Support &amp; Education for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Comments:

•    Anonymous said… "My husband has many positive qualities, but his ability to interact properly with family and friends is missing." If your (and his) family don't yet know why he can't interact "properly", why would they blame you? Sounds like you feel that they do. I think so because you state that his inability/unwillingness to make appropriate small talk embarrasses *you*. Maybe you should just make it clear to "large family gatherings" that he is Aspie and they should work out their own relationships with him on that basis, and not bring you into it, so you won't feel embarrassed. Also that way, he will get first hand feedback from the people involved, rather than second hand via you.
•    Anonymous said… Why are we supposed to do it all. When will neurotypicals put a foot in our world and have conversations by our rules. Most won't even try. It is a major deficit in the neurotypicals makeup that they have problems in this area!
•    Anonymous said… it's a big part of autism is a lack of social skills and instincts. these woman clearly married their partners without really accepting the person has aspergers and thinks the aspergers can be taught out of them or is a choice. Yes sure some of it we can learn but for a lot of it we can't learn because we are incapable of understanding it. Being social is not a logic thing it's all about illogical rules based on emotions and instincts we dont have!
•    Anonymous said… This is the best explanation and advice, ever. I used to struggle with embarrassment with my Aspie husband, until I realized that I wasn't accepting him for who he was. And I was interpreting everything he said or did from my perception, or others perception. He doesn't mean to be rude, or complicated, or any of the other things people perceive him to be. He is just himself. And as soon as that light came on in my head, life got a lot easier.·
•    Anonymous said… I love my Aspie hubby and my family and friends know already and he's actually become comfortable around them. I'm a social butterfly so we balance each other out.
•    Anonymous said… I too have these problems interacting with 99% of the people I encounter. I dont have someone to advise me what I did or said that was wrong. I would like that very much! Don't give up on him, he will come around.
•    Anonymous said… Some people need to be explained before they meet someone new. Let everyone know he has autism and just enjoy his weirdness. I am constantly saying the wrong thing but people just laugh because they think I am funny. Find the humor in it or find a new husband. He could learn new social skills but knowing exactly what to say and when to say it so people will never ever be offended or embarrassed? Not gonna happen.
•    Anonymous said… he won't change till he's on his own and has no choice!
•    Anonymous said… You don't fix a neurological problem like that... any more than saying the person whose legs don't work should have their wheelchair taken away so that they'll decide to walk. There is a difference between being truly rude, and merely not matching the NT conversational conventions.
•    Anonymous said… I think you need to do some research on what autism is and how it affects the perceptions of a person on the autism scale. We have very rigid personality quirks that are essentially WHO we are. We do not always realize when somebody isn't understanding us. We don't need to be 'babied' - we need people to accept us exactly the way we are.
•    Anonymous said… In my world I am the NT and they are the ones misunderstanding out of place dishonest and procreate way too much.
•    Anonymous said… AS can cannot change their personality and the way that thoughts are thought. The same can be said for the NT. We are polar opposites and depending on which one you are just remember in each persons world they are the NT.
•    Anonymous said… The bottom line is situations that course us discomfort are a clear opportunity to grow. It is all about the attitude you approach the situation with that determines the outcome.
* Anonymous said... "Oftentimes, adults with Asperger’s are not in a frame of mind where they are ready to make changes based on their partners requests (but as they age, many of them start to feel differently)." Ummm, actually, many spouses of autistic husbands, have weighed in on this and actually state that the older they get, their AS men become increasingly rigid and unwilling to engage in the Exposure Anxiety required to affect changes in their behavior.

Post your comment below…

Is Your ASD Partner a Jerk – or is it a Deficit in Reciprocity?

“Why is my husband (autistic) such an inconsiderate jerk?”

Unfortunately, people with Asperger’s and High-Functioning Autism (HFA) are often accused of being inconsiderate, selfish, uncaring or insensitive. It’s a cross many of these individuals have to bear.

The main trait associated with of Asperger’s and HFA is the problem of human connectedness. The term used to describe human connection is “reciprocity.” This refers to a person’s ability to engage others in a way that makes them feel connected. People with Asperger’s and HFA often lack reciprocity to one degree or another.

For example, they may (a) seem either distant, stiff, or in other ways unconnected; (b) have difficulty reading subtle gestures and facial changes; (c) have difficulty interpreting subtleties in language, such as irony or sarcasm; (d) not read or respond as most people do to small changes in body posture or gestures; and (e) have difficulty maintaining eye contact in social conversations.

Some people with Asperger’s and HFA not only “seem” detached, but come across as being uninterested in having relationships with others. For example, they may (a) wish to connect with others, but simply don’t know how; (b) lack empathy; (c) have very little interest in the feelings and experiences of others; (d) have feelings for others, but can’t convey those feelings effectively; and (e) have difficulty deriving pleasure from connecting with others, learning about them, talking with them, or sharing experiences.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

At first, the “neurotypical” (NT) partner may see the “Aspie” as shy, quiet, stiff or withdrawn. As the NT begins to talk with the Aspie, it may appear that he or she responds robotically, has a monotonic voice, appears rather eccentric, and/or lacks warmth. There can be a sense that the Aspie just isn’t there when he/she is interacting with the NT partner (e.g., may seem overly interested in his/her topic of conversation and not the NT partner’s interests, may not know when to stop talking, may not know what to do when someone has finished making a point, etc.).

In conversation with an Aspie, the NT may find himself/herself asking most of the questions, waiting for obvious follow-ups that don’t occur, and otherwise doing most of the work in the exchange. The Aspie’s frequent robotic language and responses “seem” to suggest that his or her partner may as well be inanimate.

It’s not just a question of an inability to read social cues – there is an output problem (i.e., not knowing how to engage and maintain relationships with others) and an internal problem (i.e., he/she has no labels for feelings, and social/emotional information is confusing, undeveloped, absent, or not valued).

All too frequently, people on the autism spectrum seem not just disconnected, but preoccupied with one or two subjects that they may talk about endlessly. Some may even become upset when others do not share their enthusiasm for a given area of interest. There is a kind of immaturity (or fixed developmental delay) in which the feelings, interests, needs, perspectives and thoughts of others just aren’t important to them (or so it appears).

The simplest conversation among NT individuals is kind of a social dance – a flowing exchange of words, nonverbal cues and appropriate responses. Because there really is quite a lack of tolerance in society for not being able to engage in this kind of social behavior, an Aspie can soon become grist for the gossip mill and find himself or herself ostracized for ambiguous reasons.

So, this is why some people with Asperger’s and HFA can come across as jerks: their lack of reciprocity. I’m not saying Aspies never behave like jerks – some do. But in most cases, they are not trying to be an asshole, they simply struggle with connectedness-skills in the social arena.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for the NT partner to think that his/her Aspie partner “should be able to do better” … “should try harder” … “has the ability to improve, but simply doesn’t want to” …etc. This, too, is a cross that people with Asperger’s and HFA must bear.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Comments:

• Anonymous said… Before I knew my son was an Aspie, I would actually ask him why he was being such a jerk 😞. Now I know why! It is normal for him.... sigh

• Anonymous said… Deficit in reciprocity...perfect wording!

• Anonymous said… Does anybody know of a good treatment center in N.Y. Florida or N.C.my son is Aspie but has too many traumas.

• Anonymous said… He is able to show affection to his family and friends giving them compliments but when it comes to me he can’t say he loves me or show spontaneous affection. It’s hard if you are a NT that is affectionate and craves affection. He seems disconnected.

• Anonymous said… I divorced one....it was difficult but stayed with my son:Aspie

• Anonymous said… I hope if my grandson ever gets married it's to someone familiar enough with Aspergers that she never calls him names for behavior that is typical to his disorder.

• Anonymous said… Love this. Thank you.

• Anonymous said… Mine can be from time to time but I am sure I can be an ass too lol....my 22 year old son is very difficult generally

• Anonymous said… Mine is a jerk now but wasn't at first, but not just to me, to all he interacts with. Very low empathy or none, just found out he has BPD and OCD apart from AS but was much better until 2 years ago then he started taking Keppra for his epilepsy and something changed in his behavior. Even he has noticed and tells me that something doesn't feel right in his mind and has more insomnia too but the neurologist won't change his prescription.. :(

• Anonymous said… Mine was a Jerk! Lol

• Anonymous said… So interesting...having a child with ASD sure makes you look at the world and others in it in a different perspective! God makes all of different some days it is a blessing...some days it is not :)

• Anonymous said… Some have to be reminded to reciprocate. Others do a good job of it.

Post your comment below…

Lack of “Demonstrated Empathy” Among Adults with ASD

A lack of “demonstrated empathy” may be the most problematic ASD trait that seriously affects social interactions.

I use the term “demonstrated” empathy, because each person with the disorder certainly has empathy, but it is not conveyed to others through his or her words and expression of emotions to the degree that is “typical” or socially acceptable. This, in turn, often gives others the impression that the autistic individual is insensitive, uncaring or selfish.

This empathy deficit can’t be “fixed” – and is not an intentional or malicious method of relating to others. Unfortunately, many “neurotypicals” believe that if the person with ASD would just “try harder” or “do better,” then there wouldn’t be a problem. This is like saying to someone with dyslexia, “If you would just pay attention to what you’re reading, you would be able to read better” (and then get upset when they don’t). In fact, you could think of Asperger's as a form of social dyslexia.

In fact, sometimes “trying harder” makes a bad problem worse. For example, the more the person on the spectrum tries to “fit in,” the more his or her anxiety rises, which in turn makes it even more difficult to have a relaxed, spontaneous conversation.

Due to high levels of anxiety in social interactions, a person with ASD may engage in a one-sided, long-winded monologue about his or her favorite subject, while not recognizing the listener's reactions (e.g., a desire to change the topic or end the conversation). Such failures to react appropriately in social exchanges can appear as disregard for other's feelings and may be perceived as egoistical or self-centered.

The reality is that the cognitive ability of people with ASD (high-functioning autism) often allows them to articulate social norms in a laboratory context, in which they may be able to show a theoretical understanding of other's emotions – but have difficulty acting on this knowledge in fluid, real-life situations.

People with the disorder often analyze and distill their observations of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines and apply these rules in odd ways (e.g., forced eye contact), resulting in behavior that may seem rigid or socially naïve.

Furthermore, due to a history of failed social encounters, the ASD person's desire for companionship can become numbed, causing damage to self-esteem and a strong desire to isolate from society in general.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Aspergers Employees and Workplace Anxiety

Many Aspergers and high-functioning autistic employees experience work-related stress. The possible stressors include: social, task-related, and environmental. Let’s look at each of these in turn.

Social Stressors—

Many employees with Aspergers experience some level of anxiety in social situations they encounter on the job. For example:

• Employers— A good experience with a caring employer can cause a lasting impression on an employee’s life. A bad experience can also make a lasting impression! While many employers do their best to provide their workers with a positive workplace experience by coaching and advising them on how to perform at their peak, many people with Aspergers are better suited for certain coaching styles and work-related tasks. If there's a mismatch between employer and employee in this regard, the “Aspie” can form lasting negative feelings about work and his/her own abilities.

• Workplace Bullies— Many places of business have anti-bullying policies. Though bullying does still happen in the workplace even with these policies, help is generally more easily accessible than it was years ago. The bad news is that workplace bullying has gone high-tech and may not necessarily happen on the job-site. There are some people who use the Internet (e.g., Facebook) to target a fellow employee that they have a “beef” with. One reason for this is that they don't have to face their target, so it's easier to shed any empathy that they may otherwise feel in face-to-face interactions.

• Workplace Ostracization— There are many reported cases in which the individual with Aspergers didn’t necessarily get bullied in the fullest sense of the term, but he or she - for whatever reason - has a “bad” reputation in the workplace (possibly for being too quirky or self-absorbed in the eyes of others). As a result, fellow employees purposefully ignore and reject the Aspie (a form of bullying with no repercussions).

Task-related Stressors—

The following are some of the main sources of task-related stress for Aspergers employees:

• Work That's Too Easy— Just as it can be stressful to handle a heavy and challenging workload, some Aspergers employees can experience stress from work that isn't difficult enough. Unfortunately, many Aspies are given job assignments that are significantly beneath their potential and capabilities. As a result, they run the risk of developing a cynical, bitter attitude about their employment, which can lead to poor performance, mask the root of the difficulty, and perpetuate the problem.

• Task Anxiety— Many of us experience work-related anxiety when we are moved to a different department or are given a new job assignment. Unfortunately, change is very difficult for people with Aspergers, as they prefer to maintain a consistent routine. Studies show that greater levels of task anxiety hinder performance on the job.

Environmental Stressors—

Certain aspects of an Aspergers employee’s environment can also cause anxiety that can spill over and affect performance. The following are some stressors that Aspies may not realize are impacting them:

• Lack of Sleep— Many Aspies report having sleep problems (often related to chronic anxiety issues). As schedules pack up with overtime, extracurricular activities, and family time, they often get less sleep than they need. Operating under a sleep deficit doesn’t just mean drowsiness, it also leads to lack of coordination, moodiness, poor cognitive-functioning, and other negative effects.

• Noise Pollution— Many people with Aspergers have sensory sensitivities. Noise pollution in the workplace has been shown to cause stress that impacts some employees’ performance on the job.

• Poor Diet— With the surplus of convenience food and the time constraints many people experience these days, the average person’s diet has more sugar and less nutritious content than is recommended. This often leads to mood swings, lack of energy, and other negative effects that impact anxiety levels. This is magnified in the individual who is already experiencing undue stress in other areas of life.

Signs of workplace anxiety include:

• Withdrawal

• Excessive shyness

• Stomachaches

• Meltdowns

• Frequently calling in sick

• Nightmares

• Negative attitude

• Cynicism

• Anger control problems

• Shutdowns

• Headaches

• Feeling unsafe in the workplace

• Fear of getting laid off or fired

• Excessive worry and fear about job performance

• Difficulty going to sleep

• Loss of appetite

• Increased appetite

• Excessive alcohol consumption

• Drug use

You can’t eliminate or escape anxiety that may occur in the workplace. It’s a fact of modern life. Nonetheless, workplace anxiety is a serious subject. More than one third of American workers experience chronic work-related stress, which is costing American businesses billions of dollars a year in medical bills and lost work hours.

Here are a few simple, yet highly effective suggestions for those who may be experiencing workplace anxiety:

Schedule quality social time. Each week, schedule some time with a friend to just hang out and laugh.
Meditate regularly. Even 5 minutes a day can help lower blood pressure, and can help you control the thoughts that trigger anxiety.
Learn to say “no.” Being overworked and over-committed leads to anxiety. Don’t feel obligated to say “yes” to everything for fear you won’t be liked.
Reconnect with your spiritual roots. When you’re chronically stressed, it’s easy to forget about your place in the bigger picture. Prayer, meditation, chanting, or other rituals are great ways to get perspective on what’s stressing you – and relieve that pressure.
Get enough sleep. Work-related anxiety is magnified when you’re sleep-deprived and foggy-headed.
Get creative. Carve out some time to tap into your inner child (e.g., cooking dinner, handwriting a card to a friend, creating a vision board, etc.).
Exercise regularly. Physical activity releases stress-relieving chemicals.
Eat whole foods. Processed food can cause you to feel even more stressed than you already are.
Cultivate a grateful attitude. You can take the sting out of negative events by focusing on what’s good in your life.
Engage in appropriate sexual activity. Sex increases the production of oxytocin (often referred to as the “love hormone”). Before achieving an orgasm, oxytocin levels in the brain surge and are accompanied by a release of endorphins.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

The 3 Types of Aspies

One of the most characteristic symptoms of Aspergers (high-functioning autism) is a deficit in social behavior. Many reports written by researchers have described this problem and it is thought by many to be the key defining feature of Aspergers. The social problems can be classified into three categories: socially indifferent, socially awkward, and socially avoidant.

==> Living With An Aspergers Partner: eBook, Audio Instruction, and Couples Counseling

The Link Between Anxiety and Autism Spectrum Disorder

"Why does it seem that most people with ASD also have a great deal of anxiety?"

One explanation (among several) may have to do with abnormal levels of cortisol. Cortisol (the body’s stress hormone) may be a key component to understanding ASD, according to researchers.

It is one of a family of stress hormones that acts like a ‘red alert’ that is triggered by stressful situations, allowing a person to react quickly to changes around him or her.

In “typical” people, there is a 2-fold increase in levels of this hormone within 30 minutes of waking up, with levels gradually declining during the day as part of the internal body clock. One study found that people with ASD don’t have this peak.

This difference in stress hormone levels may be very significant in explaining why the “autistic” is less able to react and cope with unexpected change. These findings are crucial, as they give us a better understanding about how some of the symptoms we see in ASD are linked to how the individual adapts to change at a chemical level.

The study suggests that a person with the disorder may not adjust normally to the challenge of a new environment on waking, and this may affect the way he or she subsequently engages with the world as the day wears on.

The researchers hope that by understanding the symptoms of ASD as a stress response (rather than a social-skills deficit or some type of behavioral problem), it could help therapists develop strategies for avoiding situations that can cause anxiety in people with the disorder.

The next step in the research will be to look at whether people with other types of autism also lack a peak of cortisol after waking.

Craig sates, "I can really relate to this. By 4 pm, my anxiety is usually off the charts with no direct correlation to any particular event. That was when I would start thinking of going to Happy Hour or something to stop that internal suffocating feeling. Hard to describe."

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder