Are you an adult with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's? Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you struggling emotionally, socially, spiritually or otherwise? Then you've come to the right place. We are here to help you in any way we can. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile...

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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query empathy. Sort by date Show all posts

ASD and that Damn Anxiety Problem

"Why is it that people with autism spectrum disorder seem to have more than their fair share of anxiety? I have suffered with this damn thing my entire life – as far back as I can remember. And it doesn’t get any better with age by the way. Suggestions!?"

People with ASD (high-functioning autism) are particularly vulnerable to anxiety. This vulnerability is a basic trait of the disorder due to (a) the breakdown in circuitry related to extinguishing fear responses, (b) social skills deficits, and (c) specific neurotransmitter system defects.

Reasons for anxiety include the following:
  • Lack of displayed empathy (another Asperger’s trait) significantly limits skills for self-directed social problem solving.
  • Limitations in generalizing from one situation to another contributes to repeating the same social errors.
  • Social skills deficits related to Asperger’s make it difficult for “Aspies” to develop coping techniques for calming themselves and containing difficult emotions. 
  • Their inability to grasp social cues and their highly rigid style act together to create repeated social mistakes (e.g., saying the wrong thing at the wrong time). 
  • In the workplace, it is not uncommon for the Aspie to be bullied and teased by his coworkers, yet he can’t mount effective socially adaptive responses, which often results in both anxiety and learned helplessness.



Several medications have been tried for treatment of anxiety. SRIs, buspirone, and alpha-adrenergic agonist medications (e.g., clonidine or guanfacine) have been tried. The best evidence to date supports use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. One relatively new drug that seems to be having remarkable success in alleviating anxiety is Fetzima.

As a side note, people on the autism spectrum may be more vulnerable to side effects – and may exhibit unusual side effects. For example, disinhibition (i.e., a temporary loss of inhibition) is particularly prominent and can be seen with any of the serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Also, excessive doses may produce “amotivational syndrome” (i.e., a psychological condition associated with diminished inspiration to participate in social situations and activities).

Self-help strategies to reduce anxiety include the following:
  • avoid “what if” thinking (e.g., ‘What if I fail?’ … ‘What if I get sick?’)
  • avoid black-and-white (all-or-nothing) thinking 
  • avoid talking in absolutes (i.e., using words such as always, never, should, must, no one and everyone)
  • develop a daily log to plan out your days (include healthy activities)
  • develop a sense of self-trust (i.e., the ability to believe that you can handle what life throws at you)
  • don’t be a “people-pleaser” (e.g., when do you say ‘yes’ to someone when you really want to say ‘no’)
  • practice yoga
  • realize and accept that you can’t control life, you can only control yourself
  • realize that you’re responsible for your happiness and your life
  • reduce your perfectionistic tendencies
  • stop relying on others for approval

Lastly, but most importantly, distinguish fact from fiction. Fear is being afraid of something, and you know exactly what it is that you’re afraid of (e.g., heights). Anxiety is being afraid of something, but you’re NOT sure what it is. Anxiety is fiction. It’s an anticipation of things going wrong in the future. But since the future doesn’t exist (except as a mental construct), then anxiety about a future event is fiction.
 
 

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder


 
COMMENTS:

Anonymous said… All part of autism? Get used to it and fight it best you can! This is where the tiredness and long sleeps are relevant!
Anonymous said… as long as autistics are perceived and treated as diseased toys, they`re going to have a much higher rate of mental health issues. as long as autistics try to live like people who aren`t autistic, they`re going to have a higher rate of mental health issues. it`s really pretty simple. the solutions are more complex, however.
Anonymous said… Easier said than done. The adult Asperger want to achieve some balance and sometimes accumulative PTSD feeds into the situation, too, with triggers that appear out of left field. Overwhelming.
Anonymous said… I can only speak for myself, but my anxiety is "out there" so fast, I can never "control" it; it's too dam quick, damage done, and I'm already in wtf-mode before realizing I'm palpitating and acting like an idiot. Which makes me more anxious! I don't know how to forewarn myself to try to stop it; it just happens
Anonymous said… I love how when I went to a doctor all they wanted to do was treat the anxiety and when I asked "what about the other symptoms like innattention and sensory issues and social issues" they just ignored even trying to get me a diagnoses suggesting that anti anxiety meds would be "the cure" instead of what it really did - make me suicidal
Anonymous said… It is a hard question to answer,, but the best thing is to try and find an outlet.. to not let the anxiety spiral and take hold.
Anonymous said… Ive warned all of people around me to get away when i get angry because i really cant stop my rage 
Anonymous said… Meditation helps
Anonymous said… right it's like a nightmare coming true times 100.
Anonymous said… Why do we have anxiety? Because from birth we have been being told we aren't normal. Don't do that, dont say that, look here, go there, sound like this, look like that. When you have to think about everything just to comprehend what's going on around you, and then add in being the best actor/actress everyone has seen, because otherwise you make them uncomfortable, go figure we have anxiety!
•    Anonymous said… as long as autistics are perceived and treated as diseased toys, they`re going to have a much higher rate of mental health issues. as long as autistics try to live like people who aren`t autistic, they`re going to have a higher rate of mental health issues. it`s really pretty simple. the solutions are more complex, however.
•    Anonymous said… Have any of y'all tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I'm looking into it for my 22 years old son. His meltdowns are so violent and I'm terrified he's going to end up in jail one day. Any thoughts?
•    Anonymous said… it might help, if the therapist is experienced and knowledgeable enough about autistics. but his meltdowns at this point are probably ptsd. that`s very hard to recover from. i have a similar issue myself. what he needs to learn are appropriate personal and social boundaries for himself, and how to live like an autistic. cbt might help with boundaries. it won`t help much with living like an autistic.
•    Anonymous said… My anxiety is off the hook! My doc put me on some med that I will need to purge off of but it isn't helping me stop biting my nails and having bad dreams...is anyone here having the same symptoms?
•    Anonymous said… The push for uniformity of human beings in our world is most disturbing. The simple frustration of growing up with people always trying to change your fundamental personality and the stress of trying to fit in ... and failing ...

Please post your comment below…

Married to an Autistic Man: Tips for Frustrated NT Wives

Michael, a young man with autism, was cute with his boyish good looks and child-like antics. Nancy loved Michael – autism and all – because he made her smile and he wasn’t afraid to show his vulnerable side by crying on her shoulder about past hurts.

For the first few years, life was filled with so much fun and adventure that Nancy didn’t even notice that all the “adult responsibilities” seem to always fall on her. But one day, it hit her: “I am more like a mother to Michael than a wife!” Nancy became discouraged and began yearning for a man rather than an adult-child. What was charming in the beginning was annoying now.

Every spouse has mothered her man on occasion …you made him some chicken soup when he was sick with the flu …you reminded him to take out the trash …you picked up his dirty socks from the living room floor …and so on. But having to constantly mother a child-like man soon gets old.

Most females are born with a nurturing gene that can’t resist a man who needs her. There’s comfort in knowing your spouse finds refuge from the world in your arms. A child-like man brings a carefree attitude toward life that lifts your mood, which can be refreshing in today’s pressure-filled world. 
 
But, life does have its adult responsibilities. Someone has to pay the gas bill or remember to renew the auto registrations. The grown-up world gets burdensome when you have to shoulder responsibilities for two (or more if you have kids). This isn’t what you signed up for. Marriage means having a spouse to help out. So what is a frustrated wife to do?

Here are a few ways to help your autistic husband “grow-up” and start to shoulder more responsibility:

1. Accept your husband for who he is. There are perks to being married to a child-like man. It’s less likely that he will be controlling or domineering. He’ll be playful and fun. Life with your partner will not be boring. Let your own inner kid come out to play with him. Use your own adult strengths to fill in the gaps as necessary.

2. Allow your husband to take on some adult responsibilities – even if he doesn’t live up to your standards. Sometimes an autistic husband will step aside and let his spouse take over because she wants things done her way. That is not letting him “grow up” if you insist on being the ultimate decision maker or judgment caller. He may struggle and even fail a few times, but that’s the learning curve.

3. Audio or videotape your arguments (with everyone’s approval) so you both can hear yourselves communicate. Some couples are surprised to hear how juvenile they sound, and they change their communication styles quickly.

4. Create visual cues. Chore charts and budget sheets sound so childish, but he may need a visual reminder. We all have information overload with too much to do and remember. Even neurotypical men do better when you hand them a “honey-do” list. If he’s tech savvy, have him enter items in his Blackberry.

5. Don't assess - or redo - his work. If you want a job done by your husband and his work doesn't meet your expectations, do the job yourself and don't ask him to do it in the first place. The problem may just be your expectations and not your spouse.

6. Don't come across as “bitchy.” It's an issue of stubborn will and you will not break him. The more you bitch, the less he will do. Just ask once and leave it that.

7. Don't tell your husband to do more than one thing at a time. Tell him one thing he can help you with and leave it at that. Understand that some autistic men are genetically wired to reject lists. If that describes your man, then don’t give him a list of things to do – under any circumstances.

8. Encourage your husband to hang out with male peers with grown-up attitudes. He could learn from good male role models. It’s said you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with.

9. Give your husband adult respect. You can’t expect him to be an adult if you treat him like a kid or a second-class citizen in your home. Defer to him and consult his opinions. Don’t correct him, boss him around, criticize how he does things, or override his decisions in child-rearing or anything else. That will only reinforce the fact that you are “wearing the pants” in the family. Treat your man like the “man of the house” (or at least like an equal half of your partnership) and he’ll begin to fill that role.

10. Let your guy be the hero. A male loves to do heroic things for his spouse. The problem with childcare and housework is your spouse doesn't understand how important it is to you that he helps. In many cases (especially if you work), day-to-day childcare/housework is incredibly tiring and draining. It's a burden. Your husband doesn't see the slow burn of exhaustion as easily as he may see other threats to your well-being. For him to truly understand your difficulty, you need to make a point of explaining your predicament, not in a condescending or angry to tone, but in a manner that conveys your predicament and desperation.

11. Let your man decide the timeline. This may sound counter intuitive, but it works. Males need to be in control. The minute they feel threatened – they flee. If your husband runs, then there is no way he will ever complete the job. Besides, when he completes the job, his pride will be surely let you know that he did it before the time elapsed.

12. Notice what your husband does – not what he doesn't. Imagine if your spouse pointed out all of the flaws in your appearance and never noticed your good points. You would eventually break down and stop caring about your appearance. It's the same way with autistics and childcare/housework.

13. Seek counseling to learn the underlying cause of your mand’s childish behavior. Subconsciously, he may be avoiding adulthood. Maybe he harbors some fears or past trauma that need to be addressed and healed. A professional can help him discover how to be more fulfilled in his life as a grown-up.

14. Stop mothering him. No more doing all the care-taking things you do. No more taking on too much responsibility. He probably loves it when you treat him like a child, but if you want him to grow up, stop mothering. Let him take the fall when he falls short.

15. Talk with your guy about sharing the load. Don’t nag or belittle him, or he will shut down. Talk about fairness and how many hands make light work. Less stress and work for you means that you’ll have more time and energy to be more relaxed and to join in on the fun with him.
 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism


P.S. We totally understand that these suggestions are easier said than done, as evidenced by some of the following comments:

•    Anonymous… I'm a NT and my husband is an Aspie. It's getting incredibly hard to want to work with him, because it's like he doesn't want to help himself. He just wants me to ignore his immaturity, his laziness, his rituals and routine. Sorry people, but there's only so much a person can bare!
 

•    Anonymous… I agree. It's not my responsibility to make him feel better or try and help him. I've had enough of trying to manage my life around it. Aspergers or not, life's too short to spend it accomodating someone else at your own expense.
 

•    Anonymous… Yes, do not wait until you are 55 and run down sick woman from all the stress. there will be no thank you waiting anywhere.
 

•    Anonymous… I agree, all points make sense but it all equates to a one sided relationship, whereby the NT is accommodating the Aspie. My husband is not diagnosed which I can only imagine makes it harder. I love him but cannot live without the care and empathy I deserve. I have no idea how a relationship can be a success without the NT partner being neglected. Sadly we are about to get divorced and I am devastated.
 

•    Anonymous… issues that I have a baby which his parents love but my partner can't be left alone with as he hasn't got a clue. His parents don't believe he's got asbergers even when he's been diagnosed his mum has mothered him all his life his obsessions take over everything I have a mortgage and his parents are my free child care and respite my relationship if you can call it that is disappearing as I can't be intimate anymore with been his main carer he's just another big kid I think he might be a friend now I have no idea cause I'm confused to how I feel about him but I feel like I am a single mother using his family to survive and live. While he just does wat he pleases and I get no leisure time
 

•    Anonymous… Wow, this sounds a lot like me. Neither my husband nor I are diagnosed, but I am pretty sure we are both aspies (our middle daughter is diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum). My poor husband has to take care of me. He is much higher functioning than I am. Something the article doesn't really touch on, (or maybe it is something that only I specifically deal with) is that I *want* to help. I *want* to be more than a burden to my husband. But if outside triggers and stressors are too much to bear, I seem to lose access to a number of my executive functions and all I can do is sink into my childish obsessions and interests to try to hold the terrible anxiety at bay so I don't go mad from the stress and panic. This can go on for months until things calm down and I can reestablish routines. I know it is hard on my husband, as it must be for the women whose spouses are requiring so much mothering. I wish I knew what could be done to help with getting the stressors to quit shutting down executive functions in aspies :( 

Post your comment below. We want to hear your opinion too…

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Why Some NT Women Refuse to Date Men with Asperger’s

There's nothing wrong with getting rejected by a woman you have an eye out for. It happens all the time. But some guys with Asperger’s seem to have a lot of difficulty in this area (i.e., winning and keeping a girlfriend).

Here are the top 15 reasons NT women turn down Aspie men:

1.  Due to a series of bad childhood experiences, many men with Asperger’s have very low self-esteem. As a result, their “relationship-building” confidence level is a 1 on a scale of 1 – 10, and the perceptive woman picks up on this.

2.  Due to past social failures, some of these men have an attitude towards dating that is generally very negative. This attitude gets conveyed at an almost unconscious level - and is a turn-off.

3.  Their approach throws the women off-guard (e.g., either came on too passively or too aggressively).

4.  Their conversational skills, displays of empathy, and eye-contact are lacking (in her estimation).

5.  Their looks don’t match the woman’s standards (e.g., too casual of clothing, disheveled hair, etc.).

6.  They (falsely) pretend to not to be interested in sex.

7.  They come off as either too independent or too needy.

8.  Some Asperger’s men don’t put themselves out there enough – not by a longshot. In other words, they’re impatient because the whole process is taking too long, and therefore, do not give the “law of averages” enough time to work.

9.  They have an attachment to being rejected. That is, they identify themselves with disappointment, disapproval, and rejection because it has happened so many times before (e.g., a self-fulling prophecy becomes manifest).

10.  They present themselves as “too nice,” which comes off as fake and disingenuous.

11.  They push for a “one-night stand.” This conveys that you are not really the committed type.

12.  Some Aspie men think that all they have to do to win her over is to be a gentleman. Unfortunately, it takes MUCH MORE than that.

13.  They try to be “friend.” She already has friends – she’s probably looking for a “lover.”

14.  The Aspie tries to get the woman to like him before she is attracted to him.

15.  Many of these men wait too long to “make a move.” So, she gets bored and bails out.

Here are some resources that may benefit the chronically rejected male Aspie:





















Adults with ASD: What Other Family Members Need To Know

ASD level 1 (high functioning autism) is typically first diagnosed in children. In contrast to those with ASD level 3, people at level 1 acquire language skills normally, develop appropriately in cognitive abilities, and tend to have higher-than-average verbal skills. The most significant feature of ASD is the inability to interact appropriately on a social basis. If untreated, many difficulties continue into adulthood.

Eccentric people have always existed, but ASD isn't always recognized as a possible cause of strange adult behavior. ASD level 1, one of the neurological disorders on the autism spectrum, can be mild, causing only somewhat unusual behavior - or severe, causing an inability to function in society without some assistance (e.g., from a neurotypical spouse). Adults with ASD, like kids with the disorder, have trouble deciphering the normal rules of society, which impacts their home, work and social lives.

Grown-ups on the autism spectrum have high intellectual functioning, but diminished social abilities. An adult on the spectrum may:
  • appear clumsy
  • follow repetitive routines
  • have limited or unusual interests
  • lack social skills
  • lack the ability to read non-verbal cues
  • seem egocentric
  • use peculiar speech and language

Typical adult symptoms include:
  • "black and white" thinking
  • a tendency to be "in their own world"
  • appear overly concerned with their own agenda
  • difficulty managing appropriate social conduct
  • difficulty regulating emotions
  • follow strict routines
  • great musical ability
  • highly focused in specific fields of interest often to the exclusion of other pursuits
  • inability to empathize
  • inability to understand other perspectives
  • intense interest in one or two subjects
  • outstanding memory

Let’s go into greater detail regarding ASD in adults:

1. Assessment—ASD is a clinical diagnosis versus medical. Neurological and organic causes remain mostly unknown. Psychological interviewing that includes medical, psychiatric and childhood history contributes to an ASD diagnosis, which may coexist with other mood and behavior disorders.

2. Behavior— Grown-ups on the spectrum usually prefer structured lives with well-defined routines and may become agitated or upset when these routines are broken. If, for example, your spouse normally eats breakfast at 9 a.m. and becomes stressed out when asked to eat at an earlier time, this may be indicative of ASD. Unlike adults with level 3 autism, however, an individual at level 1 will probably be able to keep his frustration in check. 
 
Grown-ups with ASD may also be reluctant to initiate conversation and require prodding to talk to you at all, especially if that individual is already engaged in a favored activity when you try to initiate conversation. Eye contact may be rare. An individual with ASD may have obsessive tendencies that manifest in such ways as insisting all of his books be lined up in a certain order on the shelf or that the clothes in his closet are categorized by color, style or season. Reliance on routine, obsession with categories and patterns and limited conversation are all symptoms of ASD that may be observed at home.

3. Cognitive Symptoms— While grown-ups with ASD are often of above-average intelligence, they may process information more slowly than normal, making it difficult to participate in discussions or activities that require quick thinking. These individuals may have trouble with organization and seeing the "big picture," often focusing on one aspect of a project or task. Most are rigid and inflexible, making transitions of any type difficult.
 

4. Common Careers— Adults on the spectrum have sophisticated skills in certain areas, such as those dealing with numbers or art. Most often, these skills do not exist together. Careers that do not rely on short-term memory are better suited for an individual on the spectrum. Appropriate careers include computer and video game design, drafting, commercial art, photography, mechanic, appliance repair, handcraft artisan, engineering and journalism.

5. Communication— Grown-ups with ASD may demonstrate unusual non-verbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, limited facial expressions or awkward body posturing. They may speak in a voice that is monotonous or flat. They may engage in one-sided conversations without regard to whether anyone is listening to them. They are often of high intelligence and may specialize in one area or interest. This leads to a lack of interest in alternate topics and the unwillingness to listen when others are speaking. 
 
Such poor communication skills can lead to problems finding a job or interacting effectively in a workplace environment. Grown-ups with ASD often communicate poorly with others. Many talk incessantly, often about topics that others have no interest in. Their thought patterns may be scattered and difficult to follow and never come to a point. Speech patterns may have a strange cadence or lack the proper inflections. An individual on the spectrum may have difficulty understanding humor and may take what's said too literally.

6. Diagnosis— Most grown-ups with ASD are able to live relatively normal lives. They are often regarded as shy, reserved or even snobbish by others. As these are not considered abnormal behaviors, a real diagnosis may come late in life, or not at all. You can get a more accurate picture of whether your partner has ASD by talking to the people who know him, such as co-workers, college professors, other relatives and friends (though an individual with ASD may have a very limited social circle). 
 
Ask whether your partner initiates conversation, if he seems awkward and unsure of himself during social interactions, and whether he has any strange behaviors his peers may have noticed. If the answers you get make you suspect ASD, you can encourage your partner to seek therapeutic attention to manage the condition better.

7. Emotional Symptoms— Unlike adults with autism level 3, people at level 1 want to fit in with others. Their social and work-related difficulties can cause anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, obsessive compulsive behaviors and depression. They may feel disconnected and distant from the rest of the world, a feeling called "wrong planet" syndrome.

8. Imagination— Grown-ups with ASD may be unable to think in abstract ways. They may be inflexible in their thinking, unable to imagine a different outcome to a given situation than the one they perceive. Such rigid thinking patterns may make predicting outcomes of situations difficult. These individuals may develop strict lifestyle routines and experience anxiety and distress if that routine is disrupted. To avoid such disruption, some adults may keep extensive written to-do lists or keep a mental checklist of their plans.

9. Physical Symptoms— Grown-ups with ASD are often physically awkward. Many have a peculiar walk, poor posture or general clumsiness or difficulty with physical tasks.
 

10. Preoccupations and Obsessions— One of the diagnostic criteria for ASD is an "encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus." A grown-up with the disorder may obsessively latch on to a single hobby or area of interest, often memorizing facts to the smallest detail. Some individuals are successful in their work environment because of their attention to detail and ability to retain information. An inability to be flexible or to deal with changes in routine is also a trait. An adult with the disorder may have difficulties in his home life, often demanding little or no change in routines or schedules.

11. Prognosis— ASD is a continuous and lifelong condition. Individuals on the spectrum should be able to function with the disorder with proper coping skills in place. Adapting their environment to their condition is especially critical. Finding a work environment that de-emphasizes social interactions may be appropriate. In addition, having a regular work routine and schedule may be beneficial. Interventions, such as social skills training, education and/or psychotherapy, may be necessary to better manage symptoms.

12. Relationships— Because grown-ups with ASD struggle to understand emotions in others, they miss subtle cues such as facial expression, eye contact and body language. As a result, an adult on the spectrum appears aloof, selfish or uncaring. Neurologically, adults with ASD are unable to understand other people's emotional states. They are usually surprised, upset and show remorse when informed of the hurtful or inappropriate effect of their actions. 
 
Affected adults show as much interest as others do in intimate relationships. However, most ASD adults lack the social or empathetic skills to effectively manage romantic relationships. An individual with the disorder behaves at younger developmental age in relationships. The subtleties of courtship are unfamiliar and sometimes inappropriate physical contact results.
 

13. Social Interaction— Grown-ups with ASD may have difficulty interacting in social groups. For example, they may choose inappropriate topics to discuss in a group setting or find making small talk difficult or even annoying. As they tend to be literal thinkers, they may have trouble understanding social metaphors, teasing or irony. They may lack empathy or find it hard to relate to other people. Some adults on the spectrum have anger management problems and may lash out in a social setting without regard to another's feelings. They may report feeling detached from the world and having trouble finding and maintaining relationships.

An individual with the disorder lacks the ability to display appropriate non-verbal behaviors, such as eye contact, facial expressions, body postures and gestures. He may have difficulties in initiating and maintaining friendships because of inappropriate social behaviors. He may appear rude or obnoxious to others and at times is left out of social encounters. Unlike adults with autism level 3, who withdraw from other people, adults level 1 often want to fit in but don't know how. The inability to "read" other people's social signals or to display empathy for other's problems leads to awkward social encounters.

14. Speech Patterns— Another feature of ASD is impaired speech. The individual with this disorder may speak in a monotone voice or may speak too loudly and out of place. He may interpret everyday phrases literally. The commonly used phrase "break a leg" will be taken literally to injure one's self. Subtle humor or sarcasm may not be understood or may be misinterpreted. Some individuals display highly developed vocabulary, often sounding overly formal and stilted.

15. Stereotypical Behavior— Grown-ups with this condition often are preoccupied with something to the extreme level. For example, if he likes football, that is all he will talk about--all the time and with everyone. These individuals are also often obsessed with parts of objects. 
 
On another note, they need routines to help them function. They do not like changes in routines, and find them difficult. Other stereotypical behavior in which they engage is body movements; they often flap their fingers, or make complex body movements (e.g., tics).





COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… Did you know your spouse had AS? In many of our cases we did not nor did they. It is a relatively new and ever expanding diagnosis and understanding and every case is slightly different. The things that drew me like a magnet to my husband were and still are the things that make him special. I am no slouch and at the time of meeting my husband I was dating several college young men and they pailed in comparison to his whit, intellect and attention to detail. I was also very glad he was not so stuck on himself like many of the people I was dating. he did not care if he wore the latest fashion, etc. I still am intrigued by his ability to comprehend complex thoughts and frankly living with a "normal" person must be quite boring. Marriage is a 2 way street but not every street has level surfaces and some roads have bumps and pot holes. I am not saying that life is easy living with a spouse with AS but it could be much worse. We have never been without a home, vehicles, jobs, or our needs met. He works hard to provide for his family and himself. He knows his limitations but also knows that he can try and make up for it in other ways. Keep researching and trying to find out if a life with your spouse is right for you. Not everyone can be the strong one or the one who has t take care of the finer details of life. But, be encouraged, at least you now know what is going on and can take whatever steps you both desire to achieve your outcome.
•    Anonymous said… Good luck. Keep trying. Pregnancy was not a big deal for my ASH either. On the good side, It was all about me smile emoticon And... I took care of the children by myself and in my younger years I was resentful but when we had our son I actually was thankful. My children have wonderful memories I made for them. We had bonding time that was ours and ours alone and that is okay by me. My ASH could not nurse the babies anyway, LOL. One good thing is they take things literally. You can say exactly what you need. If I want to celebrate a holiday, I say, "it is important to me to celebrate. I want,,," and say specifically what I want, go out to dinner, gift, party, etc. I had a significant birthday last year. I got exactly what I asked for, like a hand written love note at least 3 sentences. It was beautiful!
•    Anonymous said… I also feel like I'm nagging some, not as much as I used to. I finally got over having my house look a certain way. When I want it neat for more than a few minutes and get frustrated, I have to stop and think of all the things I love about him. We separated for about 9 months. It really helped us both see what was important, and he realized that making a habit of a few chores was important to me.
•    Anonymous said… I find that it is really helpful to communicate with my partner with AS via emails and texts especially about important things to do with our relationship but even about things that I need help with for our baby daughter and around the house. It allows him the emotional and mental space he needs to absorb the information and takes away the feelings of frustration that usually arise for me when I can't seem to get through to him.
•    Anonymous said… I simply can't imagine why anyone would knowingly marry into this. I felt conned. Bait and switch. Three years later and two kids later im so burnt out. All advice is for how the NT partner should walk on eggshells. This is BS. Marriage takes TWO. Where are the articles and advice for the work the aspie partner has to do?
•    Anonymous said… I think my biggest challenge is that my spouse needs constant reminding of what needs to be done. He is not the orderly type of AS, but a really messy one. He just does not notice what needs to be done, because it is not important to him. I do have to state what I feel is the obvious, like please take out the trash, because it really does not bother him if it's setting in his path and he has to walk over it or around it. The constant reminding, which I feel is nagging, gets really old to me. I feel like I am the only responsible one a lot, although less than I used to feel. On the other hand, my husband is very honest and communicative. He does not like tension between us, so he makes sure that we are good and I am not upset with him. We have been married for 21 years and he has matured greatly. I have to say that at the time I married him, AS was not a term, he was just quirky. My friends and family were slow to warm to him, and he to them, so sometimes that was uncomfortable for me, too. He is much more social than he used to be. He has more of a sensor now, so he doesn't blurt out intimate details of our life to everybody anymore, which is nice. He has really great friends and is a really great friend. If you are his friend, he will be your friend for life. He is maybe the most caring individual I have ever met. I have to say that our first 5 years were very trying at times, but I had to change my mindset that an argument wasn't about winning, but it was about understanding where the other person is at. I guess we have both really matured over these years. Now we are parenting two kids, one with AS and the other NT. I am so glad that he is my partner for this ride because he really gets our AS child and is such a great dad to both of our children.
•    Anonymous said… The AS realization came only about two months ago. It explains everything of the past three years. Truthfully, it has been terrible. He did enough at the beginning, and then switched off once I got pregnant. He's blowing off going to therapy of any kind. Thats what gets me most angry. He needs to try. And he should. What I liked about him at the beginning was like an illusion. He's not that person at all. Your words give a glimmer of hope though. Thank you again.
•    Anonymous said… The non AS partner does often reach the point of feeling lonely and neglected, without their partner noticing, which adds to the downward spiral. I am looking forward to hearing of any strategies that couples have found helpful in addressing this. On a positive note, this is a second marriage for both of us, and it has lasted longer than both previous relationships partly because we are aware of AS!
•    Anonymous said… This is so very new to me. I just found out my husband has aspergers and we just got married. I am really struggling with this. On one hand I am very glad I finally understand why I do not have this emotional connection with him but on the other hand I am a person who loves affection and I was just thinking if he could get some counceling from the abuse he had when he was a child then maybe I could get it and now I feel like I will never have it. Though my ex husband cheated on me left and right indo know for a fact my husband would never ever cheat so that is a relief. How did you deal w the loss of affection?

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Social Skills Tips for Adults with AS and HFA

Arranging valuable social skills activities is one of the most critical challenges parents face as their teenager with Aspergers (AS) or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) enters adulthood. Skills like these are important in fostering a sense of independence in the young adult, and a feeling of lasting security for his family members.

The capacity of young adults with Aspergers to care for themselves reflects the need-based education and services they receive as kids and adolescents. With a rich educational background focused on proper behaviors and social responses, many Aspergers grown-ups go on to become contributing members of society with families, social lives, and careers.

Here are some tips for adults with Aspergers and HFA who want to cultivate a few important social skills:

1. Although it is typically your first instinct to talk first, listening can actually be an advantage. A primary benefit of listening is the amount that can be learned. If you spend most of your time talking, then how can you learn anything? One of the best ways to be viewed as more likable is to be a good listener. It’s not always easy, but listening tells others that you are genuinely interested in them as a person.

2. Appropriate social interactions for young adults with Aspergers provide benefits in areas of development that extend beyond building social skills. Group activities improve the capacity for relationships, promote communication, and build solid life skills. These peer-based activities can take place (a) in a setting that is structured for optimal learning, or (b) in a setting that is relaxed and casual for having fun and learning to successfully cope with others.

3. Classes of all kinds provide well-rounded social skills activities for Aspergers adults while teaching them useful abilities that will last a lifetime. Examples of group-based classes include: (a) acting and drama classes; (b) art classes in mediums such as painting, sculpture, or digital design; (c) music lessons that focus on group cooperation; (d) singing, choir, and other ensemble voice classes.

4. In many communities, there seems to be a greater focus on activities for Aspergers kids rather than grown-ups, but there are valuable services for all age groups with Aspergers. If you're looking for suitable activities for an adult with Aspergers or HFA in your life, try speaking with your doctor or local hospital. You can also get out the yellow pages and search for local nonprofit agencies that provide Aspergers services (e.g., parks and recreation services, group-based respite care, employment services that focus on social interaction, Aspergers day programs or camps that feature social activities, etc.).

5. Physical activities provide adults with Aspergers valuable opportunities to exercise. When engaging in group recreational events, these individuals reap many social benefits from exercise and sports activities. For example, (a) gymnastics improve flexibility and muscle tone in a safe, fun, and social environment with adults of similar interests and backgrounds; (b) martial arts help improve motor skills and muscle tone while teaching Aspies how to build lasting social relationships with others; (c) soccer and basketball benefits these young people by teaching them how to cooperate with others in order to reach a specific goal, and it heightens appropriate feelings of social camaraderie and pride; and (d) swimming is a safe and enjoyable social activity suitable for most young Aspergers adults.

6. Recent research examined the effectiveness of the Program for the Education and Enrichment of Relationship Skills (PEERS) for young people ages 18 to 23 with Aspergers and HFA.  The researchers utilized a randomized controlled study design.  The study group utilized the PEERS program administered by parents.  Results were measured via self-assessment and caregiver-assessment. The researchers found that young people who participated in the PEERS program reported “improved knowledge in social skills” and also reported “feeling lonely less frequently.”  Parents reported observing “significant improvements in empathy, social responsiveness, social skills, and spending more time with peers.” The researchers state that the findings suggest that the PEERS social skills training program is an effective instrument in helping young adults with Aspergers develop social skills.

7. Sometimes, the best social opportunities arise from networking. Get together with other families that have older teens and young adults with Aspergers and coordinate activities (e.g., acting or singing competitions, cooking lessons, game night, matinees, park picnics, storytelling, etc.). While it's important to provide structure, it's also a good idea to allow Aspies to relax and enjoy themselves freely.

8. There are plenty of opportunities to show cooperation and teamwork in all areas of life. Whether you are in a crowded store or heavy traffic, cooperation will make the experience more manageable. If you are driving a bit slower than some, move to the slow lane and allow others to pass. If you are grocery shopping, don’t leave your cart in the middle of the isle. By being aware of those around you and showing consideration, you will be more likable.

9. When a young adult with Aspergers reaches the age of 22 in the U.S., the public school system's responsibility for his education and welfare comes to an end. This means that parents and friends must try to discover which social skills activities will most benefit the “Aspie” and fill the vacancy that forms after his education ends. Like kids with Aspergers, adults with Aspergers benefit from a constant reinforcement of the social skills they learned earlier in their lives. To leave this area of life skills unattended may lead to regression, depression, or even health problems.

10. While there are many therapies that are appropriate for young adults with Aspergers, treatment really depends on the Aspie’s response to the diagnosis – and responses can run the gamut from joy to anger and everything in between. Some adults are overjoyed, because finally everything makes sense to them (e.g., why they can't hold a job, keep a relationship, etc.). They have blamed themselves all their lives, but now they have a framework in which to understand their difficulties and their strengths. 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Social-Skills Training for People with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Social skills are the skills we have to get along with others. Often times, we take our social skills for granted without realizing all the complicated skills we use when we interact with family, friends, coworkers, and so on.

Some of these skills are very basic (e.g., saying hello, smiling, making eye contact). Others are more complex (e.g., negotiation, conflict resolution, etc.). Some adults on the spectrum learn social skills easily and quickly, whereas others find social interactions more challenging and may need to work on developing their social skills consciously.

Social skills are important for ASD (high functioning autistic) adults for a number of reasons. Those with good social skills are naturally more popular than their less socially adept peers, which means they have better supports to call on when experiencing difficulties in their lives. Also, well-liked individuals get more “social reinforcement” (i.e., messages from others that they are appreciated and worthwhile), so they tend to have higher self-esteem, which can also help them through tough times.

ASD adults often experience social difficulties, social rejection, and interpersonal relationship problems. Such negative interpersonal outcomes cause emotional pain and suffering. They also appear to contribute to the development of co-morbid mood and anxiety disorders.

Because ASD is an "invisible disorder," often unrecognized by those who may be unfamiliar with the disorder, socially inappropriate behaviors that are the result of autistic symptoms are often attributed to other causes (i.e., people often perceive these behaviors and the individual who commits them as rude, self-centered, irresponsible, lazy, ill-mannered, and a host of other negative personality attributes). 
 
Over time, such negative labels lead to social rejection of the person. Social rejection causes emotional pain in the lives of many adults who have ASD and can create havoc and lower self-esteem throughout the life span. In relationships/marriages, the “inappropriate” social behavior may anger the neurotypical partner/spouse, who may eventually "burn out" and give up on the relationship/marriage.

Educating individuals with ASD, their significant others and their friends about the disorder and the ways in which it affects social skills and interpersonal behaviors can help alleviate much of the conflict and blame. At the same time, the individual with the disorder needs to learn strategies to become as proficient as possible in the area of social skills. With proper assessment, treatment and education, adults with ASD can learn to interact with others effectively in a way that enhances their
social life.

Social skills are generally acquired through incidental learning: watching people, copying the behavior of others, practicing, and getting feedback. Most people start this process during early childhood. Social skills are practiced and honed by "playing grown-up" and through other childhood activities. The finer points of social interactions are sharpened by observation and peer feedback.

Children with ASD often miss these details. They may pick up bits and pieces of what is appropriate but lack an overall view of social expectations. Unfortunately, as adults, they often realize "something" is missing but are never quite sure what that "something" may be.

Social acceptance can be viewed as a spiral going up or down. Individuals who exhibit appropriate social skills are rewarded with more approval from those with whom they interact and are encouraged to develop even better social skills. For those with ASD, the spiral often goes downward. Their lack of social skills leads to peer-rejection, which then limits opportunities to learn social skills, which leads to more rejection, and so on. Social punishment includes rejection, avoidance, and other, less subtle means of exhibiting one's disapproval towards another person.

It is important to note that people do not often let the offending individual know the nature of the social violation. Pointing out that a “social skill error” is being committed is often considered socially inappropriate. Thus, people on the spectrum  are often left on their own to try to improve their social skills without understanding exactly what areas need improvement.

Specific Social Skills—

• A momentary lapse in attention may result in the adult with ASD missing important information in a social interaction. If a simple sentence like "Let's meet at the park at noon," becomes simply "Let's meet at noon," the listener with ASD misses the crucial information about the location of the meeting. The speaker may become frustrated or annoyed when the listener asks where the meeting will take place, believing that the listener intentionally wasn't paying attention and didn't value what they had to say. Or even worse, the individual with ASD goes to the wrong place, yielding confusion and even anger in the partner. Unfortunately, often neither the speaker nor listener realizes that important information has been missed until it is too late.

• Actions speak louder than words. If someone's words say one thing but their actions reveal another, it would be wise to consider that their actions might be revealing their true feelings.

• Be alert to what others are doing. Look around for clues about proper behavior, dress, seating, parking and the like.

• Be aware of body language, tone of voice, behavior, or the look of someone's eyes to better interpret what they are saying.

• Find a guide to help you with this hidden language. Compare your understanding of reality with their understanding of reality. If there is a discrepancy, you might want to try the other person's interpretation and see what happens, especially if you usually get it wrong.

• Learn to interpret polite behavior. Polite behavior often disguises actual feelings.

• Look at a person's choice of words to better detect the subtext. ("I'd love to go" probably means yes. "If you want to" means probably not, but I'll do it.)

• Look for clues in your environment to help you decipher the subtext. Be mindful of alternative possibilities. Be observant.

A related social skills difficulty for many with ASD involves missing the subtle nuances of communication. Those with the disorder will often have difficulty "reading between the lines" or understanding subtext. It is difficult enough for most to attend to the text of conversations without the additional strain of needing to be aware of the subtext and what the person really means. Unfortunately, what is said is often not what is actually meant. 
 

Treatment Strategies—

When the social skill areas in need of strengthening have been identified, obtaining a referral to a therapist or coach who understands how ASD affects social skills is recommended. Social skills training usually involves instruction, modeling, role-playing, and feedback in a safe setting such as a social skills group run by a therapist. 
 
In addition, arranging the environment to provide reminders has proven essential to using the correct social behavior at the opportune moment. These findings suggest that adults with ASD wishing to work on their social skills should consider the following elements when seeking an effective intervention. It is important to note that these treatment strategies are suggestions based on clinical practice, rather than empirical research.

1. ASD adults should have a positive attitude and be open to the growth of their social skills. It is also important to be open and appreciative of feedback provided by others.

2. Adults with ASD may want to pick and work on one goal at a time, based on a self-assessment and the assessments of others. Tackling the skill areas one at a time allows the Aspie to master each skill before moving on to the next.

3. According to social exchange theory, people maintain relationships based on how well those relationships meet their needs. People are not exactly "social accountants," but on some level, people do weigh the costs and benefits of being in relationships. Adults with ASD are considered to be "high maintenance." Therefore, it is helpful to see what they can bring to relationships to help balance the equation. Investigators have found that the following are characteristics of highly likeable people: sincere, honest, understanding, loyal, truthful, trustworthy, intelligent, dependable, thoughtful, considerate, reliable, warm, kind, friendly, happy, unselfish, humorous, responsible, cheerful, and trustful. Developing or improving any of the likeability characteristics should help one's social standing.

4. Oftentimes social skills can be significantly improved when there is an understanding of social skills as well as the areas in need of improvement. Reading books on the subject of social skills training can provide some of that knowledge.

5. Adults with ASD can learn a great deal by watching others do what they need to learn to do. They may want to try selecting models both at work and in their personal lives to help them grow in this area. Television may also provide role models.

6. Adults with ASD can use prompts to stay focused on particular social skill goals. The prompts can be visual (an index card), verbal (someone telling them to be quiet), physical (a vibrating watch set every 4 minutes reminding them to be quiet), or a gesture (someone rubbing their head) to help remind them to work on their social skills.

7. Practicing the skills they need with others is a good way for individuals with ASD to receive feedback and consequently improve their social skills.

8. Those who struggle with missing pieces of information during conversation may benefit from developing a system of checking with others what they heard. "I heard you say that. Did I get it right? Is there more?" Or an individual with ASD could ask others to check with them after providing important information. "Please tell me what you heard me say." In this way, social errors due to inattention can be avoided.

9. Visualization can be used to gain additional practice and improve one's ability to apply the skill in other settings. Those who need practice in social skills can decide what they want to do and rehearse it in their minds, imagining actually using the skill in the setting they will be in with the people they will actually be interacting with. They can repeat this as many times as possible to help "over-learn" the skill. In this manner, they can gain experience in the "real" world, which will greatly increase the likelihood of their success.
 

Social skills are like any other kind of skill – they can be learned. How do you know if you need to improve your social skills? 
  • Do you wish that you had more friends but don't know how to go about making them?
  • Do you think of yourself as a 'loner'?
  • Do you feel like there's nobody to turn to when you need support?
  • Do you often feel uncomfortable around other people?
  • Do you find it hard to know what to say sometimes?
  • Do you consider yourself a rather shy person?

If you answered yes to any of these, then you may benefit from working on your social skills. The following is a list of basic social skills. Take note of any areas where you might need improvement. We will be discussing each of these areas in greater detail in subsequent posts.

Here are the simple skills involved in conversing and interacting with people on an everyday basis:
  • Basic politeness (e.g., saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, saying ‘hello’ and ‘good-bye’, etc.)
  • Making frequent eye contact
  • Showing "confident" body language (e.g., an open and direct stance, not fidgeting or twisting, etc.)
  • Showing interest in others (e.g., asking how their day was, how they thought they did on an exam, etc.)
  • Smiling when greeting people and talking

Here are the skills you use when talking to other people:
  • Knowing when to disclose personal information and when not to
  • Listening and showing interest in what the other person has to say
  • Nodding and smiling to indicate that you are following along
  • Small talk or being able to chat about unimportant things
  • Taking turns when talking
  • Using humor

Here are many skills involved in making and sustaining friendships:
  • Approach skills (e.g., being able to go up and start talking to someone who you don't know or don't know well)
  • Sharing decision making (e.g., not always insisting on having one's way but negotiating about what to do, where to go, etc.)
  • Showing appropriate affection and appreciation
  • Maintaining contact (e.g., not expecting the other person to "do all the work" of keeping up the friendship)
  • Being supportive (e.g., showing concern when your friend is having a hard time)
  • Allowing distance and closeness (people need time apart as well as together)
  • Thoughtfulness (e.g., "thinking ahead" about what might be a nice thing to do for your friend)

Empathy means being able to put yourself into someone else's shoes and recognizing their feelings. It is not the same as sympathy or "feeling sorry for someone". Empathy is responding in an understanding and caring way to what others are feeling. Empathic skills include:
  • Being able to recognize what someone else might be feeling in a given situation
  • Expressing concern at others' distress
  • Noticing other people's feelings
  • Showing sensitivity to others' feelings when communicating (e.g., being tactful when making critical comments when criticism is necessary and/or appropriate)

Social interactions do not always run smoothly. Conflict resolution skills include:
  • Assertiveness (e.g., being able to say what you are feeling without being aggressive or getting personal)
  • Negotiation skills (e.g., being able to discuss a conflict calmly and rationally and come to an agreement about a solution)

Principles for learning social skills:
  • Identify the skill you want to learn and specify the actual behavior, the social group, the setting, and the situation.
  • Social skills need to be learned in small steps (and only one or two at a time).
  • Social skills are practiced best in role play situations but are learned best in real-life interactions.
  • As much as possible, get immediate feedback and reinforcement from others.
  • Learning social skills takes time.

Although ASD certainly brings unique challenges to social relationships, information and resources are available to help adults with the disorder improve their social skills. Most of this information is based upon sound clinical practice and research. There is a great need for more research on social skills and ASD in adults. Seek help through reading, counseling, or coaching and, above all, build and maintain social connections.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
 

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