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From the Perspective of an Autistic Man: The Positives and Challenges of ASD

Hi. My name is Rick. I’m a 23 year old guy on the autism spectrum. These are my observations from a male perspective on how ASD affects daily life (these observations may or may not be true for you):

The Positives—

1. Attention to detail – sometimes with painstaking perfection
2. Can spend hours in the library researching, love learning and information
3. Excellent rote memory
4. Experts say that many people with ASD have a higher than average general IQ.
5. Focus and diligence – The ability to focus on tasks for a long period of time without needing supervision or incentive is legendary.
6. Higher fluid intelligence – Scientists have discovered that people with AS have a higher fluid
intelligence than non-autistic people. Fluid intelligence is "the ability to find meaning in confusion and solve new problems. It is the ability to draw inferences and understand the relationships of various concepts, independent of acquired knowledge.” 
7. Highly gifted in one or more areas (e.g., math, music, etc.)
8. Honesty – the value of being able to say “the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes.”
9. Independent, unique thinking – People with ASD tend to spend a lot of time alone and will likely have developed their own unique thoughts as opposed to a “herd mentality.”
10. Internal motivation – as opposed to being motivated by praise, money, bills or acceptance. This ensures a job done with conscience, with personal pride.
11. Logic over emotion – Although people with ASD are very emotional at times, we spend so much time ‘computing’ in our minds that we get quite good at it. We can be very logical in our approach to problem-solving.
12. Visual, three-dimensional thinking – Many people with ASD are very visual in their thought processes, which lends itself to countless useful and creative applications.
13. We can be very loyal to one person.


The Areas of Challenge—

1. Being "in our own world"
2. Can obsess about having friends to prove we’re “normal”
3. Clumsiness / Uncoordinated motor movements
4. Collect things (in excess)
5. Desire for friendships and social contact, but difficulty acquiring and maintaining them
6. Difficulty understanding others’ feelings
7. Don't always recognize faces right away (even close loved ones)
8. Eccentric personality
9. Flat, or blank expression much of the time
10. Great difficulty with small-talk and chatter  
11. Have an urge to inform that can result in being blunt / insulting
12. Idiosyncratic attachment to inanimate objects
13. Lack of empathy at times
14. Lack of interest in other people
15. Likes and dislikes can be very rigid
16. Limited interests / Intense focus on one or two subjects
17. May have a hard time saying I love you, showing physical affection
18. May have difficulty staying in college despite a high level of intelligence
19. Non-verbal communication problems: difficulty reading body language, facial expression and tone
20. Often are attracted to a woman purely because she is attracted to us
21. Often times, we will make no motions to keep a friendship going.
22. Our attention is narrowly focused on our own interests.
23. Preoccupied with our own agenda
24. Rigid social behavior due to an inability to spontaneously adapt to variations in social situations
25. Shut down in social situations
26. Single-mindedness
27. Social withdrawal / may avoid social gatherings
28. Speech and language peculiarities / early in life, may have a speech impediment
29. Strong sensitivity to sound, touch, taste, sight, and smell (e.g. fabrics—won’t wear certain things, fluorescent lights)
30. Unusual preoccupations
31. We can be distant physically and/or emotionally.
32. We can be obsessive.
33. We can be very critical.
34. We can become quite defensive when our lady asks for clarification or a little sympathy. The defensiveness can turn into verbal abuse (usually not physical abuse) as we attempt to control the communication to suit our view of the world.
35. We find emotions messy and unquantifiable. If our partner tries to share her love for us, we may find her need to “connect” smothering.
36. We need to withdraw and have solitude.
37. We often feel as if our partner is being ungrateful or “bitchy” when she complains about how we are uncaring or “never listen.”
38. We take life too seriously.
39. We takes things too personally.


NOTE: I'm comfortable being who I am. This is why I used the term "challenges" rather than "deficits." I don't look at the 39 observations above as "bad" traits. Rather, they are areas that I will be working on to improve. And we all can improve ...we all have challenges. That's life! I'm going to meet these challenges head-on!! Won't you join me?
 
P.S. You should join Mark's ASD Men's group. It will change your perspective of yourself, I promise!

 
COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said... I was wondering last night how I could get into my son's head so I can get even a glimpse of how he thinks. Rationally I know I have to change my approach but sometimes I feel I have no way to relate. Even though you are a different person I see some of the things you are talking about in my son. I really appreciate you sharing this.
•    Anonymous said... My daughter is the same way.
•    Anonymous said... My son is 16 and has his first girlfriend first friend period and I see a lot of what you’re saying in him I think he likes her because she showed interest but it's been like 2 months and I can see he is not interested in keeping the relationship going like he can't be bothered anymore I'm not sure how to go out talking with him about it and all he says is he doesn't want to talk about it it's frustrating!!
•    Anonymous said... Rick, I love this post. My 15 year old accepted this designation when he was younger but now that he's in his teen years, he's denying it. He has many of the characteristics you name and though at times difficult, I love all the idiosyncrasies. Our "challenge" (a word I use regularly instead of "problem") is getting him to accept himself just the way he is.
•    Anonymous said... Wow I feel better for reading this and all your comments I thought I was a parental alien until now. Others who have no idea don't see what we experience as parents. Sadly I have had to endure so called professionals who cite horrid theories as to why a teen with HFA behaves in the ways stated in the article. That impacts vastly on relationships when you are not believed. My son is amazing being a teen is difficult for any child but for those with HAD it’s a minefield for them and their parents who generally are on the end of their frustrations. Brilliant article am very grateful.

*    Wifie said... Do aspies tend to lye even for the small insignificant stuff?
*    lgspence said... Thank you for this. Love how you see it as challenge and will work on improving. Yes, we all have room to improve. My son is now in college but still working to improve. I am so proud of him! I think these tips will help him clarify his progress and needs.
*    Matt Gardner said... I would add takes high risks other would advoid financial or spiritual. Or Even risk tolerance to high.

Post your comment below…

How To Avoid Driving Women Away After The First Date: Tips For Asperger's Men

“I’m a 29 year-old male with Asperger syndrome. Every time I get a date with a girl, I end up saying or doing something that drives her away. I keep getting told that I am “a geek” – but that “it’s a good thing.” Are girls just telling me this because they are trying to nicely tell me that I am just boring, or are they being sincere. I always thought that “geek” is just another word for ugly and boring? I would like to think that I am an interesting person. I am an accountant that works full-time and also go to school full-time to get some initials behind my professional name. So I definitely see where I am getting my geekiness from. But at the same time, I race motorcycles because I love it. I also have a lot of cool hobbies, and when I'm not working, I'm always outside doing something active and fun. So please ladies, tell me that this geeky aura that I must carry with me is something that compliments me rather than hurts me. I smile and laugh when I hear this, but on the inside it kills me. How can I keep from driving women away after the first date?!”


You sound really defeated here. Stop beating up on yourself!  Here are some ways even an Asperger's geek can get a date with – and keep – a girlfriend:

1. “Act” confident. You don’t have to “be” confident, but you do have to “act” confident. This will make the ladies take you seriously. Ladies think confidence is very attractive. Why would she want to like you if you don’t like yourself?

2. As a geek, you may be tempted to strut your intellectual prowess by lording it over the lady you’re flirting with. Don’t do it! This is an irritating strategy that will backfire.

3. At parties, don't be everywhere your lady is, and don't track her movements. Move around and mingle with some of the other people there.



4. Be a dude who is fun to be around, knows things, and makes the world and the people around him better. You don’t have to be the smartest man on the planet, but be knowledgeable about the world around you.

5. Build your self-esteem if you really want to be less shy. With good self-esteem, you will feel like you are a wonderful person who can have all of the awesome things you deserve. There are lots of ways to do this (e.g., learning a new skill, volunteering for a good cause, etc.).

6. Do NOT stalk your lady’s house, her Facebook page, or any other “personal” space. That is not cool. It will totally freak her out and kill your chances with her.

7. Don’t ask a lady to go out with you if you have nothing to suggest. That’s poor planning and will make you look a bit nerdy. You don’t need some brilliant plan for a first date, just something simple (e.g., go to a movie).

8. Don’t be that man that thinks he can do no wrong and that every word out of his mouth is a revelation.

9. Don’t compare yourself to others. You are unique and cool – and only you can offer the world the amazing things you have to offer.

10.  Don’t forget to find enjoyment in the things that your lady likes, not just show her all the things that you enjoy. If she’s a lady worth dating, she’ll have good taste. Just trust her and let her be your guide on the road to new and fun activities.

11.  Don’t worry about getting rejected. Everyone gets rejected. If someone rejects you, don’t take it personally. It just means that she’s not the right lady for you.

12.  Don't present yourself as Mr. Genius. You probably are very intelligent, and you probably are more knowledgeable than most people about your “special interest.” But, she's probably just as smart - if not smarter - than you in a few areas. If she was really so stupid, you wouldn't want to be with her. Appreciate the things that she knows about, and give her the opportunity to show you those things.

13.  Don't use “pick-up lines.” Just be honest with your lady and say what you're really feeling.

14.  Even though you may be a geek, be a manly caveman between the sheets – ladies like that.

15.  Find female geeks. This isn’t as hard as it sounds. They do, in fact, exist! You can meet female geeks in many of the places you usually go (e.g., the comics shop, local conventions, video game tournaments, etc.). Take a dance class or a yoga class. This will help you make female friends, but it will also get you used to spending time with them very quickly. You can also get online to have an even easier time meeting female geeks.

16.  Find things the two of you have in common. If your lady is geeky, explore your geekiness together to find activities you have in common. If she’s not a geek, find ways that you can introduce her to geeky things she might enjoy. Minecraft or the Sims are easy ways to introduce her to video games. She probably already likes Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. So introduce her to other good fantasy books and movies.

17.  Get to know your lady. Ask her about religion, politics, what she likes to do for fun, her family, where she grew up, etc. However, don’t be demeaning about her answers! Respect her opinion and ideas. She’ll love that.

18.  Go places and do social things that make you feel uncomfortable. With time, you’ll learn that you get through the awkwardness and the discomfort of “risky” social situations.

19.  If you want a lady friend, you’re going to have to know some ladies first. Unless you are a master of asking ladies out, you’re probably going to need to befriend them before asking them out. There aren’t very many women that want to date someone they don’t know at least a little. Meet them at school, while out doing activities (e.g., going to the gym), or even at the supermarket.

20.  If your new lady friend is not a geek, don't ruin it by trying to convert her. Never assume that, deep down, she really must be "one of us" and simply needs to come out of the closet.

21.  Once you’ve met a lady that you think might be nice, hang out in groups first. This will make both of you more comfortable, since you’ll be able to get to know each other and interact without feeling like you’re on a date.

22.  Smile, laugh, and tell jokes! Ladies want to be around men who are fun. They love to laugh.

23.  Take care of yourself and your appearance. Don’t feed the stereotype of geeks not taking care of their bodies. Wash your body and hair regularly, wear clean clothes, and brush your teeth.

24.  The most important thing is to just ask a lady out. Don’t try to get around it or make it seem like something other than what it is. You may feel like you’re about to have a heart attack, but if you ask her straight and act confident, she’ll be much more likely to say, “Sure, l would like to go out with you.”

25.  Want to really hit a home run with your lady friend? Then be a good friend by being supportive when she's having a hard day, helping her take her mind off of her problems, being available for her if she needs help, and listening when she needs to talk.

26.  When asking a lady for a date, don’t do it in public. Asking her out somewhere private will make both of you feel more comfortable. You won’t be so afraid of being rejected, and she won’t feel pressured into saying “yes.”

27.  Work on overcoming shyness. One trick to overcoming shyness is to imagine the worst thing that could possibly happen, and then ask yourself: “Would it really be the end of the world?” It feels bad to experience things that go wrong, but you won’t die. In a few weeks, you probably won’t even remember it. So, try to let go in situations where you’re shy and just enjoy yourself.

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples


COMMENTS:

Ashley said...   It just means that you haven't found a geeky girl to go with. I know my husband dated a few "popular" and "social" girls in high school before meeting me in college. While I am definitely more social than him (he's the Aspie), I'm the one who got the Dr Who art for the living room and painted an 8-bit Mario theme in his office (around his dragon collection). Being a geek IS a good thing, so find someone who appreciates it. I love my husband and wouldn't trade him for someone who could work on cars or someone who would go to more dances with me instead. Not in a million years.

Adrian said...   I disagree with this. I think that being yourself is really important in any relationship, and that includes people with Asperger's. Remember that for everyone out there is someone else just like them, or someone who is compatible with them. They just need to find that person. The key is to be like an antenna for them, to be open for them to come along, but not to actively seek them. If you look for a relationship, then it will never come, or not a good one at least. But if you are simply open to the idea of one, and looking for the clues that one is coming, then you can be happy.


Anonymous said...  I was informally diagnosed when I was 8 years old, back when they didn't have a proper formal structure and for reasons that I have never been told, I was never actually told about it, until I figured it out for myself when I was 18. At a guess, they were trying to stop me from facing discrimination. I was treated for it, but wasn't told what they were treating me for! As such, when I was 18, and first knew about it, I didn't see the need to have it formally diagnosed, and was happy with an informal diagnosis. It was validated by, at a guess, 13 psychiatrists and 15 psychologists, but it was still informal. I did get a full formal assessment eventually, last year, but only because I needed it for a court case. It doesn't actually make any difference to my life to have a formal diagnosis. The only reason to do it was because I was fighting a discrimination lawsuit and their excuse was that I wasn't really autistic and they didn't recognise an informal diagnosis, no matter how many people agreed with it or how long it had been for. So I got a formal diagnosis and won the court case.

Anonymous said... I have a lot of trouble making friends. I always have. I have never had more than 4 or 5 friends at a time and I have never kept them for long. It used to bother me and even make me depressed but I have become more accepting of it as I have got older (I am now 39) and I just know that I am never going to make too many friends. I also found that worrying about it made it worse, so, since I have stopped worrying so much about it it has been a lot better. I don't have any more friends than I had before and they don't last for any longer but at least it makes me happier with them. I appreciate them more than I used to.

Anonymous said... You might be surprised to learn that I have never had any trouble with romantic relationships. As an autistic, I am supposed to have problems, but I never really have really. Compared to most people I know, I have been a lot happier in relationships than most neurotypicals even. I had my first girlfriend when I was 4, long before I was diagnosed, and we were together for 2 whole years before our parents split us up. The next one wasn't until I was 13, but I have had many since then. The reason, at least partially, is because my older sister gave me some really good advice about it, which I checked very thoroughly over a period of several years, and I found it is actually true. I stop trying to be perfect and instead I am just me. You might be surprised how many women out there really love autistic men - they find it attractive. Not all of them do, of course. So I stick to the ones that like it. My current girlfriend, who I am going to marry in a month, is dyslexic, and she has some of the same issues as me. I previously went out with a girl with ADHD, and I have gone out with neurotypicals too. To date I have never gone out with a girl with autism, strange as it might seem. I went on a date with one once but we weren't compatible. That is not a part of what makes a girl compatible with me! It is more their beliefs that attract me - the kinds of things that are important to them.

Anonymous said... On the school front, I was doing badly at school for the first few years before I got diagnosed but since then I have done very well, until university when various political situations arose to stuff me up. It had nothing to do with my schoolwork but everything to do with pressure from family and people at university, to do with them changing the system. Other people went through that problem too, where they couldn't do the degree that they wanted, and some waited, but I just ploughed through and ultimately politics cost me, so I never got a degree, and then at TAFE (like community college for Americans) I had more politics.

Anonymous said... Oh I should add here that school wasn't great for me as I was constantly bullied the whole way through. But, rather than get depressed about it, I tried to work out how to fix it. After watching Karate Kid it inspired me to learn karate, but when that didn't work, I started reading up about martial arts, and learned the theory behind it. I have been in several fights since then and won all of them. I don't know a single move but I know what frame of mind you are supposed to be in when someone attacks you. It works every single time. I have had a whole street gang attack me and come out on top. I could go over how I was able to win in difficult conditions but suffice to say that it is similar to the romantic thing. I never look for a fight, and try to avoid them if I can, but if I have no choice, then I prepare myself for it. I haven't had any fight at all for about 10 years, and the last one was against 10 guys, which I won. The last time I had a fight against just 1 person was when I was 13. I still get picked on and everything but it never leads to physical violence anymore. I think they just kind of know that they wouldn't beat me. I never initiate violence though, nor do I encourage it.

Anonymous said... If I thought that work would be politics free, I was dead wrong, though at least the politics I dealt with at school built me up for it. I finally got a job when I was 26, when I moved to a remote area where it is a lot easier to get jobs. The jobs I had there were full of politics. It was different every time. The most common one was having a girl I worked with like me and me say no to her advances. This was silly of me, as it turns out, as, while people say that "mixing business with pleasure is bad", what they don't say is that saying no to a co-worker gets them wanting to seek revenge. I have also had problems with people feeling jealous of how well I have gone and have tried to sabotage my work. Oh and people who think I am lying when I say that someone is trying to sabotage my work or is upset that I rejected them, and then cause problems for me because they think I am lying! But there have been a myriad of other problems too. Three times I was fired for being autistic. The first time I filed with the Ombudsman and got paid for 6 months for doing nothing before a weird manipulation meant that I won but got $0 and no job out of it, even though everyone else got it, because I got incorrectly added to a group complaint that ultimately didn't apply to me. The second time I filed with unfair dismissal and got a $10,000 payout. The third time I filed with unfair dismissal and got my job back plus a $15,000 payout - though I later quit that job after they just escalated the level of discrimination I was subjected to to inhuman levels and the courts weren't quick enough to deal with it. But it isn't always so obvious either. Last week I was told that I had an "illness" and that I had to be seen by a doctor to prove that I wasn't contagious. After seeing them, I was told that I wouldn't be paid for a month because of it. When I told them that they had to pay me and quoted various laws, they told me I had to work for free for 3 months and then come back part time for another 3 months and promise to take back my requests to be paid or they would fire me. So I told them to pay me by tomorrow or I quit. So they paid me, and "accepted my resignation", even though I hadn't resigned. Everywhere I go I get this discrimination.

Anonymous said... Mind you, I don't get it from everyone. Most people are fine. It is just that the people that do it somehow have a green light to do it and once someone does it they somehow find this way to convince a lot of normal people to discriminate against me by accident. Somehow I come across as dishonest or something. I mean I don't if I am not around a bigot, but when one is around they just convince everyone.

Anonymous said... It can be hard but I guess that it is just as hard for everyone else too, not just for other autistics, but for everyone. I find it is bad to feel sorry for yourself. Or to think that I am worse off than anyone else. It is just different. We each have our own problems. The key, I find, is to have the right perspective. 

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