Avoidant Personality: Why Your Spouse with ASD Can’t Handle Constructive Criticism

If your partner on the autism spectrum is offended whenever you wage a complaint or offer some advice, then he or she may have avoidant personality traits. Avoidant personality is characterized by a pattern of feelings of inadequacy and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation. 

 

The individual is fearful of disapproval and social rejection. In many cases, this is the result of peer-rejection that occurred during childhood. Avoidant personality becomes a major component of this person’s overall character - and a central theme in how he or she relates to others.

ASD individuals with avoidant personality tend exhibit the following traits:

• Avoids social situation and activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
• Drinks before social situations in order to soothe nerves
• Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
• Has very low self-esteem due to a long history of making “social mistakes” (usually unintentionally)
• Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing
• Tends to be easily offended by even "neutral" comments from others (especially his/her spouse)
  
• Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
• Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
• Stays quiet or hides in the background in order to escape notice and avoid chit chat
• Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
• Has intense worry before an upcoming social event (e.g., a large family gathering)
  

For people on the autism spectrum with avoidant personality, evaluating for the presence of psychiatric disorders (e.g., depression, drug/alcohol abuse, anxiety disorders) is extremely important. Also, because “anxiety tendencies” are often found in other family members, a family psychiatric history is beneficial. 

 

A cycle for the individual with avoidant tendencies looks like this:

==> low social/emotional intelligence due to ASD ==> results in poor social skills ==> results in social mistakes/failures ==> results in teasing, rejection, ridicule by others ==> results in avoiding social situations as much as possible

 

Quick tips for people with ASD & Avoidant Personality—

•    Work on your communication skills. Good relationships depend on clear, emotionally-intelligent communication. If you find that you have trouble connecting to others, learning the basic skills of emotional competency can help.
 

•    Take a social skills class or an assertiveness training class. These classes may be offered at your nearest community college.
 

•    Learn how to control the physical symptoms of social anxiety through relaxation techniques and breathing exercises.
 

•    Get adequate sleep. When you’re sleep deprived, you’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Being well rested will help you stay calm in social situations.
 

•    Face the social situations you fear in a gradual, systematic way, rather than avoiding them.
 

•    Challenge negative, unhelpful thoughts that trigger and fuel social anxiety, replacing them with more balanced views.

 

More resources:

==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder

 

==> Videos to help you understand your partner on the autism spectrum... 

==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples

==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism

Adults on the Autism Spectrum and Problems with Impulsivity

“My husband with ASD is very impulsive. It is one of the main areas we struggle with. Is this part of the disorder? He will jump into something rather than thinking things through, blurt out thoughts without tempering them, forget important events, get distracted when I’m trying to talk to him, and neglect to follow through with promises.”

ASD is often characterized by a lack of impulse control. People on the autism spectrum are sometimes  labeled unmanageable or aggressive because of their impulsivity (e.g., they may act on a whim, display behavior characterized by little - or no - forethought/reflection/consideration of the consequences).

Even though adults on the spectrum can be caring and sensitive, their good qualities are often overshadowed by their lack of impulse control (i.e., their ability to "self-regulate" is compromised).

The inability to self-regulate is often a contributing factor to relationship problems. For example:

• the ASD partner will often focus on things that interest him, but not on you (the NT wife)
  
• he may not follow through on what he agrees to do
• he may often act like a child instead of an adult
• you may nag him, and start to dislike the person you’ve become as a result
• the two of you either fight or clam up 
• you may be stressed about being stuck with the household tasks while he gets to have all the “down-time”
• the ASD partner may feel that his NT spouse has become a “nagging monster”
• he may view you (the NT) as a control freak, trying to manage all the details of his life
• he may think that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t meet your expectations
• he may think that the easiest way to deal with you is to leave you alone
  

==> Click here for more information on how the ASD brain is wired…