Are you an adult with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's? Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you struggling emotionally, socially, spiritually or otherwise? Then you've come to the right place. We are here to help you in any way we can. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile...

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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query thinking. Sort by date Show all posts

Why Your Spouse on the Autism Spectrum is Depressed


"Why is my husband [Asperger's] depressed all the time? Is depression part of the disorder? He doesn't talk much nowadays and seems to have very little quality of life in general. What can be done to help him? We haven't been getting along well for quite a while."

This is not surprising - and is a very common occurrence with people on the autism spectrum. My experience has been that these ASD individuals who are depressed a lot have been under pervasive, chronic stress over a long period of time.

Depression very rarely causes anxiety, but prolonged anxiety always causes depression. It's physically and emotionally draining to be under the influence of stress hormones 365 days-a-year ... a steady drip-drip-drip of adrenaline, noradrenalin, cortisol, Cortizone - all the stress chemicals wears-and-tears on them until it negatively affects their mood in the form of depression.

Feeling like a failure in the marriage is another major contributor to depression in males on the autism spectrum. They really want to please their wife (seriously, they do) but haven't figured out how to do this on a consistent basis. Being on the receiving end of what feels to him like chronic complaints about his "lack" slowly sucks a lot of self-esteem out of him, which reinforces his negative belief that he is indeed a social failure.

So, to work on the depression would be simply treating a symptom. It would be much better to treat the cause - which is anxiety! And the main cause of anxiety is the ASD individual's faulty belief system - and associated negative self-talk. 

So in treating people with depression, I’m looking at the thinking errors they have about themselves (and the world in general), along with the destructive  inner-monologue and commentary those thinking errors generate, AND the resultant self-fulfilling prophesies that often occur (i.e., believing in something negative for so long that it eventually becomes a reality).

The cycle often looks similar to this:
  • "I never get it right. So, I'm in a constant state of either trying harder or simply giving up"  [thinking error].
  •  "Trying harder and/or giving up doesn't fix my problems [anxiety], and is wearing me out" [depression].
  • "Things will just get worse from here on, I guess" [setting up a self-fulfilling prophesy].

On a related note, your Asperger's husband would benefit greatly from our ongoing men's group (diagnosed with ASD, or otherwise). In these groups, we take a deep dive into the issues of anxiety, depression, thinking errors, social skills, building self-esteem, and much more.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum...

If You Have ASD [level 1], You May Be Smarter Than The Average Neurotypical


There are several signs that could mean you’re smarter, as proven by science. What’s even more amazing is that many of these signs seem like some of the traits of ASD-Level 1 and Aspergers.

There are 9 different types of intelligence:
  1. Bodily-kinesthetic (body smart)
  2. Existential (life smart)
  3. Interpersonal (people smart)
  4. Intra-personal (self-smart)
  5. Linguistic (word smart)
  6. Logical-mathematical (number/reasoning smart)
  7. Musical (sound smart)
  8. Naturalist (nature smart)
  9. Spatial (picture smart)

Believe it or not (do your own research if you’re skeptical), very smart people have the following traits. They are:

•    Messy
•    Lazy
•    Cat lovers
•    Chocolate lovers
•    Shy
•    Likely to talk to themselves
•    Worriers and over-thinkers
•    Very inquisitive
•    Sarcastic
•    Not interested in fashion
•    Cognitively hyperactive
•    Night owls
•    Forgetful
•    Avid readers

Let’s look at each of these traits further. If this sounds like you, you may just be smarter than you’re giving yourself credit for:

1. Are you a slob? Were you taught to feel bad about yourself for being messy, disorganized or unkempt? Studies suggest that the messy desk (for example) of geniuses is linked to their intelligence. Smart people don’t spend much time cleaning and organizing everything; thus, their mind is occupied with more important stuff.

2. Are you lazy? People with high IQ are less active than average people. Do you often get bored if not given a challenging task? Then you just might be a genius. Some of the greatest invention were made out of laziness (e.g., a remote control).

3. Do you favor cats over dogs? Cat lovers are more introverted, open-minded, and more likely to be non-conformists.

4. Do you crave chocolate? People who eat chocolate at least once a week perform better in a range of mental tests involving memory and abstract thinking as compared to the general population.

5. Do you have social anxiety? People who have anxiety are constantly analyzing their environment. Do you often reflect on what is happening, formulate ideas, and process a lot of information at once? This requires a lot of intelligence. Studies support the idea that socially anxious people are generally more intelligent.

6. Do you talk to yourself? Then you might be a genius, or at least you’re an intelligent human being, studies have found.

7. Do you over-think shit? People who over-think a lot are more creative. Worrying comes from an innate ability to imagine vividly. When you catch yourself over-thinking, utilize your creative imagination to discover solutions.

8. Are you highly inquisitive? Smart people are always interested in the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ behind everything. They find themselves asking a lot of questions, reading a lot, and observing everything with curiosity.  Do you have a childlike zeal to learn and consume new information? Then you just might be a genius.

9. Are you a smart-ass? Smart people are sarcastic. Smart-ass individuals have a certain wit that implies intelligence. Studies suggest a link between sarcasm and creativity. People who use sarcastic humor are more likely to be intelligent, because it requires more thought.

10. Could you give a shit less about fashion? Smart people don’t care much about fashion. Do you want to spend your time and thinking abilities on bigger issues than fashion? Then you just might be a genius.

11. Are you hyperactive? Smart people have very hyperactive brains. Are you often “stuck” in your own ideas and philosophies? It’s just a sign that you are smarter than the average bear.

12. Are you a night owl? Smart people like to stay up late.  Studies show that people who are more intelligent are more nocturnal than their less intelligent counterparts. Recent technological advances make your brain reach for expertise in areas of special interest, and to search for stimulation at night, ignoring the impulse to rise and fall with the sun like your ancestors.

13. Are you scatterbrained? Is your mind preoccupied with thinking about several things at a time? Do you often forget about basic things (e.g., where you put your phone or keys)? Then you just might be a genius. You’re spending your mental energy on the larger things in life.

14. Are you obsessed with reading? Smart people read a lot.  Do you love learning about how things work and expanding your horizons? Then you just might be a genius.

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

Understanding the Mind of Your Partner with ASD

"I'm currently dating a guy who is diagnosed with Asperger’s. I don't know much about this condition. How can I understand the way he thinks? We are definitely not on the same page most of the time. I need to know more about this and how it could affect our relationship."

There are several traits associated with ASD (high-functioning autism, or Aspergers) that can have an effect on how the relationship develops (not all negative, of course). People with the disorder typically have underdeveloped areas in the brain that cause problems in communication, focusing on “the real world” as opposed to becoming absorbed in their own thoughts and obsessions, learning appropriate social skills and responses, and understanding the thoughts and feelings of others.

They are often extremely literal in their interpretation of others’ conversations, and have difficulty recognizing differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of what others’ say (e.g., they may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally).





For some people on the spectrum, learning social skills is like learning a foreign language. They may have difficulty reading non-verbal communication that “typical” people learn without formal instruction (e.g., not understanding the appropriate distance to stand from another person when talking, how to tell when someone does not want to listen any longer, how to interpret facial expressions, etc.).



These individuals are usually highly aware of right and wrong - and will bluntly announce what is wrong. They tend to recognize others’ shortcomings, but not their own. Thus, they may come across as insensitive, selfish, or rude.

They tend to need routine and predictability, which gives them a sense of safety. Change often causes stress, and too much change can lead to a meltdown or shutdown. Changes that are stressful for them may include (a) starting a new routine (e.g., having to go a different route to work due to construction), (b) having a different supervisor at work, (c) having to do things in a different order, or (d) major changes to their environment (e.g., when a wife rearranges the furniture without consulting the Asperger's husband first).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Routines and predictability help them remain calm. Your boyfriend's thinking is likely to be totally focused on only one or two interests, about which he is very knowledgeable. Many people on the autism spectrum are interested in parts of a whole (e.g., space craft, computers, insects, drawing highly detailed scenes, designing houses, astronomy, and so on). Your boyfriend's brain is likely to be obsessed by his interest. Thus, he may talk only about it, even when others are carrying on a conversation on a different topic.

People with ASD tend to notice details rather than the “whole” picture. The importance of the detail prevents them from understanding the bigger picture, so instructions may get lost in their focus on a single detail. Also, multiple instructions are extremely difficult for these individuals to retain and follow.

They are not able to access their frontal cortex or prefrontal lobe efficiently, so they must call on social skills from their memories. If a particular social skill has not been taught to them as a child, they won’t have it as an adult.

Therefore, imagination, conversation, and other people’s points of view cause them great difficulty. They may be unable to realize consequences outside their way of thinking. Also, they may not be able to recognize when someone is lying to them or trying to take advantage of them.

Frustration and resultant anger often occurs due to over-stimulation of the senses or a change in routine. It is often the only response they know. Difficulty with anger-control can present problems in relationships. They tend to view things in black and white terms, which may result in angry outbursts when they don’t get their way, or when they feel threatened or overwhelmed.

Some people with ASD bottle-up anger and turn it inward in the form of depression, never revealing where the problem is. Many are perfectionists, reacting with anger when things don’t go the way they had hoped.

One of the most difficult thinking patterns of people with Asperger's is mind-blindness, which is the lack of ability to understand the emotions, feelings, motivations and logic of others. Unfortunately, some of these individuals don't care that they don’t understand! Thus, they may behave without regard to the welfare of others. Many will only change their thinking or behavior if it is in their own interest to do so. Even then, convincing the person with ASD to change his mind may be an uphill battle.




Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Click here for more information on how your partner with Asperger's or high-functioning autism thinks...

Men With ASD: What Potential Partners Need To Know

Should you date a guy with Autism Spectrum Disorder?

In no way am I suggesting that one should avoid having a relationship with a man on the autism spectrum. However, if you are in the early stages of a relationship with one (or are contemplating getting into one), then you need to know a few things ahead of time.

Unconventional people have always existed, but ASD isn't always recognized as a possible cause of odd behavior in adults. Even though ASD Level 1 is on the high end of the autism spectrum, it can be mild (causing only somewhat curious behavior) or severe (causing almost complete inability to function in society without some assistance). 

Adult on the spectrum (similar to children with the disorder) have trouble deciphering the normal rules of society, which impacts their home, work and social lives. They often have high intellectual functioning – but diminished social abilities (e.g., they may use peculiar speech and language, seem egocentric, lack the ability to read non-verbal cues, lack social skills, have limited or unusual interests, follow repetitive routines, appear clumsy, etc.).



Some of the things you can expect to see from a man with ASD may include the following:

1. He usually prefers a structured life with well-defined routines. He may become agitated or upset when these routines are broken. For example, if he normally eats breakfast at 8 a.m., he may become agitated when asked to eat at an earlier time. However, unlike a person with classic autism (Level 3), the person with ASD Level 1will probably be able to keep his frustration in check. 

2. The individual with ASD may be reluctant to initiate conversation and require prodding to talk to you at all, especially if he is already engaged in a favored activity when you try to initiate conversation. 

3. Because a man with ASD typically struggles to understand emotions in others, he misses subtle cues (e.g., facial expression, eye contact, body language, etc.). As a result, he may appear aloof, selfish or uncaring. He may simply lack the social or empathetic skills to effectively manage romantic relationships.

 ==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

4. Because he tends to be a literal thinker, the autistic may have trouble understanding social metaphors, teasing or irony. 

5. He may be unable to think in abstract ways. He may be inflexible in his thinking, unable to imagine a different outcome to a given situation than the one he perceives. This rigid thinking pattern makes predicting outcomes of situations difficult. He may develop strict lifestyle routines - and experience anxiety and distress if that routine is disrupted. To avoid such disruption, he may keep extensive written to-do lists or keep a mental checklist of his plans.

6. The autistic may have difficulty interacting in social groups (e.g.,  he may choose inappropriate topics to discuss in a group setting or find making small talk difficult or even annoying).

7. The individual may demonstrate unusual non-verbal communication (e.g., lack of eye contact, limited facial expressions, awkward body posturing, etc.). He may speak in a voice that is monotonous or flat, and may engage in one-sided conversations without regard to whether anyone is actually listening.



8. He may have obsessive tendencies that manifest in many different ways (e.g., insisting all of his books be lined up in a certain order on the shelf, or that the clothes in his closet are categorized by color, style or season). Obsession with categories and patterns is a common symptom of the disorder.

9. The man's focus on just one or two areas of special interest often leads to a lack of interest in alternate topics and the unwillingness to listen when his partner is speaking. Such poor communication skills can lead to problems in relationships. The person with ASD may talk incessantly about topics that others have no interest in. His thought patterns may be scattered and difficult to follow and never come to a point. Speech patterns may have a strange cadence or lack the proper inflections. And, he may have difficulty understanding humor and may take what's said too literally.

10. Unlike an adult with classic autism, a person with ASD Level 1 wants to fit in with others. However, social and work-related difficulties can cause anxiety, anger, low self-esteem, obsessive compulsive behaviors, and depression. He may feel disconnected and distant from the rest of the world.

==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA 

11. While a high-functioning autistic man often has above-average intelligence, he may process information more slowly than normal, making it difficult to participate in discussions or activities that require quick thinking. He may have trouble with organization and seeing the "big picture," often focusing on one aspect of a project or task. Also, he may be rigid and inflexible, making transitions of any type highly difficult.

12. Other symptoms of ASD include:
  • outstanding memory
  • inability to understand other perspectives
  • inability to empathize
  • highly focused in specific fields of interest often to the exclusion of other pursuits
  • great musical ability
  • follows strict routines
  • difficulty regulating emotions
  • difficulty managing appropriate social conduct
  • black and white thinking
  • appears overly concerned with his own agenda
  • a tendency to be "in his own little world"

Again, this is not an attempt to discourage anyone from developing a relationship with a man on the spectrum. And it should be noted that, while this article focuses on the areas of potential problems for man-woman relationships, there are many more positives associated with the disorder than negative. Below are just a few examples.

Many men with ASD also demonstrate the following characteristics:
  • work hard
  • will not go along with the crowd if they know that something is wrong
  • talented 
  • smart
  • respect authority 
  • prefer talking about significant things that will enhance their knowledge-base rather than “shooting the bullshit”
  • perfectly capable of entertaining themselves
  • notice fine details that others miss
  • not inclined to steal
  • not bullies, con artists, or social manipulators
  • honest
  • have no interest in harming others
  • gentle and somewhat passive
  • exceptional memories
  • enjoy their own company and can spend time alone
  • don’t take advantage of other’s weaknesses
  • don’t play head games
  • don’t discriminate against anyone based on race, gender, age, etc.
  • child-like innocence 
  • amazingly loyal friends 
  • adhere unvaryingly to routines
  • accepting of others
  • able forgive others

Unfortunately, in counseling couples affected by ASD, I've discovered that in some cases, all the positive traits in the world do not make up for the autistic man's (a) difficulty in understanding his lady's emotions and (b) lack of displayed affection. If those two things are missing, it's usually a huge disappointment (and sometimes a deal-breaker) for his lady, regardless of all the assets associated with the disorder.

==> More information on relationship problems with your Asperger's (or high-functioning autistic) partner... 


 

12 Tips to Feel Empowered: Advice for People on the Autism Spectrum


Understanding, embracing, and celebrating different ways of thinking and doing can release the true power of the ASD mind. Many people on the autism spectrum are better equipped than NTs in the following areas:

  • Absorbing and retaining facts
  • Attention to detail
  • Concentration
  • Deep focus
  • Logical thinking ability
  • Memorizing and learning information quickly
  • Observational skills
  • Thinking and learning in a visual way
  • Thoroughness 
 

You have great things to offer, and with that, I offer you the following tips for empowerment:

1. Anything that you’re willing to do - that most people are not - gives you an enormous advantage in life. 

2. Before you are able to be good at something, you must first suck at it. 

3. Everything great involves sacrifice - and includes some sort of cost.

4. Everything sucks "some" of the time. A few things suck "all" of the time. That's the life experience for ALL people - not just you.

5. Get off your ass and discover what "feels" important to you.

6. Find a problem you care about - and start solving it. The feeling of "making a difference" is ultimately what’s most important for your own joy.

7. Find those one or two undertakings that are bigger than yourself - and bigger than those around you. It’s not about some huge accomplishment, but merely finding a PRODUCTIVE way to spend your limited time here on Earth.

8. Nothing is pleasurable or uplifting all of the time.

9. To achieve great things, you must go against the herd mentality. 

10. Welcome "feels of embarrassment." Feeling stupid is part of the path to achieving something important and meaningful. The more a major undertaking freaks you out, the more you should be doing it.

11. What determines your resiliency is how you ride out the inevitable rotten days.

12. Yes, you're "wired differently," but neurotypicals have their own wiring problems - make no mistake about it!



Happy Holidays, Mark Hutten, M.A.


Resources: 

 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Are you thinking about dating a man with Autism Spectrum Disorder?

Are you thinking about dating a man with Autism Spectrum Disorder?

What you need to know as a neurotypical woman:

Social and emotional interaction can be complicated for people with ASD.  Although they are thought to have "high-functioning" autism, they still have social problems (e.g., they don’t contribute as much socially; they have trouble understanding or interpreting nonverbal language; they tend not to share their emotions as frequently).

Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for a person with ASD to be in a close/intimate relationship. There are some things you will have to consider to help the relationship work. 

Here are a few tips:

Understand that some people with ASD can be brutally honest (e.g., One young lady asked her man, “Does this dress make my butt look big?” ...and he replied, “No more than usual”).

Tell him how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. He probably does not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.

Romance can be puzzling to an ASD man, but you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary, and that it makes you feel good.

Remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have ASD (if you do, ask if he understood, and then explain what you meant – otherwise, he might be hurt by what you said or just be confused).

Don’t expect a relationship along normal lines. Whether you can get a suitable relationship going depends on a lot of things (e.g., patience, tolerance, clear thinking, knowledge, independence, strong self-confidence, adaptability).

Don’t be alarmed if he is confused by romantic gestures (e.g., hugging or kissing). Educate him by explaining what the gestures mean.

Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.

Learn about ASD and how they are different interpersonally.

If your ASD man talks in a confusing manner (e.g., talks in riddles or uses complex vocabulary, doesn’t answer your questions directly), ask him for more clarification.

If he has certain quirks (e.g., doesn’t like talking on the phone or sending emails), understand that it may be related to his disorder. Confront him about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.

Ease your guy into large social situations (e.g., parties, group outings). Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you, he might prefer being alone or with a smaller crowd.

Don’t assume he is uninterested, incapable of feeling love, or selfish just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and becomes less confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it will be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.


Note: There are a lot of positives that come with ASD. So, know that it is a "mixed bag" of challenges and strengths when you enter this dating arena.


Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development

==> Pressed for time? Watch these "less-than-one-minute" videos for on the go.

The Deceptiveness of Anxiety

The reason that most people with Aspergers (AS) have chronic anxiety is because anxiety can be so deceptive. If you are the type of person with high-anxiety, you are constantly getting fooled into believing that there’s something to be afraid of in the absence of real danger.

Fear is when you’re afraid of something and you know what it is, anxiety is when you’re afraid of something but you don’t know what it is.

A lot of people with AS have panic disorder, social phobia, a specific phobia, OCD, or generalized anxiety disorder.
  • Those who have generalized anxiety disorder get deceived into thinking they are about to be driven mad by constant worrying.
  • Those with OCD get deceived into believing that a terrible calamity is in the near future. 
  • Those with a specific phobia (e.g., the fear of elevators) get deceived into believing that they’re going to be trapped. 
  • For those with social phobia, they get deceived into thinking that other people are looking down on them and will humiliate them. 
  • Panic disorder causes people with AS to get deceived into thinking that they’re about to die or go crazy.



Anxiety is deceiving because when we feel discomfort we get tricked into treating it like a real threat. But as the rational part of your mind knows, discomfort is not dangerous. When there is true danger at hand, we either freeze up, run, or fight back. If the threat looks faster and stronger than you, you may freeze up. If the threat looks stronger than you - but slower - you may run away from it. If the threat looks weaker than you, you may fight back. If people are your source of major “discomfort” - but your body gets tricked into believing that certain individuals are truly “dangerous,” you will either argue with them (fight), avoid them (flight), or be intimidated by them (freeze).

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

Your natural instinct to protect yourself is what leads you to get deceived by anxiety. So, why haven’t you been able to see the pattern of repeated episodes of anxiety that never actually lead to the feared outcome? Since your worst-case scenarios never come to fruition, why don’t you gradually lose your unreasonable anxiety around those scenarios? There’s several reasons why.

You took protective steps - and there was no disaster. Therefore, you started believing that these steps that you took “saved” you from disaster. But these steps that you take that save you from disaster also cause you to worry more about the next dangerous episode. It convinces you that you were very vulnerable and must always protect yourself.

The real reason you didn’t experience a disaster is that such disasters are not part of fear or phobia. We are talking about anxiety disorders, not disaster disorders. You get through the experience because the experience isn’t actually life-threatening. But, it’s justifiably hard for you to recognize that at the time. You may be more likely to think that you just had a “narrow escape.” And this leads you to redouble your self-protection steps.

It’s the self-protection steps that actually maintain and strengthen the deceptiveness of anxiety. If, for example, we think we just escaped a disaster because we went back and checked the stove 10 times, then we’re going to continue to feel vulnerable and continue to feel the need for self-protection. When this happens over and over, we are going to get stuck in the habit of protecting ourselves by certain means. This is when chronic anxiety gets entrenched into your life.

We think we’re actually helping ourselves, but we’re actually getting tricked into making things worse. That’s how deceptive anxiety is.

For those of us who have chronic anxiety, we have noticed that the harder we try to escape the anxiety - the worse it gets. Thus, if the harder we try the worse it gets, then what we need to do is take another look at the protective steps we’ve been using. With high-anxiety, we’ve been deceived into trying to protect ourselves against something that isn’t dangerous, and this makes our anxiety worse over time.

Let me repeat: the harder you try, the worse it gets. Thus, it would make sense to NOT try so hard to avoid anxiety when it comes. Instead, allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, as uncomfortable as it is. Know that this feeling of "uncomfortable-ness" will be short-lived -- and it will not be life-threatening! Simply allow yourself to feel that emotional pain. Because running from it makes it worse -- it will chase after you and bring out even more fear as you “run for your life.”

==> Strategies for self-care in people on the autism spectrum can be found here...

 

Understanding the Mind of Your ASD Mate

"My 29-year-old wife was recently diagnosed with autism [level 1]. This is all relatively new to me (although I have recognized some behavior that seemed rather odd to me over the 2 years we have been married). They say that autism is just 'a different way of thinking'. How can I understand the way she thinks? I love her dearly, but we are definitely not on the same page much of the time!"

People with ASD [High-Functioning Autism] have some deficits in the brain that cause problems in certain areas. For example, communication, focusing on “the real world” as opposed to becoming absorbed in their own thoughts and obsessions, learning appropriate social skills and responses, and understanding the thoughts and feelings of others. In addition, they are very literal in their interpretation of others’ conversations, and have difficulty recognizing differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of what others’ say.



Non-verbal communication is particularly problematic in that these individuals have difficulty understanding the appropriate distance to stand from another person when talking, how to tell when someone does not want to listen any longer, and how to interpret facial expressions. Also, they tend to be highly aware of right and wrong – and will bluntly announce what is wrong. They often recognize the shortcomings of others, but not their own. Thus, some of their behavior seems rude or inappropriate (through no fault of their own, in most cases).

Most people on the autism spectrum need routine and predictability, which gives them a sense of safety. Change often causes anxiety, and too much change can lead to a meltdown or shutdown. Routines and predictability help these individuals remain calm.

Other interesting (and sometimes problematic) features of ASD include the following:
  • They notice details, rather than the “whole” picture. The importance of the detail prevents them from understanding the bigger picture, so instructions may get lost in their focus on a single detail.
  • They are not able to access their frontal cortex or prefrontal lobe efficiently, so they must call on social skills from their memories. If a particular social skill was not taught when they were younger, they won’t have it. Thus, imagination, conversation, and other people’s points of view cause great difficulty. 
  • Anger often occurs due to over-stimulation of the senses or a change in routine. It is often the only response they know. Anger-control presents problems, because these individuals only see things in black and white, which can result in offensive behavior when they don’t get their own way or when they feel threatened or overwhelmed. Some bottle-up anger and turn it inward, never revealing where the trouble is. 
  • One of the most difficult thinking patterns for people with Asperger’s is mind-blindness, which is the lack of ability to understand the emotions, feelings, motivations, and logic of others – and not care that they don’t understand! Therefore, they sometimes behave without regard to the welfare of others. The only way some will ever change their thinking or behavior is if it is in their own interest to do so. Even then, convincing them to change their mind may turn out to be an uphill battle.

But, so much for the “bad” news. People on the spectrum also have many positive qualities, for example, most are:
  • smart
  • respect authority 
  • gentle and somewhat passive
  • especially talented in a particular area 
  • amazingly loyal friends 
  • able to adhere unvaryingly to routines
  • honest
  • perfectly capable of entertaining themselves
  • able to remember a lot of information and facts
  • able to notice fine details that others miss

…just to name a few.

Everyone has a mixed bag of strengths and weaknesses. People with ASD are different – but they are not flawed. We need all different kinds of minds – including the autistic mind. The way a person on the autism spectrum thinks should be viewed as a positive trait, which the rest of us can learn from. When our differences are embraced, the positives definitely outweigh the negatives.

One NT husband states, "All Aspies are different. If you want to understand the real person you are married to you must work together to identify the way you both interact and communicate the specifics of your mental functioning and hers. It is not a one way street. Her Aspie traits are highly individual as your non-Aspie traits. Lots of reading and help from counsellors can help both of you work this out."

 

"Tone of Voice" Matters: Tips for Neurotypical Spouses

“When I’m frustrated with my spouse [with ASD], I usually make a concerted effort to not show it. That is, I try to stay calm. But even when I make a neutral comment - something non-threatening - he still says I’m being critical… so that’s when he just leaves the room and does his version of a shutdown. What am I doing wrong here!? Again, I think I’m being (actually pretending) to be calm when I try to discuss our issues with him. We can’t discuss anything anymore!”

What I find most often is that the NT’s tone of voice changes even though she is “trying” to remain calm when approaching her ASD spouse. But unless you are a VERY GOOD actor, your true attitude will “leak out” in your tone (i.e., inflection that seems a bit “off” to the listener).

A MAJOR source of sensory-overload for a person with ASD is voice – especially tone of voice! The individual often analyzes voice-tone first, and then decodes the words used by the speaker later. Any voice inflection by the speaker that remotely conveys a negative attitude (e.g., sarcasm, irritation, criticism, etc.) may be detected - and taken personally.

A negative tone can be offensive to an ASD spouse, particularly if he is not sure why the speaker is using a particular inflection (e.g., “Is she upset with me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Why does she sound mad?”). A loop effect can occur in his thinking process (i.e., mulls over the comment made by the speaker long after the conversation has ended). Anxiety and agitation can increase as he attempts to analyze the motives of the speaker.

What we’re really referring to here is your spouse’s obsessive way of thinking. One of the most troublesome traits of the disorder may be the tendency toward repetitive thoughts (i.e., ruminations).

While the ability toward extreme focus can be a strong point for a person on the autism spectrum, it’s a problem when he can’t shift away from thinking about things that are not of his choosing. Often, the individual gets caught up in worries, dwells on past slights from his NT spouse, ponders his own mistakes, and has problems letting go of past hurts.

 

Resources for couples affected by ASD: 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism




Adults with ASD: Enough with the Negativity!

“I’m so tired of hearing all the negatives about Asperger’s. Those of us with the disorder are often on the receiving end of prejudice – and often misunderstood. It would be nice to hear something positive for a change!”

I agree wholeheartedly. There are significantly more positives associated with ASD (high-functioning autism) than negatives. And the general public does seem to focus on the negative stuff.

For example, people on the spectrum allegedly (a) talk forever without pause about their favorite topic; (b) say things in conversation that are inappropriate, divergent or tactless; (c) respond violently to frustrating situations; (d) fail to read others’ standard body language; (e) are not good at small talk, especially intimate bantering; (f) dislike establishing eye contact; and (g) can’t do things that require social interaction …just to name a few.

The truth is that SOME people on the spectrum have SOME of these traits. To say that ALL "spectrumites" have ALL these traits is just plain stereotyping.



Indeed, there are certain features of ASD (level one) that people with the disorder can use to their advantage. Here are just a few (and there are many more that I could add to the list):

1. Exceptional Global Insights: Many people with ASD possess the knack for finding unique connections among multidisciplinary facts/ideas that allows them to create novel, rational, and important insights that other people would not have reached without them.

2. Rational Decision Making: Their ability to make logical decisions and stick to their course of action without being influenced by impulse or emotional responses enables them to navigate effectively through tough situations without being yanked off-course.
 
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples

3. Internal Drive: Rather than being swayed by social pressure or fears, social convention, or the opinions of others, they can hold firm to their own purpose. Their exceptional ideas often thrive – despite the pessimism of others.

4. Self-Governing Thinking: Their willingness to consider unpopular or strange possibilities creates new options and opportunities that can pave the way for others.

5. Ability to Live in the Moment: The “typical” individual often fails to notice what's in front of his eyes because he’s distracted by social cues or random chitchat. However, the person with ASD tends to truly focus on the sensory input that surrounds him (e.g., he may see the beauty that others miss). In other words, he has achieved the ideal of mindfulness.

6. Intense Focus: Many people with ASD have the ability to focus on one objective over long periods of time without getting sidetracked, which enables them to accomplish large and demanding tasks.

7. Seeing Past the Bullshit: Their ability to recognize and speak the truth that is being "conveniently" ignored by other people is often crucial to the success of a project or business venture.

8. Passion: Many are truly enthusiastic about the things and ideas in their lives. They often take the time, imagination, and energy necessary to master their area of interest – and they persevere even when the going gets tough.

9. Attention to Detail: Their ability to remember and process small details without getting lost or overwhelmed gives them a unique advantage when solving multifaceted problems.

10. 3-Dimensional Visioning: Their ability to employ 3-dimensional thinking gives them a distinctive perspective when designing and creating solutions.

Having a person with Asperger’s in your life can have a profound and positive impact on your beliefs, perceptions and expectations. The person's unique way of thinking is often both refreshing and enlightening.


Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development



COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said…  My 20 yr old son is the MOST amazing person I've ever known. It has been my greatest pleasure, guiding him through life. He makes me laugh, teaches me so many things (ridiculously intelligent) and is always there for me, when I need help (very kind) He's the best guy to hang out with (witty & cool) I wish life was easier for him, and that he could see himself through my eyes, and know how utterly incredible he is.  I adore him, just the way he is...  :)
•    Anonymous said…  My grand girl is amazing ,I love having conversations with her  ❤she always tells me exactly how she feels . and loves a joke or a laugh
•    Anonymous said… Aspergers is not a disability, it's a gift.. Everyone with Aspergers is CONNECTED... Autism was discovered in 1944, around the same time 6 million Jews were slaughtered... Aspergers was discovered in 1981, the same year I was born.
•    Anonymous said… Being married only half a year, you might want to save your post and read it again 40 years from now. Then I think you might have greater understanding of what others have shared. Just a thought...
•    Anonymous said… Boy get this a lot. I'm a mum and drive and been a carer for mum but still get negativities back at me. My children grown fine 2 are autisic and my daughter not. I no I done my self proud but only my kids seen that. I'm aspie.
•    Anonymous said… Having an Aspie in your life may be positive IF they aren’t your spouse or child. The traits that make them special also destroy the soul of the people closest to them. 28 years married to one.
•    Anonymous said… I agree! My 11 yr old is fine his diagnosis Also! But when it's meeting time at school I hear nothing but negativity... 😠
•    Anonymous said… I agree, my 12 year old daughter is fine with her diagnosis!! It does always seem to be the negatives people focus on in life in general. It’s sad.
•    Anonymous said… I am so proud of my daughter. She worked really hard to overcome the obstacles that were preventing her from being able to read and when it finally clicked with her she took off running. Her teachers all brag on her and tell me what an amazing influence she is on the other kids because she actively participates and shows a true joy of learning. She is a natural artist and when given free reign to express herself on her chosen medium (her skin) she makes the most beautiful drawings! She sings, draws, computes, writes stories, wants to be a leader and an activist. She may have some obstacles, but she has many more strengths.
•    Anonymous said… I feel them, especially with all this streotype culture going around while most being so busy therefore not having enough time even for a second subsequently which gets worse there are people poorly educated about people with Autism because they fail to understand that people with Autism have a mind of their own!
•    Anonymous said… I know that my boyfriend is the first man I’ve dated that can communicate with me in a way that really registers with me more than anyone else. When there is an issue, he is direct, spells it out in no uncertain terms and makes sure that I understand what is going on. As I sometimes have difficulties with relationships and communication due to my own psychological issues, I am grateful to him for this blunt honesty each and every time.
•    Anonymous said… I see Aspergers as a blessing and a gift that I wouldn't trade for anything. I love that I'm a Aspie and glad to finally have been diagnosed (at age 53). I have only one purpose in calling my Aspergers a disability and that is to get the medical, mental, and financial, help I need (which I can't get if there is "nothing wrong with me"). The only reason for that is having finally fallen apart (long long term Autism burnout) from having been forced into the life of a neurotypical since my birth.
•    Anonymous said… I see patterns where others see only chaos.
•    Anonymous said… I️ tell no one, and nobody even notices, yet everyone loves my personality and says how funny I️ am to be around. I️ excel at work and have never been reprimanded, The sad truth of it is that had they seen the label instead of the person their opinions would have changed
•    Anonymous said… I truly feel you. I hope in the future there is a dating site strictly for aspies. I think my wasband would sign up.
•    Anonymous said… I'm the same. I struggle in the social side of life (and therefore to get jobs) but once there I ignore all the banter in the staffroom and just get on with the job.
•    Anonymous said… IMO, our world needs people with aspergers. My son is so smart and pragmatic. He's a natural problem solver. Thank God for people like him, because we surely have plenty of problems that need solved.
•    Anonymous said… January 26, 2016. I met the man of my dreams. He definitely has aspergers and was diagnosed at a young age. In his heart he cares about people, wants to be a wonderful, providing husband/stepfather, and he is doing just that. We were married June 4th of this year, he is amazing. I really hate when people stereo type and categorize based on a diagnosis. Everyone is different, just because you had a shitty experience doesn't mean everyone else will and that you should preach that no one should date an aspie.
•    Anonymous said… Like most things in life, I find it's a very mixed thing. On one hand I have frequent nightmares and can get overwhelmed by too much perception coming in all at once.
•    Anonymous said… lol my son is so unique and interesting!
•    Anonymous said… Memory stronger than an elephant
•    Anonymous said… My 12 yr old often astounds me with his knowledge of odd facts and trivia he's absorbed goodness knows where. He also loves the cats and is so loving with them. He has fantastic hand/eye co-ordination. I'm always learning something about their view and take on the world, and their quirks. I feel like I've just scratched the surface and yet I know them the best.
•    Anonymous said… My 17 year old son is amazing! He's our gentle giant!
•    Anonymous said… My 23 yr old is funny, and loves her cats like they were her children. She's really good at ordering bookcases full of books. She can be blunt but very perceptive. Her problem solving often comes in totally from left field, I love that about her.
•    Anonymous said… My DS 12 has an excellent eye for detail. And different ways of solving problems.
•    Anonymous said… My husband has the benefits and I wish I were more like him in some ways. His Aspie traits are minimal but just enough to cause me occasional frustration and loneliness. I only wish he had as much interest in understanding me as I do him.
•    Anonymous said… My husband is amazing! I love him to pieces and think he and my daughter are the greatest things since sliced bread. There are times when it isn't perfect, but what the heck is? Contrast is what makes it all worth it in the end. So many people questioned how I could be with him, given I'm super spiritual and he's a progressive humanist, I tell them plain and simple, "He's the greatest man I've ever met." My aspie has all the traits listed in the second half of the article. I just wish he could apply that single-minded focus to cleaning the house. Lol
•    Anonymous said… My partner displays only 1 out of 10 of your positive traits but displays all of the stereotypical negative traits.
•    Anonymous said… My partner has Asperger's and yes it can be frustrating at times as I'm sure I can be. I wouldn't change a thing about him. To me, he's perfect. I've read some really awful things about how people treat their Aspie partners. My partner doesn't like being bought presents and I was originally offended but why should I or others try to impose their cultural values on him? I think people need to be kinder. 12 years and still going strong!
•    Anonymous said… Negativity comes mostly from people who are in relationship with some one with Asperger...We are on receiving end of it. Maybe it's a gift to the person that has it, but for those around them , I would say that 70-80% of the experience is negative.
•    Anonymous said… People on the outside are quick to notice what is perceived as a difficulty. Try living on the inside.
•    Anonymous said… Same. Mine is 14 and he's determined, clever, thoughtful, pragmatic, money-concious and polite.
•    Anonymous said… Similar for me - once I realised I didn't have to follow the social norms with my partner, I found I liked being free of them myself! We buy each othrr gifts when we want to, we never have to. And the gifts have more meaning now. It's just one positive example.
•    Anonymous said… This is similar to what I said recently, if I had the choice I would choose to be an aspie every time
•    Anonymous said… This proud Aspie can understand my students because I've been therre! And I'm therre every day!
•    Anonymous said… Um, I’m 24 years in, 5 children and yes, some of that has been really hard. But, a definitive diagnosis a few years ago, the right type of counseling and I have come to see that my husbands traits both positive and negative have changed me for the better.
•    Anonymous said… Ummm....There's many wonderful things i can and do say in regard to my friend but nothing positive comes to mind re the moments i understand as Aspergers...but will stay tuned to this post in hope that there is something.

Post your comment below…

Body Language 101: Tips for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

As most of us know, people with Aspergers (high functioning autism) often have difficulty with social skills. A BIG part of this is due to the fact that they have trouble reading body language, which makes it increasing difficult for them to interact with others. The good news is that it’s possible to learn how to read body language through practice and role playing.

Noticing the signals that people send out with their body language is a crucial social skill. A few of us “Aspies” can read it naturally, but most of us are notoriously oblivious. Fortunately, with a little extra attentiveness, you can learn to read body language, and with enough practice it can become second nature.

Body language often encompasses (a) how our bodies connect with material things (e.g., pens, cigarettes, spectacles and clothing), (b) how we position our bodies, (c) how we touch ourselves and others, (d) our breathing, (e) our closeness to - and the space between - us and other people and how this changes, (f) our eyes – especially how our eyes move and focus, and (g) our facial expressions. Being able to “read” body language therefore helps us greatly to understand ourselves better, understand better how people might be perceiving our own non-verbal signals, and know how people feel and what they mean.

The following list will no doubt seem daunting in its entirety. Thus, I suggest just picking a few (3 or 4) to work on (possibly the ones that feel the easiest to implement given your current strengths).

40 Tips for Reading Body Language:
  1. A clenched fist can indicate anger or solidarity.
  2. A thumbs up and thumbs down are often used as gestures of approval and disapproval.
  3. Blinking is natural, but you should also pay attention to whether a person is blinking too much or too little. People often blink more rapidly when they are feeling distressed or uncomfortable. Infrequent blinking may indicate that a person is intentionally trying to control his or her eye movements. For example, a poker player might blink less frequently, because he is purposely trying to appear unexcited about the hand he was dealt.
  4. Clasping the hands behind the back might indicate that a person is feeling bored, anxious, or even angry.
  5. Closed posture involves keeping the obscured or hidden often by hunching forward and keeping the arms and legs crossed. This type of posture can be an indicator of hostility, unfriendliness, and anxiety.
  6. Crossed arms might indicate that a person is feel defensive, self-protective, or closed-off.
  7. Crossed legs can indicate that a person is feeling closed off or in need of privacy.
  8. Dilated pupils mean that the person is interested. Keep in mind, however, that many substances cause pupils to dilate, including alcohol, cocaine, amphetamines, MDMA, LSD and others. Don't mistake having a few drinks for attraction.
  9. If people purposely touch their feet to yours, they are flirting!
  10. If someone mimics your body language, this is a very genuine sign that they are trying to establish rapport with you. Try changing your body position here and there. If you find that they change theirs similarly, they are mirroring.
  11. If someone’s eyes seem focused far away, that usually indicates that he or she is in deep thought or not listening.
  12. Lowered eyebrows and squinted eyes illustrate an attempt at understanding what is being said or going on. It's usually skeptical. This is presuming they are not trying to observe something that's far away.
  13. Lowered heads indicate a reason to hide something. Take note if someone lowers their head. If it is when he is complimented, he may be shy, ashamed, timid, keeping distance from the other person, in disbelief, or thinking to himself or herself. If it is after an explanation, then he may be unsure if what he said was correct, or could be reflecting. 
  14. One of the most subtle cues that eyes provide is through the size of the pupils. While light levels in the environment control pupil dilation, sometimes emotions can also cause small changes in pupil size. For example, you may have heard the phase "bedroom eyes" used to describe the look someone gives when they are attracted to another person.
  15. Open posture involves keeping the trunk of the body open and exposed. This type of posture indicates friendliness, openness, and willingness.
  16. Overly tilted heads are either a potential sign of sympathy, or if a person smiles while tilting their head, they are being playful and maybe even flirting.
  17. Pay attention to how physically close someone is to you. The closer they are, the warmer they are thinking of you. If you move slightly closer to them and they move even closer to you, they probably really like you or are very comfortable around/by you. But this could also mean that they have a special comfort with you, a strong friendship, or they consider you a member of their family. 
  18. People sometimes bite their lips when they are worried, anxious, or stressed. 
  19. People who are rubbing their hands together or somehow touching their own body might be comforting themselves (which means they aren't enjoying the current situation).
  20. People who look to the sides a lot are nervous, lying, or distracted. However, if a person looks away from the speaker, it very well could be a comfort display or indicate submissiveness. Looking askance generally means the person is distrustful or unconvinced.
  21. People with crossed arms are closing themselves to social influence. Though some people just cross their arms as a habit, it may indicate that the person is slightly reserved, uncomfortable with their appearance (i.e., self-conscious and trying to cover it), or just trying to hide something on their shirt. If their arms are crossed while their feet are shoulder width or wider apart, this is a position of toughness or authority.
  22. Personal space is culturally fluid; keep in mind that what is considered close in one country is far away in another.
  23. Pursed lips might be an indicator of distaste, disapproval, or distrust. 
  24. Rapidly tapping fingers or fidgeting can be a sign that a person is bored, impatient, or frustrated.
  25. Slight changes in the mouth can also be subtle indicators of what a person is feeling. When the mouth is slightly turned up, it might mean that the person is feeling happy or optimistic. On the other hand, a slightly down-turned mouth can be an indicator of sadness, disapproval, or even an outright grimace. 
  26. Some cultures believe that looking at someone in the eyes is a sign of disrespect, or is only done with intimate friends or family, so this could explain why someone is avoiding eye contact with you.
  27. Some people may point their feet to the direction of where they want to go or sometimes their interest. So if it's pointing at you, he/she may be interested in you.
  28. Someone that looks down at the floor a lot is probably shy or timid. People also tend to look down when they are upset, or trying to hide something emotional. People are often thinking and feeling unpleasant emotions when they are in the process of staring at the ground.
  29. Someone who brushes their hair back with their fingers may be preening, a common gesture if the person likes you, or their thoughts about something conflict with yours. They might not voice this. If you see raised eyebrows during this time, you can be pretty sure that they disagree with you.
  30. Standing with hands placed on the hips can be an indication that a person is ready and in control, or it can also possibly be a sign of aggressiveness.
  31. The "Okay" gesture, made by touching together the thumb and index finger in a circle while extending the other three fingers can be used to mean okay. In some parts of Europe, however, the same signal is used to imply you are nothing. In some South American countries, the symbol is actually a vulgar gesture.
  32. The V sign, created by lifting the index and middle finger and separating them to create a V-shape, means peace or victory in some countries. In the United Kingdom and Australia, the symbol takes on an offensive meaning when the back of the hand is facing outward.
  33. Tilted heads mean that they are confused or challenging you, depending on their eye, eyebrow, and mouth gestures. Think of how a dog slightly tilts its head when you make a funny noise.
  34. When a person is sitting, feet crossed at the ankles, this means they're generally at ease.
  35. When a person looks directly into your eyes when having a conversion, it indicates that they are interested and paying attention. However, prolonged eye contact can feel threatening. On the other hand, breaking eye contact and frequently looking away may indicate that the person is distracted, uncomfortable, or trying to conceal his or her real feelings.
  36. When a person who wears glasses is constantly pushing them up onto their nose again with a slight frown, this may indicate they disagree with what you are saying. 
  37. When people want to hide an emotional reaction, they might cover their mouths in order to avoid displaying a smile or smirk. 
  38. When someone rests their arms behind their neck or head, they are open to what is being discussed or just laid back in general.
  39. When we meet someone for the first time, their body language, on conscious and unconscious levels, largely determines our initial impression of them. In turn, when someone meets us for the first time, they form their initial impression of us largely from our body language and non-verbal signals. 
  40. While standing, if a person seems to always keep their feet very close together, it probably means they are trying to be "proper" in some way. Sometimes feet together means that they are feeling more submissive or passive.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA


COMMENTS:

Anonymous said... I'm 27 and feeling very frustrated about Love i have had one Girlfriend but still find myself in doubt about Love. Yet I feel something telling me I will love again. I find myself also very out of place, and wondering why I compare myself to a few college friends a few years younger than me who are engaged. Sure their relationships aren't easy I know that but I don't wanna spend the rest of my life alone. I already dealt with that pain of loneliness which is what I hated going through as a child. Personally I also have a hard time asking people for help cause when I was younger during my late teens in high school I was going through an extremely stressful time and whenever I would ask for help from someone I knew they would always say "I'm too busy to hear your problems".  Lastly i'm still trying to get over suppressing my emotions in general. the area I live in doesn't have many people with Asperger's Syndrome and there's only one other person 4 years younger than me with Asperger's and she's far more happier.

Anonymous said... I take too much time to understand what people want and this time is enough to make me feel that the relationship is lost forever. When I was a teenager I thought it was only a phase, but in the last years I was getting tired of it and trying to live only by myself, believing that it was the only way I could live. But Just a few days ago I became aware of asperger and I suffered a lot thinking on how much harm I may have done to people and frustrated of not knowing of asperger before. However I feel as if a new door was open to me and I am trying to understand it better.

Anonymous said... I am 30 years old and I've ever thought that my problems should disappear with time. I am married and a few days ago my wife told me I looked like an autist and I started to remember that many colleagues and friends have told me the same when I was a teenager and I thought they were kiding. After that I started to read about asperger and I feel that I am an asperger, but I don't know what to do. I am reading a lot about it now and it looks like my way of dealing with my asperger was creating a crust to pretend I am normal and believing I will find my way somehow. Now I don't know exactaly what to do, most because I have created a social face that looks very self-centred and it is very difficult to find someone to talk about that. I've have learned how to stabblish casual conversations with people, but I never know how to go further. I suffer a lot and now I am experiencing a sort of relief by knowing what my problem is. If someone want to chat, please contact me here, since I can't find anybody like me around right now and those with who I could talk about that are not near and I have difficulties on reestablishing those relations. 

Anonymous said... I know about smiles and frowns, but the rest just seems like too much. Even if I memorize it, I won't remember it while it's happening. Plus there is so much that involves eye contact. How can I know what they are thinking and feeling when I can't even look at their eyes??

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