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The Male Aspie Brain vs. The Female NT Brain

The differences between Aspergers (high functioning autism) men and neurotypical (NT) women (i.e., women without Aspergers) are not only well-documented, but frequently at the heart of troubled relationships. Experts have discovered that there are major differences in the way Aspergers men’s brains and NT women’s brains are structured and in the way they react to events and stimuli.

Below are the big differences between “male Aspie” and “female NT” brains. Some of these differences have more to do with male vs. female traits, while others have more to do with Aspergers vs. neurotypical traits.

1. Typically, Aspergers men’s brains are about 12% bigger than NT women’s brains. This size difference has nothing to do with IQ, but is explained by the difference in physical size between Aspergers men and NT women. Aspergers men need more neurons to control their greater muscle mass and larger body size, thus generally have a larger brain.

2. NT women typically have a larger deep limbic system than Aspergers men, which allows them to be more in touch with their feelings and better able to express them, which promotes bonding with others. Because of this ability to connect, more NT women serve as caregivers. In fact, often times the NT wife "takes care" of her Aspergers husband in the same way she does her children. The down side to this larger deep limbic system is that it also opens NT women up to depression, especially during times of hormonal shifts (e.g., after childbirth, during a menstrual cycle, etc.).

3. NT women tend to: (a) utilize non-verbal cues (e.g., tone, emotion, empathy, etc.), (b) talk through relationship issues, (c) intuit emotions and emotional cues, (d) focus on how to create a solution that works for the couple, and (e) communicate more effectively than Aspergers men. On the other hand, Aspergers men tend to: (a) be less talkative, (b) be more isolated, (c) be more task-oriented, and (d) have a more difficult time understanding emotions that are not explicitly verbalized. These differences explain why Aspergers men and NT women often times have difficulty communicating.



4. Two sections of the brain responsible for language are larger in NT women than in Aspergers men, indicating one reason why neurotypicals usually excel in language-based subjects and in language-associated thinking. In addition, Aspergers men typically only process language in their dominant hemisphere, whereas NT women process language in both hemispheres.

5. Aspergers men tend to process better in the left hemisphere of the brain, whereas NT women tend to process equally well between the two hemispheres. This difference explains why Aspergers men are generally stronger with left-brain activities and approach problem-solving from a task-oriented perspective, whereas NT women typically solve problems more creatively and are more aware of feelings while communicating.

6. Researchers hypothesize that Aspergers is associated with abnormalities in fronto‐striatal pathways resulting in defective sensorimotor gating, and consequently characteristic difficulties inhibiting repetitive thoughts, speech and actions. Neurotypicals tend not to experience such abnormalities. This might explain why Aspergers men tend to be more obsessive-compulsive than their NT counterparts.

7. An area of the brain called the inferior-parietal lobule (IPL) is typically larger in Aspergers men (especially on the left side) than in NT women. This section of the brain controls mental mathematical ability, and may explain why Aspergers men frequently perform higher in mathematical tasks than NT women.

8. Aspergers men tend to have a "fight or flight" response to stressful situations, whereas NT women seem to approach times of stress by taking care of themselves and their children and by forming strong group bonds. The reason for these different reactions to stress is rooted in hormones. The hormone oxytocin is released during stress in both males and females; however, estrogen tends to enhance oxytocin resulting in calming and nurturing feelings, whereas testosterone (which men produce in high levels during stress) reduces the effects of oxytocin.

9. Aspergers men typically have stronger spatial abilities (i.e., being able to mentally represent a shape and its dynamics), whereas NT women typically struggle in this area. Medical experts have discovered that females have a thicker parietal region of the brain, which hinders the ability to mentally rotate objects (an aspect of spatial ability).

10. Because of the way Aspergers men and NT women use the two hemispheres of the brain differently, there are some disorders that Aspergers men and NT women are susceptible to in different ways. Aspergers men are more apt to have dyslexia or other language problems, ADHD, and Tourette’s. NT women, on the other hand, are more susceptible to mood disorders (e.g., depression and anxiety).

Given these differences, it is easy to understand why Aspie male-NT female relationships take so many odd twists and turns, and why the divorce rate amongst these couples is disproportionately high.



BEST COMMENT:

Anonymous said... As most parents have at this point, I've seen Frozen roughly 1.4 million times. There is one song, "Fixer Upper" that has a line that really annoyed me for a while. "You can't really change him, because people don't really change." As a person who is working at managing my Asperger's and trying to improve my life, that really ticked me off for a while. If people don't really change, than why am I bothering? But in some ways, it is true. Who we are at our core doesn't really ever change. If we are kind, we aren't suddenly going to become cruel. If we are wise (different from smart), we aren't suddenly going to become foolish. At our core, our soul, or whatever you believe, we don't change. It is what we do, our actions based on our core that can change. Really, we all change little by little as we go through life, our experiences causing us to become more and more mature. I have come to believe that what can change is our strength, and that is what allows our behavior to change. Aspies tend to become trapped in familiar patterns and circular thinking. Breaking out of those patterns and thoughts is extremely difficult, and choosing to do so is a harder choice than NTs probably realize. It takes a great deal of strength and commitment to choose to change our aspie behaviors in such a way to improve our lives. I know from my experience, a lot of times it is easier and less anxiety ridden to stay with negative behaviors than to try to make something better, because my aspie brain doesn't like change. But if you can find something to be strong for, some reason to make your life better, you can also find the strength to make those changes. Trust in your self-worth, believe in yourself, know who you are, and you may be surprised at how much strength you really have.

MORE COMMENTS:

• Anonymous...Interesting. I'd love to see an article on Aspie women and NT men!
• Anonymous... Very interesting article, and one I will def sit down and read properly later. I'm NT and my husband is suspected AS, so this got my attention :-)
• Anonymous ...If I was married to someone like my aspie son, I would have divorced him years ago!
• Anonymous...I wish my aspie husband was like my aspie son! No one taught my husband empathy, or the need for it! Nor does he understand intimacy. Ever watch the movie, "Adam"? The scene when the girlfriend was on the phone telling someone that her aspie bf never says, "I love you", and he walks in and says something like I said that before (like saying it once was all that is required)? That is my husband.
• Anonymous...Hmm..I'm curious about the opposite. Aspie female brain vs NT male brain.
• Anonymous ...Very interesting article. My biggest complaint with my husband was lack of communication. When my son was diagnosed 5 years ago I realised that my husband was an undiagnosed aspie. Once I came to grips with that I adjusted my behaviour to suit. This really makes sense when I read the article and our relationship works well now that I have learnt not to take things personally.
• Anonymous...I wish my aspie husband was like my aspie son! No one taught my husband empathy, or the need for it! Nor does he understand intimacy. Ever watch the movie, "Adam"? The scene when the girlfriend was on the phone telling someone that her aspie bf never says, "I love you", and he walks in and says something like I said that before (like saying it once was all that is required)? That is my husband. Aspergers is more common in males rather than females and cause might be structure difference of brain of males and females. According to experts, cause of Aspergers is still a mystery so it is quite difficult to be confident with this fact.
• MrCombustion... My wife has an Asperger's sister and for a few years before her behaviors were described as Aspergers I'd always found her somewhat repellent, with no sense of receptivity or attractiveness, just nothing feminine about her at all, kind of bisexual as though 'she' had female reproductive organs but 'he' had a male brain. Then I noticed articles referring to how MRI studies had shown the Aspergers female brain was very similar to the neuro-typical male brain in terms of it's structure. In other words the hypothesis is that males are more readily identified as Aspergers because there behaviors are odd period, whereas female Aspergers exhibit normal behaviors, normal for an NT male and thus are not detected as being 'odd', especially in these politically correct times where to look into this issue would have one labelled as a misogynistic bigot.
• Anonymous ...i too have aspergers hubby and children,its hard to hear but probably the children will be same when they have an intimate relationship,my 2 daughters both divorced as their partners couls not put up with lack of affection and empathy,
.my hubby has empathy for injured animals ,and daughters the same,they realy dont mean it and cant help it,its why up to 80%of aspergers live alone,and to sarah,we have same ratio female /males in family with a/s,more of the women are alone than the aspie men,just guess N/T,men are not as compassionate as us wives
• Anonymous ... Married to ASD Husband for 34 years, 2 children with ASD. I get my emotional support from my NT son, my friends on social media and my Poodles. I really cannot have friendships. I am married and it would be with married couples but my ASD husband has no desire for real friendships. They stress him out, As he says, I only have so much EMO to go around and I guess he gets more than enough from me. It is a hard life but one I chose, unknowingly, but, nevertheless, one I will stay with. I am a hyper-mom, So yes, I am more of his mom than wife.

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Misunderstanding Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder

ASD awareness is on the rise. However, there is still a lot of ignorance regarding the abilities and mental status of grown-ups with the disorder (high-functioning autism)...

Misunderstanding #1: Adults with ASD Are Unemotional

Adults on the spectrum DO experience emotions. However, the emotions felt by some of them may be less complex than the emotions of typical people. 
 
Also, those ASD individuals who have difficulty with language and social skills may have difficulty expressing emotions in the typical or socially acceptable way. But, this doesn’t mean they don’t have emotions.
 
Misunderstanding #2: Adults with ASD Hate To Be Touched

While it is true that some adults with the disorder may not enjoy physical contact at times, the issue here is not social, but sensory. Many of them have sensory integration issues (i.e., their interpretation of sensory input is abnormal). 
 
Some are hyper-sensitive (e.g., bright florescent lights, high-pitched noises, and certain textures against the skin are intolerable).  And some are hypo-sensitive (i.e., it takes a high level of sensory input for them to notice or react). But this doesn’t mean they never want to be touched by anybody – anywhere – at anytime.

Misunderstanding #3: ASD Is a Disease

While some adults with ASD may have a co-morbid mental health disorder, (e.g., depression or anxiety,) autism itself is not a disease or a mental illness. While the symptoms of the disorder can often be reduced through cognitive and behavioral therapy, it is a neurobiological disorder for which there is no spontaneous remission or cure. However, many adult with high-functioning autism who were diagnosed as children have lost many of their symptoms as adults.
 
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

Misunderstanding #4: If Someone Has ASD , He Must Be a Genius

This misunderstanding was popularized by the movie Rain Man, in which the main character had Aspergers and an extraordinary memory. He could memorize a jukebox play list at a glance and greatly enhance his odds at blackjack by counting cards. 
 
Someone with Savant Syndrome has ability in one of a range of skills, from an impressive memory in a very specific area to genius-level artistic, musical, or mathematical abilities (despite having profound deficits in other areas). About 50% of people with Savant Syndrome also have ASD. However, of everyone diagnosed with the disorder, it is estimated that only 10% have a savant skill.

While these misunderstandings may be true to some degree, the truth is that ASD is such a variable disorder that there are very few assumptions that can be made about any individual just from the diagnosis.
 
 
Understanding Your ASD Partner's Thinking and Behavioral Patterns:
 
 

 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

The Wounded Aspie

This post describes an unfortunate phenomenon involving individuals who think and behave differently (i.e., people with Aspergers and High-Functioning Autism), and as a result, have been misunderstood and mistreated to one degree or another throughout their life. 
 
The mistreatment started as bullying in school, and continues in the workplace (perhaps to a lesser degree). Through years of perceived rejection and ridicule, the Aspergers adult may now feel permanently damaged - psychologically, socially, emotionally and spiritually (which is not the case at all).

Evidence of Being Wounded—

Traits of Aspergers adults who have been wounded by past experiences include the following:
  • acting or feeling as if the abuse is happening all over again
  • angry outbursts
  • decreased interest or participation in certain activities
  • difficulty concentrating
  • difficulty falling and/or staying asleep
  • avoiding activities, places, or people that might be emotionally threatening
  • avoiding thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with past abuse
  • feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
  • inability to have certain feelings
  • intense distress related to internal or external events that remind one of the perceived abuse
  • meltdowns
  • persistent recollections of past abuse
  • recurrent dreams of past abuse
  • thinking that time is short and there is no future

Traits of the Wounded Aspie—

The wounded Aspie:
  • believes that he is misunderstood and unappreciated, a view that is exacerbated by the negative responses he receives from others for his consistent defeatist stance
  • believes that other people interfere with his freedom
  • expects the worst in most things, even situations that are going well
  • experiences control by others as intolerable
  • has a basic conflict concerning his self-worth
  • has to do things his own way
  • is inclined toward anger and irritability
  • is often disgruntled and declares that he is not treated as he should be, yet he is just as likely to express feeling unworthy of good fortune
  • oscillates between self-loathing and entitlement or moral superiority; either side of this oscillation can be projected onto the environment, and the chaotic nature of this experience of self and others often leads other people to avoid or minimize contact with the Aspie
  • views himself as self-sufficient, but feels vulnerable to control and interference from others
  • views others as intrusive, demanding, interfering, controlling, and dominating

How Relationships Go For the Wounded Aspie—

The wounded Aspie is ambivalent within his relationships and conflicted between his dependency needs and his desire for self-assertion. He wavers between expressing hostile defiance toward people he views as causing his problems and attempting to mollify these people by asking forgiveness or promising to do better in the future.

The wounded Aspie is noted for the stormy nature of his interpersonal relationships. He engages in a combination of quarrelsomeness and submissiveness. His affect is sullen, and he engages in both unintentional – and intentional – rudeness. He is resentfully quarrelsome and irritable. He often feels like a victim. 
 

Wounded Aspies inflict a great deal of discomfort on others through the use of their anxiety and emotional symptoms. They can become so destructive in their attitudes and so unable to provide rewards to others that they become socially isolated.

These individuals struggle between their desire to act out defiantly and their awareness that they must curtail their resentment. They engage in grumbling, moody complaints, and sour pessimism. These behaviors serve as both a vehicle for tension discharge (i.e., relieving them of mounting anger) and as a means of intimidating others and inducing guilt (i.e., providing them with a sense of retribution for the wrongs they believe they have experienced). These socially maladaptive behaviors result in inevitable interpersonal conflict and frustration. After a time, the sullen moodiness and complaining alienates others. These individuals are able to sense the exasperation and growing animosity that others feel toward them, and they use their awareness to become even more aggrieved (without corresponding acceptance that their behavior has contributed to the situation).

For these individuals, being difficult, unpredictable, and discontent produces certain rewards and avoids certain discomforts. They can control others by forcing them into an uncomfortable anticipatory stance. People in relationships with wounded Aspies are perpetually waiting for the next struggle, the next grievance, the next round of volatility and carping criticism. Wounded Aspies are able, within their relationships, to trap people into situations wherein whatever they do is wrong. Relating to Aspergers adults who are “wounded” becomes a tense, edgy experience where great caution must be employed to avoid precipitating an angry incident.

Ambivalence in the Wounded Aspie—

Ambivalence is expressed behaviorally by vacillation between negativism/autonomy and dependency/conformity. However, even when conforming, the wounded Aspie tends to be contrary, unaccommodating, sulking, pessimistic, and complaining. Aspies who are wounded will behave obediently one time – and defiantly the next. They will be self-deprecating and express guilt for failing to meet expectations in one situation – and express stubborn negativism and resistance in another. They fluctuate between deference and defiance, between obedience and an aggressive negative attitude. Their behavior will go from explosive anger or stubbornness to periods of guilt and shame.

Anger in the Wounded Aspie—

Anger may be expressed directly or indirectly. Indirect expression of anger can take the form of chronic, seething hostility or sadistic carping criticism. Irritating, oppositional, and resentful behavior can be demonstrative of a pervasive pattern of passive resistance. If there is a pattern of chronic hostility and resistance, no situational provocation may be needed for these individuals to engage in preaching behavior, excusing self by accusing others, bumbling behaviors when competence is actually possible, and using a positive gesture as a vehicle for a negative message (e.g., including relationship grievances in a birthday card).

Anger expressed by commission is usually justified by laudable motives (e.g., concern for the well-being of the victim). The expression of the anger is dictated by the desire to wound while concealing the intention to wound – and even the existence of anger. This is not to spare the feelings of the victim, but to wound them more effectively. The intent is to provoke counter-anger with such subtlety that the victim blames herself and believes her anger is not justified. That way, the wounded Aspie can assume the role of innocent victim.

Affective Issues in the Wounded Aspie—

The wounded Aspie is vulnerable to anxiety, somatoform disorders, and depression. Major depressive episodes are not uncommon. In depressive cycles, there is evidence of a tendency to blame others, a demanding and complaining attitude, and low self-confidence.

Wounded Aspies experience an undercurrent of perpetual inner turmoil and anxiety. They appear unable to manage their moods, thoughts and needs internally, which results in emotional instability. They suffer a range of intense and conflicting emotions that surge quickly to the surface due to weak controls and lack of self-discipline.

Co-occurring Substance Abuse in the Wounded Aspie—

The incidence of co-occurring substance abuse with the wounded Aspie is high. He is prone to use drugs to regulate mood states. It is consistent with his general attitude and belief that he views himself as entitled to an external solution to problems. The drug of choice is a pharmacologic defense mechanism chosen by how well it fits with the Aspie’s usual style of coping and how effectively it bolsters already established patterns for managing psychological threat. Prescribed pain killers, anti-anxiety agents, marijuana, and alcohol are the most commonly used drugs by these individuals.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies in the Wounded Aspie—

Due to mind-blindness, the Aspergers adult does not always understand the motives of others. Unfortunately, when he is impacted negatively by another person’s words or actions (and doesn’t understand why that person would say or do such a thing), he tends to fill in the void with a “negative” (e.g., “she said that to hurt me” …or “he did that because he doesn’t like me”).

Thus, since the Aspie is pretty much in a constant state of “misunderstanding others motives” and subsequently “filling in the void with a negative,” he often perceives himself as being on the receiving end of criticism, disrespect, and downright emotional abuse.

Now that the wounded Aspie feels like a victim, he responds at times with retaliatory techniques, and at other times with isolation and avoidance – both of which often elicit a negative response from others. This negative feedback from others serves to provide proof (in the Aspie’s mind) that “others are out to get me.”

Treatment for the Wounded Aspie—

There are two major ways for the wounded Aspie to enter treatment. The first is externally leveraged treatment for those Aspies who do not see themselves as having a problem. Someone forced them into treatment (e.g., parent, spouse, employer, the legal system). These clients have minimal insight and often fail to admit that they are a major factor in the problems they have.

The second method is to enter treatment via self-referral for vague complaints (e.g., "I'm just not getting anywhere").

When assessing Aspergers adults who are psychologically injured, the following areas should be explored:
  • coexisting anxiety disorders
  • medication evaluations for antidepressants
  • mental status
  • psychosocial and AOD history
  • self-care skills
  • social skills
  • survival skills
  • use of illegal drugs
  • use of OTC drugs

Treatment for these individuals involves openly exploring the ways they express aggression and neediness toward others by being contrary. Understanding this aggression can allow discovery of the depressive and invalidating experiences underneath, which lead to a fear of loss of autonomy when others want to be close and a fear of loss of connectedness when others want to be alone. 
 

Determine which situations or experiences are most difficult for these individuals in the direct expression of their feelings or beliefs. Identify all avoidance and anxiety-arousing situations. Address these issues with anxiety-management behavioral intervention techniques. Cognitive therapy can help these individuals understand that they expect the worst from others and then proceed to behave in such a way that brings out the worst from these same people.

Group therapy provides an opportunity to learn how to manage their hostility. When their hostility emerges, group leaders can comment on hostile behavior and encourage other group members to respond. The group leader can assist these individuals to process what it is they want or need at that moment and to rehearse appropriate behavior within the group context. However, these clients will not do well in group if they refuse to accept responsibility for their hostility and alienate the other group members. When that happens, these individuals often leave or become isolated within the group.

Whether the client is in group or individual treatment, it is important to identify and highlight examples of destructive behavior. Reflect on how the behavior is more maladaptive than adaptive. Give examples of how it creates more problems than it solves. Use illustrations from within the immediate treatment process as these individuals will use oppositional techniques and devalue treatment providers in response to real or perceived criticism.

Self-Healing for the Wounded Aspie—

Psychological healing refers to positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. These sets of circumstances represent significant challenges to the adaptive resources of the Aspie, and pose significant challenges to his way of understanding the world and his place in it.

The general understanding that suffering and distress can potentially yield positive change is thousands of years old. For example, some of the early ideas and writing of the ancient Hebrews, Greeks, and early Christians, as well as some of the teachings of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Islam contain elements of the potentially "transformative" power of suffering.

Psychological healing occurs with the attempts to adapt to highly negative sets of circumstances that can engender high levels of psychological distress, which typically engender unpleasant psychological reactions. Healing does not occur as a direct result of past abuse, rather it is the individual’s struggle with the new reality in the aftermath of the abuse that is crucial in determining the extent to which healing occurs.

People who can heal past wounds, either through formal treatment or self-help strategies, often experience the following:
  • changed sense of priorities
  • greater appreciation of life
  • greater sense of personal strength
  • recognition of new possibilities or paths for one’s life and spiritual development
  • warmer, more intimate relationships

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... My son is experiencing this at 12 and I am doing everything I can to make things better for him. School does not seem to be doing enough or even understand. He complains of being bullied daily (part is him not understanding when kids joke with him and feels bullied). He states he has no friends and upset often, hates school wants to be home schooled. I am looking into trying to get him in autism school. Any suggestions from anyone?

•    Anonymous said... I too have been exploring various schooling options for my 11 year old with AS. I can tell you that multiple sources within the AS support community have told me to try to keep him integrated within a mainstream school population if at all possible rather than moving him to a special needs school. Their rationale was that the real world...college and beyond...is not insulated like these specialized schools, so the transition is that much more difficult. I get the logic...but allowing my child to be bullied and have his self-esteem suffer as a result is not an option. We are currently trying a small private (regular Ed) school...and so far so good. No IEPs...but a kind, tolerant, creative environment. This decision/dilemma is a complicated thing for sure.

• Anonymous...Wow, this article describes one of my Aspies to a "T", and she is only 11 years old. We have struggled for 2 years to get her out of this hole she is in, even with professional help. It is almost like she has PTSD. Any advice for treating a child?

• Anonymous...This article sounds a lot like my 20-year-old Aspie son. We have been trying to teach him to be more independent for the past two years. He simultaneously fights us tooth & nail, refusing to work toward independence, while declaring that he already knows all this stuff and accuses us of thinking he is stupid for thinking he needs to learn it. He is brilliant, but very naive and awkward socially. Despite his declarations to the contrary, he could not take care of himself if he were on his own. He doesn't want a job because "stupid people" with "stupid policies" are everywhere, and he doesn't think he could take working with either. He sees a counselor twice a month and works (begrudgingly) with a state agency to find employment. They have suggested that we should look into applying for SSI for him. I don't want to throw in the towel, but he could get into an independent living program if he had their funding. His father & I are in our fifties and won't be around forever to support him. The longer we wait, the harder the transition will be for him. We ultimately don't want him to arrive at fifty years old, having never left his parents home and having never learned to live without us, and suddenly we are gone and he is left to fend for himself. We wouldn't really be good parents if we let that happen. Any advice from parents who've been through this transition to adulthood with their Aspie children, or from others who have helped Aspies make this transition would be greatly appreciated.

• Anonymous...There is a great deal of overlap between the Wounded Aspie and the narcissist.

• Anonymous...This is has made my jaw drop..its my husband. I've forwarded it to his/our psychologist, my famuly that are personally impacted and worried for me. Thank you so much.
 
*  Anonymous ...This is an absolutely spot on description of our future daughter-in-law and future mother to our grandchild. Our son's 1st wife passed away. She has painted my wife and I as monsters and is causing a lot of division in our family. We don't get to see our grandchild and we hear from others that he is showing signs of depression and that he is even malnourished. Our son just doesn't want to lose another companion. We feel completely helpless.

*   Anonymous... My partner is like what is said here but I do not believe it is because he was wounded. I believe it is because he has autism and they are traits of having autism and NOT from being wounded. I think the person that wrote this has autism. 

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