (i.e., emotions, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, knowledge, intentions and desires – and of how those mental states influence behavior). Your husband most likely has great difficulty understanding others thoughts, feelings, and motivations, which is the core cognitive deficit.
Weak Central Coherence—
This is the inability to understand the context of a situation or to see the big picture. This explains common behaviors found Asperger’s (e.g., repetitiveness, focusing on parts of objects, persistence in behaviors related to details, etc.).
I hope that makes sense. Thanks for the question.
~ Mark
They don’t adjust normally to the challenge of a new environment on waking, which may affect the way they subsequently engage with the world around them. By viewing your husband’s symptoms as a “stress response” rather than stubbornness may help you develop a few techniques for avoiding circumstances contribute to his anxiety.
Executive Dysfunction (more information here)—
This deals with impulse control, inhibition, mental flexibility, planning, the initiation/monitoring of action, and working memory. This explains some of the symptoms of Asperger’s (e.g., poor social interaction due to a defect in cognitive shifting, repetitive and restricted behavior).
Theory of Mind Deficit (more information here)—
Theory of mind is the intuitive understanding of one’s mental state -- and the mental state of others (i.e., emotions, thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, knowledge, intentions and desires – and of how those mental states influence behavior). Your husband most likely has great difficulty understanding others thoughts, feelings, and motivations, which is the core cognitive deficit.
Weak Central Coherence—
This is the inability to understand the context of a situation or to see the big picture. This explains common behaviors found Asperger’s (e.g., repetitiveness, focusing on parts of objects, persistence in behaviors related to details, etc.).
I hope that makes sense. Thanks for the question.
~ Mark
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
Understanding Your “Immature” ASD Partner: Tips for NTs
"I've been married to my husband [high functioning autistic] going on 5 years, and honestly I feel like I'm raising a teenager. Anyone else feel this way? Is this just another symptom of ASD? I'm trying to understand him better :( "
So, you’re in a relationship with someone who has Asperger syndrome (AS) or high-functioning autism (HFA). You understand that this is a “developmental” disorder, right? In other words, this person is emotionally lagging behind his or her chronological age. For example, he/she may be 35 years old, but their emotional age is more like an 18-year-old.
In the fullest sense of the phrase, their social/emotional brain is under-developed, and will pretty much stay that way - to one degree or another - their entire life.
Understanding Your “Immature” Partner with ASD—
1. Immature simply means “not fully developed.” By nature, your AS or HFA partner may not understand how to respond to typical social situations. He/she is most likely NOT trying to be difficult, however.
2. Due to this immaturity-factor, your partner may come off as inconsiderate, unable to accept blame for his/her relationship mistakes.
3. Emotionally immature individuals are often manipulative and controlling, and they do so as a way to cope with their anxiety (i.e., they hate change, so they feel a strong need to control the situation). Most people on the autism spectrum are “high-anxiety,” which can trigger emotionally immature reactions (i.e., “age regression”), and this can blur the lines between adult and childish emotions.
4. Unfortunately, it may be particularly difficult for an emotionally immature person to realize she needs to change, because a hallmark of immaturity is blaming others for her struggles.
5. An AS or HFA partner who is emotionally immature may often:
- act out his emotions (e.g., explosive anger, sudden crying, etc.)
- appear to always be justifying his actions to himself and others
- be manipulative
- motivated by fear or a feeling that he "has to do something"
- be reactive
- overly-concerned with self-protection
- feel the need to avoid failure, discomfort, and rejection
- see himself as a victim
6. People with AS and HFA who are emotionally immature:
- feel that they can’t change their situation or improve their life
- find it difficult to cope with their emotions
- may not have learned how to face and handle difficult emotions
- often act-out from a place of fear, feeling that they must protect themselves from uncomfortable emotions
- often experience “learned helplessness” (see video below - and share with your Aspie)
While you may be tempted to respond to your AS or HFA partner immaturely as well, giving them a taste of their own medicine, this will backfire in a big way. It’s risky to egg-on an immature partner who is often on the edge of having a meltdown – or shutdown – anyway.
Use your social support network. Find a friend, family member, therapist, or any one else who will provide moral support (and advice if desired) during “the tough times.”
P.S. Resentment on the part of the NT partner is not uncommon in situations such as this. So, don't beat up on yourself if this is the case with you.
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...
Dealing with Your Aspergers Husband: Tips for Spouses
“I am married to a man with
Aspergers. I must say this has been the biggest challenge in my entire life.
Although I do love my husband dearly, I am finding myself slipping into
feelings of resentment quite often. What advice would you have for a couple
that is experiencing marital problems due to the fact that one partner’s brain
is wired differently?”
Here are some facts about adults with Aspergers and
High-Functioning Autism that neurotypical (non-Aspergers) spouses need to
understand:
- A person with Aspergers has challenges understanding or predicting the consequences of his/her behavior on others. Therefore, the Aspergers spouse may see the neurotypical spouse as irrational or illogical.
- Aspergers adults, because they have a hard time separating boundaries at times, may hear criticism of a family member (e.g., father, mother, sibling) as a criticism of them, and they likely will not be willing to tolerate it.
- Aspergers men in particular may find conflict almost intolerable. They may hear a difference of opinion or an attempt to explain a different perspective about a situation as conflict or a criticism of who they are.
- Neurotypical women especially tend to want their spouse to understand them and their feelings. However, they need to realize that this is something they may not be able to get from their Aspergers spouse. Some change may be possible, but the neurotypical spouse may need to adjust his/her expectation, and find other places for support without being unrealistic about what they expect from their Aspergers spouse.
- The most basic elements of speaking and hearing are the most important issues that the Aspergers-Neurotypical couples may have. Aspies often have a very difficult time hearing negative emotions expressed by their spouse. They may refuse to communicate, but then end up lashing-out in a very hurtful way later on.
So what can Aspergers-Neurotypical partners do to maintain their relationship. Here are some important tips:
- Both spouses must make a serious commitment to making the relationship work. However, the neurotypical partner is going to have to understand that it will feel to them that they are the party making more accommodations. Even if the Aspie accepts and understands their diagnosis, the truth is that your brains are wired differently. As a neurotypical partner, you will need to shift from "what is wrong" about your spouse and the relationship, to "what is right." You will need to build on the strengths, and value the differences, versus seeing your spouse as insensitive and uncaring.
- Both spouses need to have an in-depth understanding of Aspergers and how marital relationships are affected.
- Conflict is normal, even healthy. Differences between you mean that there are things you can learn from each other. Often conflict shows us where we can or need to grow.
- Couples often derail a resolution when they try to acknowledge the other spouse's position, but then add a "but" in their next breath and reaffirm their position (e.g., “I can understand why you didn't pick up the dishes in the family room, but why do you think I'm the maid?”).
- Defending yourself, whether by vehemently protesting your innocence or rightness or by turning the tables and attacking, escalates the fight. Instead of upping the ante, ask for more information, details, and examples. There is usually some basis for the other person’s complaint. When you meet a complaint with curiosity, you make room for understanding.
- Develop the self-discipline to set limits on your anger and your behavior. If either of you resort to physical force and violence in your relationship, seek professional help. Acting out your anger in aggressive ways violates the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Each of us has a right to be safe and free of abuse or physical danger in our relationships.
- Fighting ends when cooperation begins. Asking politely for suggestions or alternatives invites collaboration. Careful consideration of options shows respect. Offering alternatives of your own shows that you also are willing to try something new.
- For both “neurotypicals” and “Aspies”: Become students of each other's culture. Pretend that you are learning a new language from a new country. If you are an Aspie, remember that, in many ways, your spouse is from another planet, the neurotypical planet. And if you are a neurotypical, remember that your Aspergers spouse is from the Aspergers planet. Celebrate the diversity and the differences.
- For the Aspergers partner, reconsider your perception of your spouse and of yourself. Consider that, because of the differences in the way your brain works, a lot of what your spouse is telling you about your role in problems is probably right.
- For the neurotypical partner, shift your focus from what you are not getting from your Aspergers spouse to see and value the strengths he or she brings to the relationship.
- Forget that adage about always resolving anger before going to bed -- and let someone sleep on the couch. Going to bed angry is often the best choice. It allows spouses to clear their thoughts, get some sleep, and make a date to resume the fight (which might seem less important in the light of day).
- Friendly fighting sticks with the issue. Neither party resorts to name calling or character assassination. It’s enough to deal with the problem without adding the new problem of hurting each other’s feelings.
- Global statements that include the words “always” and “never” almost always get you nowhere and never are true. When your spouse has complaints, ask to move from global comments of exasperation to specific examples so you can understand exactly what he/she is talking about. When you have complaints, do your best to give your spouse examples to work with.
- In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your spouse’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.
- It is best if the diagnosis of Aspergers is made and accepted by the Aspergers spouse. One of the best things that can happen is for the couple to seek help from a therapist or marriage coach who understands the unique differences between Aspies and neurotypicals. If the therapist does not understand the unique differences, all that will happen is the couple going back and forth, arguing for their own view of the situation. And the Aspie will have a hard time understanding his/her impact on the neurotypical.
- It’s pointless to blame each other. Blaming your partner distracts you from solving the problem at hand. It invites your partner to be defensive, and it escalates the argument.
- Putting your spouse down or criticizing your spouse’s character shows disrespect for his/her dignity. In sports there are many rules that prevent one player from intentionally injuring another. In marriage and relationships, similar rules must apply. When you intentionally injure your spouse, it’s like saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself or to win.”
- Small concessions can turn the situation around. If you give a little, it makes room for the other person to make concessions too. Small concessions lead to larger compromises. Compromise doesn’t have to mean that you’re meeting each other exactly 50-50. Sometimes it’s a 60-40 or even 80-20 agreement. This isn’t about score-keeping. It’s about finding a solution that is workable for both of you.
- Stay in the present and resist the temptation to use the situation as an occasion to bring up other issues from the past. It’s discouraging to keep bringing up the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change today. You can look forward to a better future. Try to keep your focus on what can be done today to resolve the issue at hand and go forward from there. If you get off-topic, on to other issues, stop yourselves and agree to get back on track. You can always come back to other issues later.
- Taking a 1-minute break can help a couple push the reset button on a fight. Stop, step out of the room, and reconnect when everyone's a little calmer.
- The louder someone yells, the less likely they are to be heard. Even if your spouse yells, there’s no need to yell back. Taking the volume down makes it possible for people to start focusing on the issues instead of reacting to the noise.
- There almost always are parts of a conflict that can be points of agreement. Finding common ground, even if it’s agreeing that there is a problem, is an important start to finding a common solution.
- There are two things that derail intense fights: (1) admitting what you did to get your spouse ticked off, and (2) expressing empathy toward your spouse. This can be difficult, but typically is extremely successful. Letting down our defenses in the heat of battle seems counter-intuitive, but is actually very effective with couples.
- There comes a point where discussing the matter doesn't help. So couples need to just hold each other when nothing else seems to be working. Reconnecting through touch is very important.
- Use words that describe how you feel, and what you want and need, not what your spouse feels, wants, or believes. It may seem easier to analyze your spouse than to analyze yourself, but interpreting your spouse’s thoughts, feelings and motives will distract you from identifying your own underlying issues, and will likely invite defensiveness from your partner. More importantly, telling your partner what he/she thinks, believes or wants is controlling and presumptuous. It is saying that you know your partner’s inner world better than your partner does. Instead, work on identifying your own unmet needs, feelings, and ways of thinking and describe these needs and feelings to your partner.
- When one speaks, the other should be really listening, not just planning their rebuttal. Take turns speaking and listening so that you both have a chance to say what you need. Have you ever tried to work through a difficult issue when your partner was talking over top of you and interrupting you? How did you feel? Consciously remind yourself about this when you feel an overwhelming urge to interrupt or speak your mind.
- When people feel strongly about something, it’s only fair to hear them out. Respectful listening means acknowledging their feelings, either verbally or through focused attention. It means never telling someone that he/she “shouldn’t” feel that way. It means saving your point of view until after you’ve let the other person know you understand that they feel intensely about the subject, even if you don’t quite get it.
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... Great article.
• Anonymous said... I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is my life in a nutshell. One thing that helps me is to write my thoughts and feelings down, then have him read them. This gives me time to calm down and think about how I want to say something. Also, you need to give logistical reasons for things, at least I do. "I need you to take out the trash because I'm cooking dinner." "It upsets me when you ignore me for video games because it makes me feel like you'd rather play games than be married to me. I'm asking for help because I can't do everything myself." "You cook, I clean. This is our agreement." "You can't be around chemicals, so you have to sweep, vacuum, and do the laundry." Getting emotional usually frustrates and/or shuts my husband down. Once I learned to take a step back, breathe, and think of a reasonable argument in a calm, low tone, things got SO much better. I'm a hot-tempered Texan, so it's not 100%. Ask him what he needs. That really changed my relationship. Also, try reading "Five Love Languages". There's a quiz you can both take that will tell you your love language, which was crazy eye-opening for me and my husband.
• Anonymous said... Just try to hang in there.
• Anonymous said... Read everything about it, have someone to talk to, have your OWN free time and try to be as rational as you can when you talk to him which you have to do when you know he is in the "listening mode". I'm married to adhd and asperger for 13 years Not easy but very possible!
* Anonymous said... My husband says I am his dream girl and he wouldnt change a thing about me. Sure we didnt know I had as when we got married or for years but it sure helps to know and learn how to communicate better.
* Anonymous said... I'll talk from your hubsnd's perspective, if you'll permit. Although a person with AS can tell they've angered or disappointed you, they rarely understand why. I'll assume that your husband has the normal high IQ common amongst folks with AS, and if so you can use that to your benefit to help him learn how to relate to you and "behave" in a more neuro-typical way. No one with AS wants conflict or strife, as it only serves to worsen the anxiety and depression that is so common in this disorder. Take the time to explain how his behavior made you feel, and most importantly tell him EXACTLY what you want him to do differently. Try to do so calmly, and at a time that both of you agree is appropriate to discuss the concern. Right when he gets home from work, or just before bed, would not be ideal.
• Anonymous said… "am finding myself slipping into feelings of resentment quite often" if you love him.. This comment wouldn't bother you or even spew out your mouth or even come as a thought in your head... that's what true love is.
• Anonymous said… Everyone's wired differently and marriage is a journey, a struggle and hard work but also a fantastic experience. The key is two people who want to keep trying.
• Anonymous said… Find a support group. It's easy for people to say "everyone is wired differently" but let's be honest - that puts the burden on the non-aspie partner to figure out how to deal because the aspie really cannot contribute to resolving the language barrier that happens in this situation. And there is a significant amount that is lost in translation leaving the non- aspire partner feeling not understood, not cared for and even unloved. My support group was the best thing that ever happened to me. Women who understand what it's like to be married to someone with Aspergers - no one else can even begin to understand the challenge. Many of the people at the adult Asperger's support groups I go to comment that their diagnosis made their marriages to their NT partner much happier. I think the linked article is pretty balanced. It points out that both people in the relationship need to work at understanding the other. The challenges are not because ONE partner "is wired differently", it's because TWO people have brains wired differently to each other. BOTH people in the relationship need to be willing to understand and adapt to each other's outlook.
• Anonymous said… I completely understand the feelings. She is asking for advice. She didnt just up and leave. This is an example of true love. She is trying to understand and reach out for help. I agree with David Iverson.
• Anonymous said… In my case my wife died before I got my diagnosis. We managed OK for 16 years but a lot of things fell into place in hindsight once I had the diagnosis. There were some arguments that I now understand were down to mutual misunderstanding from our brains being "wired differently" . Or times when we both felt a little unloved or uncared for because we didn't recognise the way the other was expressing their love. I can collate some of those things and ask the guys at the support group for their experiences to get something together.
• Anonymous said… It also means being willings to understand what each person needs. That should be made very clear at the outset. This is not about right or wrong....just differences ....and what you can live with and what you can't.
• Anonymous said… My partner has aspergers and honestly its not much of a relationship. Its a struggle & he doesn't care.
Post your comment below…
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... Great article.
• Anonymous said... I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is my life in a nutshell. One thing that helps me is to write my thoughts and feelings down, then have him read them. This gives me time to calm down and think about how I want to say something. Also, you need to give logistical reasons for things, at least I do. "I need you to take out the trash because I'm cooking dinner." "It upsets me when you ignore me for video games because it makes me feel like you'd rather play games than be married to me. I'm asking for help because I can't do everything myself." "You cook, I clean. This is our agreement." "You can't be around chemicals, so you have to sweep, vacuum, and do the laundry." Getting emotional usually frustrates and/or shuts my husband down. Once I learned to take a step back, breathe, and think of a reasonable argument in a calm, low tone, things got SO much better. I'm a hot-tempered Texan, so it's not 100%. Ask him what he needs. That really changed my relationship. Also, try reading "Five Love Languages". There's a quiz you can both take that will tell you your love language, which was crazy eye-opening for me and my husband.
• Anonymous said... Just try to hang in there.
• Anonymous said... Read everything about it, have someone to talk to, have your OWN free time and try to be as rational as you can when you talk to him which you have to do when you know he is in the "listening mode". I'm married to adhd and asperger for 13 years Not easy but very possible!
* Anonymous said... My husband says I am his dream girl and he wouldnt change a thing about me. Sure we didnt know I had as when we got married or for years but it sure helps to know and learn how to communicate better.
* Anonymous said... I'll talk from your hubsnd's perspective, if you'll permit. Although a person with AS can tell they've angered or disappointed you, they rarely understand why. I'll assume that your husband has the normal high IQ common amongst folks with AS, and if so you can use that to your benefit to help him learn how to relate to you and "behave" in a more neuro-typical way. No one with AS wants conflict or strife, as it only serves to worsen the anxiety and depression that is so common in this disorder. Take the time to explain how his behavior made you feel, and most importantly tell him EXACTLY what you want him to do differently. Try to do so calmly, and at a time that both of you agree is appropriate to discuss the concern. Right when he gets home from work, or just before bed, would not be ideal.
• Anonymous said… "am finding myself slipping into feelings of resentment quite often" if you love him.. This comment wouldn't bother you or even spew out your mouth or even come as a thought in your head... that's what true love is.
• Anonymous said… Everyone's wired differently and marriage is a journey, a struggle and hard work but also a fantastic experience. The key is two people who want to keep trying.
• Anonymous said… Find a support group. It's easy for people to say "everyone is wired differently" but let's be honest - that puts the burden on the non-aspie partner to figure out how to deal because the aspie really cannot contribute to resolving the language barrier that happens in this situation. And there is a significant amount that is lost in translation leaving the non- aspire partner feeling not understood, not cared for and even unloved. My support group was the best thing that ever happened to me. Women who understand what it's like to be married to someone with Aspergers - no one else can even begin to understand the challenge. Many of the people at the adult Asperger's support groups I go to comment that their diagnosis made their marriages to their NT partner much happier. I think the linked article is pretty balanced. It points out that both people in the relationship need to work at understanding the other. The challenges are not because ONE partner "is wired differently", it's because TWO people have brains wired differently to each other. BOTH people in the relationship need to be willing to understand and adapt to each other's outlook.
• Anonymous said… I completely understand the feelings. She is asking for advice. She didnt just up and leave. This is an example of true love. She is trying to understand and reach out for help. I agree with David Iverson.
• Anonymous said… In my case my wife died before I got my diagnosis. We managed OK for 16 years but a lot of things fell into place in hindsight once I had the diagnosis. There were some arguments that I now understand were down to mutual misunderstanding from our brains being "wired differently" . Or times when we both felt a little unloved or uncared for because we didn't recognise the way the other was expressing their love. I can collate some of those things and ask the guys at the support group for their experiences to get something together.
• Anonymous said… It also means being willings to understand what each person needs. That should be made very clear at the outset. This is not about right or wrong....just differences ....and what you can live with and what you can't.
• Anonymous said… My partner has aspergers and honestly its not much of a relationship. Its a struggle & he doesn't care.
Post your comment below…
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