==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
Blog for Individuals and Neurodiverse Couples Affected by ASD
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The Dangers of Trying to “Fit-In” with a Neurotypical World
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
The Link Between Anxiety and Autism Spectrum Disorder
It is one of a family of stress hormones that acts like a ‘red alert’ that is triggered by stressful situations, allowing a person to react quickly to changes around him or her.
Craig sates, "I can really relate to this. By 4 pm, my anxiety is usually off the charts with no direct correlation to any particular event. That was when I would start thinking of going to Happy Hour or something to stop that internal suffocating feeling. Hard to describe."
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives15 Reasons to Stop Drinking: Tips for Adults with Asperger’s Who Self-Medicate
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
Lack of “Demonstrated Empathy” Among Adults with ASD
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT WivesHigh-Anxiety in Adults on the Spectrum - and How it Affects Relationships
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
6 Reasons Why People with ASD Can Appear Cold and Uncaring
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
Undiagnosed ASD Leads to Life as an Outsider
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
Seeking a Diagnosis of Asperger's: How to Prepare for an Assessment

Here is some information to help you get ready for a doctor’s visit:
1. Bring a few notes of any observations from other important people in your life that know you well (e.g., relatives, teachers, employer, etc.).
2. Bring your partner/spouse or a friend with you to the appointment to help you remember information – and for emotional support.
3. Make a list of any medications (including vitamins, herbs, and over-the-counter medicines) that you are taking – and their dosages.
4. Make a list of questions to ask the diagnostician in order to make the most of your time.
5. Don't hesitate to ask other questions that you may think of during your appointment.
6. Write a brief description of how you interact with your partner/spouse, your children, friends, coworkers, etc.
7. Have a list of questions to ask the diagnostician, for example:
- How can I learn more about Asperger’s?
- How much and what kinds of regular medical care might I need?
- If I do have Asperger’s, is there a way to tell how severe it is?
- Is there a way to confirm the diagnosis?
- What changes can I expect to see in myself over time?
- What kind of special therapies might I need?
- What kind of support is available for adults with the disorder?
- Why do you think I have the disorder?
Be prepared to answer some questions during the assessment. The diagnostician is likely to inquire about a number of things. Be ready to answer them to reserve time to go over any points you may want to focus on. He or she may ask:
- Does anything seem to improve your symptoms?
- Do you have a family history of Asperger’s, ADD, OCD, anxiety, depression, or other mood disorders?
- Does your have any other symptoms that might seem unrelated to Asperger’s (e.g., stomach problems)?
- Are your symptoms continuous or occasional?
- How do you interact with your partner/spouse, other family members, coworkers, etc.?
- Do you show a genuine interest in others, make eye contact, smile, or want to talk with others?
- What are some of your favorite activities?
- What specific problems prompted your visit today?
- What, if anything, appears to worsen symptoms?
- When did you first notice the signs of the disorder?
- Have others noticed signs?
Asperger’s is a disorder related to brain development that impacts how you perceive and socialize with others. People with the disorder often have problems in social interaction and communication. The disorder also includes limited and repetitive patterns of behavior. By seeking outside assistance with any problems related to the symptoms of the disorder, you should be able to function as well as anyone – with or without the disorder.
The Key Defining Feature of Aspergers [High-Functioning Autism]
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
Men with ASD Who Are Highly Sexual - But Lack "Emotional Intimacy"
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
What to Do When Your NT Partner Believes You’re a Grump: 4 Tips for Spouses with ASD
If you are a true “grump,” then you probably have a hard time seeing yourself for who you really are. You may find it a lot easier to blame your partner for his or her discontent than look in the mirror. And without a precise self-perception, you may never see the need to change, which will eventually doom you to a lot less peace and joy than you could have in the relationship.
Obviously, I don’t know your exact situation, but I do know this: If you have Asperger’s, you’re probably grumpy and sarcastic at least once in a while. And if you want The Mirroring Rule to work for you rather than against you, you can’t afford to be a grump.
Here are a few ideas on how to “fix” this problem...
1. Ask yourself these questions:
- If your partner acted just like you, would there be more kindness, empathy, peace and harmony in the relationship? Would there be a more positive spirit in the home? Would he or she be better off? If so, awesome! If not, you have some negative traits you need to address.
- If your partner treated you the same way you treated him or her (at your worst and at your best), would you have a stronger relationship? If your answer is no, it’s time for a change.
- Do you honestly believe there’s no room for improvement in your behavior - and that you’re perfect just the way you are? If so, you lack insight into your own attitude, which is going to be a huge problem (and probably already is).
2. Don't lie to yourself:
If you’re a grump, say so. You’ll can’t change what you refuse to recognize. Accept the fact that your grumpiness not only damages your relationship, it also gets in the way of almost everything you really desire in life. Obviously, it’s not always easy to see yourself as clearly as you should, but you can do some self-reflection, and you can ask your partner to point out those episodes where you get the label “grumpy.”
Recruit your man or woman as “a partner in problem-solving.” Tell him or her that you’re working on being more cheerful. Tell your partner you’d appreciate his or her feedback. Ask him/her what you should start doing, stop doing, and continue doing to be more successful. Do this every few weeks, and you’ll be surprised at how fast you move ahead.
3. Discover what your triggers are that move you toward negativity, for example:
- Screaming children
- Your partner talking while you’re trying to work or watch a movie
- Not getting credit for the things you do that benefit the relationship
- Being blamed for something you didn't do
- Your partner’s “bad driving” habits
Then, when these triggers occur, it’s time for you to step back, collect yourself, take a deep breath, and bite your tongue.
4. Avoid negative people as much as possible:
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT Wives
==> ASD Men's MasterClass: Social-Skills Training and Emotional-Literacy Development
How to Curb Insomnia: 20 Tips for Adults on the Autism Spectrum

Symptoms of insomnia include: (a) daytime drowsiness, fatigue, or irritability; (b) difficulty concentrating during the day; (c) difficulty falling asleep despite being tired; (d) relying on sleeping pills or alcohol to fall asleep; (e) trouble getting back to sleep when awakened; (f) non-refreshing sleep; and (g) waking up frequently during the night or waking up too early in the morning.
Here is a sort of checklist to help you determine the cause of insomnia:
- Is your sleep environment quiet and relaxing?
- Have you recently gone through a disturbing experience?
- Do you try to go to bed and get up around the same time every day?
- Do you struggle with ongoing feelings of stress or worry?
- Do you have any health problems that may be affecting your sleep?
- Are you anxious most of the time?
- Are you taking any medications that may be disturbing your sleep?
- Are you sad or depressed?
- Do you feel hopeless or helpless on occasion?
Here are 20 quick ideas to curb insomnia:
1. As odd as it sounds, rub your ears and roll your eyes before trying to fall asleep. This will promote calmness and relaxation.
2. Avoid stimulating activities before bedtime (e.g., video games, the news, violent movies, etc.).
3. Close your eyes and take deep, slow breaths, making each breath even deeper than the last.
4. Consider using Melatonin and/or Valerian. These supplements help regulate your sleep-wake cycle.
5. Do a quiet, relaxing activity (e.g., reading a book).
6. Don’t take naps.
7. If you can’t sleep, get out of bed and do something constructive rather than staying in bed and fighting to get back to sleep.
8. Lie quietly and focus on your natural breathing and how your body feels in the moment.
9. Make relaxation your goal – not sleep.
10. Make sure your bedroom is dark, quiet and cool.
11. Move your bedroom clock out of view.
12. Postpone brainstorming and worrying. If you must worry, do it tomorrow after a full night’s rest.
13. Starting with your feet, tense the muscles as tightly as you can. Hold for a count of 10, then relax. Continue this for every muscle in your body, working your way up from your feet to your head.
14. Stay out of your head (i.e., don’t ruminate about what happened earlier in the day or what’s going to happen tomorrow).
15. Stick to a consistent sleep schedule.
16. Turn off the TV and cell phone at least an hour before bed.
17. Use the bedroom only for sleeping – not as an entertainment room with a computer, TV, etc.).
18. At least two hours before going to bed, be sure to avoid alcohol, a big evening meal, caffeine, and drinking too many liquids.
19. For those of you who believe in God and who acknowledge your spiritual-being, prayer before bedtime can have a calming effect as well.
20. Lastly, spend just a couple minutes each night reflecting on your blessings.
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
What To Do When You Suspect That Your Partner or Spouse Has ASD
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
How to Handle Put-Downs: The DO’s and DON’Ts

DO REFLECT TO SEE IF THERE IS SOME TRUTH TO THE INSULT: Sometimes you may feel insulted by someone’s remark because there is some truth to it. When we feel a slight sting because of a person’s criticism, rather than taking it personally, we can choose to use the statement as constructive criticism. If the issue is something that we truly want to get better at, then we can pull the person aside and ask for ideas on how to improve.
DO TALK TO THE PERSON ONE-ON-ONE, IF NEEDED: If our feelings are truly hurt and we want to address the put-down, we can ask the individual (immediately or sometime later) if we could speak with him or her in private. Pulling the person aside shows some consideration (as opposed to calling him or her out in public). We can calmly tell the individual that we found his or her remarks to be insulting and that we would like them show some respect – and that we will return that respect.
____________________
DON’T SHOW ANGER: Getting angry shows that you take the insult, and therefore the insulter, seriously. It also suggests that there may be some truth to the put-down.
DON’T RETURN THE PUT-DOWN: Returning the insult, no matter how clever or well-timed, tends to equalize you with your insulter, raising him or her up to your level and bringing you down to his/hers. This gives the insulter too much believability.
DON’T BE CRITICAL OF YOURSELF AFTER BEING HURT BY A PUT-DOWN: Examples include “I shouldn’t let her get under my skin” or “Why can’t I stand up for myself better” or “Why am I being such a pussy about this?”
Don’t give that person any of your energy. When you mostly ignore his or her comment – or better yet, laugh at it – you send the message that you don’t take that person seriously, and you’re not remotely affected by his or her opinion of you.
The Gender Bias in the Diagnosis of Females with HFA and AS
The timely identification of the disorder can lessen some of these risks and improve quality of life (e.g., by reducing self-criticism, making others less judgmental of the person with the disorder, increasing access to services, helping to foster a positive sense of identity, and by identifying needs and appropriate interventions).
Compared to men, women are at considerably elevated risk of their HFA or AS going un-diagnosed, and in some cases, their problems are mislabeled or missed entirely. Many women who, if expertly assessed, would meet the full diagnostic criteria for the disorder, never receive a diagnosis and the help that can comes with it.
Even when women with HFA or AS are identified, they receive their diagnosis - and the associated support - later than men with the disorder. Also, compared to men, women require more severe symptoms and greater cognitive and behavioral difficulties to meet the criteria for the disorder. This gender bias has critical consequences for the health and well-being of these females – both young and old.
One explanation of the bias against women on the autism spectrum is that there is a female “phenotype” (i.e., a set of observable traits of an individual, or a female-specific presentation of strengths and deficits associated with the disorder) that fits poorly with the current, male-based ideas of HFA and AS.
There is emerging evidence to support the existence of this female phenotype. For example:
- compared to males, females on the autism spectrum are more vulnerable to problems such as anxiety, depression, and eating disorders
- compared to males, females are less likely to have hyperactivity, impulsiveness, and behavioral problems
- females on the spectrum consistently score lower on measures of repetitive and stereotyped behavior
- there is evidence that females with HFA and AS show higher social motivation and a greater ability to maintain friendships than do males with the disorder
- unlike most males with the disorder, females have a capacity to “camouflage” social difficulties in social situations
Further research is greatly needed so that we can fully understand: (a) the nature of the female phenotype; (b) how it impacts upon the risk of females with HFA or AS going unrecognized; (c) how the female phenotype influences their experiences of diagnosis, misdiagnosis, and missed diagnosis; and (d) how late-diagnosed females adapt in response to the challenges they must contend with.
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
The Misdiagnosis and Non-Diagnosis of Females with Asperger’s
Here are direct quotes from a few women on the autism spectrum:
• I went to my doctor for depression and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, which is completely opposite to what I am.
• The reward for trying hard to be ‘normal’ was to be ignored. I read stories of children who are going off the rails, and I think: ‘I should have been more of a trouble-maker’.
• Had I known about Asperger’s, I think I would have known that I’m more gullible - and I might not have ended up in the circumstances that I did.
==> Living with an Aspergers Partner: Help for Struggling Couples
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
Mind-Blindness and Resultant Self-Fulfilling Prophecies in ASD
Resources for Neurodiverse Couples:
==> Online Group Therapy for Men with ASD
==> Online Group Therapy for NT Wives
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> Cassandra Syndrome Recovery for NT WivesThe Passive Aspie
- Avoid Committing If They Possibly Can
- Big Believers in Bad Luck
- Do Anything for A Quiet Life
- Leave Things Up to Fate
- Stay in Their Comfort Zone at All Cost
- Struggle to Make Big Life Decisions
==> Online Group Therapy for Couples and Individuals Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder
==> One-on-One Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples [eBook and Audio]
Autistic Men and Intimacy Issues

In some cases, that “right person” may be another individual with the same disorder who understands and has the ability to cope with the idiosyncrasies of another person on the autism spectrum.
One of my Asperger's clients recently stated that he feels that the relationship with his wife is challenging, in part due to his overwhelming need to focus on his obsession of choice. He feels that he lacks a strong interpersonal connection and has to make a conscious choice to put his focus on his wife, to the exclusion of his desired focus of choice. He is accustomed to being solitary, and he finds it difficult to concentrate with others around him, including his wife.
Unfortunately, the divorce rate among couples affected by ASD (i.e., one partner is on the spectrum, and the other is not) is higher than in other groups of people. However, interventions (e.g., marital counseling) can work well if the therapist understands the unique features of Asperger's as it affects relationships.
==> Living With Aspergers: Help for Couples
==> Skype Counseling for Struggling Couples Affected by Asperger's and HFA
COMMENTS:
• Anonymous said... as in most relationships, you have to express your needs. but you also have to explain how those needs can be satisfied. you will need lots of initiative, and teach him how to take initiative.
• Anonymous said... For 15 years I have an intimate relationship with a wonderful man, he got only a few years ago his diagnosis Asperger. We don't live together in the same flat or village, only every second night he stays in my place with me. He did not agree to marry or even have children with me. This was very hard for me, by now I can cope with this. I can understand now he needs to withdraw into his own walls, where he can "recover from my emotions" and the intimacy/closeness. This enables him, to cope with the relationship. Meanwhile I know of many As/Nt couples and with most of them I observe difficulties. The stress of unplanned or chaotic (from the view of the AS) situations especially with kids, which can't be avoided, enhances the troubles. So I realised after some difficult years, our way of living allows him, to be a loving and caring partner I keep forgetting he's on the spectrum. Also of other AS/NT couples I know, only in finding an unusual way of living together, they manage to be a couple.
• Anonymous said... I have autism and am married and trying for a baby. Why would it be any different for a male?
• Anonymous said... In reality I cannot answer this question with any great certainty, as it is dangerous to generalize with anything to do with autism. However like NTs some HFA/Aspergers are quite capable of maintaining close relationships with other people on the spectrum or even with NTs. Just like NTs some are better suited to this than others. People on the spectrum can vary enormously and some may have a higher emotional intelligence than others and allow for socializing and forming closer bonds. Others may just prefer to be alone and there is nothing wrong with that. I myself have two boys on the spectrum and of course am a fully fledged aspie, lol I have been married for 30 years to an NT. Like any other marriage we have had times when we have had to work hard, but generally we understand each other and support each other. I do know other autistic people who have children and have good, warm and loving relationships. Remember that autism does not define us, condemn or damage us and we are not diseased. So there is hope for many and especially for those who have a diagnosis and develop a sense of self awareness and acceptance. My advice to anyone in these mixed relationships of autistic/NT to be patient, accepting of each other and make adjustments if possible. Maybe it will be hard sometimes, but like with our kids, always rewarding in the long run. Good luck! Brian
• Anonymous said... My husband has Aspergers and we have a great and intimate relationship. There are some differences: I typically drive, I typically talk to waiters, he often doesn't look me in the eyes, and sometimes I have to pose an important question to him and then walk away so he has time to think about it. He can't always just respond on the spot for important and/embarrassing topics. We'll have been married for five years this May!
• Anonymous said… Of course they can develop an intimate relationship. Just know that there is no "normal" - for anyone! But it won't be bizarre or outrageous. My husband gets it (me being an aspie) and I'm mature enough to step out of my comfort zone to meet his needs when he gives me gentle reminders.
• Anonymous said… I really like these articles. I'm fairly certain both me and my husband exhibit aspie like characteristics. We have worked hard to get to the level of intimacy that we have. I do have feeling of dread and worry about my Aspie son sometimes. He is so smart and funny. I hope he finds lasting relationship that builds him up and helps him succeed.
• Anonymous said… There is nothing "normal". Everyone has some type of issues or needs. It is all about learning different tools and having patience. I really struggle with my husband sometimes and I constantly have to remind myself that his process isn't going to be the same as mine.
• Anonymous said… I have AS and I was married for 13 years before getting the diagnosis. We have a happy marriage although it has become easier now that there are explanations for my sometimes eccentric behavior or unusual mood swings. However my non-AS hubby has many issues of his own. I know there are loads of undiagnosed AS people out there who are in relationships and I think they have the same chance of success as NT relationships provided you are with the right person.
• Anonymous said… An article I wrote a while ago on the topic of Aspergers and marriage received a number of heated comments from people on the spectrum who felt that I focused too much on some of the challenges Aspergers presents in the relationship. It's important for anyone who is 'neurotypical' to be sensitive to how difficult it is for the person with AS to accept neurotypical thinking. Both partners have to study each other and be sensitive to each others' differences.
* Anonymous said... I am married to a man with Asperger's. We've been together a decade. We have an intimate relationship but he needs quite a bit more alone time than me and prefers not to attend social events. I have to be very independent.
Please post your comment below…
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