Support &amp; Education for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

If You Have ASD [level 1], You May Be Smarter Than The Average Neurotypical

There are several signs that could mean you’re smarter, as proven by science. What’s even more amazing is that many of these signs seem like some of the traits of ASD-Level 1 and Aspergers.

There are 9 different types of intelligence:

Bodily-kinesthetic (body smart)
Existential (life smart)
Interpersonal (people smart)
Intra-personal (self-smart)
Linguistic (word smart)
Logical-mathematical (number/reasoning smart)
Musical (sound smart)
Naturalist (nature smart)
Spatial (picture smart)

Believe it or not (do your own research if you’re skeptical), very smart people have the following traits. They are:

• Messy

• Lazy

• Cat lovers

• Chocolate lovers

• Shy

• Likely to talk to themselves

• Worriers and over-thinkers

• Very inquisitive

• Sarcastic

• Not interested in fashion

• Cognitively hyperactive

• Night owls

• Forgetful

• Avid readers

Let’s look at each of these traits further. If this sounds like you, you may just be smarter than you’re giving yourself credit for:

1. Are you a slob? Were you taught to feel bad about yourself for being messy, disorganized or unkempt? Studies suggest that the messy desk (for example) of geniuses is linked to their intelligence. Smart people don’t spend much time cleaning and organizing everything; thus, their mind is occupied with more important stuff.

2. Are you lazy? People with high IQ are less active than average people. Do you often get bored if not given a challenging task? Then you just might be a genius. Some of the greatest invention were made out of laziness (e.g., a remote control).

3. Do you favor cats over dogs? Cat lovers are more introverted, open-minded, and more likely to be non-conformists.

4. Do you crave chocolate? People who eat chocolate at least once a week perform better in a range of mental tests involving memory and abstract thinking as compared to the general population.

5. Do you have social anxiety? People who have anxiety are constantly analyzing their environment. Do you often reflect on what is happening, formulate ideas, and process a lot of information at once? This requires a lot of intelligence. Studies support the idea that socially anxious people are generally more intelligent.

6. Do you talk to yourself? Then you might be a genius, or at least you’re an intelligent human being, studies have found.

7. Do you over-think shit? People who over-think a lot are more creative. Worrying comes from an innate ability to imagine vividly. When you catch yourself over-thinking, utilize your creative imagination to discover solutions.

8. Are you highly inquisitive? Smart people are always interested in the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ behind everything. They find themselves asking a lot of questions, reading a lot, and observing everything with curiosity. Do you have a childlike zeal to learn and consume new information? Then you just might be a genius.

9. Are you a smart-ass? Smart people are sarcastic. Smart-ass individuals have a certain wit that implies intelligence. Studies suggest a link between sarcasm and creativity. People who use sarcastic humor are more likely to be intelligent, because it requires more thought.

10. Could you give a shit less about fashion? Smart people don’t care much about fashion. Do you want to spend your time and thinking abilities on bigger issues than fashion? Then you just might be a genius.

11. Are you hyperactive? Smart people have very hyperactive brains. Are you often “stuck” in your own ideas and philosophies? It’s just a sign that you are smarter than the average bear.

12. Are you a night owl? Smart people like to stay up late. Studies show that people who are more intelligent are more nocturnal than their less intelligent counterparts. Recent technological advances make your brain reach for expertise in areas of special interest, and to search for stimulation at night, ignoring the impulse to rise and fall with the sun like your ancestors.

13. Are you scatterbrained? Is your mind preoccupied with thinking about several things at a time? Do you often forget about basic things (e.g., where you put your phone or keys)? Then you just might be a genius. You’re spending your mental energy on the larger things in life.

14. Are you obsessed with reading? Smart people read a lot. Do you love learning about how things work and expanding your horizons? Then you just might be a genius.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

The Deceptiveness of Anxiety

The reason that most people with Aspergers (AS) have chronic anxiety is because anxiety can be so deceptive. If you are the type of person with high-anxiety, you are constantly getting fooled into believing that there’s something to be afraid of in the absence of real danger.

Fear is when you’re afraid of something and you know what it is, anxiety is when you’re afraid of something but you don’t know what it is.

A lot of people with AS have panic disorder, social phobia, a specific phobia, OCD, or generalized anxiety disorder.

Those who have generalized anxiety disorder get deceived into thinking they are about to be driven mad by constant worrying.
Those with OCD get deceived into believing that a terrible calamity is in the near future.
Those with a specific phobia (e.g., the fear of elevators) get deceived into believing that they’re going to be trapped.
For those with social phobia, they get deceived into thinking that other people are looking down on them and will humiliate them.
Panic disorder causes people with AS to get deceived into thinking that they’re about to die or go crazy.

Anxiety is deceiving because when we feel discomfort we get tricked into treating it like a real threat. But as the rational part of your mind knows, discomfort is not dangerous. When there is true danger at hand, we either freeze up, run, or fight back. If the threat looks faster and stronger than you, you may freeze up. If the threat looks stronger than you - but slower - you may run away from it. If the threat looks weaker than you, you may fight back. If people are your source of major “discomfort” - but your body gets tricked into believing that certain individuals are truly “dangerous,” you will either argue with them (fight), avoid them (flight), or be intimidated by them (freeze).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Your natural instinct to protect yourself is what leads you to get deceived by anxiety. So, why haven’t you been able to see the pattern of repeated episodes of anxiety that never actually lead to the feared outcome? Since your worst-case scenarios never come to fruition, why don’t you gradually lose your unreasonable anxiety around those scenarios? There’s several reasons why.

You took protective steps - and there was no disaster. Therefore, you started believing that these steps that you took “saved” you from disaster. But these steps that you take that save you from disaster also cause you to worry more about the next dangerous episode. It convinces you that you were very vulnerable and must always protect yourself.

The real reason you didn’t experience a disaster is that such disasters are not part of fear or phobia. We are talking about anxiety disorders, not disaster disorders. You get through the experience because the experience isn’t actually life-threatening. But, it’s justifiably hard for you to recognize that at the time. You may be more likely to think that you just had a “narrow escape.” And this leads you to redouble your self-protection steps.

It’s the self-protection steps that actually maintain and strengthen the deceptiveness of anxiety. If, for example, we think we just escaped a disaster because we went back and checked the stove 10 times, then we’re going to continue to feel vulnerable and continue to feel the need for self-protection. When this happens over and over, we are going to get stuck in the habit of protecting ourselves by certain means. This is when chronic anxiety gets entrenched into your life.

We think we’re actually helping ourselves, but we’re actually getting tricked into making things worse. That’s how deceptive anxiety is.

For those of us who have chronic anxiety, we have noticed that the harder we try to escape the anxiety - the worse it gets. Thus, if the harder we try the worse it gets, then what we need to do is take another look at the protective steps we’ve been using. With high-anxiety, we’ve been deceived into trying to protect ourselves against something that isn’t dangerous, and this makes our anxiety worse over time.

Let me repeat: the harder you try, the worse it gets. Thus, it would make sense to NOT try so hard to avoid anxiety when it comes. Instead, allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, as uncomfortable as it is. Know that this feeling of "uncomfortable-ness" will be short-lived -- and it will not be life-threatening! Simply allow yourself to feel that emotional pain. Because running from it makes it worse -- it will chase after you and bring out even more fear as you “run for your life.”

==> Strategies for self-care in people on the autism spectrum can be found here...

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Subtypes of Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder: The “Loner”

There are 3 basic subtypes in adults with ASD [High-Functioning Autism]:

The Actor: This individual desires inter-personal relationships with others and has learned enough social skills over time to pass as a “neurotypical” (i.e., he or she can “act” like someone who is not on the autism spectrum).
The Outcast: This individual desires inter-personal relationships with others, but has difficulty finding and maintaining friendships due to a lack of social skills. This person really wants to “fit-in,” but usually gets ostracized from “the group” due to his or her “odd” behavior.
The Loner: This individual does NOT desire inter-personal relationships (except with a very safe/close family member or friend) and could care less about “fitting-in” with “the group.”

In this article, we will look at the “Loner”…

The “Loner” displays a persistent pattern of detachment from social relationships as well as a restricted range of expression of emotions in inter-personal settings. He or she:

(a) almost always chooses solitary activities,
(b) appears indifferent to praise or criticism from others,
(c) has little interest in having sexual relations with a partner,
(d) lacks close friends other than first-degree relatives,
(e) neither desires nor enjoys inter-personal relationships (sometimes including being part of a family),
(f) shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect, and
(g) takes pleasure in only one or two (solitary) activities.

“Loners” often engage in a rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world. They are frequently (but often unintentionally) standoffish, cold and unresponsive, which causes relationship problems. These individuals have trouble expressing their feelings in a meaningful way and may remain passive in the face of unfavorable circumstances.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Because of their lack of meaningful and intimate communication with others, they are not able to develop accurate images of how well they get along with people. Such images are important for the individual’s self-awareness and ability to assess the impact of his or her own actions in social situations.

When the “Loner’s” personal space is violated, he feels suffocated and feels the need to free himself and be independent. He tends to be happiest when he is in a relationship in which his partner or spouse places few emotional or intimate demands on him. It is not “people” per say that he wants to keep away from, but emotions, intimacy, and self disclosure.

As a result, the “Loner” tends to form relationships with others based solely on intellectual, occupational, or recreational activities (as long as these modes of relating do not require the need for emotional intimacy, which the “Loner” will reject).

“Loners” are sometimes sexually apathetic. Many of them have a healthy sex drive, but prefer to masturbate rather than deal with the social aspects of finding a sexual partner. Their preference to remain alone and detached may cause their need for sex to appear to be less than that of those ASD adults who do not have “loner tendencies.”

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Treatment—

Unfortunately, the adult on the spectrum with “loner tendencies” rarely seeks treatment, because her thoughts and behavior generally do not cause her distress. When treatment is pursued, psychotherapy is the form of treatment most often used. Treatment focuses on increasing general coping skills, improving social skills and interaction, communication, and self-esteem.

Because trust is an important component of therapy, treatment can be challenging for the therapist, because autistic adults with “loner tendencies” have difficulty forming relationships with others – including a therapist!

Group therapy is another potentially effective form of treatment, but it generally is not a good initial treatment. Although the “Loner” may initially withdraw from the therapy group, he often grows participatory as the level of comfort is gradually established. Protected by the therapist (who must safeguard the “Loner” from criticism by other members in the group), the “Loner” has the chance to conquer fears of intimacy by making social contact in a supportive environment.

Medication might be prescribed, but usually only if the ASD individual also suffers from an associated psychological problem (e.g., anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.).

Social consequences (e.g., family disruption, damaged relationship with co-workers, loss of employment and housing, etc.) are sometimes disastrous for the “Loner.” Comprehensive treatment, including services existing beyond the formal treatment system, is vital to improve symptoms and assist in recovery. Self-help programs, family self-help, advocacy, and services for housing and vocational assistance supplement the formal treatment system.

==> More information on the traits of Asperger's and high-functioning autism - and how they may impact relationships - can be found here...

More resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

How to Be a Chronic Worrier: Asperger’s Guidelines to Increase Anxiety

As an adult with Asperger’s (high-functioning autism), you are probably an expert in experiencing anxiety. However, if you want to kick your game up a few notches, adopt the “beliefs” listed below. They are guaranteed to move your anxiety to an all new level. [NOTE: This post is meant to be sarcastic.]

Belief #1: You should spend copious amounts of time contemplating all the possible things that might go wrong in any particular situation, or else you won’t be adequately prepared. “What if ________ (fill in the blank) happens?” …should become your new mantra.

Belief #2: Make yourself adopt the notion that you are a “born worrier.” In other words, you “have to worry” because it’s a genetic trait, so there’s no sense in trying to change something that is totally out of your control.

Belief #3: Accept that you are unable to find solutions to most problems, and as such, worrying is the best option.

Belief #4: Adopt the idea that if you let other people know what they do that makes you anxious, they will change their behavior to accommodate your wishes. In other words, feel free to engage in “emotional blackmail” as needed.

Belief #5: Come to understand that if you worry about others, it will show that you care about them. You know how great it feels when you see that someone else is continually worrying about you – right? So, return the favor!

Belief #6: Realize that if you worry about something long and hard enough – it’s likely to happen. Thus, create as many “self-fulfilling prophecies” as possible.

Belief #7: If you “feel” really nervous about something, it must mean that it’s a real threat. Therefore, you SHOULD worry about it – because feelings make facts.

Belief #8: Spend a long time thinking through every aspect of an issue before making a decision, because “spur-of-the-moment” decisions are often deadly!

Belief #9: Be advised that just because something you worried about in the past didn’t happen, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen in the future. As such, “jumping to conclusions” and creating “worst-case scenarios” is highly recommended.

Belief #10: If you unceasingly worry about something (e.g., all day, all night, into the next day, etc.), you may be able to prevent bad things from happening. Increased worry equals fewer unwanted outcomes.

These are all beliefs that will raise your stress-level so high that your nearest competitors will be absolutely blown away. So, go ahead – lead the pack.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

What I’ve Learned About Me: Self-Confessions of an Aspie

I’ve often been accused of being “unsociable.” I don’t mean in the sense that I’m “criminal-minded” or out to get people or do them harm. I mean I tend to feel awkward in social situations, and as a result, I try to avoid some interpersonal encounters.

I’ve discovered that my tendency to be unsociable is a form of extreme self-focus – a preoccupation with my thoughts, feelings and physical reactions. When I talk about being unsociable, I’m referring to three traits that involve a sense of self: self-consciousness, self-preoccupation, and self-evaluation.

I do indeed have difficulty meeting people, initiating and maintaining conversations, deepening intimacy, interacting in small groups and in authority situations, and with asserting myself. I don't take advantage of social situations, never go out on a date, am less expressive verbally and non-verbally, and have little interest in other people. If this makes me unsociable, then so be it.

Part of me truly wants to be more outgoing and approachable, but I’m slow to warm up in social situations. I may go to an event and stay 10 minutes, then leave. I know this is a mistake because I haven’t given myself enough time to “warm up.” If a party starts at 7 p.m., I’ll go at 8 p.m. But showing up late actually works to my disadvantage. I should show up early (maybe at 6:30 p.m.), get used to the surroundings and greet people one-on-one as they arrive, so that by 7 p.m., I’m comfortable.

I have what I call a “small comfort zone.” I have friends and a social network – but it’s a very small circle. I tend to do the same things with the same people again and again, because I feel at ease in a situation I know. I don’t like to try new situations, and I purposely restrict my contacts. I may be at a social function and see someone new I’d like to talk to, but I won’t step-out of my comfort zone.

One of the negative consequences of being this way is that I’m under-employed – stuck in a job that requires less skill than I truly have. I’ve tried to force myself to be more sociable, but I come off as so awkward that it usually backfires in some way. For example, if I’m at a party or event, I think all I have to do is initiate a conversation. But that’s just the first step. I have trouble taking the next steps (i.e., actively listening to the other person, responding to his or her comments, connecting their experience to mine, and so on).

People tend to think of my lack of sociability as a negative trait, but that’s because they don’t understand it. I talk about becoming “successfully unsociable.” It involves realizing that there’s nothing wrong with me. Most people don’t care about me, they care about themselves. It’s very liberating to realize this.

The fact that I’m not very outgoing doesn’t mean my personal achievements are limited. I’m good at what I do and do have a few close relationships. Staying mostly to oneself is not a disorder. I’m ok with me. If I come across as uncaring, selfish, or cold, it’s not my intent. I’m simply reducing my anxiety level. And as I mentioned, part of me does want to be more outgoing, and I’ll continue to work on that. But, in the meantime, I’ll do what I have to do to take care of me. ~ Anthony

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

ASD Traits That Contribute to Relationship Difficulties in Adulthood

We took a poll of 86 women who are in relationships with men on the autism spectrum (level 1). The question was: “What is the #1 trait that your Asperger's partner or spouse exhibits that seems to be the most problematic to the relationship?” Here are their responses:

A sing-song "ohhhHHHhhh" is all I get and that's ONLY because in marital counseling she told him he needs to acknowledge when I'm speaking even if he won't look up from what he's doing. I get the same response for "I like this song on the radio" as I do for "my dad took his life eight weeks ago and I am absolutely distraught." 😢
Although him and I are not married he is the same way. Not with the lack of touch, but in his mind if he has already told me he cares or how he feels (which is never upfront, he beats around the bush and I have to figure it out) he feels like he shouldn't have to say it anymore. Once it’s said, it’s done and time to move on.

Always the same face expression, no emotions, no need for body contact, no sex, extremely stressed when something unplanned happens, he comes first and he always think that everyone works and think like him everyone else are idiots. No friends and always in conflicts without seeing he made something wrong.
Before kids I would have probably answered inflexibility. Once he sees or does things a certain way it is a real struggle to get him to change it. After having two children it is definitely him not automatically putting his children's needs over his own. Parenting is full of self-sacrifice, and he doesn't really have any of that.
Black and white thinking
blaming, he's never wrong, no empathy
Bottling up his emotions until he erupts. His "meltdowns" include irrational thinking, self-sabotage, and verbal insults. They affect the entire family.
Communication
communication and others …also having to be careful what I say (walking on eggshells) in case it's misinterpreted and causes an argument as he's on such a short fuse most of the time.
Communication and special interests!
Communication by far, it goes hand in hand with not expressing any emotions.
Communication issues as well: if he is right, he is right and he will talk my ear off until I agree
Communication, moods, lack of coping skills, lack of empathy, inconsiderate. Sorry that's more than 1!
Completely self-absorbed. I am at the point where I do not know if I can commit to being his "seeing eye dog" anymore. This is unbearable.
Communication and his inability. To respond to urgent important issues.
Constant struggle with depression but refusal to discuss meds.... he’s always right...
Definitely the focus problem. If he's interested in something, it's to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else -- doctor's appointment, bills, promises ... Everything.
denying that I said things to him. So hard to get him to register anything!
Does he always appear rude? Mine does and when I tell him he is being rude he denies it.
Emotional distance and celibacy is going to definitely be my chief concern. It's taking its toll and my fear is that this will be what kills my love for him someday soon. I have always been absolutely, madly in love with this man… But I feel it's slipping away and I am less and less interested every day. As I begin to learn to cope without him, I'm beginning to appreciate the time without him more than with him.
Empathy, lack of support
Foreign communication skills. It's like we speak different languages when we communicate. We truly do not understand each other.
Grumpy/moody!
He doesn't want me to go, and I don't want to. It's just unfolding in front of me. The longer I am ignored and pushed away, the less I find I want to be in a place where I feel ignored and pushed.
he has done so much damage with the things he’s said. things I would never say or type just too vile to repeat. the threat, he’s never touched me but I don't know honestly if that would always remain that way. he pulled a knife on his mother at age 10…
He is most recently spending hours on coin collection. Hours. Lonely
Hiding and lying.
His defensiveness about everything I say and always needing to be right, so fragile
His lack of desire to socialize. He never wants to go out anywhere. Part of it I think is because it doesn't interest him and it's a point of anxiety also I think. It can be very frustrating. Also, communication!
His not acknowledging or caring about others' emotional needs (or at least not showing that he cares whatsoever).
His reactions on the outside not matching the inside & not matching the situation. Ambivalence. Nothing is certain. Nothing is for sure. I'm so busy being baffled not able to process his words or behaviour or being in shock by it that there's no time for life.
I agree about the lack of communication which leads to a myriad of other problems. I finally gave up.
I dunno is the response to everything… and " I forgot!".
I feel totally unloved, not cherished and so unimportant in his life. Not anywhere on his priority list which is a very different thing from the first 2 years together. Pulled me in, fell in love married had kids now lives like a hermit. Totally shut me out!
I get 'yep' and 'ok'. That's about it. Usually punctuating my sentence after every word. Every. Single. Word.
I have a rule now. 2 comments and it is over. The constant comments are defeating for everyone.
I have that rule as well in texting. We also won't text each other in arguments. (Or try to but we are long distance) Doesn't help when we are in person, I’m a sucker for just shutting down and giving in. It's okay to agree to disagree but he sees conflicts as needing to be solved now!
I make more money than him so financially he’s a joke he spends everything he makes
I think loneliness is a major common issue for all of us. Right?
I totally get this. He has used me as a scapegoat for the last few years and had almost ruined my relationship with my mum and his parents because he was so good at hiding/pretending.
I would say irritability/mood swings tied with unsaid expectations I'm supposed to follow
I wrote a letter to my mum recently explaining everything and she now gets it. Such a relief! I'm at the point where I need to decide, knowing that it's not going to change unless he acknowledges stuff, whether I can stay, or if I need more. Take care x
I'm just so done and I only suspect that this is the problem. But he has almost all of the traits.
in the midst of nastiness toward me, he can turn to a child and speak kindly so I KNOW he has a choice in how he speaks.
Inability to accept the situation if he thinks it should be a certain way, stays fixated and festering it which I call spiraling which leads to inappropriate behavior towards me such as name calling, sulking, anger outbursts, silence, melt downs etc.
Inability to communicate on even a basic level about anything.
Increased (now daily) alcohol use and mixing with his other medications leading to constant "forgetfulness", spending 99% of free time with his buddies in our attic or backyard and neglecting the kids (and me too). No affection/ no or little sex.
Inflexibility, there is only his way of doing things, I can say "there is more than one way to skin a deer" but it's his way or the highway. Also obsessed focus he becomes so involved with something and everything else is neglected.
Irritability
Lack of affection, communication.
Lack of affection, empathy, motivation, sex and the fact that I come last all the time.... yep he is definitely aspie :(
Lack of cognitive empathy, but lots of affective empathy, so I get no validation and don't see myself reflected back accurately, but others think he's really helpful and lovely!
lack of communication specifically when he gets so frustrated in an argument that he resorts to verbal attacks such as name-calling (b*tch c*nt stupid ignorant mentally unstable) and threatening (ill have someone cut you, I’ll have your mother deported (she’s been a citizen for 40 years). and it’s not just attacking me it’s my close family members.
Lack of emotion, empathy, communication.
Lack of emotional support, communication
Lack of empathy and real remorse. He repeats the issues then apologizes (does not excuses himself any longer)) but then redoes it in a few days. I have tried making lists and put them on the fridge, we signed agreements in point form and made handshakes, but nothing has worked. Now he just says "I am sorry, I don't know what is wrong with me". Since he has found out he has Asperger he uses it as an excuse to be like a kid, but not in a funny kid way.
Lack of empathy for emotional hurts
Lack of physical intimacy and meltdowns.
Lack of proper communication.
Lack of touch/not realizing that I need to hear he loves me. He says that he married me so obviously he loves me, he shouldn't have to remind me he loves me.
lack of uninitiated loving touch, "shoulding" me all the time and lack of ability to have appropriate, inoffensive social interaction with friends and family
Loads! The one the one that drives me insane. How he can make ANYTHING turn around and to be my fault. Then totally believe it’s all me.
Mine irritated me earlier. He is away working and called to talk to the kids. Youngest is almost 2. She kept saying "daddy" over and over again. He kept asking what and then told her " talk to me". Uhh she IS! That's appropriate for HER age however his response was very inappropriate for HIS age.
Mine is so child-like at times. I long for a true adult relationship.
Mine is the opposite of a lot of women on here I feel.... his unhealthy obsession with sex and seeing me as an object. Not supporting my emotional needs either and inability to hold conversation when it is regarding me and my interests
Name calling is SO hurtful to me too. 😥 The threat to "cut you" worries me. Does he mean "cut you off" financially or have someone physically stab or sever off part of your body?
No need for relationships or emotional connection
No reciprocity so I don't receive stimulation the way I would in order to regulate myself when having regular reciprocated conversation.
Not taking responsibility/blaming equally with not understanding (believing) me about my emotions and also just not getting or reading me and not listening and failing to live up to previous agreements and and and
Oh geez! Your reference to "shoulding" made me smile a knowing smile. I tell my husband all the time "stop shoulding me!" He has stopped using that word but still says "you need to do xyz" and thinks it is not a should!
Oh man, mine changes moods like he changes clothes. We will be having a great convo an hour before we get home. And as soon as we get home it turns into "don’t touch me, I don’t want to be bothered"
Oooohhhh fun, a poll!! I would answer these all day for you if it means we might get you to do a workshop real soon!! Mine is the inability to feel loved through physical validation - holding me in public, caressing me like he feels it instead of it being on his check off list, genuine and sincere touch that is loving and not just a hand on your back sitting there. With this of course is my husband’s asexuality. Thanks for this!
Parenting. Treating a child's inability to cope in a situation where attachment and support is called for as deliberate misbehaviour and handing out punishments.
Playing the victim
Refusing to acknowledge mood instability esp when depression sets in. He sleeps 16 to 20hrs a day and is very hurtful or neglectful when awake.
Right this moment experiencing a meltdown he is refusing to stop and take the medication that helps him to at least stop spiraling 😟
Same here. Why even say sorry when you repeat the same thing over & over again. I can see if the first time you don't understand but when we take time to explain it & you are logical then the next time seems intentional even if it isn't. Agreements just like on Big Bang Theory.
Selfish, inflexible, always others fault, keeps on talking about topics of his interest and not able to understand others not interested in or Listening just for being polite, gets in conflict all the time with others and do not understand his role, communication problems and problems in understanding simple instructions or messages (but you would think he understood until you see he did the opposite of what you said or meant), not being able to understand how you feel or think, fails affection in the relation, quite boring, not being able to hold on schedules, ruining finances, not keeping promises, prioritizing problems (less important more than important), focusing on unimportant than important (Even if you point it), not understanding others body language or understanding things wrongly and wouldn’t get convinced if you try to explain him ( keeps on believing what he himself thinks, kind of paranoid)
Several: 1. Inability to decipher tone in the intended and expressed way. Always assumes I'm being mean or hurtful which leads to shut down and his very hurtful explicit outbursts to hurt me. 2. Attachment to electronic devices. Can't go a second of the day without some device in his hand - which leads to isolation and lack of conversation. 3. Unhealthy addiction to sex and pornographic materials. He said that it’s his means of distraction. I get that - but there are so many other options (read a book, watch tv, talk to me)
so very rigid takes an act of congress to get the slightest change, and he's always right, while I am apparently an emotional troublemaker who is so hard to read. I am by nature on the shy side and pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve
Special interests/collecting/hoarding
Task management difficulties. I worry about how this burden might fall unequally on me as we progress in the relationship.
The inability to communicate.
Tone of voice.
Tough one...lack of communication I guess but there are so many! 😭
Unwilling to take responsibility for behavior

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Does Your Boyfriend Have ASD?

“I’ve been reading about asperger syndrome and high functioning autism recently. I think my boyfriend may have a mild form of it. I’ve looked at all the diagnostic criteria, and I’m not sure he fits in perfectly. But that is hard to diagnose since I’m not a professional. I was hoping someone might point me in the right direction. I’m not sure if this is just some personality issue, or something bigger. But I swear he has some social problems whether it is asperger or not. How can I know for sure what I’m dealing with?”

So, you think your boyfriend may have ASD (high-functioning autism)? Well, here is an informal quiz that may shed some light on the subject:

Does your boyfriend have:

a discriminatory sense of smell and taste
a preference for following instructions and abiding by rules
a tendency to be very literal in his understanding
an ability to see in detail, or an inability to see the whole because of too much detail
an apparent lack of empathy
an extreme sensitivity to touch, textures and pressures, or a need for stronger textures and increased pressure
either an acute sense of hearing or the inability to hear clearly
extensive knowledge about a single topic
inflexible routines
the tendency to care way too much about organizing stuff
the tendency to need other people to provide clear schedules and expectations
trouble describing basic emotions
trouble displaying emotion
trouble figuring what is appropriate in social situations
trouble understanding other people’s emotions

Does your boyfriend find it difficult to:

engage in or understand small talk
maintain eye contact
show empathy and understand of others
speak untruths in order not to offend
understand body language and facial expressions
understand personal space
understand sarcasm, jokes, irony
understand social rules which are not based on logic
understand the complexities of interpersonal relationships
understand verbal communication without corresponding verbal cues (e.g., notes, diagrams)

Is your boyfriend:

anxious by change, spontaneity and unplanned events
experiencing difficulties in comprehending abstract concepts (e.g., formality, spontaneity, fun, anxiety)
experiencing difficulties in coping with the unknown (e.g., new people, new places, new situations)
experiencing difficulties in remembering sequences without prompts (e.g., diary, personal planner, alarm)
obsessed with a special interest, place or person
reluctant to use his own initiative

Are there times when your boyfriend can seem:

thoughtless
self-centered
rude
lost in his own world
eccentric
depressed
disorganized
anxious
aggressive
absent-minded
abrupt

But there are positives involved as well. For example, many people with Asperger’s possess the following traits:

direct, open and honest
excellent memory
high level of vocabulary
mathematical and technical skills
precision and attention to detail

If any of the above sounds familiar, then you may be dealing with a boyfriend on the autism spectrum. Of course, the only way to know for sure is for him to seek a formal diagnosis.

Unfortunately, another fairly common trait of men with ASD (undiagnosed) is “denial” that they may have the disorder. So, don’t expect him to run to their nearest diagnostician for an assessment any time soon.

In fact, it would NOT be surprising if he became offended that you “think” he may have autism. If this turns out to be the case, be prepared for him to get defensive - and possibly blame YOU for any relationship problems the two of you may be facing.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

What To Do When Your "Neurotypical" Wife Resents You

“I’m a 28 y.o. man who was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome at the age of 9. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years married, but almost 6 knowing each other. We have gotten into disputes about every other day where it always comes down to her saying she resents me for being so ‘distant’ and ‘selfish’. She always says it seems like I just don't care about things like she does. I do care and I do worry about things like she does, I just don't show it the same way. She has said to me several times now that she wished she had taken more time when she met me to get to know me more before getting married.

She says it’s not because she wishes she wasn't with me, it’s because she could have made a more informed choice. I am a very laid back person, and I guess that can seem a bit like I don't care, but I am not sure I know how to be any other way. My wife and I grew up in different life styles. I didn't have many friends and I wasn't good in school. She was very good in school, had a lot of friends, and she was forced into an early adulthood because she had to take care of her father growing up. She is a very responsible person. She is my rock and the rock of her whole family. But, she says she is “tired of being everyone's rock,” but feels she has to be because she can’t count on anyone to get things done like she does. Any help in how I should handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.”

Most of the time, a wife’s resentment will show up as something like “you don’t treat me special like you used to” …or “you don’t spend enough time with me” …or “we never have sex anymore” …and so on. If a husband is not spending enough time with his spouse or neglects her (intentionally or unintentionally), then there is some validity to her complaints. Most women become resentful because they realize that their husbands have ceased to be the men in their life that they need.

Routine is the biggest enemy of many marriages. After several years together, the couple gets used to one another and their feelings change. But, it’s the wife (more often than the husband) who can’t accept this change and feels unhappy.

Some wives adjust themselves to what is now the “new normal” (e.g., less sex, less affection, spending less time together, etc.). But, even though the couple in this situation may enjoy a fairly stable, affection-less relationship, the marriage may be slowly falling apart without anyone noticing it.

How can you tell if your wife is actually discontented in the marriage? Here are just a few of the symptoms:

She often appears sad or irritated.
She keeps finding reasons to spend time away from her husband.
It seems as though she initiates arguments over the most petty of issues.
She, too, has lost interest in sex.
It appears that she is looking for reasons to lash out at her husband, even if he hasn’t done anything seriously wrong?

This doesn’t necessarily mean that the wife doesn’t love her man. More likely, she is tired of the routine, the responsibilities, and the never-changing everyday chores and tasks. It sounds like your wife has taken on WAY too much responsibility for things, and is in “burn-out” mode as a result, which isn’t entirely your fault.

This was a choice she has made. You said that she had to be a caretaker as a child. It’s very likely that she brought that trait into your marriage. Thus, my best guess is that she feels more like your mother than your wife.

The truth is that men with an autism spectrum disorder, by virtue of “mind-blindness” (more on that here), have difficulty empathizing and imaging how another person may feel. As a husband, if you have the ability to put yourself in your wife’s shoes (so to speak), you can come up with a pretty good idea regarding what she needs and what may help mend the broken relationship. Thus, as hard as it may be for you as a man with Asperger’s, try to put yourself in your spouse’s position.

If you were your wife, what changes would you like to see? What would you want to work on in the relationship? What would you like to talk about? What issues would you need to address? And so on…

Resist the temptation to continually ask your wife “what’s wrong.” Instead, propose to talk about it. And when you do, talk in an apologizing, caring tone. Your attitude and behavior have an influence, even if your wife is not aware of it – and it better be a calm and reassuring one. Express your support and understanding.

You may not feel like it at all, believing that you are the one who should be comforted. But, your wife is obviously bothered with her emotional state as much as you are. So, even though it’s normal to feel insulted and upset, try to find the inner strength to feel compassion for her.

Keep an eye on your wife. If you don’t see a positive change in her emotional state, consider asking her to go to counseling with you. Most importantly, listen to her with an open mind and heart. And give her time and space to deal with her frustration.

Lastly, maybe you could get your wife to read this piece on resentment.

Best of luck!

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

COMMENTS:

•   Anonymous said… "You Just Don't Understand," by Deborah Tannen; "The New Passages," by Gail Sheehy. Try to not refer to Aspie vs. NT norms. You sound like a normal married couple with normal life circumstances who needs to work things out. Doing so is very much worth it.
•   Anonymous said… I am both you and your wife, lol. I'm on the spectrum and a natural worry-ninja. My very first instinct is that you both need do some work to compromise. (Like we've never heard that before about relationships, lol) You obviously already see her point, which is wonderful. I'm sure there are some great self-help books on how to outwardly appear to care more, probably even for people on the spectrum. Also, I would ask your wife some specific things you could do for her or with her to show you care and want to take some of her stress load. However, as a natural stress-case, I'm taking an experienced guess that your wife is one too. The child that cares for a parent often grows into an adult x10. It's likely she can't stop worrying and stressing and being "the responsible one". I'm sure somewhere inside, she knows that. She'll need to come to terms with that herself, though. And in the meantime, making an effort on your part will help her feel supported and probably help her come to see her own stress-ninja persona. Hope my tiny bit of insight helps.
•   Anonymous said… i can relate... been married almost 49 years... didn't know about Aspergers ( husband ) until about 6 years ago...
•   Anonymous said… I was poured into the same mould as your wife. I also feel a lot like her being married to someone I now know has aspergers. The book Journal of Best Practices was written by a man on the spectrum ( David Finch) and is the best reference I can think of since it is specifically focused on his marriage. My suggestion would be to specify her needs and then strive to meet them- that is a simple as marriage gets. Learn her love language and then begin to speak it to her, but that takes her being able to identify and communicate them to you. There are lots of books on love languages, too 😊. We really do speak different languages and just your efforts to learn hers will help her begin to feel cared about. Those of us who have cared for others really need to feel cared about in return. Best to you both.
•   Anonymous said… I'm in the same boat, I fear that my family feels like I don't care about anything I have a very difficult time expressing my emotions. I'm very laid back but I can't handle chaos. I have been told buy my husband that I'm "cold" and "heartless" of course that's far from accurate. I've been seeking mental guidance and my husband has been trying hard to understand me so far things seem okay
•   Anonymous said… Keep up the good work. My hubby now knows me better than I know (or understand) myself! Sometimes we need to forget our dx and simply share how we see and feel. Works for us. I'm Aspie by the way.
•   Anonymous said… lol I see a psychiatrist regularly it's helped a lot. I've been trying to get my husband to go with me, but he won't.
•   Anonymous said… Mental guidance sounds ominous and a bit spooky - hope you are not camouflaging ?
•   Anonymous said… Seriously, have your wife read this book. My wife and I were having serious communication problems in our marriage and she read this book and actually highlighted portions that were important to her, then I read it again, paying particular attention to the highlighted portions. It made a huge difference in our communication issues and our marriage. Rudy Simone - 22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome
•   Anonymous said… sometimes I have noticed when people try to put their methods on me, I respond with opposition. I feel that a shared task or a delegated one should allow for autonomy. some people have higher levels of perfectionism. I sometimes get ocd about stuff needing to be done a certain way. I also have ocpd, which takes a long time to do anything. so for me, that can mean that I do can decide to avoid something if I know it will take more time than I have to accomplish it. which is bad. clutter piles up. I am hiring a professional organizer to help me figure out how to solve this so it doesn't haunt me forever. I have also noticed that when I am focused on something, my awareness of time goes right out the window. hours can pass by and it feels like short bursts of time. I have rarely ever seen things the way others around me do -but I greatly appreciate understanding how others see things. when people will communicate in detail, often I can adapt closer to a compromise. when people expect me to read their mind -failure is maximized. I was required to raise my 6 younger siblings. my mom had 3 jobs, my father lost his job became depressed and shut out responsible things. you only get to be a kid once. there are no redos. maybe ask how she thinks you are when she knows you care about things. everyone always has things to learn about other people. life is not supposed to be without need to expand thinking. I have learned I cannot see things how other people do -so I cannot settle for taking things "how they are" because I might not see them from big picture
•   Anonymous said… Sounds like she doesn't understand what is required of her to be the wife of someone on the spectrum. It sounds like she's saying she regrets getting married. Time to kick her to the curb for both your sake.
•   Anonymous said… Sounds like she is a nurturer who has takes care of everyone else at the expense of her own needs. She needs to find ways to meet the needs she feels arent being met. Find friends , support groups, hobbies , church , get out and enjoy nature, go to a spa . Things that will nourish her soul and help meet whatever she feels is lacking. One person can never fill all of someone else needs and shouldnt be expected to. Right now she may be hyperfocusing on you to meet her needs and once some of that pressure is off it will be easier as a couple to work on some things to develope better communication and closeness.
•   Anonymous said… sounds like wife needs some emotional support and care / self-care
•   Anonymous said… Sounds like she's the one with the problem to me??
•   Anonymous said… Try asking her some questions about her day. Ask her what she would like to do on the weekend. If she feels she's doing everything and your going off into your own world etc maybe she's wanting som focus on her and her interests.?? Help her with dinner, get in and do things together. It's very easy for people on the ASD not to notice things going on around them, and they tend to be focused on their interests. It's not being selfish, it's just how they are. So many make her your interest? Hope that helps?
*   Anonymous said... I have not started dating yet, but I often read these because I don't want to make the same mistake these men did. When I do eventually get married, I want my eventual spouse to let me know how she feels by telling me. Unless I'm not told about it, how will I be able to adjust my behavior? I may have Aspergers, but I'm also a full-grown man who will need to take responsibility for his own decisions. Having the same routine can get boring, so I do want to do different things

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Signs That Your Neurotypical Wife Is Becoming Bitter: Tips For Husbands on the Spectrum

If you are a husband with ASD (high functioning autism) who is married to a neurotypical (i.e., non-autistic) wife, you know that marriage is not always a walk in the park.

When the honeymoon phase disappears, and your wife starts to get frustrated with some of the symptoms you have that are associated with the disorder, there are bound to be disagreements.

But, when disputes and friction start to overshadow the positive aspects of the marriage, there is a bigger problem looming: BITTERNESS.

How can you differentiate between (a) day-to-day, normal instances of irritation and (b) signs that your wife is becoming bitter?

Bitterness builds up over time. Similar to rust, it silently eats away at the marriage. Once bitterness enters the picture, a fair amount of damage has already been done. Due to the damaging effects bitterness can have on the marriage, it’s important to recognize the signs that your wife is becoming bitter.

There are so many Asperger’s traits that can become sources of bitterness (e.g., perceived lack of intimacy, lack of empathy, problems with equal distribution of chores, lack of desire for sex, issues with friends or other family members, differences in social preferences, etc.) that it can be nearly impossible to go back and “fix” the problem(s) once bitterness has taken root. In any event, it's up to you and your wife to pinpoint the source and work on it together through open, honest communication.

Here are some signs that your neurotypical wife is feeling bitter about something:

1. An Increase in Heated Arguments— It's one thing to have day-to-day disagreements that naturally crop up in a marriage. But, when arguments become more frequent and intense, you should take time to evaluate whether something deeper is at play. If the arguments are now becoming a way for both parties to seek revenge, and things are said that are doing real damage, then the problems are clearly worsening – and even more bitterness is likely bubbling over. “Mean-spirited” arguments are a sign that the two of you are no longer engaging in communication, but have built up walls to shut the other person out.

2. Depression— All marriages have moments of sadness (e.g., dealing with job loss or the death of a loved one). But, full-blown depression is a different animal, and can mean any number of things. If your wife is feeling depressed as a direct result of her bitterness — and the hurts have piled up over time — that is a sure sign that you on well on your way to a divorce (unless you become proactive).

3. More Time Spent Apart— Withdrawal is a natural response to feeling bitter. If your wife is spending more and more time away from home, or is now sleeping in the other bedroom, then you can rest assure that bitterness is taking root.

4. No Affection— If you and your wife used to show affection, but you notice that the hugs and kisses are scarce nowadays, this is a “red flag.” It is a sure sign that the level of bitterness has escalated to the point where one or both of you has simply left the relationship in an emotion sense (even though the two of you may still be living in the same house).

5. No Anniversary Celebration— Spouses are supposed to support one another, so it can be a big slap in the face if the two of you don't show enthusiasm about celebrating your wedding anniversary anymore. It‘s extremely heartbreaking when one of the spouses “forgets” the anniversary – or even worse, when he or she consciously knows it's the anniversary, but purposely will not celebrate it. Events that were once important to both of you – but are now met with a lack of enthusiasm – it is a sign of bitterness and resentment.

6. No Hope— Your wife may have temporarily felt helpless back in the day, yet believed that there was a way to salvage things. However, now she has moved from helplessness to hopelessness. Hopelessness has much more of a feeling of gloom, because the wife becomes convinced that things will NEVER ever get better. If the two of you can't look ahead to the future with a sense of excitement for what's to come, it's a sign that there is some major bitterness revealing itself.

7. No Sex— Withholding sex can be a form of revenge for a series of perceived slights. Refusing to be intimate as a result of bitterness widens the gap between each of you and is a sure sign that the end may be in sight (unless there is an intervention of some kind).

If you've noticed any of these indicators in your marriage, then seeking professional help is greatly needed. The deeper the bitterness – and the longer your wife has experienced it – the less likely counseling will “save” the marriage. Seek the assistance of a professional counselor who is experienced and trained to help couples affected by autism spectrum disorders. The sooner you get assistance, the sooner you can limit further damage and begin to see what can be salvaged.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples: