Are you an adult with High-Functioning Autism or Asperger's? Are you in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum? Are you struggling emotionally, socially, spiritually or otherwise? Then you've come to the right place. We are here to help you in any way we can. Kick off your shoes and stay awhile...

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How do you tell your spouse that he may have ASD?

Many High-Functioning Autistic and Asperger's grown-ups happen to read, hear some information, or be told by a family member or friend about the disorder. Some may believe that the information matches their history and their current situation, and as a result, may self-diagnose.

Others are not so welcoming of the diagnosis. Sometimes family members suspect that their adult child, spouse or sibling has HFA and wonder how to tell them about it.

Professionals, even some who have had long-term relationships with their clients, may realize for the first time that the traits their client is exhibiting are best described by HFA. The professional may be uncertain of the diagnosis, however, if HFA is outside his or her area of expertise. After the question of HFA is initially raised, many grown-ups and their family members wonder, “Should I pursue an 'official diagnosis'?”

For some individuals, doing their own research through books, on the Internet and through support and information organizations, provides enough answers and the best explanation yet of challenges that one has faced and strengths that one possesses. Others want the corroboration of a professional.

A diagnosis is needed to request reasonable accommodations for employment under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Official diagnosis is necessary if one wants to apply for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) or Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI).

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

In addition to those with an MD or PhD, any professional with the credentials and expertise to diagnose any other condition may make a diagnosis of HFA. Such professionals may be social workers (MSW), master’s level psychologists (MA), or other mental health professionals.

Many individuals pursue neuropsychological testing with a neuropsychologist (PhD) or a psychiatrist (MD). As a result of this testing, it may be determined that the individual has HFA, something related to HFA, or something different. This will give a fairly full picture of strengths and challenges and of how one’s brain processes information.

Neuropsychological testing is not required to get an “official diagnosis”. To apply for SSI there must be written documentation in the record from an M.D. or PhD. that there is some type of a psychological issue (not necessarily HFA). There is no requirement of psych testing. The other issues regarding inability to work may be best described by other clinicians.

It is never too late for an individual to increase self-awareness in order to capitalize on strengths and work around areas of challenge. Knowing about HFA gives the individual an explanation, not an excuse, for why his or her life has taken the twists and turns that it has. What one does with this information at the age of 20, 50 or 70 may differ, but it is still very important information to have.

In early adulthood, one may use the information to plot a course through college:
  • Take classes part time (to account for executive functioning/organizational challenges)
  • Request reasonable accommodations at school or at work
  • Possibly live at home (to minimize the number of changes all at once)
  • Plot a career that matches interests and abilities
  • Join interest-based groups (so that socializing has a purpose)
  • A single room to decrease social and sensory demands and to have a safe haven

In middle adulthood, one may use the information to:
  • Ask for accommodations at work, or pursue work that is more fitting
  • Do a life review, understand why careers and relationships have or have not been successful
  • Improve on relationships or pursue better matches

In late adulthood, one may use the information to:
  • Renew and/or repair relationships affected by HFA
  • If possible, customize one's environment to be comfortable and accommodating to the strengths and challenges of HFA
  • Do a life review

Regardless of age, one may use the information to:
  • Work differently with helping professionals (with an emphasis on concrete coaching help, building of life skills vs. insight-oriented therapy)
  • Find people who share similar interests
  • Find other people with HFA with whom to compare notes (in-person or online)
  • Consider disclosure to family, friends, co-workers

 ==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

If you know someone who you think has HFA, should you tell? YES! It is better to know than not to know. If you have HFA and don’t know, it affects you anyway; if you do know, you may be able to minimize the negative impact and leverage the positive. Without the knowledge that one has HFA, one often fills that void with other, more damaging explanations such as failure, weird, disappointment, not living up to one’s potential, etc…

How do I tell an adult that they may have HFA? 

Lead with strengths! Most people with HFA have significant areas of strength (even if this has not been translatable into tangible success). Bring up areas of strength with the person with suspected HFA. Next, point out the areas in which they are struggling. Then, suggest to them that there is a name for that confusing combination of strengths and challenges, and it may be HFA.

Common responses to this information may include:

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE: “If that’s me, it’s you, too!” 

RELIEF: “I’ve always known there was something different about me!”

DENIAL: “I don’t have that.”

ANGER: “How come no one ever told me before? I’ve lost so much time and opportunity not knowing!”

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Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives


Tips for the Socially-Awkward Individual with ASD

Are you unsociable? I don’t mean in the sense that you are “criminal-minded” and out to get people or do them harm. I mean do you feel awkward in many social situations, and as a result, attempt to avoid many interpersonal encounters. If you answered yes, you’ve got plenty of company -- almost half of all adults with Aspergers (High Functioning Autism) consider themselves "unsociable."

Unsociability (to coin the term) in ASD adults, teens, and children is a form of excessive self-focus (i.e., a preoccupation with your thoughts, feelings and physical reactions). When I talk about unsociability, I am talking about three characteristics that involve a sense of self:
  1. excessive negative self-evaluation
  2. excessive negative self-preoccupation
  3. excessive self-consciousness

Although many people on the spectrum of all ages experience unsociability, the effects of it -- from mild social awkwardness to totally inhibiting social phobia -- can have a severe impact on real-life situations (e.g., finding and advancing in a job, developing close personal relationships, etc.). Unsociable people on the spectrum experience difficulty meeting people, initiating and maintaining conversations, deepening intimacy, interacting in small groups and in authority situations, and with asserting themselves.

Those who live with ongoing unsociability don't take advantage of social situations, date less, are less expressive verbally and non-verbally, and show less interest in other people than those who are more sociable. As a result, unsociable individuals may find difficulty asserting themselves in the workplace and in interpersonal interactions.

Unsociability tends to manifest itself during periods of change, which came in many forms as the child with ASD was growing up. Having problems in school, with bullies, with parents, with teachers and peers – it’s during these periods of transition that unsociability kicks-in as a coping mechanism for the young Aspie as he attempts to protect himself. There are almost as many different stories about why a young person with ASD became unsociable as there are people on the spectrum.

Although unsociability varies from person to person, there are commonalties that help define how unsociability works:

1. Unsociable individuals avoid situations that involve interaction with others, particularly strangers or authority figures (called "approach avoidance"). Unsociable individuals truly want to be social, but for some reason, they feel like they can’t. And that’s the typical pain of unsociability -- when they want something they can’t have.

2. Unsociable individuals tend to be slow to warm up in social situations. They may go to an event and stay 10 minutes, then leave. They haven’t given themselves enough time to warm up -- they need to stay longer. One mistake unsociable individuals make is, if a party starts at 8 p.m., they’ll go at 9 p.m. But showing up late actually works to their disadvantage. They should show up early, maybe at 7:30 p.m., get used to the surroundings, and greet people one-on-one as they arrive, so by 9 p.m., they are comfortable.
 

3. Unsociable individuals have what I call a “small comfort zone.” These individuals have friends and a social network – but it’s a small circle. They tend to do the same things with the same people again and again, because they feel at ease in a situation they know. As a result, they won’t try new situations, or they restrict their contacts. They might be at a social function and see someone new they’d like to talk to, but they won’t step-out of their comfort zone. They truly want to expand their comfort zone, but they feel they can’t, so they’re stuck.

Statistics also show that unsociable individuals tend to have more trouble than sociable ones when it comes to advancing in a career. Under-employment, being stuck in a job that requires less skill or training than you possess, uneasy work relationships, and slower advancement mark the careers of unsociable Aspies. Research shows that the more unsociable a person is, the less prestigious her last job title tends to be. Almost every lucrative career requires solid communication skills, an assertive personality, and an astute sense of office politics.

Research differentiates between unsociability and introversion, although they are related. Introverts prefer solitary to social activities, but do not fear social encounters like unsociable people do. If you see two people standing by a wall at a party, the introvert is there because he wants to be. The unsociable person is there because he feels like he has to be. In fact, some unsociable individuals often attempt to force themselves to be extroverted. The problem with this strategy is it’s incomplete. Once an unsociable person is at the party or event, he thinks that’s all he has to do. But that’s just the first step. Unsociable Aspies have trouble taking the next step -- approaching people and making conversation.

One way to deal with this is to master the art of “small talk.” Unsociable individuals say, once they’re in a conversation, they’re OK. The problem is initiating it. So, the person would do well to learn “small talk.”

The by-products of social anxiety can consist of depression, self-medication (often with alcohol), family distress, and an inability to compete in our stressful, competitive society characterized by poor performance and a lack of productivity. Although medications exist to help these individuals deal with anxiety and depression, there is no magic pill for social awkwardness.

It is important to recognize that unsociability is a consequence of inadequate social skills, which are not improved just by taking a pill. The problem is that medications don’t always work, because people use them incompletely. Sure, they may reduce your anxiety, but just because you’re calm doesn’t mean you’re ready to go to the next step. So, some people on the spectrum take a Valium, for example, and go to social functions in a relaxed state, but they still don’t know what to do.

Unsociability may also become a self-handicapping strategy -- a reason or excuse for anticipated social failure that, over time, becomes a crutch. For example, the individual may say to herself, “I just can’t do it.”
 

There is a misperception of unsociable people with ASD. People tend to think of unsociability as a negative trait, but that’s because they don’t understand it. I talk about becoming successfully unsociable. It involves realizing that there’s nothing wrong with you. Most people don’t care about you, they care about themselves. It’s very liberating when you realize this.

Being unsociable does not mean your professional and personal achievements are limited. Unsociable individuals can succeed on the job as well as initiate and maintain close relationships. The key to unsociability is truly in the heart. Instead of being self-conscious, be other-focused -- be concerned with other people. When you start to show that you’re approachable, it makes it easier for people to approach you. Get involved with the lives of other people, and in doing so, they will help themselves, too.

Unsociability is not a disease – and you were NOT born unsociable. You “learned” how to be unsociable as a way to deal with the stress that came with “mind-blindness.” Mind-blindness can be described as an inability to develop an awareness of what is in the mind of another human. It is not necessarily caused by an inability to imagine an answer, but is often due to not being able to gather enough information to work-out which of the many possible answers is correct. However, practicing “the art of showing (or faking, as the case may be) interest in others” can be a powerful force in moving the ASD individual to “sociability.”

Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:

==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD

==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples 

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism  

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 ==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives

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